Help - Confusion

[mfinich]

Okay I hope this makes sense it doesn’t in my head so I’m just going to post it see what happens and just get it all out.

I’m debating whether I’m Gay. All my life I’ve been called gay in the play ground but now I am older I just get a lot of questing when it comes to my sexuality. I know this is due to my mannerisms and probably my personality.

I have had relationships with girls and to be honest I do like them get excited and I have had sex numerous times however it just doesn’t feel as intense.

I have hooked up with ONE lad before we grew up together were like brothers (not related I stress). And we use to hook up now and again but it was the build up to sex that was the turn on and usually I wouldn’t enjoy it and it would be rubbish or uncomfortable.

Also when we kissed I didn’t like it.

Yet those two factors could just be dependent on the person right?
I have a gay friend and I find it fine when he is around other men but I couldn’t tell him this as he isn’t known for his tight lips. Yet when I picture myself with men It makes me sometimes feel uncomfortable and other times not at all. Also I look at them and think there quite nice looking but when they speak it makes me cringe.

I often check out guys but some days im checking out girls.

I watch Gay porn and I do straight and I masturbate to both boys and girls, but lately mostly men and the major crushes I’ve had in the past two years has been on Men. I often seem to get gay people hitting on me but never girls.

I just feel like all of a sudden I have woke up and seen myself how every else has seen but am I gay? I cant stand really camp men or men who talk/dress girly. Is this because i might talk like this way and therefore it scares me and by putting up this barrier of digust to protect myself?

Its stupid I have a great family if I told them they would be fine, my friends would be too I could literally walk down stairs tomorrow and be like mum im gay dad im gay

Them: okay thanks for letting us know have u meet anyone?

Me: No

Them: Okay,.....are you cooking tea tonight

Thing is Im 20 and I dont want to waste my life in denial but what if im not in denial and just simply confused? An also I hate that alot of people predict that I was gay in high school and some people have said in a few years he will be out because it would prove them right which would annoy me that they knew something about myself that I did not?

By being gay my life wouldn’t change I would still be in education still have a kick ass family and friends but what I am asking is, how do you know if your in denial? How do you know if your gay?

I dont want to waste time I just want this Confusion that has lasted for years to be over so I can finally accept if I am gay or not and move on because lately it has been depressing me and I feel im on a path of self-destruction if I dont figure it out soon. I have stopped eating as much with lack of appetite, I have been drinking alot more.

I just need some peoples advice and maybe experience if anyone else has been like this. ....

(An please I dont want to hear Bisex as I have one of them personalities where it is one or the other )

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. I'm sorry that you have been going through this period of confusion. There's no simple solution as you know. You seem to want an answer so as to get on with life. This is important self-discovery, which is why you haven't want to accept classmates definitions of who you are. I think the best option for you would be to find a good therapist to explore thes issues. My concern for you has to with your need to have a quick revelation. Please try to give yourself all the time you need. Right now you are confused. I think it's ok to admit that. Keep exploring. Contray to stereotypes there all all kinds of both straight and gay men. You probably will never fit all of them. Good luck to you and keep posting.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB! You have a bunch of intertwining questions and problems, so I'll just address them as I think of them.

None of us got our sexual identity card in the mail. We all had to figure it out. For some, it was simple. "Guys make me horny, girls don't, I'm gay." For others, it isn't that simple. Maybe not many guys made them horny, or maybe they tried dating girls and found they liked it OK, and even enjoyed the sexual stuff with them somewhat. So don't freak that you don't have your answer yet.

Just from what you've posted, I'd say there's a decent chance you're gay. Or bi. And yes, you might be bisexual. Bisexuals aren't indecisive or refusing to commit. They ARE "one thing or another" - it just happens that that "thing" is bisexual.

I do see plenty of undercurrents of mild homophobia in your post. But you seem to be at least somewhat aware of it, which is a plus. Many questioning guys (and those in the closet) tend to look with some disdain on other gays, especially the effeminate ones. And there's a host of (interconnected) reasons. You might fear that by coming out, you'll "become like that". You might find it frustrating that "I'm attracted to men, but all these gay guys are acting like GIRLS!" You might put up a bit of a divide between you and them, thinking "I can't be gay, because I don't act/talk like that". You might put blame on them for homophobia across the board, thinking "If they didn't act like that, the rest of the world wouldn't hate gays". You might even be a bit jealous of the fact that they're aware of their sexuality and are totally comfortable with it.

