help..... what to do about b/f dishonesty

[albar05]

Hia guys,

Bear with me here, this is still very raw for me as it only happened this w/e and feeling really confused and upset.

I have been dating a guy for the past 9months, he is in london, i live near Gatwick Airport, we see eachother every weekend , and its been amazing. We chat on msn everynight , and text all day long, i could not ask for anything better.

The last 3 weeks or so , i have been feeling really weird like there was somthing going on with him, the text message where less frequent and just in general i could feel like things had changed alittl.. he did not seem so attentive, we still msn and webcam and spoke everyday and saw each other on the w/e .

This past week end, i was on his computer and i found an email from a random guy flirting with him and another email he has sent telling this guy he was sexy and stuff.. and that he wanted to msn with him etc...

I was devastated, i confronted him about it and he said it was from a football website and this guy saw that he was gay , and emailed him wanting advise as he was 41 and starting to have feeling for other guys.

I asked him over and over and over for 2 days , are you sure that was all and he over and over again, lied to me.

I then alittle later, behind his back...lol.... was checking his pics and saw nude pics of him that he had taken 2 weeks before had and i def did not get them... again i confronted him and he said he could not even remember taking then and that he was prob just testing out the camera on this new phone. i let it lie.. not really knowing what to do..

I believed him but still the nagging feeling was eating away at me... behind his back i got this guys email address that night and emailed him, i felt horrible for it but i need to clear it in my own head.

He emailed me back the next day saying that he had no idea what football website i was talking about and could i elabourate...

Again i gave my bf the chance to come clean , saying would you lie to me , and he again lied saying that he had told me everthing and that i was starting to silly...

At this stage i blew with my b/f and asked him AGAIN to come clean and if there was ANYTHING he was hideing to tell me... he evetually caved and took me to his computer where he showed me he has been on * faceparty.com* where he had a profile from before we meet, and a mate of his who recently broke up with his b/f was back on .

AT this point i was so upset! i was beyond belief shaking and just did not know what to do, he showed me the pickture of the guy who had emailed him, and he was really buff and good looking, my bofriend had not mentioned that part!!

i then clicked on his message and found out that he had been sending and receiving message from random guy for about 3- 4weeks behind my back and had infact tried to send the pics i had found to one of the guys phone, which thank god did not go through! ..

I was so hurt, i made him let me read the message and i could ot believe what i was reading.

It hurt me beyond belief and i made him delete his profile there and then. He was pretty upset to, probably for being caught!

We chatted for about 3 hours and we cried alot... well i did!! lol... he sad how sorry he was and that he did not know why he did what he did and that he only tried to cover it up becoz he knew i would be upset , and that he was going to delete the profile on the monday morning becoz he realised that he was risking our relationship and that he would NEVER do that again, he said he did not want to lose me and that he was so stupid for thinking that he would get away with it.

I am so confused, i love him with all my heart and he says that he will NEVER do it again, but i just do not know if i can trust him now, with him in london and me here, how can i know he will not be on there again, I made him give me his user name and password and i have made sure its completely deleted.

But he can do a new one with a new password , how do i trust him?

I am so upset, confused and scared, i DO NOT want to let him go, i love him so much and i really do believe that he is sorry...

Am i being naive?

Any advise guys ... thanks.... sorry for the long post!! its had to fit 4 days of hell into a short story, but i tried! lol

 

[CoolBlue71]

albar05,

Ask yourself the following: What are you wanting out of this relationship? And does your boyfriend want the same? And how are you both treating the relationship and each other?

It sounds like you both have to come clean about your similarities and differences. Your, and his, perceptions of what a relationship should be. What you're both willing to give. What you're both wanting to explore. What you both expect, anticipate, and want.

If you both are on the same page, based on not just what you've expressed but how you behave and live, then perhaps the problems can be overcome. But if they cannot be resolved, it may be a relationship that cannot, and should not, continue.

 

[3nipples]

He's been feeding you with whatever stories it takes to make you believe him and now you think he's finally come clean and is sorry... which is also what he needs you to believe at this point.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Sadly, I would agree with most of the previous posters.

Your BF is a liar. He also lacks the common decency to tell you that he still wants to enjoy his life and have his freedom while being in a relationship with you for the fear that you might reject him.

