Help! Partner & I have started dating a guy & I feel at times like third wheel. Long Post

[gvlatinboi]

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[TD="class: alt1, bgcolor: #F5F5FF"]My partner and I met a guy a few weeks ago for friendship. There was never any intention of anything past friendship but the 2nd time we met up with him, we went to the bar, got back to our place, talked and watched a movie. Next thing I know, we are kissing and having oral sex. He spent the night, and we got to know each other more the next morning. We hung out with him more times that next week and my partner and I started developing strong feelings for him. We have gone out and done things together, talked, cooked, etc. Then a week ago, our friend/boyfriend, let's name him Dave, had to go out of town for the weekend and I learned he came out to his grandma through my partner, which upset me a bit as I felt something that big should have been shared with both of us not just my partner. My partner and I talked and came to the conclusion that my partner and Dave had been talking for a couple of weeks before we even met and so Dave had more trust in him. I calmed down quite a bit. Also, to add, Dave has a 6 month job assignment about 4 hours from us and he'll be leaving in the next few days now.

Then, he comes back on Sunday and as we finished watching a movie at the theater, Dave and I ride together to the restaurant. He tells me that he has to take a bunch of stuff to where he'll be living for the next 6 months and that he's thinking about doing it tuesday. Didn't think much of it. We went to restaurant and had a great time with him and a couple of friends of ours. As we originally drove with our friends, we say bye to Dave and start heading home. I tell my partner that Dave is going Tuesday to where he'll work and my partner replies with yeah, I know. He invited me to go Wed and thursday with him, (My partner doesn't work Thursdays) and my partner told him he can't take half a day off on Wednesday to go with him. When I hear this my heart sank and I've never felt as bad I don't think. My view was that we're exploring getting into a Triad and that something as big as him inviting only him to go with him and to spend the night no less, well it just made me feel like crap because i felt as though I wasn't considered for the trip even though I'm the one with the most flexible schedule. I talked to my partner that night for an hour about how i felt and felt so horrible that I was on the verge of crying.

Next morning, Dave sends me a text that he's sorry he made me feel like the third wheel. That he never intended to fall for my partner so quickly. That him and I have a great bond and for him is taking more time to develop into love. That he's trying his best but it's not easy and that he doesn't want me to feel bad again. That what my partner and I have is so special and he doesn't want to ruin anything and for me to tell him to back off if I feel it's too much. I talk through it with my best friend and she tells me that even in 1 on 1 relationships that the same amount of love isn't always mutual. I calm down and think that he's known my partner longer and that he just needs time. I'm fine for the rest of the week.

Fast forward this weekend, which we spent together, and we went out to the bar, which Dave didn't pay any attention to me but did a bit with my partner and some other guy. We go home and I just sat in the couch for a few mins upset beyond upset because I feel like I've opened myself to this situation but I'm not loved/liked by Dave as much as he loves/likes my partner. I see them interact and they show emotions towards each other. When Dave and I interact, it's always me starting with cuddling, kissing, etc. With my partner, he instigates. When I see that I feel like Dave is in love with my partner and I'm just the extra that unfortunately has to tag along. My partner tells me to consider ending the relationship with Dave because it hurts him to see me upset but I'm so in love with him, I just can't.

On Sunday, I try instigating sex with Dave and nothing happens. He leaves an hour later saying he has to pack for his move. I then get a text from him saying that he's sorry about morning sex but that he gets very emotionally attached afterwards and seeing that he's leaving in a couple of days, he doesn't want to make himself hurt even more. He then says, "My feelings for you are strange in a way that i can't describe them. But I know it is good, it's weird." I tell him at least it's good, and he says, "With time it gets better like a red wine." Which I think OK, so no love for me but hopefully he'll fall for me, great! I decide not to push and we turn over to fun conversation.

We text back and forth all day Sunday, and Sunday night, I tell him that I'm going up with my partner to the city he has a conference at and that I'm going to hang out with a friend, to which he replies, "Very cool. Well be safe. I don't' want some guy getting into you pants." That made me feel like he actually cares about me in his jealousy. We text back and forth all day today and we're meeting up with him tomorrow morning for coffee as he lives in the morning. My partner shows me what he told him via text and it's all about how he can't wait to kiss him and see him etc. Meanwhile, I begin to get the anger in me at that time because I don't get any messages like that.

I'm in love with Dave and my partner, how do I deal with Dave not giving me the same amount of love as he shows to my partner? My fear is that I'll be the, "i'll do you because you come with the package but I'm not interested in you," man. Dave leaves tomorrow for 6 months and we're planning on visiting him in early June, so I'm hoping that with time, I'll learn how to handle this and hopefully he'll fall for me as well.. but I'm just so confused. Help?


