He doesn't want to have sex as often as I do

[UC3543]

I know this exact topic and question has been asked several times, but here it is again.

Quick rundown: we have been dating for a year and a half and for the last three months we have been basically living together (although we haven't officially "moved in together")

For the past three months we have been together every night, but we have had sex 4 times. Not that things were ever much more often than that, but when we were only together 2 or 3 nights a week -(otherwise staying at our separate places )it didn't seem that unusual. But now that we are staying together it seems way out of the ordinary.

I have explained to him that I want to have sex more often, he doesn't argue with me and I have asked him, what do I need to do to make it happen. He didn't really answer me. He does work a lot, on his feet all day and is tired every night - But yesterday just for an example he was gone most of the day hanging out with his family and didn't get home until 3 AM, and I told him we never stay up that late for any reason. So of course that makes me feel as if I am not that importantor sex isn't that important to him. If we had sex 2 or 3 times per week, that would be great. (we are both in our mid 30's) So I don't think I am asking too much.

Couple of final points

1)He is the domimant personalty in our relationship = he tends to be the leader as far as weekend plans. I mention this just to point out that if he wants to do something he is very strong willed and will mention it to me. So I really do not think he is too shy or is the type that wants me to initiate sex. If he wanted to have sex, he would tell me. And I have told him, I'll have sex anytime, anywhere, and he doesn't respond to my strong hints

2) I have told himn, I don't care what we do when we have sex, I just ned to feel close to him. If we want to make out, cuddle, massage and neither of us cum - I have no problem "not finishing" I can do that on my own, on my own time.


I know the obvious answer is I need to explain to him how I feel in detail, but I don't want sex to be something he feels like he has to do. If I tell him, I need or want sex 3 times a week, I don't want him to just put in his time and mark off the days.

I would love to read your thoughts. ask any questions, especially if I need to clarify anything

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I have asked him, what do I need to do to make it happen. He didn't really answer me.

Then you need to not accept this. As long as he feels he can duck the question, he'll do so. So insist on an answer. You might suggest something really easy for him. Have him hold you while you jerk off, for instance.

Lex

 

[UC3543]

At times I think this is a huge red flag on our entire relationship.

Hs anyone been in similar situation where things changed - how did you make things change

 

[KaraBulut]

There's three big red flags:

1. The difference between your needs and his needs.
2. The fact that the two of you can't talk about the elephant in the room.
3. The fact that when you do talk, nothing changes afterward.

You can give it one more shot. Try to state what you want and not what he's not doing. When you focus on the other guy's short-comings, it comes across as nagging.

For example:
"I'm in the mood to cuddle" - states what you want
"You never want to make out with me!" - is nagging

In general, be wary of sentence that start with the word "you".

The real challenge is to get this guy to open up about what he's feeling and why he's not showing affection or showing interest in sex. If he's not able to talk about it... well, there's not much future in the long term.

 

[Lube]

Sex just 4 times in 3 months?

Dude, he either has no sex drive, or he's gettin' a lot on the side.

Dump him.

 

[UC3543]

Sex just 4 times in 3 months?

Dude, he either has no sex drive, or he's gettin' a lot on the side.

Dump him.

There have been times when I thought he was getting something on the side, but I really don't think he is.

so I am not crazy to think 4 times in 3 months is really low and a sign that something is wrong

 

[Lube]

Well, yes, something is wrong. Either it's a physical problem, or stress, or he has no interest in you sexually or that's just the way he's always been. Could be any of the 4. If any of the last two are true, it's time to move on. For the first 2, you could work with him on it.

 

[UC3543]

Tell us about the other non-sexual parts of the relationship - you have been together for a year and a half or at least dating as you say. A decrease in sexual activity happens in a lot of relationaships though perhaps not as much as in your case. Sounds like sex is really important to you but if the other things are there you should be able to work out a compromise and have it a little more often so you are not desperate for it.

It seems from reading your posts that as soon as you started living together (3 months ago) the sex went way down so you have to examine what the change could have been or was it just a gradual drop off in activity.
It certainly doesn't seem like he's getting it on the side...Maybe in the past 3 months he has been working a lot harder???
Sex 2 or 3 times a week is pushing it - I can't think of any relationship I have had where we maintained that level - ok twice a week...but that's after living together longer than 3 months so you may have a point!
Sorry not to be more helpful - just talk to him and remember meet him half way - but if he avoids and isn't willing to change then you need to have a more serious conversation where you simply say that the realtionship won't work if you are not happy and you aren't happy with the sex part etc. Sounds like that what it may come to

Thanks to everyone for the great points.

