Hello!

[jaydeec]

First post!

This is probably my first time admitting that I'm gay outside of my own mind. Until now I've kept these thoughts locked tightly in my head and would risk my life to keep them there (maybe not ). Recently I've been feeling a bit foolish for keeping all this locked up and have decided to explore it just a bit. This exploration will stay on the internet for now because I couldn't imagine coming out just yet. I've never talked about my feelings on the subject but I so desperately want to. I want to let others know what I'm thinking and hear what they have to say about it (thats where these forums come in )

I'm very close to my parents and love them very much and I'm sure they love me just the same but I feel like I can't tell them I'm gay. I've overheard my mom say things about gay people that I don't agree with (like it's a mental disorder or other things like that, usually negative) and I think this is one of the main reasons I can't come out. Also, I'm my dad's only son (my mom had another son with someone else before she divorced and met my dad) and my dad is very proud of his family and I'd feel crushed if he wasn't proud of me for any reason.

To be honest, I have no idea how they would feel about me being gay. My mom has asked me if I was gay atleast twice and I quickly denied it. I have a strong feeling that they suspect I'm gay (they always ask if I have a girlfriend or why I don't have one) and might just be waiting for me to admit it but that doesn't make me feel any easier. I always just tell them that I don't have a girlfriend because it'd be a lot of trouble for me especially since I don't want to get married or have kids.

My family isn't the only reason I won't come out. I can't even agree with myself on the subject! I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride with tons of ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like coming out and wish I would just go ahead and get it over with and other times I feel very relieved that I didn't go through with it. It's very confusing to me that I would want to be out so much one minute and scared to death and glad I'm not the next. What's funny is that there isn't any event that causes this, it's just that sometimes I feel one way and other times I don't . I'm pretty sure I'm gay (a woman in a bikini is pretty but a man in a speedo is hot ) but sometimes I feel like I'm not gay even though I've never been attracted to females. This is not a very fun roller coaster

Gonna stop here for now.

I really look forward to all your responses to this, I'm pretty excited to finally have a chance to explain (even just a little bit to complete strangers) how I feel.

 

[Riverrick]

Welcome Jaydeec!

Thanks for trusting us with those thoughts inside your head. Writing about them and having other people read and care how you feel can often be a great relief. You may feel better just having posted here. It was very brave of you to do this.

Go slow. You don't have to define your sexuality today. I don't think anyone here is going to pressure you to do that.

You sound confused and worried about coming out. Confusion is a norm here. Its tough to grow up gay in a straight world. There are a lot of guys around here struggling with their sexual identity, so you have a lot of company.

Anyhow, welcome again! Its nice to have you here. I think you're going to like JUB.

 

[Roland00]

Welcome

 

[confusedboy23]

Hello and welcome jaydeec!

There is no doubt that if one had a choice, they would never choose to ride that rollercoaster you were talking about. It is definitely not as fun as those you would find at Disneyworld and to make things worst, this life rollercoaster is not a typical 5 minutes ride but is one that can last 5 years, 15 years, or whatever!

It is OK being confused. I mean, we all would have had to deal with this confusion at some point in our lives. Some might have had it easy and was able to figure things out in a jiffy but some might just end up taking a much longer period of time.

As Riverrick has said, there is just no need for you to define yourself at this very moment. Coming out to family and friends is usually a big deal to a lot of people, because there could be a lot of reactions and for that reason, you have to be absolutely certain about yourself before you go out telling the world. That said, your sexuality is nobody's business, it is only your business!

Take your time to get to know yourself better. I can't tell you how long this will take because I am still getting to know myself. It can only get better this way. You did mention that you feel scared sometimes, and that's normal too because it might take some time before you, yourself can accept yourself! Now, if it takes so much time for you to accept yourself, you have to know that others may also take some time to accept you. Just keep that in mind if and when you decide to tell others.

For now, don't worry about coming out or labelling yourself. Get to know yourself and when the time comes, you will accept yourself and you will be much more prepared to come out!

Feel free to add more to your thread about your ups and downs. We're more than happy to listen and help you as you go on this rollercoaster!

 

[jaydeec]

I've been on this rollercoaster for a few years now. Most of the time I'm sure about being gay and it's just a matter of working up the courage to tell someone. The rest of the time I feel like I could be straight but as I've said before I've never been attracted to the opposite sex so this feeling usually goes away in a day or two but it's enough to make me wonder.

This seems silly to me but I don't feel gay after masturbating and sometimes feel a bit disgusted at whatever porn I was looking at (but I always come back for more ). I've always wondered if other guys feel the same way It's just little things like this that have me wondering all the time and it's not very fun.

Despite this I still can't wait to meet a guy and fool around but I can wait to tell my friends and family. Seems like a lame situation to be in to me.

 

[confusedboy23]

You're not lame at all. You sounded just like me.

Yes, I've had those times when I felt disgusted at gay porn and yes, there were times when I felt "straight-er" after I blow a load jacking off to porn. I reckon it's just normal and I'm sure many guys who are questioning themselves would have experienced it. It will take time before you start accepting yourself, sometimes, it is denial happening that you do not actually realise. Just let it be, take your time. I only accepted myself a few months ago and I am 23. I am still in the closet though. So, hang on and you'll be fine. No rush to find out and definitely, no rush to tell the world!

