Help!! Am I right or is he?

[innocentbychoice]

*Sorry for the very long post. Please read and help me.*

Hi, everyone. Please help me, here’s the deal:

I’m 19, my boyfriend is 26 and we’ve been together for a year and a half. We first started dating on june of last year. His best friend was someone he had been involved with at some point; they were friends, things happened between them (they slept together and they really cared for each other but were never a “couple”), they realized it was a mistake and moved on. He started dating me and at first I was ok with it, but then his friend’s presence started bothering me especially because he always found the way to be between both of us.

Anyways I’m a student, my boyfriend works. In college I hang out with a girl and a boy who is also gay. We became really good friends and I really liked him (as a friend) because he reminded me of my best friend who had moved to another city. So somewhere between September/October of last year my female friend tells me she has to talk to me. She tells me that my gay friend from school told her, with tears in his eyes, that he had a huge crush on me, that he knew I would never pay attention to him like that and that I was in a relationship but he didn’t know what to do to make his feelings go away, he told that to my female friend to get it out of his system and told her not to say a thing. She, trying to do good I suppose but now that I think about it made matters worse, told me about it and told me not to treat him differently and that she was just letting me know so I wouldn’t be sooo friendly he would confuse things.

So me, trying to be honest and not hide anything to my bf, told him about it (which I now regret) and he started crying on the phone when I told him. Yeah crying, he’s really dramatic. He said he thought I was gonna fall in love with my friend cuz we saw each other everyday and that he had seen it happen before (with HIM and his best friend I suppose). Of course nothing ever happened, and my friend never told me ANYTHING about it, in fact, he never did a thing to win me over or to let me know he had feelings for me. He was really polite and later on had crushes on few of my other friends; my bf knew about this but he didn’t care, he says he will always think my friend has feelings for me and that he will never trust him again, even though my friend has never done anything to damage my relationship with my bf.

Now here comes the important part:

As time progressed, we started hanging out less and less with my bf’s best friend. Why? His friend was really nosy and I couldn’t help being upset by him, because it’s not just his best friend, is a friend with whom he slept with and whom he wanted to date but couldn’t because the best friend was too afraid of what people might say. So it’s sort of an ex-boyfriend and I got sick of him. Now, with my friend, I have to see him everyday because we’re in college together but I try not to include him in my plans outside of college even though we share the same friends (very tricky situation). My boyfriend gets MAD and JEALOUS when he knows my friend is gonna hang out with me and my other friends, he gets mad just by hearing his name. We’ve had a million arguments about it and I always tell him I’m sick of him being so jealous and that he needs to get over the fact that that happened like a year ago, and that my friend had crushes on lots of other people and that he never did anything to damage my relationship or let me know about his feelings so there’s no reason for him to be so jealous everytime and for me to cut my friend out of my life entirely. My boyfriend always ends up saying to me that he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and that he’ll have to get use to it.

Sometimes he even compares this situation with the one with his best friend and tells me that it is so unfair that I get to hang out with my friend while he can’t even see his friend because I get mad. I always tell him that if he so desperately needs to see his friend, I got no problem with it as long as he tells me but I know he just says that so I don’t talk to my friend anymore, not because he wants to see his ex best friend because they’re not that close now anyways. Besides, I tell him that it’s a different situation cuz his best friend slept with him and they BOTH had feelings and when I started dating him his friend was really annoying and nosy. My friend, on the other hand, never did or say anything so he can’t even compare, plus I NEVER had feelings for my friend.

I have to clarify that I also stopped seeing some people that became my friends but that at first I was getting to know in a romantic kinda way. I obviously understand is annoying, upsetting and unnecessary for me to hang out with people that at some point I liked in a romantic way when I’m in a relationship. So I stopped being friends with them, but I don’t feel I should do the same with this friend.