The key thing to remember about femmy guys is this - they make "act gay", but their gayness is no act. That's how they ARE. They act like that for the same reason that you act like you. That's how they're wired, and rather than trying to force their voices down an octave and pretend to love sports rather than fashion, they've said "fuck it" and chosen to live by their programming. And that's actually a wonderful thing. You might not have much in common with them, and you might not be attracted to them, but the fact that they're living by the "I am what I am" credo is something to be celebrated, in my book.

You say you've had sex with both. Girls are OK but "not very intense", but your one male sex partner had some issues, too. You liked the build-up, but not the sex. I'm guessing here, but perhaps that's the homophobia coming into play? When we get horny, we tend to override some of our self-imposed barriers and just let things ride. Could it be you enjoyed the buildup, but the sex wasn't great because it "made it official" that you were gay? Or perhaps you simply were too nervous, or maybe neither of you wasn't that good at it?

The answer "what am I?" isn't going to come to you tomorrow, or this week. It'll be an ongoing thing. What I'd suggest is just trying it on for size. You think perhaps you're gay. Fine - be gay for awhile, and see how it goes. You don't have to come out to anybody, or go on dates, or anything for the time being. Just assume you're gay, try checking out some more guys perhaps, and see how it feels.

I'd also suggest expanding your social circle a bit. Get to know a few more gay people. Hang out here, read some more, chat with us. As you get to know us, it'll become clearer that being gay means simply that you dig guys. That's it. Everything else is optional. Yeah, we've got more actors and drama queens and high-pitched guys and fashion fans and femmy guys than the other team. But that doesn't mean it's an either/or proposition. There's plenty of quiet guys and nerds and low-pitched guys and sports fans and masculine guys on this side of the fence, too.

Lex

 

[spencer]

maybe you're not anything. maybe you're you. make up a new sexual preference: yours. the great thing about it is you can't get it wrong.

find the right person and be with him or her.

 

[LonelyFace]

(An please I dont want to hear Bisex as I have one of them personalities where it is one or the other )

Damn. I was gonna say, "oh, you sound just like ME! Congrats! You're bisexual, and that's okay! "

BUT NOW I have to think of something different to say.... How's this:

If you don't stop drinking and start eating, I'm gonna find you and tie you to a chair while I force-feed you a cheeseburger and fries. Then you'll drink water and I'll send you to an American Rehab facility.

 

[hotb0d]

you're 20, there really is no rush for anything. Just focus on other things in life like work, school, friends, family, etc...If one day you like to check out girls, then you check them out. If another day a guy peaks your interest then so be it. You don't need to label yourself and don't let other people do it for you.

It's not the question of which gender you're physically attracted to but WHO you will want to form an emotional relationship.

 

[tigahben]

Ditto the post above- finding people attractive is finding them attractive, not their sex or their sexuality. Why should it matter (to you) whether it's a guy or a girl you're crushing on at any one time

as for 'guys who act like girls', while they might be the most visible gays, they certainly aren't all. Chances are that cute guy you checked out while crossing the street today likes guys, you never know.

Try and find someone you like. Maybe the sex with girls wasn't great because you didn't know them so well or weren't so into them personally rather than as a sex at large. Maybe your sex with that guy wasn't great cos he wasn't the guy for you, maybe you didn't get much out of kissing him cos you didn't have a spark with him.

People are more mportant sometimes when it comes to sexuality than labels are, and that includes yourself.

 

[Lube]

mfinish, I gotta break it to you.

Based on your post, I'm 100% convinced that you're gay. And that's a good thing!

You sound like you were afraid of it; afraid of living up to people's expectations that you would be gay.

But now you're finally starting to accept it. You're not all the way there, but you're working on it, and you're getting closer.

Print and save Lex's post. Re-read it every month or so.

Stay here and read posts (and watch porn, if you like ). Notice how some gay guys are like you, and some aren't. Some are sorta like you and sorta not. We are all different, and yet we are all somehow similar, too.

Don't worry about stereotypes. Did you hear about that rugby player who just came out?

Be who you are. Don't try to act any certain way. Don't worry about femmy or straight-acting or whatever. Be you-acting. Love yourself.

 

[rareboy]

You are in denial.

You express disgust at many aspects of homosexuality, but yet acknowledge that sexually, you're more wired for guys.

Sit down with a gay friendly counsellor and talk about this.

Otherwise you are going to have a wasted and unhappy life.