Having Trouble Moving on After Breakup

[erobert]

Some people will know my first and former real BF of 2 year split up about 6 months ago since he didn't want a serious relationship, but "he still wanted to be friends" So I agree even though needless to say even that's been hard on me since there wasn't really any closure and I get the sense he's not sure what he really wants.

We've been hanging out on weekends (neither of us really knows anyone else or have an established group of friends) and he invited me out to lunch yesterday. 1/2 way through mentioned something that made me think he wanted to bring up getting back together; just a passing comment about a friend of his wanting to get back together with his ex which I asked what he thinks they should do. He had a mixed answer. I took that as an in road I gave him a sincere apology for anything I've done in the passed to hurt him and such since I think there was more to the story than not wanting a "serious relationship or not wanting to get married" as he told me. Caught him off guard but answered dismissively with "Well, no one's perfect.... " Seeing what I was about to say next (trying to get closure of why we broke up and if he'd like to get back together) He say "he thinks he made the right decision." It frustrated me and peeved me a bit that he didn't want to talk further about it, since when people break up they usually don't remain friends and hang out every weekend... That's not fair to me and I think it's about time to move on to someone who actually wants me, doesn't play games and will treat me the way I deserve to be treated (and vice versa). Though, I'm having trouble moving on since I remember our good times and such.

Also, there's the fact that I haven't gone on a date in a looong time the last date I was on was the first date with my ex nearly 3 years ago. I remember what an uphill battle it was to even find my ex- it just happened by chance through a mutual friend and nearly didn't happen at all since I nearly had to force myself to hang out with them that night. The randomness of meeting someone makes me wonder if spending money going out to bars, perfecting online dating profiles, putting yourself out there and such is slightly futile. Maybe the first breakup has made me more wary about putting myself out there? I guess having the right mindset is half the battle since guys pick up on those baggage vibes.

I was talking to my roommate about this and even though she was 1/2 joking it was still somewhat shocking (to me at least), "the best way to get over a guy is get under a guy- start hooking up. You too much of a prude anyway and you're spending too many Sat nights here in the apartment by yourself" Seriously!? Hooking up (while fun) doesn't seem very wise in my book of how to get over a relationship.... I'm looking for a LTR, not 1 night stands.

How did you move on from your first break up?

 

[The Fly]

If you're looking to meet someone for an actual relationship you're gonna' have to put yourself out there. Anyone I've ever met that I would want to spend time with, I met through or as a friend. You say you don't have a strong circle of friends, start there. Just get out and meet people, if nothing else you'll gain some friends. It beats sitting home alone...... wondering what the ex's doing.

 

[KaraBulut]

How did you move on from your first break up?

You phrased it accurately. You don't "get over" a serious break up but instead you "move on". It's a process and you just have to go through that process to emerge on the other side.

... he didn't want a serious relationship, but "he still wanted to be friends" So I agree even though needless to say even that's been hard on me since there wasn't really any closure and I get the sense he's not sure what he really wants.

We've been hanging out on weekends

...I haven't gone on a date in a looong time the last date I was on was the first date with my ex nearly 3 years ago. I remember what an uphill battle it was to even find my ex...

The Fly has already summed it up nicely- it's time that you put yourself out into the meeting people- to find new friends and in some cases, to find people to get naked with.

But before you can do that, there's still a piece of the break up that hasn't happened... namely, "the break up".

There are people who will tell you that it's a bad idea to be friends with an ex. There are others who will tell you that they have remained close friends with their ex. But no one will tell you that they broke up with their ex and still continued spending their free time with the ex instead of trying to move on with their life.

You both are trying to have it both ways- you cannot. He needs to go find new friends to play with. You need to find new friends to play with. It's not fair to either of you to continue acting like you're a couple even though you've decided not to be a couple. And it is preventing you from moving on- which is why you keep looking for evidence that he's ready to get back together.

It's going to be part of that painful process but you need to stop spending your weekends with your ex. It's time you started meeting new people. It's time you moved on. It's also part of the process that you will meet some not-so-nice people and it's part of the process that you will meet some people who will be the best of friends. You will not meet your next boyfriend until you start dating- even if that means dating and discarding a few losers in the process.

 

[eastofeden]

My first breakup?

It felt like my chest was on fire and my stomach was turning inside out...I will never forget that part. Thank God that part only lasted a week or so....

I then cried alot and drank alot and did some drugs...went out but only moped around...whined about my great loss to anyone who would listen. I did the whole checklist from Drama Queen 101...I will never love again...nothing will ever be the same...my life as I know it is over... and all the usual fare....

