Help

[lhhtown]

Im new to the JUB forums, occasionally I look through different threads, and I enjoy what comments are left by the members. Ya'll crack me up and there are times were Im amazed at the advice you guys give. I just need some advice. You see im bisexual but more towards the gay side. I've never told anyone but once people get to know me, they catch on. I dont feel I give off a vibe but I must be doing things to set off people's gaydar. Im 26 years old and Im tired of family and people getting in my business. As to when will I get married, how come I have no kids. Why dont I talk about girls all the time. I dont know how to respond anymore. I come from a Latino family and I feel I could never come out. I dont want to imagine the things they would tell me. I have five brothers and one sister and Im the oldest. Whenever I argue with any of them including my father they always end up calling me a fag and damn it always hurts. My sister out all my family is the most homophobic. I figure one of her exes must have came out and thats why she's like that, lol. I dont know what to do anymore Im so fucked up. I want the happy life with kids and someone who loves me and I can love too, as cheesy as it sounds. But I see myself ending up being married to a girl with kids and hating my life. How can I know what I want when Im to afraid to try meeting guys. Theres so much more I want to say but thats its for now. Has anyone gone through this or is going through it. Thanks for any advice.

 

[HunterM]

From what you have written, it sounds like you're still in denial of your own sexuality. The first step is to know who you are and own up to yourself. You need to live for your authentic self and not for other people's expectations of you. That's the only way to free yourself from confusions.

I want the happy life with kids and someone who loves me and I can love too

You are gay...and not bisexual. There's no mention at all that you're attracted to women. From what you have written, it sounded like you want to get married to a woman only to have kids...to start a family. It does not sound like you are attracted to women. It does not sound like you want to love your future wife for who she is as a sexual woman...without kids. I could be wrong since I don't know you at all. But you really need to be honest with yourself. If you're not attracted to women, don't fool yourself into thinking so. Without honesty with yourself, you won't be able to make any progress with the anxiety you're feeling.

You can still have a family with a man that you love with your own sperms through surrogacy.

Why does it hurt when someone call you gay? If that is who you are, then that's who you are, right? You are a Latino. Does it hurt when someone call you a Latino? Of course not...because you know you are a Latino and you own up to it.

Know who you are. Live your authentic self. It will be less confusing and less anxious to make plans to move forward in life.

 

[HunterM]

Welcome to JUB!

 

[lhhtown]

Ive dated girls in high school, before but have never have had sex with any. I do get turned on by some and have had the occasional wet dreams about some and sometimes get turned on by the girls in straight porn. But yet im turned on by guys more. Like you said it might be me in denial and me being scared of what the future might hold for me if I ever do come out so I tell myself those things. Your right about why I shouldn't get offended when being called gay. But the way I see it is its not any other random person but my family calling me a fag and I know how bad there views on homosexuality are. With my mother being the exception as the years have passed shes been more acepting of the gay community but still tries to push girls on me. Thanks for the advice, I need to find out who I really am or just accept what I am.

 

[lonnie1]

I agree with Hunter M, but I want to add you are not alone. Thousands of other gay men have experienced what you are facing. Some stay in the closet, but society has become more accepting of gay people so many more are coming out. At first, it is awkward, but in the long run you will be a much happier person and not ruin the life of some poor girl when she finds out she married the wrong guy.

 

[Rolyo85]

I had the same "I want a straight life" problem before coming out. Guess how little that matters, compared to the freedom to be yourself and live without shame and secrets.

I'll say this - the family that loves you will change their preconceptions based on their feelings for you, not their feelings based on their preconceptions. And if they don't love you enough to do that, you don't need them in your life.

 

[HunterM]

With my mother being the exception as the years have passed shes been more acepting of the gay community but still tries to push girls on me.

If you are attracted to girls, you wouldn't mind your mom trying to "push" girls on you. Those are oppornities for you to date and have sex with girls. Trust me, they can be a lot of fun if you're attracted to them.

There are so many famous gay people that are very successful in their careers...living happily (Ellen Degeneres, Anderson Cooper, Neil Partick Harris, Elton John, Wanda Sykes, etc.) In your mind, do you believe that being gay is normal and not a shame? If you're living by yourself in a new city away from your family, would you be happier to be gay and be dating men openly? If you come out, what would happen to you? Would you lose financial support from your family? Would you lose your job?

You have to choose to live your own life. Being an adult, you have to choose your own happiness...not someone else's idea of what your life should be.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi lhhtown,

Welcome to JustUsBoys and congratulated that you have set this first step into accepting for yourself who you really are. Its good you have started with this topic, and you already got some good replies.

So you are 26 (living in the US?) and I tend to think that you should think about building up your own life, so without your family (and other homophobic people). It seems to me, that quite a few of your relatives have rather narrow-minded ideas. Good to hear that your mother has different opinions.

I have no idea if you are 100% gay or not, its only you who can decide this for yourself. Please don't ever try to marry a girl (and make childeren together with her) 'because your family is expecting that you provide them with grandkids'.

Towards my opinion, straight guys of around your age can also decide that they don't want to make kids (for whatever reason). You (= all guys of around your age) are an adult, and you must decide to get kids (or not). Besides that, you have alot of brothers, and likely at least one of them will get kids (in the nearby future). So no need to worry for your parents that they cannot play 'granddad & grandmom'. Their education is finished, and you are right now an adult. And adults make their own decisions.

So try to accept who you are, try to make -new- friends (girls and guys alike, straight or gay or whatever) who don't bother if people are gay or straight (or whatever) and built up a life withhout your homophobe relatives.

Do you live by yourself, or together with your parents?

Feel free to ask other questions as well.

Take care & good luck.

 

[Benvolio]

Your family treats you as gay, so they will probably treat you better if you tell them the truth, that you are gay. Emphasize that you did not choose to be gay, and you can no more change to be straight than they can choose to become gay. Tell them no one knows why some are gay, it just happens. It may be rough at first but you are their son and brother and they will quickly accept you. At least most families do.

 

[HunterM]

^ Good point. Tell them you're gay and you came from your parents' DNA. You didn't get to choose which DNA you want when you were born...just as you didn't get to choose to be a Latino or not.

 

[lhhtown]

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom, I appreciate the advice. I was driving with one of my brothers a couple of years ago and he told me just to come out the closet. But I was afraid. Im from Houston and we had gay pride a couple of weeks ago, another brother of mine asked me to go. He's married and has kids but said friends asked him to go. The main reason was because he heard lesbians flash people. He told my family he would go and the only person who had homophobic things to tell him was my sister. Like you guys wrote if they truly love me they will acept me. Lately Ive been thinking of coming out. I'll take it slow one person at a time, when I feel comfortable enough. Thanks again.

 

[HunterM]

The first step is to come out to yourself. Once you have accepted that (and not in confusion), you'll have the confidence to come out to your family and friends.

Best wishes!