Help! I'm struggling to find meaning in life..

[geishagaysha]

Hey guys,

This is a bit of a long message, but I really need your help. I really do believe there is a way to life, but I'm currently sick and tired of suffering, and am planning to take my life sometime next week when I am alone. This forum is my last ditching effort to seek help, after seeking it from friends, family and counselling.

I am of Sri Lankan origin and come from a semi-conservative family. I knew that I had gay tendencies from a young age, but I also felt attracted to girls. I was always the quiet, non-social kid all the way through primary to high school, although I did open up towards the end. I was bullied a couple of times when in school, and through middle and high school my friends always seemed to have a problem or two with me. There was always one kid in my group who would decide they didn't like me, and would instead spend time trying to turn the group away from me. This continued on throughout even to high school. I never really knew how to fight it off, because I myself struggled with any form of self worth. I've never really been into sports, or anything at all, and I struggled to create romantic relationships. I forced myself to seek girls and everytime I would create a relationship, I would feel completely empty inside. Growing up in various countries in Asia, everyone was homophobic, and I kept on taking a back seat everywhere because I was scared people would find out about the real me.

I went through a phase of depression towards the end of school which disabled me from performing well, and I felt very much alone. I thought I would change all this when I got to university in Australia, and started off well. I was doing extremely well in my grades, I felt invincible. I didn't make many friends but as soon as I did, the same thing happened. People would continuously use me and then dump me. In my second year, I moved away from my old group, and met this really nice and beautiful girl, and become really close with this one guy. The guy and I would hang out all the time, and we formed a really close emotional bond, while the girl and I increasingly spent time together. I wanted to take things further with the girl just because I felt it was right, but I started to grow overly-attached to the guy. The guy to this day I'm sure was completely straight and when he realized that we were becoming really attached, decided to cut the friendship with me. At the same time, the girl was swooped in by some other jock, and they began to go out.

I was lost again having to balance a job, study and feeling of utter worthlessness. I would spend most of my time in bed because I did not have the stamina to do much else when I wasn't working and my grades began to suffer. The Residential Advisor, who is basically a student advisor and form of pastoral care for our floor in our residential college started taking an interest in me as I started talking to him from time to time. We ultimately got really close, and he was there for me. I don't know when but at some point, we began to fall for each other, and this caused a lot of problems for him because I was a pastoral care issue that he had to take care of and it conflicted with his job. However, one day before the holidays we ended up hooking up and I had my first proper sexual experience with a guy. I had never ever had anything more gratifying and it terrified me, while also making me jump over the moon. As uni continued on, I tried to get better and he was there for me, but there was a lot of stress because the brunt of my sexuality was weighing down on me and we were hooking up in secret because everyone thought he was straight.

I didn't really know how to express anything to any other friends I had, and it put me in a deeper and darker place. I ended up attempting to take my life last October, and unfortunately I survived. Things started to get better then, with me getting into a proper relationship with the guy. However, I still struggled with depression and kept on slipping here and there. This February, the senior management at my college caught wind of my situation after a couple of crises and sent me back to Sri Lanka to take 6 months off uni. This only made things worse for me because I did not have the only support network (my boyfriend) with me and to make things worse, long distance got so difficult because he was struggling with a lot of difficult issues and I was all alone and only looking to him as a form of support. We ended up breaking up, and I don't know how I survived past that. I came back to uni in July, and things were weird between us, with us still hooking up, but him saying that he didn't love me anymore but that he still wanting to be my friend and supporting me. I understand now that being my boyfriend would have been too stressful to him, seeing me self-harm, etc.

We continued having small issues, until they erupted end of October and we took a month apart from each other. During the time I was away in Sri Lanka, many people had found out about us, so many of his friends stepped in and tried to keep the both of us apart. He said he wanted space from me. The past two months have been alright. I've been seeking help and trying to get better so I can show him I can be better. However, he is moving away to another city next month, and that will be most probably the last time I will get to spend with him. He says that I mean a lot to him, and after he gets his space that we can be friends, close ones even. However, I'm struggling to spend any time away from him because I feel he's the only one who knows me well, and I just feel that he's just another person who has abandoned me.

I have tried hooking up with other guys and girls since we broke up (I know he has been actively getting it on with a whole load of people) but I just don't get turned on anymore. I end up finishing them off, but I barely even get hard. The only time I can jack off is when I think of him. I'm so so sexually frustrated, and feel so alone. I'm scared to reach out to anyone else because I feel like they will leave me. When I'm amongst other people, I feel like I'm the odd one out, i don't know why I just do. I have also struggled with my penis size, which in general is 5 inches, and only at rare times increases up to 5.5. My body never really looked good. Thus, I am shy to go out too much and meet others. My boyfriend used to always tease me about it, and although I was fine with it when we were together, I feel really low about myself when I look at myself now.

