Having sex with a close friend - The aftermath

[KaraBulut]

...I fully accept the responsibility of being involved with a friend. It is just one more of many lessons I've had to learn the hard way.

The subject of sex with friends or sex with people who are in relationships comes up quite often in the forums. The risk is always the loss of the friendship because of the emotional entanglements that are difficult to avoid. It's a lesson that a lot of gay men have to learn the hard way (like you did).

My question is: Am I totally out of line if I stop hanging out with this group of friends and him in particular? Should I just be honest with him? (Honesty works best for the soul, at least I know I'm not playing any games with people, or holding onto hope - it's all out on the table) Or should I push my feelings deep deep down and pretend everything is okay (Throwing this one out there just for the sake of it)?

If this situation is causing you pain, then you would be best served by avoiding it until you have more perspective on the situation.

 

[sixthson]

In this case, I think you need to tell him how you feel, in private, not on FB. You have nothing to lose because you feel you have lost him already. It sounds like he is clueless about what you are going through and if he is really your friend, he would want to know and understand. Also, a friendship of two years deserves to know why you are abandoning him. Burying it is not the answer and neither is avoiding having the discussion. You will likely only become more miserable.

Could you tell us why you broke it off with him? Surely you must have recognized you had feelings while you were together, right? In all the cuddling and talking you did, was nothing said of importance, like love?

 

[sixthson]

Because he had someone else, because it was obvious he wouldn't leave them, because he said even after three months of sex that it was only physical for him. (Except that one night when he couldn't pretend to be so tough and emotionless anymore.)

I told him on a few separate occasions that I had developed feelings for him, but instead of getting away from me, he wanted to continue it. Finally I said no, I can't do this, I'm torturing myself.

And now, today, I asked to cut off ties because it is very difficult for me to be around him. I need time away.

It sounds like you have had all the necessary discussions and do need a break from him. Good luck with the healing.
Does the other person in his life know about you?

 

[sixthson]

No. Nobody knows. Not even our other friend, who is going to be confused as to why we don't speak anymore.

It's all very secretive, that's why it's a bit tough.

Sounds like a total mess on both of your parts. His new relationship is probably doomed since it is built on lies and unfaithfulness.
How will you handle your friends? Most importantly, what have you learned?

 

[sixthson]

I'm sorry you have to go through such a painful thing. For a good friend of two years his response to you seems awfully cold.
Just remember what I said about his current relationship being doomed. Either the bf will find out or he will cheat again.
I would say this, however: sometimes when people decide they have to end a relationship, they attempt to find healing in hating the other person. This is not good or healthy. Just see it honestly for what it was and it sounds like you are doing that. Don't obsess over him either by allowing him to take up all the space in your brain. Go out and be with other friends...especially important this time of year. Keep your propeller in your pants for awhile.

I do wish you well, buddy.

 

[crubbed]

My two cents:

- confess your feelings and get it off your chest. Don't use the Love word, though.
- if he's playing a game with two guys, he's not worthy of any of your time.
- he's not a robot, he has definitely felt something with you. He's still not worth it.
- run away from toxic environments and toxic situations, like a tryst with a guy in a relationship.

I wish you all the best, I've been going through something similar these days myself.

 

[Junior42]

I am so familiar with what you are going through. Its been years since I lost one of my friends and it still upsets me. I feel bad for you man.

 

[Ninja108]

From the sounds of it, you are taking the right steps for yourself, I would urge to keep on that path.

 

[sixthson]

He chose to completely ignore my request and went on to start several conversations for two days straight now, so I did the only thing I could have - take some distance away from this group of friends.

And you know what I found out? The other person in the group doesn't care much either. So I guess no loss there, right? I am looking positively at continuing my life without such two "friendships."

It's only when relationships are tested that we know how genuine they really are. Unfortunately, it still hurts. Be strong.

 

[Vocodr]

Frankly, the guy sounds like a narcissist and/or psychopath to me. Everything seems to be about serving his needs without consideration to others - hence cheating on his partner with you, continuing things with you when you said you were developing feelings for him, responding with such coldness when you wanted to break the friendship off, subsequently ignoring your wishes and contacting you as though nothing had happened. Everything is about him and what HE wants.