Now what got me to write this post was that last night I was sending text messages saying “merry Christmas blah blah” to my friends, including that friend I’m talking about, and then I texted my bf and asked him if he had done the same, he said yes and I asked him if he had sent a message to his best friend (out of curiosity really). He said no and instantly asked me if I had sent one to my friend (my own question hunted me back, lol). I said yes and explained that it was a generic message I sent to everyone and that I would feel bad if he found out I sent messages to everyone but him. Next thing I know my bf is mad as hell till this very hour. I told him I’m tired of his jealous ways and that he needs to get over his insecurities, he told me he’s sick of my friend and that he’s not gonna back down as he always does.

So…WHAT SHOULD I DO?????????? I’m tired of the same argument over and over again about some silly thing that never transcended. And is he right and I should understand his insecurities and don’t see my friend ever again (which I don’t do outside of college that much anyway) or am I right?

 

[spreadeagle]

Who needs the drama?

I'm curious abouth whether you and your b/f are both in the same city - you seem to spend an awful lot of time on the phone or emailing each other. It sounds as if you've never sat down together and decided if you're in a committed relationship and if you are then determined ground rules, boundaries and expectations.

Jealousy, whether justified or not, will kill any relationship. My sense of it is that at 19/20 you'd be far better off having fun, finishing your studies and starting work. At that point, if he's still available, and you're still interested in being with him that's great. In the meantime all this unnecessary angst sounds like a huge drain on your time and energy and what are you actually getting from it in return?

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Both of you need to cool off. You have gotten yourself into a drama loop of mega proportions and are continuously playing the same, ole' sequence of getting into each other's hair over the same issues over and over again.

Txting a Christmas Wish is really nothing to worry about and, if your BF cannot get over it, that's just too bad.

You need to sit and openly talk over this whole 'I am the super-jealous mega-queen drama' as soon as possible. This is acutely destroying your relationship at this time.

Tell your friend that all relationships only survive because they based on explicit trust that we place into our partners. Since neither of you have done anything to violate each other's trust, a good idea might be to stop playing the endless soap and get into the more important matters of your relationship.

SC

 

[Eagle653]

Hi innocentbychoice, what a mess.

I think you've been done-in by an awful lot of loose lips, including, unfortunately, your own.

I don't know what your female friend was thinking when she divulged to you your male friend's crush. How could she have thought that was constructive to either her confidant or to you? There would have been so many more tactful ways to give you a heads up or get you to back off any innocent flirting...but, best of all, she should have kept her (and your) friend's confidence.

Secondly, your own boyfriend. You have it pegged correctly that his jealousy stems from insecurities. Part of that appears to be that you're in a long-distance relationship (he working and you off at school?). If only you were in each other's presence more, he'd probably get more secure faster.

But, no matter, you know what sends him into orbit...hearing about your friend. So, if he can't handle it, clam up about it. You aren't being dishonest, you just aren't antagonizing a situation that, rightly or wrongly, is there in his mind. Pure jealousy isn't particularly reasonable nor logical so reasoning with him and arguing about it on some sort of logical level isn't going to really solve it. Time sometimes lessens it as time tends to increase security in stable relationships. But, it takes longer if the parties are separated by distances and imaginations run wild.

Good luck. Try leaving the person out of all conversation and don't mention him again to you bf. In fact, it might drive him nuts that he hasn't heard anything. Don't be surprised if he starts probing you about him, himself!

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

If you can't trust each other, it is time to move on. Jealously is a power play. I'd tell him, if he doesn't trust you, to hit the road.

 

[innocentbychoice]

OMG thank you guys for your answers. I'm gonna try and answer all your questions and clear things a bit more.

Who needs the drama?

I'm curious abouth whether you and your b/f are both in the same city - you seem to spend an awful lot of time on the phone or emailing each other. It sounds as if you've never sat down together and decided if you're in a committed relationship and if you are then determined ground rules, boundaries and expectations.

