Help Asap- Is My Boyfriend Bi/gay?

[Caramelslice]

Hello ladies and gents. I was hoping that some of you would be able to give me some insight into my situation.

I met my BF last year online. We both live in London and have now been together for a year. This is a long story so I am going to put it all in bullet points.

WHY I THINK HE IS BI/GAY

when I met him he said that a lot of gay men hit on him
for the 1st 6 months he was only interested in anal sex until I told him that regular sex was no longer the norm but anal sex was and how I was not prepared to keep doing this constantly. (He also takes ages to come and quite often I would have to give him BJ to finish off) he responded by saying that when he is drunk he can't feel anything so anal sex is better for him. He also claims that he has only tried it with an ex GF once but it went wrong. I don't believe this as he knows exactly what he is doing- rimming etc...Since then we only practise anal sex once in a while. Also at during the 1st 3 months we would only have sex spoons or doggy due to him saying he had a should injury.
He works with this very unattractive gay guy who seems to have no friends apart from my BF. they are VERY tactile with one another even when I am around. My bf told me that there are rumours at work that people think they are having an affair. the gay guy whenever we meet for drinks has always been nice to me but I just have this feeling that something is going on between them. When I 1st started dating him and went to his house I checked the condoms under his bed- counted them. A few weeks later there was a used ripped condom under the bed and others missing. there was also a wrapper in the bin. When I confronted him 1st he said it must be old and then he said he must have used it to masturbate- what is it? Also once I just turned up at his house the morning after he went to a party. there were cigarettes and weed in his front room. he only smokes regular roll ups. He claimed that a woman on a bike dropped them. I said I didn't believe him and then he admitted that he slept in a female friends house with others but did not know how to tell me. He claims that he has not slept with anyone. I asked him if he was bi/gay if he had ever been sexually involved with a man he said no never. He wasn't angry, didn't kick off or anything. For his birthday I arranged a surprise party. i invited his family and friends. His gay friend that he works with was the only one to ignore my phone calls and text messages. he did turn up at the do but was very subdued which is very strange as he normally very loud. Also him and his BF were not really talking and they were not touchy feely as usual. Is this because my BF's family was there. the next week everyone accept the gay friend sent me a text to say thank you. I was proper pissed at that cause when his gay friend had his birthday I got him some pressies so I thought that it was sooo blatantly rude of him to have treated me like that when he knew that I was planning a surprise party and he did not bother to confirm with me his attendance or anyone else's that my bf works with.

On my birthday my BF took me out to dinner to a posh restaurant. On the table sitting next to us were 2 very rich attractive men. One was loud and rude and RACIST so I had to tell him off. The business partner apologised and offered to buy us a bottle of pink champagne. After that every time we went out for a smoke this guy would follow us and strike up conversation. From the body language I could see that he fancied my man and from my BF's body language he wasn't saying no. I said to my BF that man fancies you and he said yes I know. A few days later I asked him how did he know the guy fancied him he said again he can't remember he was drunk. Men on the DL do recognise one another at least thats what i think, its in the eyes!!! We then went to the table to continue the meal and he just stopped eating but his head in his hands and said,"I AM SO CONFUSED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO". When I asked him continously what he meant he said nothing nothing. The morning after he claimed he was drunk and can't remember. When I went to the ladies and came out they were both at the bar standing very close and jumped apart when they realised I was there. You know when you feel that you have intruded on something. I asked my man if he took the guys number he said no. The guys name is ANDREW. (Relevant later) A few months later, I looked at his call list and he had called a guy stored in his phone as ANDREW NEW. When I looked a few days later the stored number had been deleted. Months after my B-day he just came out with- I have been thinking everyday about how did I know that guy fancied me and its been bothering me. I could tell from his body language.

My BF also asked me if I knew what felching is? Isn't that a very gay practise?

He mainly gets a hard on if he fingers my ass. He drinks excessive amounts of alcohol as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I don't know why, he has a good job, seems to love it, a very supportive family and his own house, no debts that I know of.

We got into a discussion with a cabbie once who said that he doesn't mind gay guys but he hates it when they hit on him. My BF got very upset at this and I said what are you so upset about as it doesn't concern you. On the other hand when we talked about the KKK clan he said he didnt care as it doesn't concern him even though I am black.

Apart from all of the above he is very affectionate with me, he flirts with women and he has checked out a few women in front of me where I have had to tell him off. he licks and sucks my pussy long and hard. he says that he loves me and wants to get married etc...

I am very confused.

To all of you have have some kind of experience what do you think?

 

[Caeth]

i think you have enough evidence to convict

 

[backpacker]

Liking anal sex doesn't make a guy gay. In fact, many gay guys don't like anal sex. He may just have a fetish for anal sex.

