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Help talking with my roommate.

ZmercTheDuke

ZmercTheDuke

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So last night was pretty crazy for me, so I start at the first event.

I get a call from a gay friend of mine that i meet online about a year ago, and been close friends ever since. I got in a long discussion with him about how he has major feelings for me, and that his feelings for me keep getting in the way of him trying to start relationships with other guys. I keep telling him to move on that we could never have a relationship because how far apart we live from each other*Basically on opposite sides of the country*. So that conversation goes on for about an hour, then I get back to my dorm room.

Then my roommate gets out of bed and sits on our couch, as I read my professor email on what short story I have to read and answer questions on for our next class. Then my roommate comes up to me and says he has something important to tell me,and makes me promise I wont make things awkward afterwards. Him and I always fuck around with each other, so this was pretty weird for him to be completely serous. Then he tells me " i have feelings for you that I never had for anyone else before.". Right as he says this, I read the book i have to read for my class and its titled is " a good man is hard to find". I start cracking up laughing just as sheer irony and craziness of this night. Thats just one gay thing to another. I had no idea my roommate was gay, and I think im the first person he ever told. He gets upset that im laughing, and I tell him im not laughing at him, just at this whole night. I tell him I talk about to him later.

What I need help with is, how should I start the conversation with him, I dont see him as anything other then a friend. Not attracted to him at all, i just see him as a friend or a brother. I was thinking I should explain further why I was laughing, then I guess ask him about his sexuality. I never had someone come out to me before, with these feelings, and im just really confused about what to say. I Just started recently coming out myself...
 
hi ZmercTheDuke,

#1 has already given you several goods ideas and I underline all of them. So try to be a good friend for him, offer him support, but be also clear to him that you don't want a relationship with him. Its good you are already out, so you can tell him as well some of your own experiences how to handle with the new situation.

And be aware that he is already your good friend, and that there is no need to change this. Be glad that you don't have a homophobe as a roommate.

I do think you should apologize him that you started laughing when he told you that he had a crush on you. I tend to think that this will not be too difficult for you, as i have the idea that he is a nice room mate. Well, he started to say he needed to tell you something, and you can start on the same way. I tend to think he will understand why you started to laugh. But better tell this soon (-very soon) to him.

So give him enough space (to think about the new situation), but also offer him support. Your school / college / uni is a gay friendly one (and with other open gays as well)? Maybe you can introduce him to some of the other gay people over there?

Take care & good luck.

Feel free to react or to ask additional questions.
 
Definitely explain the laughter and then explain that you regard him as a friend. Try to explain what happens with crushes especially when in the closet. Let him know if you feel comfortable being part of his support system.
 
Thanks guys for the advice. Hes a exchange student and will actually be leaving back to his home country of Brazil in less then 3 weeks. So don't have to worry about any further complications in the future. As for if this is a gay friendly campus, I couldn't tell I just transferred here this semester, and not involved in gay community here. But the this campus has a friendly vibe and think most people are indifferent towards LGBT community.
 
I Talk to him about 3 days agos, and seemed to be understanding. Nothing changed, Well last night my roommate, 2 other friends and I basically spent entire day together after class. We saw a movie, then dinner and went to irish pub. Then once get back to my room, I go went straight to bed, then once im in bed my roommate kept asking me to have sex with him, I kept saying no, and then he kept asking to cuddle. It really pissed me off and made me really uncomfortable, now I really dont want to see today. Any Idea on what I should do? I was cussing at him to leave me the fuck alone, last night and still kept asking for another 3 minutes.
 
I'm not excusing his behavior at all but it sounds like he was drunk and not thinking clearly. Like you said earlier. Hes leaving for Brazil soon. I'd avoid him and if he does approach you let him know that what he did was inappropriate and really crossed the line. Hell, he may not even remember what he did. Again. That doesent excuse what he did. He was very wrong. I'd avoid him and if he initiates any contact tell him he crossed the line and you dont want to talk to him any more. No means no.

Steven
 
hi ZmercTheDuke,

Well, you have done the right thing by telling him clearly that you are not interested in having sex with him, and that you also don't want to cuddle with him. Reasonable people will understand this.

#7 might well be right that he was drunk (was this the case?), meaning that his behaviour was different when he would not have been drunk. When this was the case, you might have a talk with him lateron (when he is not drunk anymore) and tell him that you don't want to have sex with him, and that you also don't want to cuddle with him (or things like that). Somehow, he seems a reasonable guy, and I tend to think that he will understand this message when you tell it to him when he is not drunk.

Do you think that it is now clear to your roommate that you don't have romantic feelings for him? Maybe you should tell this again to him? And advise him to find another guy when he wants to have sex with guys.

Feel free to react & take care.

Best wishes.
 
=D I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was doing a research for the same problem (EXACTLY THE SAME PROBLEM).

Good that my roomate had show me this forum one day when he was showing me something about guns.

Anyway, Zmerc, I don't think that he was trying to be rude with u. Actually I'm pretty sure he was just trying to understand what was going on. Because in the previous day he (by HE I mean ME) was in a fraternity when you tried to grab him in and kiss him in public. Don't worry that's okay because u was drunk as hell. =D

So, bro. As I told u by message. I'm not in love with u. I'm just confused about what to do. And is definitely okay be just your friend. Actually I really prefer like that. I'm with some doubts about what to do with my life now that I'm getting back to my home country. And I think would be awesome have someone that had (has) the same problems to solve and talk about it.

I really hope that we can still be as much friends as we were until now.

PS: Sorry to post this in here. I'm not good with words so I probably would be too to complicated explain this for u in live. =D
 
hi Hell Myths,

Welcome to JUB and great to see that there are two sides of the story. So no problem at all that you joined JUB and that you have made your posting in this thread.

So both of you were -quite- drunk, and both of you prefer to stay good friends of each other. That's great, and I am quite sure you and ZmercTheDuke will find ways to clear the light.

I hope you enjoy your time over there in the US. ZmercTheDuke already told us that there are several other gay guys as well on your college, and that its a quite liberal college. So I hope you will be able to make some other gay friends over there as well.

And how about inviting ZmercTheDuke to pay a visit to you when you are back home in Brazil again? Wouldn't that be a nice way to show him some parts of your country?

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best. Feel free to ask all kind of questions over here.

Take care & best wishes.
 
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