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Help please! i know youre probably annoyed by these.

K

KnightLight

Joined
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Location
Jacksonville
buuut i desperately need the advice.

I'm not out & i dont plan to be for a while, im 20 years old and I've been in love with this kid I've known since we were young, we both go to the same church and we see each other 3-4 times a week. I've been in "love" with him for about 5 years. And it's gotten to the point where I get extremely jealous when he talks to this girl hes in love with and who is also one of my close friends. I'm a little older than him and he sees me more as a big brother type of person, and every night i have to tell myself im not love with him. that i dont need him or that i dont want him, but i cant stop thinking about him and i hate myself for it cause i know hes unrelentingly straight. for the past three months, ive been ignoring him although i see him frequently throughout the week, hes apologized and he doesnt even know what he did wrong, hes been pretty sweet to me too and he tried to add me as a friend again on facebook after i deleted/blocked him. i know its harsh to outright keep ignoring him, but i cant do anything else. i hate looking at him and thinking all i wanna do is hold him and him hold me and us under blankets telling each other jokes, hes extremely hilarious, btw haha. but i dont know what to do, i know avoiding and not talking to him is really harsh, since it just happened so suddenly, but i really thought i could just cut him out. i just need the time recuperate and realize hes straight and i feel this was the best way. but i cant control myself and i keep wanting talking to him even though i dont. i hate feeling jealous and stupid and lame, doing the things i do like telling that one girl theyd make a stupid couple. at one point i tried being happy for them and letting him go, but i couldnt. i figure that if i dont keep talking to him, ill be able to learn to keep him at that friendship distance.

any advice?
 
He sounds like he really is a good friend that wants to stay friends. He'd be the guy I'd come out to, if I were you. Not to gauge if their is any interest, but because his support could make your life so much better and the coming out process easier. If he rejects you, then it's all on him and you wouldn't need to feel like you do now...Good luck, man. Good friends are priceless.
 
By the way.. we're in a no flame zone so I'll try very hard to walk a gentle line here.

But you're being a bit of a jerk to this guy who hasn't done anything and you're punishing him for your own ability to come out.

How about maybe you join a gay church? If that's a way for you to feel comfortable, anyway. There's plenty of gay Christians out there who'd be great friends even if they're not "the one."
 
The two guys above hit the highlights.

* You've got a good friend.
* He'll never be more than that.
* You're becoming a dickweed by becoming jealous of his relationship and saying things in the hopes of breaking them up. This isn't friend-like behavior. It's the behavior of a spoiled kid who can't get what he wants. A true friend is happy at his friend's success in love.
* So long as you have an unattainable guy you can fixate on, you'll feel less inclined to come out. But once you do come out, and you do hook up with someone who likes you back, you'll realize how incomplete and silly your earlier crush really was.

Lex
 
My advice?

Snap out of it.

You are yet another closeted guy who is using this crush as a means of avoiding engagement with the real gay world out here. It is so much more convenient to have an unrequited love that you can transfer all your fantasies and hopes onto. As long as it never happens, it has the pristine purity that a real relationship just won't have.

But it leads to, (or is the result of) is neurotic behaviour and it just can't end well. Five years? Wasted. In a life that isn't that long when you think about it.

So. Snap out of it. Get emotionally healthy. Get prepared for rejection, acceptance joy and heartbreak. But for the love of all that is holy, get out there and get over this foolish and sterile obsession.
 
rareboy said:
My advice?

Snap out of it.

You are yet another closeted guy who is using this crush as a means of avoiding engagement with the real gay world out here. It is so much more convenient to have an unrequited love that you can transfer all your fantasies and hopes onto. As long as it never happens, it has the pristine purity that a real relationship just won't have.

But it leads to, (or is the result of) is neurotic behaviour and it just can't end well. Five years? Wasted. In a life that isn't that long when you think about it.

So. Snap out of it. Get emotionally healthy. Get prepared for rejection, acceptance joy and heartbreak. But for the love of all that is holy, get out there and get over this foolish and sterile obsession.
Click to expand...


:=D:very nicely put :=D:
 
Heck man when I lived in Jax all there was for gays was that club in downtow or that gay bar on the beach. This was 1997. Its so much easier for you now with the internet and all so make yourself available NOW or youll end up like me.
* And trust me...you will be thinking that God is keeping you alive for torture if you end up like me so abandon the lost cause while you still have your youth!*
 
Yeah, straight guy gets treated like an outcast because friend will not respect straight guy's feelings.

