He's 38, I'm 26

[theprojectzero]

Hey guys! Please bare with me as I needna get this off my chest because I haven't really talk to anybody about what happened. I wanna know what you guys think and perhaps gimme an advice that I could help to save what's left.

So I met this guy few months ago off an app, we chatted for quite awhile and then decided to meet up. I went over to his place for the first meet up, I didn't think much about it and I wasn't looking for anything beside just friends. We got on really well, I would tell him things about myself and he would tell me things about himself, the usual stuff. He's 38 and I'm 26, we had a lot in common. Nothing really happened, he sent me off to the train station. When I got back home, he text me that it was nice meeting me and stuff. The next day, we msged each other and I went over to his place after work which's ard 11pm something. We chatted until 12 which is getting kinda late and I don't want to bother him so I told him I should leave. He sent me to his door and hugged me before I left. When I got home that night, he msged me that maybe I don't like him and I told him that's not true. In fact, I was starting to fall for him, but just afraid to admit it.

The 3rd time we met, at his place again. We decided to cuddle over the movie, one thing lead to another I was pounding him in bed. Shortly after when we were done, I told him that I gotta leave because I've work the next day and I needna get up really early in the morning. In between days he would msg me sometime and kinda flirt with me. And the next thing I know I'll be at his place.

There was only once we've ever went out was a sunday, we wanted to go to the beach and somehow ended up doing shopping. It was a fun day and I remember every detail of that day. When we got back to his place, we cuddle on his sofa as we always do then he said "I miss you. And don't you like me?" and it was unexpected I remain quiet. We did our usual thing, went out for dinner and bowling, came back home and did it again. I slept over at his and left in the morning because I've work. Then I didn't see him until the following Sunday, I had a bad day at work and I worked until quite late. He msged me that he wanted to see me, he feels lonely and sad and he've something to tell me. I didn't tell him that I had a bad day, I just told him that I was really tired and had to work until late. I asked him what happened, he didn't say much. I think he just wanted me to be over at his, but because I wasn't feeling too great, I don't wanna bother him. Hence, I wanna be alone. I msged him the next day, it was as if last night nothing happened and I was worried to be honest. I saw him on Tuesday before his school reopens, where he'll be super busy with work, gym and school. I msged him, he doesn't reply much and I just thought maybe he's just busy. Then I bought him a t-shirt because I thought he might like it and he would also look great in it. I just wanted to see him right away and give it to him, but he said he's busy and I was being pushy which I think I am. We started to fall out from there and me falling deeper into him until we had a break from each other like a week or so.

I msged him how's he doing and stuff. Ultimately, I do care a lot for him and I wanna know how is he doing. We chatted a little and he asked me to go over to his and I did. Even though I told him that I think it's a bad idea, but I'm a sucker for the people I care about. After sex, I would somehow felt awkward and I thought maybe it's just me. I kept it all to myself and left in the morning, it kinda feel like a walk of shame somehow. I'll msg him from time to time and wanna see him, but he'll try to put me off that he's busy and I get pushy, and perhaps become needy too. I met him for a 2nd time and same thing happened. We had a fall out again and then we kinda stop talking for awhile. Last week, I msged him and he told me to stop msging him because he's at a place of his life that he can't be devoted and said I'm clingy.

I was very rejected that and I felt so stupid. To be honest, I just wanted to see him and I don't care what this is. I never wanted anything else from him, not even a relationship with him. I just wanted to see him. We both wish each other well in life in the end of the conversation, and we haven't spoke since then. And since then, I keep beating myself up over the loss of him and thinking of that day when we were out and thinking what he wanted to tell me that night. I don't know where did I went wrong!

I don't know what I want from him, all I ever wanted was him to be happy and we could still be friends. I still want him in my life because I've come to care about him a lot, not being able to msg him is killing me because I really wanna know how is he doing and I really wanna msg him so badly! He would only see that as clinginess. What can I do to save this friendship? I genuinely still want him as a friend in my life even though he kinda screwed me over. Will we ever be friends again? I don't wanna lose him in any other way.