If you are not into open relationships, part with him and start looking for someone who will be more faithful.

SC

 

[holycrap]

if you love him, stay with him and work it out. Its going to be alright soon, can't promise, but at least give it a try, one more chance ?

 

[DevinO]

I work a job where I can listen to TV all day. I usually listen to Dr. Phil and he has some smart things to say. One is "the best predictor of the future is the past".

My current partner of nearly 4 years had lied to me this same way. It all started after we started living together. I found some pictures of him taking a shower on his computer. When confronted, he said he had a friend take them long ago. Well, my shampoo was in the shower right next to him. Since then, I have caught him in many lies. I have been far too forgiving. If you decide to go on with him, give him one and only one chance! I am at the end of my rope. The next time I find even the smallest lie, he's gone. Don't let it go on and on for years like I have. It is very hurtful and will really screw you up for relationships.

 

[confusedboy23]

albar05,

Ask yourself the following: What are you wanting out of this relationship? And does your boyfriend want the same? And how are you both treating the relationship and each other?

It sounds like you both have to come clean about your similarities and differences. Your, and his, perceptions of what a relationship should be. What you're both willing to give. What you're both wanting to explore. What you both expect, anticipate, and want.

If you both are on the same page, based on not just what you've expressed but how you behave and live, then perhaps the problems can be overcome. But if they cannot be resolved, it may be a relationship that cannot, and should not, continue.

I second coolblue. I think it is about time you laid the issues upfront and deal with them. You need to be sure that what he wants is the same as what you are after. A relationship is about two souls coming together becoming one, so, if you cannot agree earlier on, chances are you won't agree later on. Define the boundaries in the relationship, if he wanted more friends then tell him what you expect him to do or not to do. Yes, he might have lied to you and I can only imagine the hurt you are going through. But if you still love him as much as I think you still do, then maybe a chat will be worth it. Be frank with each other because at the end of the day, it is honesty that will make or break a relationship! Good luck.

 

[looseliam]

Without trust, there is no relationship. But that's just my 2p.

 

[DevinO]

Without trust, there is no relationship. But that's just my 2p.

True, but honesty is paramount. The people who always try to push trust as being the most important are the ones who have something to hide. If you know there's something going on and continue to trust, that makes you a sucker.

 

[looseliam]

I lump honesty in with trust. I trust the other will be honest.

 

[Just_Believe18]

I think this relationship is over already. You caught him trying to hook-up with other guys online. Thats cheating. Maybe he was already successful. You humiliated him by catching him and making him hand over his user name and password to destroy his account. It devolved the relationship from couple, to parent chastising naughty child. And what is to stop the child from creating a new account?

I'm sorry. But there has to be trust and honesty in a relationship, especially if there are trips involving distance and long periods of time. I just don't see it here.

 

[bluedragon4]

if you love him, stay with him and work it out. Its going to be alright soon, can't promise, but at least give it a try, one more chance ?

Hold up! are you the guy who cheated? your post sounds like you may be the cheatin bf. that would be kinda funny.anyway, i had a chat line whore lying bf also. he was a huge whore! he told me a little when i found stuff out but he hid how he actually met guys for sex.you flipping out also taints your relationship. you can never force anyone to do anything. like you said he can just put his profile back up.and now he knows you will invade his privacy and smoother him. he might not have figured that out yet but he will and probably turn it around on you and soon be calling you his stalker ex-boyfriend. i have seen this a 100 times! you have to trust the person you are with and if you do'nt trust him than you know what you must do.

 

[bma1983]

I think this relationship is over already. You caught him trying to hook-up with other guys online. Thats cheating. Maybe he was already successful. You humiliated him by catching him and making him hand over his user name and password to destroy his account. It devolved the relationship from couple, to parent chastising naughty child. And what is to stop the child from creating a new account?

I'm sorry. But there has to be trust and honesty in a relationship, especially if there are trips involving distance and long periods of time. I just don't see it here.

I agree with Just_Believe18. Move on. Maybe you two can still be friends, but the trust is gone from that relationship.

 

[Metroguy78]

Well guys, I am the offending Boyfriend and i thought it only fair to put in my reply and give a little more.