The more I think about all this the more I think the lack of sex is just a symptom of what is going on in our relationship. We don't communicate enough, we don't spend enough time doing things together. I almost think we are more "roommates" than anything else.

That might be a bit harsh, I know he loves me and I love him. But for example a typical weekday night is this. I get home around 6, walk the dog, probably pick up some type of dinner, he gets home around 7, he likes to eat dinner while he watches TV and likes to have maybe 30 to 45 minutes to unwind. I really have no problem with that. But from there we might watch an hour long tv show together until 9 or maybe 9:30, he then goes to bed, I walk the dog again and then I get frustrated. That is pretty much Monday through Thursday for sure. He often has to work either Friday or Saturay evening until 9, and right now neither of us have a ton of money, so we ae not out spending money.

That is not to say we dont do things together, we go on walks, go to the mall and other things, but it is too few and far between.

we are going to have a talk. He's the type that as soon as he walks in the door or wakes up in the morning he has to turn the TV on right away. That bugs me and I figured I was someone who watched a lot of tv.

I'll let you know how it goes. right now he is really sick, so we won't have the talk for 4 or 5 days

 

[Lube]

TV is definitely a communication-killer.

My bf is addicted to the Today show, but other than that we watch no TV at all, other than maybe a PBS special now and then.

Maybe he's using TV as a way of avoiding communication? Hope things go well. Good luck.

 

[Daximus]

Yeah I'd say talk with him but don't push to hard. Sometimes pushing just moves them further away and things get worse. But if you take it slow, talk honestly, don't be confrontational and let him have his space all at the same time, you'll figure out how to make things work for both of you.

Good luck UC.

 

[UC3543]

We had about a 2 hour talk that went really well - in that we discussed a lot of issues. Bottom line on the sex thing is that sure he says he wants sex more often, but when I mentioned 3 or 4 times per week I would like to have "some form of sex" He looked at me and acted like 3 or 4 was really a lot and too much for him. I think he'd be happy with once or twice and that is what he's had in past relationships.

When I asked him, if there is something I need to do to get us started - i.e. more aggressive, ask for it, new situations......he didn't really answer me. The sense I get is he'll continue to initiate sex when he wants it.

I made it clear, I need more communication, more togetherness, and that I have doubts about our relationship. He says he doesn't have any doubts and that he can envision us together 15 years from now.

We also discussed the differencs in how we handle money, difference in religion and tried to get him to discuss something things that bothered him about me, he mentioned a couple of things.

My plan is to see if things change over the next 6 weeks or so, and then decide if I want to continue the relationship - didn't tell him that specificially. It will be a really difficult decision

thanks guys......any other thoughts would be great

 

[Lube]

My thoughts are that you two just aren't that compatible. You need things he's not willing to give. He's just cruising along in life, and you seem to want more interaction.

It's always exciting for the first 6 months to a year, but then it's real work after that. He doesn't sound particularly interested in that part.

 

[aneal_lingus]

just a thought:
my ex was submissive in plans when it came to hanging out and I'm dominate if I want to do something. In sex, he was very agressive and I tended to be submissive.

When it came to sex...I'm a horny little fuck and he could go with or without. To get sex started, I always had to initiate it, ALWAYS. Even if he was tired or busy or whatever. Basically if I wanted it, all I had to was cast the 1st boner to get things started.

It usually happened when we were cuddled together, but I like to keep things interesting at times. Plus I get horny at random moments. So I'd just grab his dick while driving or walk into the bathroom with him or rub my ass against his dick if he stood behind him wherever we were. Always works and spiced things up a bit, just for fun.

I think, if you get into a mood where you want sum, start it yourself. Start with a builder like kissing or cuddling, then if he doesn't stop it go for the gold and wrap those lips around something juicy!

I also needn't say, repetitive sex is boring sex. Bringing some new technique to bed is like a treat, if not only for your benefit. I gave average blowjobs until one night I was curious about something and tried a new technique.
BOWBAMBUSTedNUT!!! I was startled at his intensity when he came. Basically making it fun and not a chore. (I'm sure that I needn't say that, though...but everyone doesn't know).