Sadly, I feel that you are perhaps cut from the same cloth and certainly that you're currently reaping what you've sowed. You have largely created this painful situation for yourself and obviously had little concern for the other party, who was being cheated on behind his back. Clearly, you would have 'stolen' this guy away from him if you could have. My advice is next time, don't screw around with someone in a relationship. If you want to fuck around, find someone who is single and available - if you want a relationship, find someone who is single and available, and who possesses characteristics like empathy and kindness, not narcissism...

 

[bankside]

And what I've learned?
[STRIKE]- Not to get involved with someone that might be involved with someone else
- Not to get involved in a "fuck buddy" thing with a friend, ever, because a 'fuck buddy' can't be someone you're already emotionally invested in
- Groups are separated when members get involved[/STRIKE]

Don't count on separating emotions from sex, it's not worth trying. Emotions happen naturally, they're not a disease.

He will. He did so in all of his prior relationships.

Then you lucked out.

He will. He did so in all of his prior relationships.

And you?

 

[TX-Beau]

Cheating covers both of you, you are just as guilty if you know HE has a relationship and YOU don't walk. There is no ethical out because you're not the one with the boyfriend. So yes, you HAVE cheated.

Now according to conventional wisdom - once a cheater...

That's pretty much bullshit. People cheat for different reasons and yes emotions are always involved with sex, but some of them are just, joy, fun, excitement etc. and will never turn into love or commitment.

Some guys always get emotionally involved or can't perform without emotional involvement, but I will assert that these are the guys in the minority (all my life experience confirms this) which are you? Either is fine, and they are not of necessity opposites or mutually exclusive, you may be fine being a fuckbuddy with guy A and fall in love with guy B. There may be periods in your life when you are more one or the other, that can and does change.

The only specific advice I have to add is to stay away from men breaking their promises to other people, what ever the reason you won't prosper by participation, and you will probably get the same consideration in the end.

 

[jake1973]

Yea, I hear you man. Years ago I had a friend-of-friend "bromance" me hard and we started hanging out solo, doing a lot of heavy duty sharing of private stuff, etc. I thought he was looking for a new BFF and did not see anything behind it, even when he didn't want our other friends knowing how much we were hanging out solo, til he came on to me during a campout. We are both with other people but we were both drunk (the first time) and I went along with it. Not proud of it but we messed around on and off (no fucking, just him blowing me and mutual handies) for a while before I "Woke up" to what I was doing and put a stop to the physical stuff. Short time later the friendship cooled (more like froze) and it is awkward as shit because -- like you -- we still have to see each other in a group and act like nothing ever happened. I am sure he found another dick to suck and it pisses me off because a.) I was stupid and cheated when it wasn't even something I wanted and b.) he is playing the "straight married guy" but I know better and feel like shit for my part in that deception c.) I actually miss the friendship I thought it was and messing around wasn't worth it.

I don't think it would be bad to take time off from seeing those friends in a group setting... I would not advise making a grand pronouncement about it... just be "busy" when the gang hangs out and find time to spend time with smaller groups or at least the people in it who matter to you. If anybody probes deeper, you'd have to decide how much to share with them based on your individual level of trust.

 

[LutheranGuy]

ending with a realization that I had growing feelings for the other person. His random messages on Facebook leave an lasting effect on me

The most amazing romances of our lives either begin with friendships, or with just sex. The combination of the two can be a real lightning bolt, when we see that everything we desire is right in front of us. That life isn't about dreaming or chasing, but finally just living. That it's not where we go or what we do, but who we are with. Sometimes we just end up with someone, forget the how or why. Sometimes the people around us wear a mask, and can wear it for a long time. We get glimpses of who they really are, and by then, we may have been completely fooled that is after being completely enamored and reeled in. It's why extra love affairs are such a taboo word. What makes a person look for someone else to begin with? The very definition of friendship is secrets revealed over time. When people feel they know a person, they lose interest. The mystery, the sense of possibility, the fluidity, the art of inside jokes and memes and a language, not with just words, but suddenly in the way he holds you, or the way you feel receiving a text. -That's how you know that the mouse trap has engulfed you. Some guys use that position as one of power (especially when in the same group of friends.) And you bet you are not the only one to arrive there.

