Heavy emotions over ex-guy.

[gameboy 11]

So me and my ex-boyfriend broke up a long time ago (April of last year). We remained friends until July of the same year. I'm 28 now but he was actually my first actual boyfriend (although I've been out since 18).

Picture this. When he broke up with me in April, through a TEXT, I cried immediately and have since had no closure. I haven't seen him since July of last year. What ended the friendship was him promising he wouldn't go out with this girl our friend liked, only to turn around and date her. Who does that??

This past Sunday at the hospital, who do I see in the E.R. with his new girlfriend? My ex. I was just sitting there with my mom with my eyes closed cause I wanted to rest/had been feeling faint. All of a sudden I open my eyes and there he is right across from me with his girlfriend that I've heard about. Honestly, all I know is that she's blonde and skinny. I wasn't concentrating on her.

I ended up going outside to cool off. Less than 10 minutes later they came outside and I think they left. I looked at him a couple of times during this whole experience and BOY he has NEVER LOOKED HOTTER. He looked REALLY GOOD. It hurt a lot to see him trying to move on although I had knew about his gf last year. I didn't see them again after I went back in.

I have actually tried to move on since we broke up last year. It's been a slow process but I have initiated trying to date others and stuff. In the process I talked to a couple of nice guys online, on the phone or through text (and experienced a lot of game playing) but nothing worked out.

The last guy that I asked out in August won't admit that he might like me. I honestly don't think he is close to accepting himself yet. I'm not being full of myself though -- when we work together he stares at me a LOT at different times. He said that he was in a relationship at the time. He says he's straight but wouldn't he have said, "I'm not gay." when I asked him out? I thought that was strange. He was nice about letting me down. But then weeks later he told someone he didn't have a girlfriend.

Why is dating life so complicated? And why after not seeing my ex for over a year did he out of the blue just kind of show back up in my life? I'm quite lost with all this now. Comfort and stability seem so far away to me.

 

[aaggii]

Well, everybody or at least most of the people experience some sort of nostalgia/sadness when they see their ex, especially with their new partner, it´s perfectly normal to still have some sort of even minimal feelings towards him, especially since he is the one ending the relationship and you clearly didn´t want that. As simple and stupid as this is, I found it true: meet new people, if the dating sites don´t do much for you, then GO OUT. Bars, clubs, you can go alone or ask someone to go with you.

I was also destroyed when I broke up with my ex, time ago, and even after I have met my current boyfriend, when I saw my ex, I felt a mix of anger, sadness, why-wasnt-I-good-enough-for-you type of feelings. It faded away; now, if I would see him again, I´m sure it wouldn´t matter, I´m happy where I am now and if it wouldn´t have been for him cheating, I wouldn´t have ended in such a good place at the moment.

The problem is not that he felt for another person - because we don´t decide what to feel and who to fall for - but that he lied. You´ll be fine, in the future, believe me.

Besides, if it´s you in the picture, I find it hard to believe guys are not making a line behind you

 

[water90]

So it's been how long? Some people heal faster and some take longer. My girlfriend took 3-4 months to get over her boyfriend. I got over one of my ex in around 6 months but the lingering effects stayed with me for up to a year - I was over him but I wasn't over aspects of the relationship.

To me, sometimes the longer you take to get over someone just means you loved so much more and that's a good thing, you can never love someone enough.

Don't try and date and 'replace him' - I feel maybe you are subconsciously doing this. Get over him first, heal. Do things you love, commit to your hobbies, find a new hobby, make friends, hang out with family. Time will definitely heal all wounds, this is coming from someone who's experienced it all and you will find that special guy, I promise.

Once you're ready, you will meet other's who will love you for you.

 

[gameboy 11]

Thanks, guys! I didn't expect the responses to be so positive! Initially when we broke up it really did hurt. After some odd months I kinda didn't think about him as much as I used to...but the feelings came back stronger eventually. Going the way things had been going for over a year I honestly didn't think I'd see him since we had no run ins since last July. It was really, really difficult even looking his way though because he was with her. It doesn't help that it was so unexpected. I'm obviously not one to get over certain people too quickly (especially the first guy I feel I've ever truly fell in love with). Lastly, to address something you guys said directly I'm pretty opposite of outgoing in most cases. I'm extremely shy until I open up and feel comfortable. I've been going to bars on and off since I was 23...they were fun at first but that kind of atmosphere drains me. I actually tried online dating because it was easy access. But it's very impersonal.

I do agree that I have to get over him first...but it's been so long it seems like I will never actually do that. Over the course of time between us splitting I've felt very out of control of the situation and I feel that the grip won't let go. I just remember the tender moments with him. If anything at best he was a true gentleman.

