HELP! The cute guy... is into guys!

[theblackajah]

Alright, so, last week I was waiting out in the cold at a university bus stop when I noticed this really cute guy waiting there too. I was talking with another person I met at this group meeting thing, and by chance, I end up talking to the cute guy, and this attractive (I think) girl was there too, and all three of us got to talking. It was a tad cold, and he offered to lend me his extra jacket, but I declined.

So anyways, we get on the same bus, and end up talking some more... which kind of confused me since he stopped chatting with the girl, but kept chatting with me. So anyways, before I got off the bus, I handed him my MSN.

A few days back, he msgs me, and tells me to get facebook... this network website (ala Friendster) thing. So I do. Lo and behold, his profile says he's into women AND... men! Good, right? Wrong!

I've been in a relationship for 2 years now- my first. First kiss, first lover, we've even moved in together. He's sweet, caring, and decent-looking, although he's not the type of guy that'd make me wanna rip his clothes off.

Anyways, I got to talking with the cute guy some more, and we're gonna meet up tomorrow at our university to go to this GLBT resource group discussion together. Now, my dilemma: He's hot, totally my type. He's funny, charming... and I'm not single. He is. I don't want to leave my hubby, or jeopardize our relationship... but at the same time, I want a gay/bi friend I can relate with. Should I pursue this? Or am I just deluding myself into thinking all I want is friendship?

This whole situation is sending me into a fritz. I'd probably be tempted to cheat. Please don't judge me for this- I love my boyfriend, I really do, but for some reason I constantly get urges to explore. I often wonder what I could be missing out on, as we've promised each other to be "together forever", meaning he'd be my first and last. Am I just not built for relationships? Am I just naturally the type that cheats? I've never cheated, and I hope I never will. Even if this cute guy thing blows over, what next? There'll be more hot guys, more temptation, more agony. Do I have to live with this forever? HELP!

 

[looseliam]

There's something to be said about love.
There's something to be said about sowing your oats.

I see nothing wrong with you making a friend. Friends are fun!

Although I can't tell you what to do, my urges to 'explore' years ago (I, too was with a first everything) and it got so much I had to leave her. It was difficult for a while, but I think I'm better off because of it.

Just my 2cents though.

 

[puka-pride]

its never a good idea to cheat obviously... and its not a good idea to dump one guy for another.... but it isn't a good idea to stay in a medicore relationship either....

sure you love you bf... but are you IN love with him

 

[Danugh]

sure you love you bf... but are you IN love with him

I agree with Ticham.

He is inlove with the financial security his boyfriend provides and thats the key factor he is battling. He wants this new guy but cant afford to lose the meal ticket.

Stay with your boyfriend, he is a good man, a good provider, dont throw it all away for a roll in the hay.

 

[Riverrick]

theblackajah, I hear a lot of very familiar things in your post. I too moved in with my first lover and had very little dating experience before him. I too, after being with him for a while, began to itch to try out some of the candy that I ran across in my life. I think its because we didn't do that first. But that's just the way things worked out. I wanted to stay with my first bf and was content to do so.

I don't know how many gay friends you guys have, but its extremely common to run into attractive gay men. This isn't the only time you are going to be faced with these feelings. So I wouldn't let your mind blow this situation out of proportion.

Outside of your bf agreeing to let you sleep around, you are committed to a relationship and until it is otherwise, I wouldn't recommend hooking up with anyone. And I'm not saying this from some high moral place. The reality is that it will not work out as simply as you might hope. The hookup won't be careless fun because a part of you will feel bad doing it and that will interfere. And afterwards, you will feel extremely guilty and so won't even get to have a good memory of the affair. You may even later decide to confess it all to your bf (to clear your conscience) and, well, so much for cheating.

My point here is that there is the Fantasy and there is the Reality. I've seen enough of this stuff happen to know how it goes. I didn't cheat, but I did break up with my bf (for this and other reasons). And gee, all of a sudden that freedom didn't feel so great anymore.

So be careful. You may lose more than you realize you already have.

 

[ladygrey]

^
great points

It's very true. Honestly, it's not worth it at all.

 

[theblackajah]

I agree with Ticham.

He is inlove with the financial security his boyfriend provides and thats the key factor he is battling. He wants this new guy but cant afford to lose the meal ticket.

Stay with your boyfriend, he is a good man, a good provider, dont throw it all away for a roll in the hay.

Ahem. Perhaps people misinterpreted things. My boyfriend is the same age as I (19), and we live together in an apartment which we pay for half-and-half. I have my own cash, so does he. I don't depend on him. The reason I stay with him is because I love him, and he cares for me. I just can't dump a guy for another guy- that just isn't me. I have a connection with my b/f, the kind of connection that comes with time spent together, like the whole "nothing's gross between us anymore" thing, acceptance, support, etc.

Meh. Keep the advice coming guys, I'm still so lost.

 

[theblackajah]

You guys give awesome advice (That's why I love this place so much). Riverrick, thanks for the personal experience... your words ring real true. I guess I just don't really know how much I stand to lose until I lost it...

Are all relationships like this? Do they eventually fall into such familiarity that we must simply live with that, endure it, and live with "reality"? Am I just being immature in hoping for the passion and fire that things used to have? Am I just the type that enjoys the hunt, but not the catch?

Also, can one be friends with a hottie, and just STAY friends? Has anyone ever made friends with someone you found very attractive, and after a while, simply viewed them as a friend, and nothing more?

Auuugh. The torment.

 

[confusedboy23]

Cheating is definitely off limits to any party in a relationship. it is not worth it!