 

[jaydeec]

Denial is probably the best way to describe it. If I had a choice I'd just be straight to make things easier and get rid of all this anxiety I'm feeling but if there's anything I've learned over the past few years it's that there isn't much of a choice involved. The only choice I've had is to keep things a secret even though I wish I didn't have to. I probably don't have anything to worry about but I'm definitely taking my time on this one.

 

[confusedboy23]

Great stuff!!! Just take your time with it.

There is indeed no choice with our sexuality but trust me, once you start accepting yourself as gay/bi/str8/bent/crookedWHATEVER, LOL, you will feel a lot more better and a lot more confident about yourself. It is all in your head!!!

In the meantime, browse the forums and feel free to leave us with your thoughts.

 

[Steppenwolf]

Jaydeec, for most of us it has been or still is a rollercoaster ride. Mine lasted over 20 years. I would play it safe and buy porn tapes and magazines, and about once a year throw everything away and go "straight." My work back then wouldn't allow me to come out anyway, which gave me a convenient excuse not to come out. I finally decided to come out before I ever did anything with a guy. That's a choice that worked for me, but not necessarily for you or anybody else. Our circumstances are all different.

In your writing, I see so much of what I went through all of these years. Take your time, but be honest with yourself. It's not what you want to be or what you want to feel that's important, but what you do feel. That won't change over time. When you finally do come off that rollercoaster either way, it can be an awesome feeling. Let us know how you're doing.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi jaydeec, a tardy welcome from me too!

Your coming on here and posting and a good first step. Congratulations. I first talked about my own sexuality on the Internet too, and it helped tremendously. I hope this is a good and safe forum for you and that you continue to explore whatever you want to with us.

I would venture to guess that your mother knows. Mothers seem to have a 6th sense about these things, and, if she's even asking, she may be looking for a confirmation of her hunches, rather than as a geniune curiosity. That's not meant to urge you to sit them down and have a gut-wrenching conversation--not at all. Everything in its own time. It's best to do this, at some point in the future, when you're more comfortable with the idea itself.

btw, it's common not to feel gay (or anything for that matter) after masturbating. You're not horny then. The very best test for attractions is when you're so horny you're about to blow a load in your pants during a strong wind.
Again, a big welcome. It's good to have you here and hope to hear more from you and how you're doing.

 

[jockboy01]

The advice here is solid so there isn't much to add. But just wanted to say that I remember all of the feelings and thoughts that you are having. I think we all have or had them at one point or another. It's like growing up in a lot of ways... we all have different environments but our experiences can be dramatically similar in a lot of aspects. One day at a time and you'll figure it all out. Welcome to the best forum on the net for this (at least in my experience)!!!

 

[DrkShadow]

jaydeec,

I think just about all of us was went through or going through denial to some degree. I knew I was gay (didnt know much of the meaning at the time) when I was in first grade and had a huge crush on a very cute popular boy. I've kept is too myself for years, no one knew.

Between some theraphy, meds, I'm slowly coming out if the mood is right. I told 2 co-workers this year. I was pretty terrified with the first one, my current buddy was alot easier since he was not so religius & judgemental. He just said, I kind of thought so but didn't want to ask. Of course I got a crush on him but I think I'm handing it okay. Sex is easy to find, but good friends are like diamonds to me.
Were going camping next week

I'm 32 now, and after a rough day at the office, I got home and she knew I had been crying. She finally asked, is this about you being gay? I was like, WOW! She can always read me. My dad has said similar trash talk about gay people but he seems to be accepting it, whether he personally likes it or not. My dads a bit more liberal then I had thought. So now my parents and brother know, 2 friends from work. I'm slowly breaking out of my shell and act the way I want without worring about it. I'm not the flamboint type but if someone has the balls to ask me about my orintation, I'll tell them I wish I had started this ball rolling years ago but I guess I was not ready. Now if I can just find that one true soal mate ;P

Good luck with your journey and keep us posted

 

[dkonfrost]

Everything has been said, and they are all wonderful and helpful comments!

Welcome to JUB, and there are tons of great guys on this forum, so, you've come to the right place!

 

[3nipples]

The most important person you have to come out to is you. Everyone else can wait until you're ready, however long ot takes. There's no timetable.

 

[screwnutty]

Hey there Jaydeec! Welcome to one of the best spots on the Internet!

I have no advice to give, because basically what I was going to say has already been said! Your normal man. Welcome to the ride of life so to speak! Hey I'm 30 and find myself questioning myself ever once in awhile.....well until I put on Doctor Who! Can't promote David Tennant enough!

 

[mac_twck]

I just want to say that Moms know all. If she is asking you then she already knows because as hard as it is for you to tell her, it is that hard for her to ask. If she asks again respond, "Would that be so bad?" or words to that effect and see where the conversation goes from there. You are her baby, she loves you.

Welcome by the way.