 

[aaggii]

If clubs don´t work for you, join a LGBT group, even an online one. Do stuff that makes you happy, you don´t need to replace the guy, but having fun meeting fellas won´t hurt

 

[mcbrion]

He broke up with you with a text message?? I'm sure it's my generation, but one thing is constant: people who avoid "scenes" by breaking up with you via text (see: Russell Brand) have some emotional issues. That's just NOT how you treat another human being. It's all but shouting, "I don't want to have to deal with your emotions, because I can't deal with mine." I hope that much is clear to ANYone doing this, unless the other person is mentally unstable and there's a danger of violence.IT.IS.NOT.OKAY.
It's natural to note that someone you still have feelings for looked good: that's part of the regret: "I wish he didn't leave me, and why does he have to look so GOOD???" You feel worse because it's almost as though someone who left you got better looking after they left you. But it's completely irrelevant to the deeper matters. It's just a way of hurting yourself to focus on someone's looks when you're the one who's left. If you had - at one point - dated, and then left, a woman, and she got better looking, do you think you'd have the same response? Probably not.
Also, you haven't let go of him. I hope that's clear to you. And what would help is if you knew why he left you, even if it makes you sad to hear his response. Sadness is natural to loss, but so many people try to avoid it and start dating someone else. That's just using another human being to try to stuff down your pain. Pain only goes away when it's dealt with, not when it's stuffed down. And if there's another crisis, then both of the unresolved issues come back and its twice as bad. I worked for a crisis organization, and this is how the human brain works. Feelings don't just disappear magically. Why do you think there are so many angry people out there? Because they haven't dealt with the source of their anger (usually issues in childhood such as bullies at school, friendships that dissolved, abusive parents, etc.).

Find out why he left, and tell him how you feel about it (I presume you had some anger about the cruel way he broke up with you? Let him know). Anger is more healing than most people realize: they see it as weakness. That's absurd. It's as valid as Love. And it's as helpful as any other emotion in processing loss. Don't be one of the people who carry their pain around for years and still live in the past. The only thing that comes out of that is bitterness. And I've seen many people who are still angry with something that happened to them 30 years ago, but have done absolutely nothing to resolve it. If you want to be in pain for years to come, then do nothing. Otherwise, confront him.

 

[Seasoned]

Try your luck with guys who identify as gay. You may be confusing seduction with romance and it can be a long, slow, torturous path to anxiety and frustration.

 

[gameboy 11]

He broke up with you with a text message?? I'm sure it's my generation, but one thing is constant: people who avoid "scenes" by breaking up with you via text (see: Russell Brand) have some emotional issues. That's just NOT how you treat another human being. It's all but shouting, "I don't want to have to deal with your emotions, because I can't deal with mine." I hope that much is clear to ANYone doing this, unless the other person is mentally unstable and there's a danger of violence.IT.IS.NOT.OKAY.
It's natural to note that someone you still have feelings for looked good: that's part of the regret: "I wish he didn't leave me, and why does he have to look so GOOD???" You feel worse because it's almost as though someone who left you got better looking after they left you. But it's completely irrelevant to the deeper matters. It's just a way of hurting yourself to focus on someone's looks when you're the one who's left. If you had - at one point - dated, and then left, a woman, and she got better looking, do you think you'd have the same response? Probably not.
Also, you haven't let go of him. I hope that's clear to you. And what would help is if you knew why he left you, even if it makes you sad to hear his response. Sadness is natural to loss, but so many people try to avoid it and start dating someone else. That's just using another human being to try to stuff down your pain. Pain only goes away when it's dealt with, not when it's stuffed down. And if there's another crisis, then both of the unresolved issues come back and its twice as bad. I worked for a crisis organization, and this is how the human brain works. Feelings don't just disappear magically. Why do you think there are so many angry people out there? Because they haven't dealt with the source of their anger (usually issues in childhood such as bullies at school, friendships that dissolved, abusive parents, etc.).

Find out why he left, and tell him how you feel about it (I presume you had some anger about the cruel way he broke up with you? Let him know). Anger is more healing than most people realize: they see it as weakness. That's absurd. It's as valid as Love. And it's as helpful as any other emotion in processing loss. Don't be one of the people who carry their pain around for years and still live in the past. The only thing that comes out of that is bitterness. And I've seen many people who are still angry with something that happened to them 30 years ago, but have done absolutely nothing to resolve it. If you want to be in pain for years to come, then do nothing. Otherwise, confront him.

As far as I know he actually broke up with me because I wanted him to be physically affectionate with me. He told me that he's not really the touchy feely type. Could there have been other reasons? Yeah. Maybe. However, when I told him one day in a text "I wish you were here." He asked why. Then I told him "so you could hold me." And then he basically said it wasn't gonna work. That's what I assume the whole thing was about. As far as approaching him and telling him why I am angry with him and what he did was absolutely foolish -- I honestly don't think I can do that. I mean it *would* be nice to get some closure....however, he has a girlfriend now and I don't even know if he'd want to talk to me after I didn't speak to him at the hospital that night (but honestly what did he expect? He broke up with me! lol ) Thanks for posting btw! I appreciate the point of view.