I don't have any talent, any social skills, any looks, any sexiness. I'm a big fucking loser who is trying to find purpose in life. I don't want to tell my parents about myself because they are so homophobic. I can't even hook up with anyone because I don't find anyone attractive. My body is telling me to take my own life, but something small always stops me, knowing the finality of it all.

I know that I'm the only one who can help myself, but currently I can't.

I hope and pray someone on here and tell me something.. this is the last place where I'm giving myself a chance.

Much love.

 

[seven2go]

No you AREN'T the only one......and stop that suicide shit talk right now young man!.......

 

[geishagaysha]

Sorry I've tried living with myself for the past five years and I just can't push anymore. I tried the whole keeping busy thing for the past few months but I'm getting so tired of it.. Been in bed the whole of today, thank fuck it's the holidays.. Suicide is all I can currently think of to escape myself.. I hate myself. I can't even get anyone to love me

 

[vidarr]

Glad you decided to reach out here. There's alot of good advice you can find on these forums.

Sometimes even the small online friendships can be enough to keep you going.
It's all about creating things in life that you wouldn't want to lose.. I think not really keeping busy as you say.
Oh and stay away from thinking in absolutes. I've experienced a small bit of depression and suicidal thoughts and I've learned to catch myself every time I started thinking something was "always" or "never" going to happen.

 

[Seasoned]

Besides your writing of suicide what grabbed me in your post was your close. "Much love," tells me there's hope.

I identify with a lot of what you wrote in regards to isolation. Growing up an introvert and gay in a homophobic environment is a bitch of a prison. I remember crying privately during much of my adolescence and wishing many nights that I wouldn't wake up. As a parent I know the pain of a 2 am phone calling alerting me that my daughter had attempted suicide and me subsequently having to drive 5 hours through tears to get to her. There are two things in life that I'd like to wave a magic wand to erase, homophobia and depression.

Those two things are your enemies and not any of the self-assessment elements you have laid out. Introversion, lethargy and isolation have contributed to you seeking one or two friends at a time and an over reliance on them. It was important that you did that because it shows that you have social needs and skills. They may not be where you would like them to be but nonetheless they are there like seedlings and saplings waiting to grow. You've also experienced sex, which is a great gift and another sign of hope.

You need help. Look at this Australian site, http://suicidepreventionaust.org/help/feeling-suicidal/ and also look at this pertaining to Sri Lanka, http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/sri-lanka-suicide-hotlines.html. You have an international family wanting you alive. Please take immediate steps to get help.

I'm asking, begging if I must, for you to check in daily, even if its just a hello, on this thread or with a JUB member privately, just to remind yourself that you are not alone. It can get better, much better. It's not magic, but it's more than just likely.

Please take a step today.

Much love.

 

[Rolyo85]

I stand behind everything Seasoned said. I refuse to believe you don't have "any talent, any social skills, any looks, any sexiness". In fact, I'm sure it's quite the opposite, and that your depression has been holding you back. I did not get from your post if you have ever sought professional help for it. I believe you should, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Everyone has something they can love about themselves. Everyone. No exception. And if you can't see it, you just aren't looking hard enough, or in the right places. And once YOU find something to love about yourself, other people will follow. But the key to happiness is to build it for yourself. Happiness - your happiness - is NEVER within other people. They can enhance it, or diminish it, but they can't create it and they can never take it away.

Don't think about taking your own life. Think about CHANGING it instead. Do not give in to sweeping depressed thoughts, and instead focus on what it is EXACTLY that makes you unhappy. On a very direct, specific, practical level. Is it social circumstances? Location? Depression? Any and all issues can be addressed and resolved, if you can only focus and isolate them.

I also urge you to check in here daily, and send me or Seasoned private messages if you'd like. Why don't we talk about your positive qualities and experiences for a bit?

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I don't have any talent, any social skills, any looks, any sexiness.

That never stopped Pauly from Jersey Shore.

 

[geishagaysha]

I don't know.. do you guys feel that sometimes if someone is really struggling and feel that suicide is the only way, they should at least give it a go??

It's so frustrating because I feel like a hypocrite. I would never allow anyone to take their lives, but when it comes to me, the force is so strong. I go through every day however hoping that someone or something will help me make purpose of my life, but I'm getting tired. I can wait forever, sure, but I currently don't want to do any work or go out at all. At some point I will have to pay for not being productive and living life, so that's why I feel like I should make a move on my life sometime soon.

