He wants to come out, but I think it can only make things worse.

[LandSome80]

We are childhood friends and lovers from teens and we have a company together with some trusted people and his sister who joined to "save him from me" (outside of work we are closeted). Our parents are homophobic. My ex found us fucking at a party and went to tell our parents about us. I tried to swear it was fake but they only calmed down when I got engaged to my wife actual(ten years ago). She knows everything, she’s ok with that, she also wants to have a child with me and I’m thinking to say yes.
Four hour ago my lover, who I will call Dave, He came to me crying and saying he doesn’t want to anymore(I knew he didn’t like this situation but I thought he was okay anyway). I don’t know what to do because I love him and I want to be with him but with my wife I’m fine and I have a wonderful marriage.
I’m also afraid of what he might do because he’s always telling me "without you I would kill myself". I’m afraid that he can do what my ex did or that he can hurt himself.
Help me. Have any of you lived or currently live this? Have you had or have any friends in a similar situation?

 

[KaraBulut]

One common theme in your story: there's a history of making decisions to make other people happy and not because it would make you happy.

If you want to be with your lover, you should do so because it is the right thing for you, not because he's manipulating your emotions to force you to make a choice.

The same is true of your wife. You should only stay in the marriage if you feel that being married and possibly starting a family is the right thing for you.

If you're not happy in the marriage and you're not happy with the situation with the lover, then consider speaking with a therapist who can help you sort through this complicated situation to figure out what is the best for you.

Both your wife and your lover know about the other and this is what they have signed up for. If your wife or your lover were here asking for advice, the recommendation would be the same: do what is right for you and if you're in a situation where you are unhappy or want to harm yourself over a relationship that is not working out, find a therapist and get the help you need to move on.

 

[LandSome80]

I thought well what to answer you, writing my story was difficult for a coy person like me (initially I created my account for other reasons) but now I need help.
First the selfish motivation: I want to start a family and with my wife I can do it easily. The second is psychological: Dave and I are still shocked by what happened to us 20 years ago. The third, the social one: it is only eight years(i'm 41) that I began to think of myself as bi and not just as someone who was curious and only for five that I am ok with the LGBT world. The fourth, which makes me be closeted: I never want to disappoint again neither parents nor my wife. Last but not least: Dave is an extremely problematic person and we also have a low compatibility, yes we love each other (or maybe as his sister says "it’s just addiction") but after a while we fight hard.

 

[MusicMan321]

First of to JUB so from what you said that you are married to a woman and your bisexual and have feelings towards a guy. Does your wife know your bi and has no clue about your male friend of you from? It seems like most married men are in the same situation as all of them discovering their sexuality what they like

 

[LandSome80]

Firstly, thanks for the welcome. And yes my wife knows that and being with Dave for years I don’t care too much about my sexuality, I love him and I don’t care about having other lovers except my wife which is more of a cover-up. It would be easier to do what he asks me to do but in the long run the relationship would be unstable because we don't go along well(there's a lot love and passion but nothing more), with my wife I’m happy and I could start a family.
That’s all, that’s my problem.

 

[Briacon429]

Hmmmm... there’s a lot to unpack here.

I agree with everything KaraBulut said, and in fact, you seemed to reinforce it with your responses. Above all, you need to do what’s best for YOU. But you also need to make some tough decisions, because if you don’t, things will only get harder.

I see some pretty serious red flags with Dave. Whenever someone says “without you I would kill myself” that’s a telltale sign of a toxic relationship. It sounds like you’ve gotten used to the situation, but that’s not a good thing, because it’s caused these problems to fester. You’ve clearly developed a codependency, and I know it’s not easy to break out of that, but you owe it to yourself. I’m going to be blunt and recommend breaking things off with Dave, though I fully acknowledge it won’t be easy.

You’ve acknowledged being afraid of “disappointing” your parents, and unfortunately I can’t promise how they might react to knowing the truth. But I think you owe it to yourself to be honest about who you are. At least your wife seems to accept you, so I would hope she’d support you through this.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, this will be painful no matter how you do it. But you’re better off ripping off the band-aid and getting it over with, because you’ll be far happier and far better off in the end. Prolonging the situation won’t help anyone— least of all Dave, nor your wife for that matter.

 

[LandSome80]

Okay.
It is difficult to answer you, it would mean making decisions that I now understand to avoid. I’m not that bad (I know you think so), maybe I’m selfish and sometimes narcissistic and I can admit it, Dave makes me feel high and with him everything seems a little bit more possible.
For quit I doubt I can do it without big business compromises, we are a small company and all partners are extremely important especially in an industry with strong competition our team is united, so I’m sure I’d still be forced to work with him whether I wanted to or not, and you know how it’s gonna end, but I can try.
With my wife is complex, I am honest that it is not her hurts but my ego, do not get me wrong I would feel guilty but it is something irrational.
I’m less interested in my parents who betrayed my trust, in the end.
I don’t know what to do, that’s the problem.
I’m disaster just as Dave, sometimes I think we belong together.
Being always over the top, living like in a novel, for me sometimes this seems almost vital.
I didn’t want to say it before, I myself understand how bad I am, but I can only understand without feeling anything and it is perhaps my limit.
I’m writing too much, and I realize that, but I need to vent.

