Help with gender issue

[oreillyjohn28]

Hi, I've never posted here before but I've been a long-time lurker, and I have some worries I'd like your advice about.

I grew up in a very conservative area. I think deep down I've always known I was gay. I had many feminine qualities as a child, liked playing with girls, etc., but my parents forced me to do all the boy stuff (there was a lot of yelling and I was "scared into" liking boy stuff is the way I describe it). (And as a young child I remember asking my mother what being gay meant and she told me that my dad would "shoot me in my tracks" if I was gay.) I've always been sexually attracted to men and watched gay porn, but didn't acknowledge it to myself until last year (when I was 24). I've never been in a relationship or even really entertained the thought of being in one - I just kind of have never viewed myself in that way.

Anyway, since I came out to myself, I've been slowly trying to accept it, but there's been quite a bit of anxiety (nothing awful - it doesn't affect my work or anything, it's just always on my mind and I have trouble sleeping at night).

Anyway, a few months ago my mother and I were watching a show about a transgender F to M and my mom said "That's really sad. I keep thinking that something like that's going to happen to our family one of these days. Or somebody's gonna be gay or something." I didn't think much of it until 2 days later it hit me like a ton of bricks - maybe I'm not gay but transgendered. I've always found it odd that I'm ONLY attracted to straight men. And since I've come out to myself, I've gone to a gay bar and to non-porn gay websites and just don't feel like I fit into that community either.

But often I feel like this idea is preposterous. I've never felt like being a woman before a few months ago. And I still don't really think I desire to be one. It's almost like I'm forcing myself to want to be a woman. This may see odd, but I've always been somewhat of a hypochondriac - I always think I've got the disease somebody else does (once I went to the ER thinking it was a stroke but it was just a headache). My transgender feelings almost remind me of that - they don't really come up by themselves; they come up when I start thinking about them. It's almost like I don't desire to wear women's clothes or be one until I start thinking about it. It's almost like an obsession. But part of me thinks maybe I'm just in denial. And last night I had a dream where I gave a baby to a friend of mine, and I'm pretty sure I had given birth for them. It freaked me out.

Any thoughts? I'm starting to have quite a bit of anxiety about this...

 

[oreillyjohn28]

Sorry I just re-read that and it's kind of hard to see where I'm going with it. I'm just wondering if it's possible to have some sort of OCD where you think you may be transgendered but you're not (maybe brought on by anxiety?)

 

[justsimon]

I'd suggest finding a trans-friendly therapist.

 

[3x3is9]

I have felt the same way before. In my case, I suppose I thought it would be more 'normal' or 'acceptable' to change my gender to female then to be a guy who likes other guys.

Sexuality is a complicated thing. Thinking about it too much, and second guessing everything will just lead to a stroke, or a headache as the hospital will end up telling you These answers don't need to be realized over night, so just live your life while you wait for them to come.

 

[cliffdweller]

It sounds like something to work out with a therapist. It does strike me as being anxiety, rather than you actually being transgender, tho.

 

[hylas]

"only attracted to straight guys" is a problem many gay guys face if they had to grow up in hostile enviroments, like you did. it has to do with self-loathing. its not a sign of being transgendered.

of course, the possibility that you are transgendered remains. id say there is nothing in that post that suggests so, though. but anyway, if youre serious about it, you should talk to a therapist.

oh, and... i fucking hate your parents. i know you probably have trouble hating them as much as they deserve, because theyre still your parents. so let me hate them a little extra for you.

welcome to jub, girlfriend!

 

[Seasoned]

You might have grown up with the subconscious notion that all your problems would be solved if you were female. It would then be expected you'd like men, etc.

Always remember that your physical and emotional safety comes first in the coming out process. It seems as if your mother knows your gay based upon her comments.

I'm sorry things are difficult for you. Hopefully they'll get somewhat easier as you become more independent. Good luck to you.

 

[Comtemplation]

I've always found the whole, "only attracted to straight male" thing kinda weird. Like what is it about straight men over gay men that makes them that appealing? For me in most cases, the guys I'm attracted to just happens to be straight, and there's nothing attractive about the fact they don't like penis. :/

And IMO, try to find a friend or something to discuss your sexuality openly with. Having different perspectives may clear up confusions and misconceptions and may even lead to more self discovery.