 

[Rolyo85]

I don't know.. do you guys feel that sometimes if someone is really struggling and feel that suicide is the only way, they should at least give it a go??

No. This is not a new food, a different brand of clothing or deodorant to "give it a go". It is the absolute, ultimate end of EVERYTHING. It is not ok to even think about it. Suicide is NEVER an option. And if you are in a position to sit in front of a computer and type a post here, you already live a privileged life compared to the other 4/5ths of the world.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

I don't know.. do you guys feel that sometimes if someone is really struggling and feel that suicide is the only way, they should at least give it a go??

No, no and no.

 

[bdiddy4489]

I don't know.. do you guys feel that sometimes if someone is really struggling and feel that suicide is the only way, they should at least give it a go??

It's so frustrating because I feel like a hypocrite. I would never allow anyone to take their lives, but when it comes to me, the force is so strong. I go through every day however hoping that someone or something will help me make purpose of my life, but I'm getting tired. I can wait forever, sure, but I currently don't want to do any work or go out at all. At some point I will have to pay for not being productive and living life, so that's why I feel like I should make a move on my life sometime soon.

You are asking the wrong questions out of life! Others will tell you some cheesy answers about love, living in the moment or whatever but this is your issue...

You are waiting for something to come along to give your life meaning, something that will give you a reason to not kill yourself? When facing the world everyday with that outlook, you will tear yourself apart because everyday you will be expecting something to come along that will amaze you and give yourself meaning (and it may never come) and every night you will go to bed disappointed!

However, you need to assess your life and ask yourself what has or is coming that would give you a good reason to kill yourself? There is nothing so big, so terrible, so utterly evil that would give you a good reason... If you died and went to the other side, and met someone you knew and they said, "So what happened? Why did you kill yourself?" what possible reason could you give them that would make them say, "Oh, yeah that is a good reason! Good choice!"... there isn't... at least not from what you have told us! You have to give yourself perspective!

This thought helps me... Did you know that there have been over 107 Billion people to EVER live? Do you know how many mistakes that many people can make in that many lifetimes? Probably hundreds of trillions... There isn't anything you have done wrong, no homosexual thought that hasn't been thought, no relationship you have screwed up, that has not been done (or outdone) by someone else! Your so called messed up life weighs little to the entire human race, so why do you let it upset you?

 

[weinerslav]

I don't have any talent, any social skills, any looks, any sexiness. I'm a big fucking loser who is trying to find purpose in life.

You described basically a guy that I would probably fall for, the thing with guys like you is that they have all of those qualities, they just are not aware of them. I think that perfection is only beautiful in the beginning, after a while, it bores you... The faults are the things that you love to learn, that make people different, that define who you are. Maybe most guys don't think like that, but I believe a lot of them do.

I think people before me already told most of what someone can say, and it is in a topic like this that you see who is on the other side and how marvelous all of them are, and that have to give you some kind of hope for better days! The world can be a very cruel place, but you can't concentrate on that, there are also so many beautiful things worth living for! You just have to keep going and searching for who you are and what makes you happy, it's not easy but those who search always find something! Maybe those dark thoughts about yourself don't allow you to see clearly around you, be more open to what life gives you, and you will see things change!

 

[Just_Believe18]

Look at the life you've been born to. There are 7+ billion people in this world. Of that population, billions of them lack drinking water, consistent food, or adequate shelter over their heads. There are people who spend their whole days foraging for food in the worst of living conditions to sustain themselves and their families. There are billions of people who lack basic freedoms and liberties. They live their lives in constant fear of arrest, torture, and death. Look to the nations of China, Syria, Somalia, Russia, India, and see the suffering that is going on in those countries. However bad you think you have it, you don't. You won the lottery, geishagaysha. You're one of the few and fortunate in this world born into a society that provides you luxuries and comforts that billions do not have. You are a blessed and fortunate person with more opportunities than most people.

So what should you do with your life? Live to serve others. What drives me to love the job that I have is the people that I help. I make a difference in the lives of others beyond my own. For me, life is worth living to make it better for others. Think of the millions of people around you that need help right now, and the only reason they're not getting it is because no one has stepped up to give a damn about them.

You have so much to live for, geishagaya. Use this life to save others. If not for yourself, then for them.

 

[Telstra]

i don't know.. Do you guys feel that sometimes if someone is really struggling and feel that suicide is the only way, they should at least give it a go??

it's so frustrating because i feel like a hypocrite. I would never allow anyone to take their lives, but when it comes to me, the force is so strong. I go through every day however hoping that someone or something will help me make purpose of my life, but i'm getting tired. I can wait forever, sure, but i currently don't want to do any work or go out at all. At some point i will have to pay for not being productive and living life, so that's why i feel like i should make a move on my life sometime soon.

no ............

