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Having Issues.... No shit!

Pegasus69

Pegasus69

JUB Addict
In Loving Memory
Joined
Apr 23, 2005
Posts
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Location
Hyannis
The past couple of days I have been trying to find the words to get this out of my system and have been unable to do it. It is really very frustrating as well as irritating.

I am so anxious right now about my appointments in Boston. I wish that Monday was here already so that I knew what was ahead for me. But then there is another part of me that is not quite so eager to know.

I know that I have a little depression going, but I think that it has been brought on by the stress (and the psychologist agrees) and we are both hesitant about any medications right now in light of the medical concerns and possible treatments.

I am pretty much over the mechanical issues with my car. It is what it is and if it dies then there is not all that much I can do about it. I can always walk to work, which is right next to the Market that I use to shop for food. And there is the bus that will take me to the end of my road (after one connection) for the trip back. I can also take the bus from my house to the Dr's office here locally and I already use the bus and the "T" to get to Boston and my appointments up there.

I have put off finishing my will, but I do have the health care proxy done and in place. But I still haven't put away my laundry from last weekend (not like me at all). I know I need to clean the house, but just have no desire to do so, even though I usually like to clean (crank the music and shake my ass while I scrub the tub, that sort of stuff).

I have felt rather lonely as of late and that is not like me at all. I can normally go out and do things alone and really have a good time. Right now I can't even go to the video store and make up my mind on what to rent.

I have also been very quite at work, which is not like me at all. I normally am the goofball at work and have a sharp wit and very quick with retorts to the comments of others.

I am also now suspect of the headaches I have been getting, even though I am pretty sure that they are due to my sleeplessness as well as the stress. I have also noticed that my hand have not been very steady, again, is this a symptom of the lesions or just the stress and sleeplessness?

I just feel like and emotional wreck right now. It is only 6:30pm and I am ready to sleep. But I also know that I need to get some food in me since I forgot to eat lunch today.

I think that I need to start using the medications on a regular basis rather than the as needed that I talked to my doctor about.

To sum it all up........ ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,) ](*,)

Oh, I have also decided to do something that I have not done since the diagnosis, I am going to ask for a prognosis, essentially, how much time do I have left based on others who have been in my situation.
 
I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that a great many folks, people you haven't met in person, are on your side and have you in their thoughts and in their prayers. I'm sure that stress and sleeplessnes are mostly responsible for your headaches.

The cleaning and the laundry will be there when you get back from Boston Right now it is more important for you to try to let such everyday cares and activities
sit on the sidelines.

HUG
 
I hope things get better for you, but remember a prognosis is a guess, albeit an educated guess, not a guarantee of things to come.
 
Heartfelt empathy for you right now. It is the stress, sleeplessness, worry, dealing with the unknown and the dawning of the possibility of end of life issues. Gosh, I feel for you.

Any close by family and friends to spend time with and being able to help doing things? Sometimes moving towards the doing of things needed helps put issues into perspective. According to Kubler-Ross, the stage of depression comes about from not dealing with the denial, anger issue in the grief process.

Also do you have someone close you can discuss the end of life issues that are a possibility? You need to be able to have open and frank talk dealing with what is going on with you. Discussion of them is not giving up, but allows for dealing with the needs and fears, which can help. If not and you have the need, you can PM me.

Overall, be gentle with yourself for now, but don't fall into victimhood. You are far stronger and have more character than that from what I have seen.

Praying for you.
 
Ramadan starts tomorow

as I fast and contemplate all the things I have in this world and my place in it, I will have you in my mind

you are a special man, and you have so much courage

I am in awe of you

hugs
 
I have the greatest admiration for you and the courage you show. You're an inspiration to us all. God speed my friend.

(*8*)
 
Pegasus, I read many of your posts and your contribution to JUB is extremly valued.

Wishing you all the best for Monday and I am sure that the courage you've shown to date will help you through. And as 1st love ron said, a prognosis is just that. Nothing more and can turn out to be nothing like the reality.

Take care and keep us posted.
 
Pegasus--
You are in my thought and prayers. You are a very brave man and an inspiration to us all. I know that you have so much on your mind and that sleeplessness and worry can definitely take their toll. I hope all goes well on Monday, and judging from what I've learned of you from your posts, I would say that you have still got a lot of life left in you yet. Take care and know that you are loved. (*8*)
 
It sounds pretty rough. And frankly, it does sound lonely for you. I wish that we were all close enough to be more of a help.

But here's a virtual hug. (*8*) Hope it helps a little. :)
 
It would be unusual for anyone who had to deal with everything you've had to not have these feelings.Moods kick in,stress and worry and subconscious fears and doubts and frustrations all probably are instrumental in this recent personal withdrawal,reserve,listlessness.You can only do so much,just don't get tough on yourself.You've got so many of us hear to give you our support and a friendly ear to just listen,be there for you.My thoughts and prayers and positive energy go your way,Pegasus.(*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*) (*8*)
 
Sweety, I am NOT doing too good right now with medical issues and I hope I do NOT bring you any further down, for it's NOT my intentions.......

.........But, right now I am grieving for my neighbor and friend who passed away a couple of days ago from lung cancer.

He went through all the fuckin Chemo from hell that absolutley fucked up his body and health, and then after nearly killin him, he went into radiation treatment from hell to futher pull him down and cause his body to die!