 

[gavin89]

I almost feel the same way oreillyJohn... I knew I was gay since I was 13 years old - now I'm 22 - But a few months ago I started thinking "hey, maybe I wanna be a woman"...

and it is EXACTLY like you described.. I don't feel those things until I start thinking about them... It really does seem like I'm forcing myself to want to be a woman because it'd be easier than being gay.... Or maybe because I'd get to be with all of those hot straight men I keep fantasizing about....

I guess the one question you should ask yourself "are you willing to have your penis chopped off? Are you willing to look down there and find a vagina instead of it?"
cause that's what being a woman means....
best of luck

 

[Saltwash]

From what I've read, most transgender people have had the distinct feeling of being in the wrong body since they were young.
Many, MANY, gay men don't like gay bars. And being attracted to straight men is common. I wouldn't exclude the option, but I would certainly try living as an out gay man first.

 

[bankside]

Hi, I've never posted here before but I've been a long-time lurker, and I have some worries I'd like your advice about.

Hiyya, welcome aboard. I think anxiety comes from feeling rushed to figure this out, and obviously there is some family pressure too. Actually though, you have all the time in the world to figure this out.

I don't know why but over time, I've come up with a few strong opinions on this subject. I don't claim to know for a fact that my opinions are right, but at least I have thought about the issue.

Here's what I wrote in another thread on gender:

I just don't think its all that black and white. I agree that "masculine" and "feminine" are probably good overall labels for most people, but in my experience there is a huge range that blurs the borders.
...
I also have a whole bunch of thoughts on transgender gender-identity. Any transgender people I've actually met were coming from mostly working-class backgrounds but always where gender was strictly defined as either male or female. I think that kind of gender polarity forces some people to consider themselves as transgender just because some aspect of their personalities does not fit some aspect of the gender they're "supposed to be."

If we eased up on people and gave them respect for a bit of variety, there'd probably be a lot less need for surgery, and a lot of people who are just happy as they are.

Incidentally, when I've met MtF transsexuals, some have gone to such incredible lengths (surgically, socially, gender re-education so they can "pass.) to adopt the "opposite" gender it seems a) a bit forced for something that is supposedly innate within them, and b)in an incredible twist, the MtF folks I've met have been so extremein their drive to perfect their new female gender identity that it actually reminds me of a very typical male mindset, male drive for perfection, almost a competitive impulse to reach this goal of idealized femininity.

In a world where "men are men" and "women are women" it seems you get attitudes like your mom's. But in the real world, it's not that black and white. You don't have to reject who you are because you don't fit every category of who your mom thinks you're supposed to be. You're allowed to mix it up a bit. I don't believe in the idea of "the opposite gender." I think genders overlap quite a bit. Certainly there are trends that separate men and women....but it doesn't really separate them completely, it's just a nudge one way or the other.

The world is big enough to take people just as they are, as unique individuals.

Also, don't over analyze the idea just because you're into straight guys. 9 out of 10 guys are straight. That means, 9 out of 10 attractive guys that you've ever noticed and ever had a crush on were probably also straight. That's not in your head, that's just the way the math works out.

Another thing is, when gay men come out, they often didn't have a fun time up to that point. The straight guys seem more relaxed, more on top of things, more at ease with themselves. And that's because they are. They haven't just gone through 8 years of homophobic hell from the time their hormones kick in and they first realize they might be "one of those gays" to the time they finally come out and accept it. Most people don't come from families where they can just come out in junior high at the same time their friends are opening up about their crushes. And 8 or 9 years in the closet messes people up. It takes a couple of years of being out to shake that off. In the mean time though, the straight guys are just happy being themselves because they didn't have to go through all that, and that kind of contentment looks damn sexy.

The good news is, gay guys do shake it off, they do get past it, and they catch up. They turn out stronger for it.

Anway, all I can say is don't be too rough on yourself while you think about this stuff. Life's supposed to be fun, and if you give yourself a break, it will be. Trust that you'll figure it out when the time is right, and whatever your decision is, I hope you'll be on a path of happiness long before that decision, and long after it.