Actually it's not a long distance relationship. We live in the same city and see each other everyday. He's at work from 6 to 6 (he's very important for the company) and after that we see each other for about 2 or 3 hours each day. The thing is that his mom lives in a small town 2 hours outside the city. So every now and then he goes there to visit her or she comes here to visit him (and that's a whole nother issue on its own but we don't need to talk about that). So that's why we were texting each other last nigh, it was Christmas so it's understandable that he was with his mom as well as I was with my family.

Jealousy, whether justified or not, will kill any relationship. My sense of it is that at 19/20 you'd be far better off having fun, finishing your studies and starting work.

That's what I feel sometimes. Even though I deeply care about him, sometimes I feel like I'd be better off with someone closer to my age, maybe at school as well. That's something that also comes to his mind sometimes and is one of a 100 reasons of his insecurities. That's why it kinda kills him that I spend all this time with my friends in college.

You need to sit and openly talk over this whole 'I am the super-jealous mega-queen drama' as soon as possible. This is acutely destroying your relationship at this time.

Well as averageguy says, it's hard to make jealousy logical. We've talked about it several times and he knows he's jealous as hell but he can't help it even though he knows I'll never cheat on him (his own words not mine). And when it comes to my friend, my boyfriend is just sure he's entitled to be angry.

Hi innocentbychoice, what a mess.

I think you've been done-in by an awful lot of loose lips, including, unfortunately, your own.

I don't know what your female friend was thinking when she divulged to you your male friend's crush. How could she have thought that was constructive to either her confidant or to you? There would have been so many more tactful ways to give you a heads up or get you to back off any innocent flirting...but, best of all, she should have kept her (and your) friend's confidence.

Yeah my female friend is a total idiot. I like her but she's the kind of person that makes a big deal out of everything and I'm sure in her little head she thought this was the best way to solve the issue, by telling me (and some other friends I must say, so is kind of a well known secret). But I just wish she hadn't. There was a million ways for her to manage this...and I wish I hadn't told anything to my bf.

Btw, there was no innocent flirting with my friend,lol, not at all!!!!!!!!!! She just wanted to make sure I knew it because you know when we like someone we tend to interpret their actions projecting our desires and not seeing what's really happening.

Secondly, your own boyfriend. You have it pegged correctly that his jealousy stems from insecurities. Part of that appears to be that you're in a long-distance relationship (he working and you off at school?). If only you were in each other's presence more, he'd probably get more secure faster.

As I said, it's not a long distance relationship but we can't spend all day together either.

And he's insecurities are product of every other man in his life having cheated on him. And I'm the one who suffers the consequences.

But, no matter, you know what sends him into orbit...hearing about your friend. So, if he can't handle it, clam up about it. You aren't being dishonest, you just aren't antagonizing a situation that, rightly or wrongly, is there in his mind. Pure jealousy isn't particularly reasonable nor logical so reasoning with him and arguing about it on some sort of logical level isn't going to really solve it. Time sometimes lessens it as time tends to increase security in stable relationships. But, it takes longer if the parties are separated by distances and imaginations run wild.

Yeah that's what I try to do...Not tell him anything about him. But he asks! Plus, when we go out with my friends...my friend is there. But I'll try and keep my mouth shut even more. Thank you for your advice!!!

And thanks everyone for replying. Please keep it coming.

 

[Eagle653]

Yeah that's what I try to do...Not tell him anything about him. But he asks!

That's what I was afraid of. But, this does give you a good opening. Don't mention anything about him, but when he asks, turn the tables on him. In a slightly irritated tone say "Look, you don't like him; you don't like hearing his name; you don't like that I even know him. He upsets you. Now, you're asking about him. I'm not willing to discuss him because it upsets you and because he's irrelevant to us, and 'us' is all I care about. He's a non-issue. Oh, did you hear about the new Honda they're introducing next year?"

If you persist and stand firm, he'll get the hint once he knows he can't manipulate you into a pouty guilt-ridden argument.