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[Just_Believe18]

Yup, you are the third wheel. The token affection and intimacy that Dave gives you is only because he has to. If you weren't in a relationship with your partner, it would only be he and Dave. He wouldn't be a 1 on 1 with you.

I believe your partner has the best solution: both of you need to break up the relationship with Dave. If you don't, I would be very cautious that somewhere down the road that Dave may take your partner away from you. Forget your "love" for Dave. Your love for your partner is more important. As one of the two in the relationship, you have every right to put your foot down and stop this before it goes too far. Dave has had plenty of opportunities to warm up to you, but clearly he hasn't changed.

The maximum time to allow yourself a final decision should be the trip. If he still continues to give your partner an unequal amount of attention, call it off after the trip.

 

[Sigma-taylor-E]

Simple, BREAK IT OFF. You obviously cannot stand, emotionally, to keep up with what's going on. Take your partners advice and end it.

 

[Rolyo85]

I knew a couple that got a third. I thought one of the guys was absolutely awesome. The other one and the new boy were basically whores. They ended up kicking the awesome one out after a few months.

I'm not saying it's not gonna work out or that it can't. But I'm deeply skeptical. In those three-way things there is always someone who isn't as ok with it as he appears originally to be. And the moment you have ANY doubts, you have to put your foot down. Your bf is not entitled to experimentation without your consent if he truly cares about you.

 

[altlover85]

I'm no expert in this situation, but I agree with the other posters. End it. Clearly Dave isn't as into you as he is your partner and while I think that might be normal, (I can't imagine having equal feelings for both members of a couple) I don't think it's fair to you.

 

[Seasoned]

Whether you want something or are "supposed" to want it, if it's not working for you it's not worth pursuing. I don't like hearing hearing what this is doing to you emotionally. They're in love or in lust and it's not easy or healthy watching.

 

[Ninja108]

I have only heard of a threeway relationship working out once (they are all still together.) Most of them the time though,one of the people will become the third wheel. And it's become clear that you are the third wheel. The only sensible thing to do is end it,otherwise you will be the one left in the dust.

 

[TX-Beau]

Sugar, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....... You don't have a threeway thing. let's-name-him-Dave is going through you to get to your partner. Maliciously? I don't know, but it doesn't matter. It's time for let's-name-him-Dave to leave town already.

 

[guyfromNY]

I've never understood how people can have a three way relationship. Someone will always end up being the odd man out.

 

[skinIsIn]

Why the heck is everyone saying to the OP to tell "Dave" to back off? Dave is merely the flavor of the month, he has no say in your orig. relationship.
In my view, the OP should be having a serious conversation chat with his "boyfriend," ultimately giving this jerk an ultimatum,
"It's either Dave or me, goddamn it!!

Three-ways are a receipe for disaster! [except when it comes to burgers and chili, but I digest ]

Than again, this might have been the OP's boyfriend's idea to cause an easy way out of the relationship.
(Using Dave as a wedge, etc.)

 

[Just_Believe18]

SkinIsIn, you haven't been reading the thread correctly. His boyfriend has actually offered him to end the relationship with Dave because he doesn't want it to hurt the OP. It's the OP who is holding onto this triad when we are advising him to end the triad with Dave.

 

[Thrasher12]

Honey it was nice while it lasted but now is the time for Dave to move on. Sadly Dave and your BF seemed to have connected on a much more emotional level then you and Dave - which, as harsh as it sounds, makes you the third wheel. Salvage what you have rather what you might have had.

 

[chance1]

what a thread

I have to say that the OP has enabled this situation totally

It seems from my read that you may care more for Dave than your current BF - you seem to be infatuated with the new guy - and talk very little about your feelings for your current

almost like if the shoe was on the other foot - you and Dave being the 2 - and ur current BF being the 3rd wheel .......

well u might be ok with that

could be wrong

you seem to be more upset that dave isn't so into u

3-somes are fleeting is my take and the fun can turn to bad quickly and irrevocably

 

[bankside]

CAn i just point out that nobody is "in love" with anybody they met "a few weeks ago."

This is a basic mistake which makes me wonder about the main relationship never mind the triad idea.

 

[j0rdan]

Gee...neither a squeak nor squawk from the OP since the first posting.

 

[rareboy]

^ We have to assume that he took all the excellent advice given here and brought the affair to a close.

I would point out one thing though.

A tricycle cannot operate without a third wheel. So maybe it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

 

[Rolyo85]

I wish more people had the good manners to update us once they'd been given the advice they were asking for

 

[chance1]

^ frankly I'm not sure people are really looking for advice - and if they are I think they're in trouble really

for me it's more of just to type the words and express your feelings/thoughts - to get them organized and OFF your chest

and then you have to come to your own conclusion - might take longer than we/the public think - like in this case - I think the whole setup is fucked

but you need to come to a conclusion in your own head otherwise it's temporary and not real and not sustainable