Your bf seems to like getting attention, no matter where it comes from. That doesn't make him gay.

Nothing you said makes me believe he's gay. The best way to find out is to ask him.

 

[G-Lexington]

Evidence is circumstantial, but, as said above, I think it's enough to convict.

I'd say have a talk with him. It'll probably mean ending your (sexual) relationship, but it may be saving his life. I have a feeling once he's out of the closet, the drinking will abate.

...have him swing by here if he's got any questions. We're open 24/7.

Lex

 

[Caeth]

well let's say at least enough to go to court....the thing is you have to confront these issues somehow and don't let go. if he says "omg I'm so confused", don't ignore it- ask him about it and be persistent.

present the facts to him just as you did to us....and in my opinion he'd need some hell of a good alibi to get out of this one

 

[josher]

When he's fucking you in the ass (and therefore can't see your face,) I suspect it's a male face he's seeing in his mind.

I doubt asking him about it will do any good. He's not going to admit that it's true.

If he's is gay, he trying his best to deny it.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Liking anal sex doesn't make a guy gay.

True enough. But only being able to have sex while drunk, and then insisting on anal sex when drunk?

Lex

 

[Soilwork]

Unless he asks you to fuck him in the ass, I'm gonna say he's just an attention whore.

 

[Soilwork]

Oh wait... dating a strong black woman?

Gets hard at asses?

knows what felching is?




yup, your BF is a disco dancing, flower sniffing, color coordinating friend of dorothy.

 

[swerve]

Caremelslice -- WELCOME to JUB!!!

The ONLY thing in your post that makes ME think he MIGHT be gay...

Is...

That YOU THINK he might be gay...

The INTUITION thing holds WAY MORE weight than any of your "examples"...

Best of luck to BOTH of you...

 

[ELAINE]

He does sound very curious and like he's fighting and struggling with it. He may be feeling so many things right now, like not wanting to hurt you, fear of disappointing people he cares about, struggling with what he may have been tought was right or wrong when he was younger, having to feel like he has to hold back from something he really wants. You both are feeling a bunch of emotions and are both confused and worried about a change that may be taking place. Try to be as understanding as possible and be a friend. That sounds like all you can really do at this point, but being a friend is really the best thing you can be for each other.

 

[thewiz]

I would agree that you probably have enough evidence to convict. I would suspect his drinking is a way of hiding or an attempt at hiding/masking his guilt. His infatuation with anal sex is probably the biggest indicator. I would suspect that he uses this position because it allows him to fantasize that he is doing what he really desires. I know that had my ex-wife ever allowed me to do it doggy or anal...it may have at least allowed sex for some additional years. However, she only liked it vaginally and, quite honestly, it really stopped appealing to me.

I am guessing that he is afraid to admit who and what he is. It is not uncommon; I can vouch that I was the same way. I would also say that he probably has a good, working gaydar that allows him to acknowledge other gays (some guys have it, some don't and mine doesn't work 100% of the time but is pretty good).

 

[Corny]

Hi Caramelslice, I merged your two threads into this one here where it fits best.

 

[D-Base]

Caramelslice, welcome to JUB

About your situation, here are my thoughts:

-He likes butt sex - doesn't make him gay
-He drinks a lot - doesn't make him gay
-He doesn't mind being hitted on by guys - kinda suspicions, most straight guys are afraid of being hitted on by gays.
-He uses condoms while you are away - he probably cheats on you (I can't take the excuse of masturbating with a condom on seriously), if i was on your place in this situation I'd be suspicions too.
-He stored this guy's number - very suspicious.

By what you've posted I'd say you have the right to be suspicious. And since you gals have that special woman's intuition which in 99% o the cases is true, I'd say you probably are right, he might be bi.

What you can do?

1. Ask him, tell him that if he is bi it's ok to tell you and that you'll understand.
2. Put some gay porn by accident in your porn nights (if you have any, I know many couples do) and see his reaction. gets hard -> deffo not str8.. .
3. I see you already invaded his privacy once by checking his phone, in a way, the damage is done, but girl, you should've went for the laptop first. believe me, if he has any secrets, they are there

Good luck

 

[Caramelslice]

THANK YOU SO MUCH ALL OF YOU for the advise and your warm welcome. So many things that you have written are exactly the thoughts that have run through my mind. Both the pro's and the cons.