 

[innocentbychoice]

That's what I was afraid of. But, this does give you a good opening. Don't mention anything about him, but when he asks, turn the tables on him. In a slightly irritated tone say "Look, you don't like him; you don't like hearing his name; you don't like that I even know him. He upsets you. Now, you're asking about him. I'm not willing to discuss him because it upsets you and because he's irrelevant to us, and 'us' is all I care about. He's a non-issue. Oh, did you hear about the new Honda they're introducing next year?"

If you persist and stand firm, he'll get the hint once he knows he can't manipulate you into a pouty guilt-ridden argument.

Wow, that's a great advice. I had NEVER thought about it.

Man but it's gonna be hard to be firm about it, I'm sure he will keep insisting and he'll get on my nerves and I'll end up yelling at him.

Btw, I just go home after seeing him. We started talking about it and I said he needed to trust me...blah blah...he said how would I feel if he was texting someone that liked him blah blah...We yelled at each other,then remained quite for about 20 minutes and then started talking about something else.

Not talking about him at all is the only way to handle it, definitively.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Hey guys, I got another question.

Does watching porn count as cheating?

Here's the deal, about 3 months into our relationship, my bf had this idea that we shouldn't watch porn or jerk off by ourselves and just enjoy things together. I didn't care that much about it back then so I said "sure".

Within time, I got used to the fact that he supposedly didn't watch porn or jerk off so at times when I found some suspicious things in his computer I got really mad and called him a liar. He said he never did anything and it was all a coincidence blah blah. Whatever, to this day I doubt sometimes but I try no to think about it.

The deal is I do watch porn, not all the time mind you, but there's some days when I really want to do it; by myself. I don't know, I've never enjoyed watching porn with other people I just think it wouldn't be the same. So I do it every once in a while, never actually masturbate to it but I just look at it and get really distracted.

Some other times I just feel like masturbating just because. So I do it. Of course, I don't tell my bf any of this; that would make him mad, unhappy and wary for something that it's not such a big deal and that in some way makes me happy you know?

I have as well thought that sometimes he might do the same and it doesn't really bother me to think about that, I feel like he needs his privacy and space you know? As long as I don't find any real proove of it in his computer (for some reason actually seeing it hurts), I'm fine thinking he does it.

I know you guys might be reading this and saying "jeez how stupid is this boy and his relationship" cuz I know this ain't such a big deal, but that's how our relationship is, we don't actually worry about huge things like me making out with someone else or him doing the same cuz we trust each other but it's little things like this one that bothers us (or the one with my friend), especially him.

So yeah, back on topic, the thing is sometimes I feel bad I'm kinda lying to him and hiding him these things... Some other small part of me tells me I need my space, I need to do this and there's nothing wrong with it. I just don't need to tell him everything especially something that doesn't harm our relationship but makes me happy.

Before you ask about my sex life with him, I guess it's fine. We have sex every 3 days most of times. There's some other times when we do it once a week. So everything is fine in that front, it's not like I'm horny and need to do something about it so I watch porn; no, I genuinely feel like I just want to watch porn just because, so I do it.

Thoughts?

 

[racer2438]

to much drama, life to short, you need to dicide who you want most and give 100% into that relataionship. Jealous, insecurity,no trust with in disater. One of you needs to move on.

there is some much in life to do and see, that this is going to end no where. The writing is on the wall.

 

[drhladnjak]

There really is too much drama in these relationships. Maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend, some new friends and a new fag hag--all of whom are more easy going and less drama causing.

Does watching porn count as cheating?

Here's the deal, about 3 months into our relationship, my bf had this idea that we shouldn't watch porn or jerk off by ourselves and just enjoy things together.

No, watching porn doesn't count as cheating. I suppose in this case it does count as breaking a promise you made to your boyfriend though. However, setting down a rule like that is virtually guaranteed to fail for the overwhelming majority of gay men. Most guys like porn and watching it doesn't mean there's something wrong with their boyfriend (or wife or girlfriend).