...then I pulled myself together and went on about my life with little thought ....

The secret...I grieved my loss and felt all the feelings I felt so I was free to move on. We were friends again.....maybe 4-5 years later....and there was clearly no interest in getting back together. I "fell in love" with someone else...and then another guy...and the fourth time I fell in love was/is the real thing...been together 28 years.

That's my story though.

My impression is that you both have a communication problem if you have to guess he is talking about the both of you when he is talking about someone else...and since you broke up six months ago it kinda sounds like you both think you are still in a relationship. I think you need to make a conscious effort to move along....

 

[bruce379]

Some people will know my first and former real BF of 2 year split up about 6 months ago since he didn't want a serious relationship, but "he still wanted to be friends" So I agree even though needless to say even that's been hard on me since there wasn't really any closure and I get the sense he's not sure what he really wants.

We've been hanging out on weekends (neither of us really knows anyone else or have an established group of friends) and he invited me out to lunch yesterday. 1/2 way through mentioned something that made me think he wanted to bring up getting back together; just a passing comment about a friend of his wanting to get back together with his ex which I asked what he thinks they should do. He had a mixed answer. I took that as an in road I gave him a sincere apology for anything I've done in the passed to hurt him and such since I think there was more to the story than not wanting a "serious relationship or not wanting to get married" as he told me. Caught him off guard but answered dismissively with "Well, no one's perfect.... " Seeing what I was about to say next (trying to get closure of why we broke up and if he'd like to get back together) He say "he thinks he made the right decision." It frustrated me and peeved me a bit that he didn't want to talk further about it, since when people break up they usually don't remain friends and hang out every weekend... That's not fair to me and I think it's about time to move on to someone who actually wants me, doesn't play games and will treat me the way I deserve to be treated (and vice versa). Though, I'm having trouble moving on since I remember our good times and such.

Also, there's the fact that I haven't gone on a date in a looong time the last date I was on was the first date with my ex nearly 3 years ago. I remember what an uphill battle it was to even find my ex- it just happened by chance through a mutual friend and nearly didn't happen at all since I nearly had to force myself to hang out with them that night. The randomness of meeting someone makes me wonder if spending money going out to bars, perfecting online dating profiles, putting yourself out there and such is slightly futile. Maybe the first breakup has made me more wary about putting myself out there? I guess having the right mindset is half the battle since guys pick up on those baggage vibes.

I was talking to my roommate about this and even though she was 1/2 joking it was still somewhat shocking (to me at least), "the best way to get over a guy is get under a guy- start hooking up. You too much of a prude anyway and you're spending too many Sat nights here in the apartment by yourself" Seriously!? Hooking up (while fun) doesn't seem very wise in my book of how to get over a relationship.... I'm looking for a LTR, not 1 night stands.

How did you move on from your first break up?

She's right. Get busy with a guy. That's the best way to reset your brain.

 

[Seasoned]

You are emotionally attached to him because you keep seeing him. It's not easy to go directly from being bf's to just friends. Work on yourself and then evaluate if you want to be friends.

I'm going to caution you from meeting a guy (the next guy) and trying to force a relationship. Dating or hook ups ought to be like job interviews: both parties making an honest evaluation to see if there's a "fit."

 

[borg69unimatrix]

You JUST (kinda) got out of one relationship... Take some time to mourn, grieve, get over him, and find yourself.

"Who Is eRobert" ?? Figure out who you are a single person/entity without being eRobert and... (the ex).

Jumping from one relationship to another is a disaster waiting to happen, IMO. The new guy doesn't want all your old guy's baggage and drama, and he certainly doesn't want to feel like a stand-in replacement for the hole in your heart and that still warm spot in the bed that was the ex's.

One rule I always had with BF's... We're either ON, or OFF. No grey area's, no trial separations, no breaks to go find yourself (and have an excuse to cheat). If you're broken up, move on and cut the chord. Perhaps one day in the future you can be friends again but right now he's an Ex and you have to get over him. Otherwise more than likely your life's going to be put on hold while you puttz around trying to figure out if he wants back in, and in 2-3 weeks you're going to be even more devastated when you find out HE is seeing someone else and you're still single.

 

[rareboy]

Yup.

The best way to move on is to move on.

Seeing him all the time is a perfect way to avoid moving on.

And your friend was 100% right. The best way is to get back in the saddle...and by that I mean reverse Cowboy...with a new guy...even if it is just for the dating.

Get out there.