Last night I could no longer keep the last year to myself so as I have a real good relationship with his sister I called her and voiced my concerns. She offered to drive to London that very same evening after work to discuss this with me. She was not shocked at anything that I said and never voiced that she doubted anything. She said that from what I have told her she can understand why I am in a state of confusion. I did not hold a thing back so she knows about the constant anal sex during the 1st months of our relationship. As she has worked with loads of addicts she is familiar with the affects it can have sexually. Loss of sensation. When used to having sex under the influence constantly you are no longer able to perform under normal circumstances.

From speaking to her several things have become clear to me-

The drinking has been a long term issue, one that his family are very concerned about. Initially the issue was about his drug use which separated him from his family (for the last 2 years they have rebuilt the connect between them). His sister things that in cutting back on his drug addiction he has now replaced this with alcohol. He has often said to me that he has low self esteem, cares about what people think of him, and he needs alcohol in order to interact with others in a social setting. For the person who said that he craves attention irrespective of where he gets it from- men or women- YOU ARE SO RIGHT. As his father was very sick with a degenerative illness (wheel chair bound) his mother was his primary carer. His older brother took over as head of the house and my BF has always resented this. He feels that he was treating different to his siblings and that while they have done everything correctly (marriage/children etc) he is the failure. Its always him where people say drugs, no surprise coming from him. All this has had a serious effect on him where he doesn't value himself and does not feel worthy.

There was an incident where a really sexy girl was flirting with him in my presence and he was reciprocating despite me being there. (Trust me, I am not saying it for the hell of it- I AM HOT, I have done TV commercial's, I get offered to be in music video's all the time- 50/ Luda/ I even got interest for a record deal several times even though i can't sing all based on how I look + I am 35 and I still get mistaken for 23 ALL the time even younger when shops refuse to sell me cigs) When I tackled him about it he said that he did it to feel GOOD. So this brings me back to the fact that he craves attention, affection in order to raise his self esteem.

So I am still certain that he has had encounters with men but I think the bottom line is that it doesn't matter who it is.

He is getting back from holiday today so when the time is right 4 both of us and if he mentions us living together again I am going to explain to him that I believe he has deep rooted issues and the ONLY way I am willing to take the risk for our love and stay with him is if he is willing to go to rehab and to an intense counselling sessions. That way he can look at himself sober and really work towards loving himself, accepting himself and have a clear view on what he wants in life.

Most of all he needs to forgive himself and his family and stop holding on.

I am also scared that am I making excuses for him.

What if he is gay and he is using the drink to run from the issue.

Do you get me guys? I don't want to be a woman who makes excuses to enable and justify staying in a situation that isn't good or healthy for me.

I shall keep you updated. You may all be strangers but i feel so much better having been able to get my thoughts and feelings off my cute chest!

 

[Lube]

Caramelslice, it is good that you care enough to get him to go to counseling sessions. He obviously needs help. You are a kind and generous person.

However, long term I think the prognosis is that he is gay, and that he will remain (only) a friend to you, not a lover.

 

[thewiz]

Caramelslice: You are doing him more favors than he may be able or willing to understand.

He is obviously using the alcohol as a mask to hide himself from issues. It sounds like there are multiple issues that only an intense counseling and help therapist will be able to tackle.

Do not be surprised if one of the last masks off is his sexuality; it could be why he has added all the other masks or it could be just a part of the problem.

No matter what, if he succeeds in looking at his life sober, it will be through clear eyes with which he decides the future.

 

[Eagle653]

He is getting back from holiday today so when the time is right 4 both of us and if he mentions us living together again I am going to explain to him that I believe he has deep rooted issues and the ONLY way I am willing to take the risk for our love and stay with him is if he is willing to go to rehab and to an intense counselling sessions. That way he can look at himself sober and really work towards loving himself, accepting himself and have a clear view on what he wants in life.

This is exactly what I was hoping you'd say. It's the only sensible thing to do. And, if the therapy in rehab is successful, the underlying issues motivating the heavy drinking will come out.

As to the pressing question of whether he's gay, who knows? He's giving mixed messages galore, which could be nothing, could be a coincidence, or could be an elaborate way to throw you off the scent of the hunt.

What I *do* know, though, is that your instincts give you pause, and you have doubts. That's what's important. Until you get some peace of mind about this, I'd keep this relationship from progressing.

Good luck! Let us know what you do and what happens.

 

[Elwood]

I know when I was in deep denial and married to a women and had kids, my escape was smoking pot. So I think there might be something to his abuse of substances. Is it the fact that he is gay?? I do not have the answers, however I think the best thing is get him into therapy and let him figure it out. Therapy is where I managed to finally realize that I was gay. I wish you all the luck in the futur. Keep us updated.

 

[skroobal]

at the point you find that you have to go on an internet message board and ask this kind of question is the point where you realize that this is not working out and need to drop this scrub.