Everyone defines cheating differently so if you really can't help it - you might like to talk to your boyfriend about the boundaries of your relationship. Riverrick has pointed out that hooking up will not only hurt him but it can also be emotionally traumatic to yourself. That is just so true and I've experienced that guilt myself when I had a girlfriend many years ago!

As for staying friends with hotties, I think that is very possible because otherwise, you would be sleeping around with different guys everyday as I am sure you would meet a cute guy everyday! All relationships have their ups and downs, so if you're thinking that yours has entered into the "reality" as you have put it, then put some effort into spicing it up - send some lovey dovey texts, or a surprise home cooked candle light dinner or whatever.

Just remember though, a long term relationship is built upon honest communication. Be open with each other and live the relationship - DO NOT endure it!!!

 

[slobone]

theblackajah, you're asking all the right questions. Clearly you see that your boyfriend, not this new guy, is the issue here, and you want to do the right thing by him. That shows a lot of maturity for your age.

If you want to stay in this relationship that you've already invested two years in, to work on it to make it better, to stay with this guy who's been good to you, then of course you shouldn't even think about cheating. I would even say you should avoid the cute guy, if the whole basis of your friendship with him is that you're attracted to him.

But if you try to rekindle your passion for your bf, and it doesn't work out, then maybe that's the time to move on. 19 is awfully young to make a permanent commitment. You shouldn't have to feel like you're trapped.

Usually people think their first real love is going to last the rest of their lives -- I know I did. Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way.

Whether you break up or stay together, keep it between you and the bf for now. Stay away from hot guys -- you sound like a teakettle coming to the boil, ready to shoot any minute (pun intended)!

 

[jockboy01]

The advice here is good. I would say, basically you have to look at your current relationship independant of hot boy. Are you happy? What's missing? What's good? etc. It sounds like your relationship is a good one right now. The only thing missing is the novelty.... which unfortunately, or fortunately never lasts forever. So if everything is good, I'd stick with him. If your relationship is already having problems, then I might think things differently, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

As to having hot friends... definitely possible. I have hot friends that are just that... friends. I love them to death and while I may have originally gotten to know them b/c they were attractive, I stay friends with them w/o any delusion of sleeping with them or becoming anything more than friends. And it doesn't bother me at all. They're still fun to look at, but better yet, they're good friends. You just have to make sure you don't confuse the two however.

 

[theblackajah]

Hey everyone.

Time for updates!

So, I got out of my lab at around 5 in the afternoon, and was supposed to meet Mr. Cute Guy at that time (He apparently got off classes around 2). So, I ring his phone, he says he's on his way to meet me at the spot. I call him 20 minutes later, and apparently, he went HOME earlier, and was then with a friend driving back to campus.

Anyways, at around 6, an HOUR later, he calls up again and changes the meeting place... says we should just meet AT the GLBT meeting place. Fine. So, suffice to say, I don't think the guy's really interested in me anyways... doesn't even seem to be interested in friendship.

So, I chat him up on MSN sometimes, but he's not very talkative... which tells me he isn't that interested in friendship for some reason. Thing is, he's REALLY chatty and sociable in PERSON, just not with me. He tries to chat everyone else up though... so, all in all, I don't understand him, and I'm starting to think he's a jerk.

SO, anyways, I guess he's probably just looking for sex, and just isn't attracted to me. I guess friendship by itself is just out of the question for him, and honestly, while I still harbor some hopes of making a friend, I'm leaning towards just saying goodbye, good riddance. After all, there are other fish in the sea.

The good news is though, all your advice had really bolstered my spirits... and so I decided to take some of the advice and talk to my boyfriend. I was pretty much sobbing when I admitted all my... less than faithful thoughts and impulses. He was nothing but caring, loving and understanding when he saw how much pain and suffering I was in- for that, I owe him the world. He was like, "Look... it's alright, it's alright. If you need to take a break for the relationship, or see other guys, then that's fine... whatever it takes for you to be happy." I know how difficult it is for him to say that, as his greatest fear is that I'd cheat on him. When he said that, I could totally tell that, if I ever did it, it would hurt him severely, but he'd be willing to endure it... just so I could be happy. All I could tell him was that I'm so sorry that I'm this way... I just kept saying I'm sorry in between sobs. It was one of the most honest moments we've ever had together, and in those moments, I remembered why I made the promise to stay with him forever in the first place. I truly do believe I've found that one person who would just accept me, love me, care for me, and never judge me. The one person that would do anything for me, my soulmate.

While it still hurts to think of all the experiences I shall never have, it is also comforting to know that I always have him to fall back on. I've decided to NOT take him up on his offer... being separated from him, or making him move out just so I could sleep around... well, that would hurt him. I suppose, in the end, this is what love is all about. How much am I willing to give up for him? How much is he willing to give up for me? I guess love isn't always perfect, love isn't always absolute compatability... it's an understanding between two people, and finding somewhere to meet midway, and just be happy together. I told him that I want to grow old with him, and I really do mean it.

Thanks again, everyone.

 

[looseliam]

It pleases me much you two were able to talk about this.

Thanks for the update, and hang in there.

 

[Riverrick]

That was a very honest conversation with your bf and a very honest post here. You can't go wrong doing things that way.

Congratulations for having the courage to handle matters head on. I'm really impressed. Its a good lesson for all of us.

 

[confusedboy23]

OMG! You've nearly opened my floodgates but I really want to say this, I am so glad that you have been courageous in opening up yourself to your boyfriend. I commend your honesty and I agree with Riverrick, things just cannnot go wrong when there is nothing hidden between two loving souls. From your post, I can tell that you have found yourself someone who truly loves you and whom I can tell too, that you are truly in love with. So, congratulations on reinforcing that relationship and I wish you both all the very best.