I hope you can help me, I don’t know who to ask.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I don’t know what to do, that’s the problem...

Nah, you know what to do. You just aren't ready to deal with the aftermath.

I'm going to repeat a suggestion that I made earlier: talk with a therapist. One of the things that the pandemic brought us is an option to meet with therapists via videoconference.

I suspect that the process of saying all of this out loud to another person is going to be cathartic, after all this time. The person who is in the middle of the storm will always find it difficult to see the way out and will find it difficult to believe that the storm will eventually end. Having someone to talk with and to figure out how to deal with the storm and its aftermath would help you sort through this.

 

[LandSome80]

Yeah, you're right.

But I still have to figure out how to behave, I’m very rational-I’m not usually like that- and my ask of help is mostly about how to react without hurting Dave.

 

[Briacon429]

Yeah, you're right.

But I still have to figure out how to behave, I’m very rational-I’m not usually like that- and my ask of help is mostly about how to react without hurting Dave.

Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to avoid hurting Dave. It’s clear you care about him, but it’s also clear you guys don’t have a healthy relationship. If you want to get out of your Catch-22, you’ll need to make some hard choices.

If it’s any consolation, it would be for the best for him too. Based on your description, he evidently isn’t happy with where things stand either. He may *think* he can’t be happy without you, but it sounds like he’s just scared of making a change— in much the same way that you are. It may be painful at first, but both of you would be better-off starting a new chapter.

 

[LandSome80]

It’s true that I’m as scared as he is, that I’m deeply scared of making him suffer.
But you forget that I also have a company at stake.

Anyway, maybe it’s true that the company is just an excuse and I can’t realize it now.

Today his wife came to me-which might seem absurd but she has a pretty good relationship with me- telling me in tone between the worried and angry what I was doing and finding Dave out of himself.
Kate (invented, obv) calmed down after realizing that it was Dave who came to me and not me but is like me extremely worried, it would be easier if Dave did not have certain problems.

I don’t know what to do, the more it becomes true, so the more complex it becomes... everyone cares about Dave.

 

[LandSome80]

You probably won’t care, or you’ll think I’m a troll (I’d like to avoid it) but I think I should inform you of the latest events to thank you.

Dave and I have spoken, he’s calmed down at the moment, I don’t know how long it will last but for now it should be enough.
We decided to work without seeing each other for a while.
The others will act as intermediaries.

 

[mebob1469]

Hey there, I am a couple of days late. I read your posts and I feel for you. It appears you have already started taking some steps to make things better. To me it looks like you are caught in a three-way triangle between Dave, your wife (who I don't really think is the problem), and yourself (i.e. sexuality + fear of coming out aka external/internal homophobia).

I came out to my wife some 20 years ago. I did not have any relationships with men though (which I would say was a mistake). She was accepting initially, but when we had kids it stopped, which caused me to slide back into the closet. My kids are much older now and they know about my sexuality; furthermore, I separated from my wife two years ago. She too recently mentioned taking her own life (a few weeks ago due to her bad health), which made your story resonate with me. The key year is determining if it is a cry for help or an effort to exert control. I strongly suggest you see a therapist and keep all options for your future on the table. It helped me back then, and my therapist at the time did suggest that being married to a woman might not be best for me. I chose not to listen to this advice. I love my kids dearly and they live with me now, but living all of those years basically closeted and in a bad relationship cost me an incredible amount emotionally as well. Your wife may be accepting now, but this can change.

Unless you are financially dependent on your parents, I suggest that you stop caring what they will think. From hearing your story, it sounds similar to mine. My mother still to this day tries go give me a guilty conscience. She also tried to break up my marriage. Now, I try to talk to her as little as possible. I suggest that you put yourself in the foreground when deciding what to do, which basically means finding happiness within yourself (as opposed to seeking approval from others).

I'm not sure if this helps...

 

[LandSome80]

Thanks for the great help! Sorry I couldn’t answer before because this week I worked a lot on a project.
I see a bit of myself in what you describe with your wife, she too begins to be more oppressive as her status quo of wife becomes more significant.
The biggest difference is that I am bisexual and I still like women -very much- as men -very much- and it's not the sexual orientation that is problem. For now she does not stress me with stay in closet but many have warned me about how wives change.
In my case is Dave to worries me, as already said.
I’m okay with my wife right now, but you’re right because my wife might act like yours someday.

Sorry if I write bad but those days i'm not sleeping.