For some guys it's a sport. It is all theater. We are all always performing. Jackie Kennedy knew the second she left the room that her husband was engulfed with other women. She knew his masks. The worst is not to know when he leaves the room one way or the other. Certain things will still remind you of him. You will see photos of him. You will see him on the street or in the bar. He will not blink or hesitate to approach you. He's performing. Like JFK, he's playing mouse. But like Jackie, you have seen him with his mask off, and your hands off reaction has him alarmed and insecure.

Monroe's famously sexy rendition of "Happy Birthday" to the President at a May 1962 fundraising event in Madison Square Garden, which triggered gossip about the two having an affair, prompted Kennedy to back away from Monroe, according to Biographer Barbara Leaming. The movie star wouldn't take no for an answer, though, and reportedly called the White House numerous times in an effort to rekindle their affair, until the President finally sent a friend to dissuade her.

 

[Vocodr]

There was no grand pronouncement, but I was honest about not wanting to hang out anymore. Quitting cold turkey is, honestly, the best way to go (for me). It's been a week now and I haven't had a moment of sadness about it- more relief. It was an 'out' out of a friendship that could be best described as superficial. Two years ago we were tighter, but we lost it somewhere along the way.

My ex lover, however, gave it another shot at having sex with me (via facebook), suggesting that sex could calm me down and erase the 'feelings' I have. I said I didn't want to be involved with someone in a relationship ever again, and pretty much said goodbye. It doesn't hurt, which is weird. It feels like I'm free.

Now onto better things.

Good for you! Sounds like you did the best thing. The fact that he STILL gave it another shot and tried to get you back into bed with 'sex could calm you down and erase the 'feelings' you have' speaks volumes about the kind of person he is, and shows that your welfare is just not a priority for him. He does not care that he's hurting you - if anything, it sounds like he's getting off on the 'ego trip' of messing with your emotions. You deserve better than this. I hope it all works out for you - you sound like a good guy.

 

[eastofeden]

Congrats on cutting ties and moving on...but after reading this there is one very useful thing I want to add....

If you find yourself thinking like you were a victim...fix it right away....as you would a tire with an embedded nail slowly releasing air...because if you don't attend to it you will wind up with a flat tire...unable to function properly.....

I think the single biggest mistake almost everyone makes in any type of relationship is failing to own their own role in it. I really don't understand why it is so hard to be humble (not with you specifically...with people in general)...it is actually very freeing to shed any kind of victim mentality...

In your case...you knew who he was and you knew he had a relationship and didn't care....easy peasy one to own...and then instead of ever letting any kind of victim or self pity thinking roll in now or in the future you can instead laugh at yourself...it is the nicest thing you can do for yourself at this point.

...it the #1 reason to own your role in it is that it will free you up to enter into a relationship down the road with wisdom instead of baggage.....

 

[justis1828]

I have been were you are and I still am in part. I had a relationship with a friend that ended badly. We were friends a lot longer than 2 yrs more like 20. At the time it seemed like the next step for us because we had been through so much together as friends. But where I was at the time wasn't the exact place where he was, and what i wanted wasn't the same as what he wanted. So 5 yrs went by without any communication in any form. We also have the same group of friends on Facebook. So it was difficult to talk to friends that we both know and they not know what was going on. I couldn't see his post and he couldn't see mine. But we are back friends now and working through it all. The best advice I can give you is be honest with him and be honest with yourself. I have learned that people come and go and you will know which ones are the keepers and which are not. Just take it slow and one day at a time.

 

[thenewkcm]

I just got out of this situation with a friend of 8 years. It's best to move on, we need to have better standards and not allow those that are unavailable to have so much power in our lives.