He has unrealistic expectations of what exclusivity means and may be setting you up to fail as a means of controlling you through guilt.

 

[Eagle653]

Hey guys, I got another question.

Does watching porn count as cheating?

OMG, I hope not! LOL

 

[innocentbychoice]

Guys thank you for your answers. I know this isn't the most fun thread but it feels really good to write what I feel here and to have objective people answering me.

There really is too much drama in these relationships. Maybe it's time to find a new boyfriend, some new friends and a new fag hag--all of whom are more easy going and less drama causing.

Sometimes I do feel there's too much drama with my boyfriend, yesterday we had yet another argument. This is what happened...

I was at some friend's house with my bf and I told my friend I really wanted to go to the pool and to tell his dad to let us go to the country club to do so. MY bf was there listening to the whole thing and I said I wanted to go today or tomorrow. It's obvious you go to the pool in the early hours so at some point he was like: "What time are you going?" and I said "I suppose in the morning, I don't know" and he answered "So what about me?" and his question really surprised me so my face was like "WTF do I say?" and he noticed and got angry and said I never think about him blah blah...I told him he was listening what I said the whole time and that it's not that I didn't think about him but that I knew he couldn't go because he's working and he got mad because, in his words, he always asks me to go to the pool and I never want to but then yesterday I'm making those same plans I don't want to do with him with my friends. I said that even though lots of times I've said to him that I don't want to do that because that's not like the #1 plan on my list, yesterday I just felt like it and told my friends IN FRONT HIM. He told me he was getting bored of the relationship etc.

You know what? I know this isn't gonna last forever! I know is going to end anytime soon. I just hope I don't regret it...I see guys everywhere, on the net, here in my hometown, complaining about how they can't get a date and how every guy out there is a player. I just hope that doesn't happen to me. This guy is my first bf and he's a nice guy above all, so I hope I don't feel like I let go of something good after I'm not with him anymore.

He has unrealistic expectations of what exclusivity means and may be setting you up to fail as a means of controlling you through guilt.

I don't think he wants to control me through guilt, he's just so jealous he can't stand the fact of me lusting over a guy in a porn video.

So you didn't answer my question, SHOULD I FEEL BAD for doing that? I certainly do feel bad sometimes.

 

[drhladnjak]

Personally, I don't think you should feel bad. You can't help but feel hot for guys you find attractive. It's not like you're dating them on the side or sleeping with them or even just talking to them--they're just porn fantasies.

If he can't deal with that, I wonder if he can deal with you having attractive (or really any sort of) friends. Far too often jealous guys try to control their boyfriends' lives directly (by explicitly telling them what they can or can't do) or indirectly (by guilting them for doing something largely irrelevant to the heath of their relationship). I'm not saying that's necessarily what's happening with you, but you need to be aware of the potential for that happening.

If you know this isn't going to last forever, there's no time like the present to move on with your life. With anybody you're seriously dating, there should be at least the potential of many, many years together. Once you know it's not going to last, continuing on just will make things harder for the both of you.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Hey drhladnjak!

Thank you for your time and your advice.

 

[rareboy]

Here's a thought. You're both wrong.

If you're arguing all the time, time to either start behaving like adults or stop seeing one another. I think the two of you together may be a toxic combo.

 

[mac_twck]

Why do you want to spend all your free time defending yourself?

Are you not intitled to have friends?

Life is hard enough. Find someone who makes you feel good about yourself and him. You deserve it. You do. Now go......and find the one who will actually love you for you.
Mac

 

[operafan]

So you didn't answer my question, SHOULD I FEEL BAD for doing that? I certainly do feel bad sometimes.

I don't understand why you would feel bad for watching porn. It's fantasy. It's not as thought you're going to get one of those 12" dicks to come and fuck you at will. It it were so, it would have happened for me a long time ago.