 

[geishagaysha]

I'm struggling to breathe through another one of my anxiety attacks. I'm currently back home in Sri Lanka and surrounded with such homophobia. I wanted to tell my parents about myself but backed out when something so shit happened yesterday. I was on facebook in the living room and my parents were watching "Shall we dance".. and my mom was like OMG that guys is dancing like a fag.. a FAG( or something of similar derogatory value in our mother tongue, Sinhala)!!!" And she was laughing and continued to make fun of him. I felt so shit, I got chest pains, etc. Also, I've been checking facebook regularly because I'm so bored here and barely know anyone and I keep seeing my ex putting up statuses and he seems so happy with life. I am so happy for him, but I feel a dying sensation because I miss him so much. But I want him to be happy.

I know I'm a coward. Even though I'm contemplating suicide I keep on pushing it back because I'm worried I wont do a foolproof plan and I will survive and humiliate myself. But I feel something screaming inside of me telling me to do it and I can't seem to drown it out anymore!!! People in the past have made and told me that I'm a waste, that they are tired of putting effort into me, and it doesnt help that my brain says it every day too. A part of me does have some sort of hope and its struggling to hold on, that's why I'm writing on here I guess

 

[Telstra]

I've heard a gay professor living in India.
He had lots of gay sex with his students and he is happy.

The moral of the story is,
study hard, make your own money and be independent and live happily ever after.

 

[Rolyo85]

I'm struggling to breathe through another one of my anxiety attacks. I'm currently back home in Sri Lanka and surrounded with such homophobia. I wanted to tell my parents about myself but backed out when something so shit happened yesterday. I was on facebook in the living room and my parents were watching "Shall we dance".. and my mom was like OMG that guys is dancing like a fag.. a FAG( or something of similar derogatory value in our mother tongue, Sinhala)!!!" And she was laughing and continued to make fun of him. I felt so shit, I got chest pains, etc. Also, I've been checking facebook regularly because I'm so bored here and barely know anyone and I keep seeing my ex putting up statuses and he seems so happy with life. I am so happy for him, but I feel a dying sensation because I miss him so much. But I want him to be happy.

I know I'm a coward. Even though I'm contemplating suicide I keep on pushing it back because I'm worried I wont do a foolproof plan and I will survive and humiliate myself. But I feel something screaming inside of me telling me to do it and I can't seem to drown it out anymore!!! People in the past have made and told me that I'm a waste, that they are tired of putting effort into me, and it doesnt help that my brain says it every day too. A part of me does have some sort of hope and its struggling to hold on, that's why I'm writing on here I guess

Why do you want to prove those assholes and your insecurity right? Or your homophobic family? You are better than that. Being gay is better than that. And if somebody doesn't like it, they can go fuck themselves for all YOU should care. If you don't feel you can come out yet, then start making arrangements to NEVER return to Sri Lanka ever again. Go to a place where you can be yourself, and once you feel stable, come out to your parents and let them know that you don't need their approval.

I know there are times when it feels unbearable. But that's always in our heads, not outside of them. You owe it to yourself to get rid of these crappy feelings, because you're the only one who is responsible for your happiness. And if you hold the answer, why would you not just go for it instead of giving up?

Please, message me in a PM if you want to talk, but don't think of suicide.

 

[geishagaysha]

Thank Rolyo!! I just don't know what to do because on top of what everyone else has to say, I despise myself. I positively hate everything about myself. I only found validation through love, and now I'm back to square one...

I can't find anything I love enough to want to be around.. or just be happy.. No one deserves this kind of depression especially when they have most luxuries in life.. BUT I STILL CAN"T BE HAPPY. I hate myself for being like this.

 

[Just_Believe18]

^ Please review the post I wrote with you. Despite the homophobia you face from your family and some aspects of your culture, you live a life that is amazingly fortunate and blessed with the potential to help so many people.

 

[Rolyo85]

Thank Rolyo!! I just don't know what to do because on top of what everyone else has to say, I despise myself. I positively hate everything about myself. I only found validation through love, and now I'm back to square one...

I can't find anything I love enough to want to be around.. or just be happy.. No one deserves this kind of depression especially when they have most luxuries in life.. BUT I STILL CAN"T BE HAPPY. I hate myself for being like this.

The first step is to absolutely forbid yourself to think these thoughts, let alone SHARE them with others. I am sure I can find things to love about you, and I'm some stranger on the other side of the globe. There are always things we can love about ourselves, we just don't pay attention to them. Validation must come from within to be real. Nobody else can give meaning to our lives.