If he is straight, believe him. Be happy for him. He isn't doing it to make your life miserable.
 
bankside said:
Yeah, straight guy gets treated like an outcast because friend will not respect straight guy's feelings.

If he is straight, believe him. Be happy for him. He isn't doing it to make your life miserable.
Click to expand...


On the one hand I agree with this, but on the other the You (OP) have already started saying shit to the girl, and if you can't stop meddling, or are going to be spiteful and obstructive, better some confused isolation for the straight guy now than having you fucking with his relationship out of jealousy.

If you can't control your actions, control your locations. It is shitty to isolate him for your lack of control, and it sounds like you're trying to punish him by isolating him, but better that, than you creating a huge and destructive mega drama when you can't stand to see them together and happy.


Next - you need to work on yourself. If you aren't associating with gay men, who'll actually date you, you're fishing in a dry pond, and you'll be having this problem over and over and over and over and over and over................

Finally, if you feel you need separation, get yourself some separation, you can just tell him that you're going through you're own shit right now and need some alone time - which has the virtue of both being true, and not confusing him.
 
TX-Beau said:
On the one hand I agree with this, but on the other the You (OP) have already started saying shit to the girl, and if you can't stop meddling, or are going to be spiteful and obstructive, better some confused isolation for the straight guy now than having you fucking with his relationship out of jealousy.
Click to expand...

bankside said:
Yeah, straight guy gets treated like an outcast because friend will not respect straight guy's feelings.

If he is straight, believe him. Be happy for him. He isn't doing it to make your life miserable.
Click to expand...

JasunStrikesBack said:
By the way.. we're in a no flame zone so I'll try very hard to walk a gentle line here.

But you're being a bit of a jerk to this guy who hasn't done anything and you're punishing him for your own ability to come out.
Click to expand...

They are right mate. However, you get some less "annoyed feelings" by anyone here cause you understand the nature of the problem and post it.

What to do? I am against in moving away from the problem by isolating yourself from him. He doesnt deserve it! At least he should know why he's loosing you, right?

So talk to him, tell him what you posted in your first post and accept the reaction. Either he accepts the situation (you will gain the sequence of his friendship) or he doent accept it and it stops (eventually he knows "what he did" and you cut off having made what you ve been thinking in the first place but more relieved)
 
thanks guys and yeah i guess i am being a jerk.
i always knew i was being mean.. but i needed to hear from someone other than myself.


and to tell you truth. im scared to put myself out there. im paranoid about, crazy that someone will find out. im stuck, this life is a web spiderman would be jealous of
 
KnightLight said:
thanks guys and yeah i guess i am being a jerk.
i always knew i was being mean.. but i needed to hear from someone other than myself.


and to tell you truth. im scared to put myself out there. im paranoid about, crazy that someone will find out. im stuck, this life is a web spiderman would be jealous of
Click to expand...

All in your mind.

So what if they find out? Why is it always the gay guys who are expected to tip toe around the delicate sensibilities of everyone else? Did anyone else ask your permission to be what they are?

It's almost spring and there's a big gay baseball league in Jacksonville... you'll meet guys when you're just out having fun doing something you might be doing anyway.

Make some new friends, get out there... maybe meet a guy who's capable of returning your feelings?
 
The truth will set you free if you are willing to tell him the truth. :)
 
I agree with everyone the only way you will feel better is telling him the truth.
 
I agree with Jasun i think. Why do gay guys have to be perfectly considerate and nice? While I think intentionally sabotaging their budding relationship is very fucked up, I dont think you need explain anything to this boy. Straight guys jerk gay guys and girls around all the time and completely destroy their self-esteem. I'm not saying 2 wrongs make a right but you are not horrible for ignoring him. Maybe you need to ignore him so you can get over him. You cant be friends with someone you have those types of feeling for. You'll just end up torturing yourself. You need to do what is best for you and not be so worried about this poor little straight guy.
 
rareboy said:
My advice?

Snap out of it.

You are yet another closeted guy who is using this crush as a means of avoiding engagement with the real gay world out here. It is so much more convenient to have an unrequited love that you can transfer all your fantasies and hopes onto. As long as it never happens, it has the pristine purity that a real relationship just won't have.

But it leads to, (or is the result of) is neurotic behaviour and it just can't end well. Five years? Wasted. In a life that isn't that long when you think about it.

So. Snap out of it. Get emotionally healthy. Get prepared for rejection, acceptance joy and heartbreak. But for the love of all that is holy, get out there and get over this foolish and sterile obsession.
Click to expand...

This just needs to be copy and pasted and ready to post in every thread like this. There are few better answers than what rareboy just said.
 
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