Well, Dale is free from all this bullshit, for all the "cures" of the medical world finally killed him! Here he "WAS" a robust man...6 feet 1 inch and over 200 pounds; but when he died he was less than 130 pounds of bone! He looked like he was a Holocaust victim!

Bitter? You damn right I am! I am bitter that the Doctors encouraged him and his wife to take Chemo and radiation to extend his life for 1 1/2 to 2 years and for what............just skin and bones left to bury!

.........Sure, the doctors ALL got a lot richer off my friend, as they treated him they received tons of money for all the expensive medicine and treatments they put him through....

My friend, if your diagnosis is NOT good, consier NOT allowing the doctors or who ever to convince you to pro-long your illness via the Chemo/radiation treatments!

Why allow those chemicals inside your body to totally destroy any quality of life you have left?

NOT me! If I have a disease where there is NO cure, I will NOT allow chemo or any other medicines to be injected into my body!!

If I'm gonna die, I will do it with dignity and NOT look like a skeleton when it's all finished, where I feel and look like hell and can no longer do any of the things that makes life livable!(*8*) (*8*) :kiss: :kiss:
 
Okay, a new morning has dawned and I am still in a bit of a funk. I have decided that I am going to change my surroundings. I listed in another thread about weekend plans that I was going to clean today, well that will include rearranging my room. Change is good, change is our friend. (watch me get up in the middle of the night after this and piss out the window or hallway)
 
vanman34 said:
You have the right to have all those issues...and then some.....

I think you are a brave man....I think that I'm brave...but I'm not so sure I would have your courage if given the same choices.Stay strong...and I'll keep you in my thoughts/prayers/ and positive vibes....(*8*)
Click to expand...


I couldn't have said it better if I tried! You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Take care my friend!!!
 
Well the rearranging of my room has been a good idea, iin theory anyways. I still have much to do to finish it. I forgot what it is like to try and move around furniture in a small space. You wind up having to move the same shit 5 or 6 times just to be able to get one piece in the place that you want to put it. Then comes the next piece and the same stuff. Oye, I am pooped.

I spoke with my family today as well. I feel so bad for them because of what they are going through with the news of my recent developments. They so want to be with me all the time, but they have thier own lives that they cannot put on hold, and I understand and appreciate that. I also don't think that I could deal with them hovering over me 24/7. If I want to scratch my balls and sit around in my underwear then that is what I want to do. I know the middle sister (Queen of Denial) has basically received a slap in the face with this news. She does not do well when she is feeling helpless. She wants to know why I am going to Boston alone on Monday for the tests. I told her that they are just tests, the same tests that I have had done so many times now that they are a matter of routine and will become a major part of my life for the future. I am used to them, I accept them, and one of these days, on one of my trips to Boston I am going to go up a day early and spend a night up there and have a time on the town. Granted that I need to stash some money since the room rentals are about half a weeks pay for me (and that is a cheapo room - cockroaches are included). I am getting to the point that I am accepting this latest challenge and am ready to forge ahead. I have many questions and just realized that the issue of my transmission on my car may be a moot point. There is the very real possibility that as long as I am in treatment (since this is the cerebellum - motor controls as well as routine functions). I know that my mom was banned from driving during her treatments. So that just brings the issue of getting to work. Our pseudo-public transit system does not run prior to 8am and my show time is 6:30am. I could change my hours but then I have the issue of the bus not being in service at the end of the shift at 5pm. I am feeling much better now that I am looking for solutions rather than just looking at the problems. Plus, by the time I finish my room will be much more user friendly.

Love all you guys, Steve
 
](*,) ](*,)


Simple thought - if there are some meds. to be taken, going on and off of them imay not always be a wise idea. And if that is occurring you should let the dr/s know about it. It could effect your treatment(s) for what ever the meds are for.(*8*) (*8*)

just the local village idiot rambling on and on - I am not supposed to stop and go with my meds for either of my illnesses - that has become a no, no. I better not say any more.](*,) ](*,)

eM.:(
 
Simple thought - if there are some meds. to be taken, going on and off of them imay not always be a wise idea. And if that is occurring you should let the dr/s know about it. It could effect your treatment(s) for what ever the meds are for.
Click to expand...

I am using all meds exactly a sprescribed. Everything so far is on an as needed basis. These are all for anxiety attacks and sleeplessness, which do not happen all the time, therefore the as needed basis.
 
I am in awe of your openness and your strength! Thanks for sharing your feelings!! (*8*)
 
I always check in here on ya, Peg. You've made quite a journey so far -- I'm sure you'll coast grandly along through the rest of it. Best wishes!
 
Pegasus - with all the things going on in and around you, it's a wonder you haven't exploded already. You're entitled to get headaches. You're entitled to get into a funk or two. You're entitled to worry and second-guess. I think you're just being YOU. You're so concerned about yourself, everyone in your life, and everything that's happening and there is so much 'unknown' in your future that you just can't control it all. You are a SUPER guy, but you're not Superman. Try to focus on just a few things that you can complete in a (relatively) short amount of time. (The 'room re-do' was a good idea, but may have been a tad too large a task.) Try to push some of the other things off until tomorrow, or the next day. Try to let go just a little bit.

Don't forget my wishes to you ! And as always, LOVE! (group)
 
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