Well first of all I love my bf more than anything, i wasn't and would never hook up with guys or touch another guy. I re logged on to that site to chat to friends then got chatting to handful of guys that i didn't know. 95% of these guys was generic hello, how are you, hows the gym bla bla bla... the picture incident was just a moment of insanity that i am and will always be truely sorry for.

I will be doing my dammedest (sorry for the spelling) to earn back his respect and trust and show him that the person that he fell in love with is infact the person he is seeing now.

I know it is hard to get advice online as you guys dont know me or him but my bf doesn't have many people to talk to which is hard for him. We will be back online in a few weeks to show you doubters that we are stronger than this and to all those who have faith (me included) that love can get through the hard times and best times in a relationship....

Chris....

 

[looseliam]

We're not here to judge. We might throw things, but that's it.

On the other hand, can you understand whence your boyfriend is coming?

I can not speak for him, but in my mind if you're willing to 'bend the truth' on something like this, what will happen when something big comes along.

You will have to work to regain his trust. You must tell him you intend to do so. Then do it.

Welcome to JUB.

 

[Riverrick]

Well, that's a twist!

Thanks for coming on and explaining things Chris. It helps to show how a situation can be misinterpreted. We don't often get the other side of the story so it was interesting to hear what you have to say.

I'm happy that you love your bf because it sounds like he loves you too. Good luck together and check back in some time. We like Epilogues.

 

[3nipples]

Well guys, I am the offending Boyfriend and i thought it only fair to put in my reply and give a little more.

Well first of all I love my bf more than anything, i wasn't and would never hook up with guys or touch another guy. I re logged on to that site to chat to friends then got chatting to handful of guys that i didn't know. 95% of these guys was generic hello, how are you, hows the gym bla bla bla... the picture incident was just a moment of insanity that i am and will always be truely sorry for.

I will be doing my dammedest (sorry for the spelling) to earn back his respect and trust and show him that the person that he fell in love with is infact the person he is seeing now.

I know it is hard to get advice online as you guys dont know me or him but my bf doesn't have many people to talk to which is hard for him. We will be back online in a few weeks to show you doubters that we are stronger than this and to all those who have faith (me included) that love can get through the hard times and best times in a relationship....

Chris....

I don't believe you. If it was as innocuous as you claim, why then were you not able to tell your bf the truth about it?

and he said it was from a football website and this guy saw that he was gay , and emailed him wanting advise as he was 41 and starting to have feeling for other guys.

he said he could not even remember taking then and that he was prob just testing out the camera on this new phone.

 

[SFMusic]

There are lies and there are LIES, and only you can decide if it is a deal breaker.

 

[albar05]

Hey guys,

Its Alan here, the original poster.

I just wanted to say a BIG thank you to all the people who have given me their advice.

I have taken everything on board, and thank you all .

Both Chris and I have spoken ALOT about what happended and i truely believe he is sorry, i HAVE to believe he is sorry . I Love him SOOOOO much and until that fateful weekend, would of probably bet my life of him never hurting me.

I truely believe he wants to make it right, maybe i am being naive , but he knows where i am right now, he has been hurt in the past , which suprises me as to why he would do it to me, i quess we all have moments of insanity , and do things we regret later.

For this i have to give him the chance to prove to me his loyalty and trust . I know by looking into his eyes that he wants to prove the evidence wrong.

Who knows why he did what he did, i still do not have any real answers, all i know is that today i am stronger then yesterday , and tomorrow i will be stronger then today.

I want to be open to forgive , and move on, he knows he has used his ONE chance up now and ANY more shit like this , i would not hesitate to kick his ass!!

So for my own sanity and becoz i believe that people are generally good deep down and do not really want to decieve and lie, i want to give him the time and space to prove to me that he can be the wonderful , amazing guy i fall in love with.

Thank you all again for your posts, they have helped , confused and given me so much to think about.

I will post back in a couple of weeks to let you know who is goes, i have total faith in us being happy again, my heart must remain open for awhile to give the good stuff chance to happen.

You all keep smileing and rember the following.......

Always follow your instincts, because that is where true wisdom manifests itself......

Alan
x

 

[Riverrick]

i quess we all have moments of insanity , and do things we regret later.

So true.

That's why I support you in staying and working on the relationship. I think we have to allow for "moments of insanity". Good luck!