 

[spooky]

It seems like there's been a lot of flip flopping going on in this thing between you two.
Its' no surprise that no one was happy in the end... I think you'd best be moving on now.

Oh, maybe you should figure out what you want from someone before jumping into a thing with them and let them now from the start.
Additionally, he kind of sounds manipulative... asking questions about whether you like him or not then accusing you of being clingy.

Anyway, best of luck with the next one.

 

[kallipolis]

It would appear from your synopsis that both of you are confused, and confusing one another.

Casual meetups are not friendships.

A much more measured approach whereby you agree to meet without a long term commitment might enable both of you to fashion a more mature understanding of what each of you is seeking from one another....for just perhaps neither he, nor you are currently interested in a committed monogamous loving relationship...if that turns out to be the case then an occasional sexual encounter might well be the ideal "relationship" which will determine your compatibility over a longer period...

 

[palbert]

You sound clingy and selfish. He sounds aloof, standoffish and selfish. Not a good mix, as you can tell. Time to develop another and more meaningful love interest.

 

[medic1]

It would appear from your synopsis that both of you are confused, and confusing one another.

Casual meetups are not friendships.

A much more measured approach whereby you agree to meet without a long term commitment might enable both of you to fashion a more mature understanding of what each of you is seeking from one another....for just perhaps neither he, nor you are currently interested in a committed monogamous loving relationship...if that turns out to be the case then an occasional sexual encounter might well be the ideal "relationship" which will determine your compatibility over a longer period...

You sound clingy and selfish. He sounds aloof, standoffish and selfish. Not a good mix, as you can tell. Time to develop another and more meaningful love interest.

Just this. Do not get yourself upset and worked up. The signs are all there for you to see. I wish you well....Adam....

 

[theprojectzero]

Thanks for the well wishes and the replies guys. I just hope some time down the road we'll be friends again somehow. Do you guys think that's possible? I don't hate him, I'm just extremely disappointed, but I gotta learn to understand and deal with it like a man.

 

[palbert]

Thanks for the well wishes and the replies guys. I just hope some time down the road we'll be friends again somehow. Do you guys think that's possible? I don't hate him, I'm just extremely disappointed, but I gotta learn to understand and deal with it like a man.

Best of luck to you. Shame this didn't work out.

 

[medic1]

Best of luck to you. Shame this didn't work out.

Seconded, you come across as a lovely guy. I hope you do find the right guy. Regards, Adam.....

 

[Seasoned]

Sometimes when things don't work out we don't get answers as to why not. Dating and/or hooking up is filled with unknowns and intangibles. You did nothing wrong and neither did he, but the confusion was caused by incompatibility and perhaps second thoughts and a lack of chemistry. Sometimes a desire to turn hook ups into a friend relationship is an attempt to assuage guilt. I'm not saying you're feeling guilty, but some people don't take sex lightly and many of us were raised to feel guilty about it.

It seems as though you had one date outside of his apartment and that gave you a hint of what a relationship would be like. It feels good to have a well rounded life with someone we're also sexual. At least, it does for me. Perhaps that's where your feelings are coming from. Maybe you'll look for that in the future. Patterns are set early and quickly. If you want more than sex try to mix things up early to make it seem more like dating, if that's what you need. Even if it ends up with sex you may feel better if you do some meeting up outside of an apartment or bedroom.

Try to let this go and learn what you need to learn. Best wishes.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just reading through the OP, it's difficult to get a fix on exactly what this was, what either of you wanted it to be and what went wrong. That confusion probably explains why it didn't work out. If you go into something without both people being really clear what they're looking for, it often ends with confusion and hurt feelings.

On one hand, you wanted a friend. Even with the expectation of just being friends, you had sex with the guy a few times but it wasn't really clear to either of you why you were having sex- whether it was that you were attracted to each other, whether you wanted to date, whether it was that you just wanted a FWB, whether it was... well... just because.

But somehow it has become something else. It's more like you're taking this as a personal rejection instead of being objective and realizing that there wasn't really much of anything serious too all of this?

 

[theprojectzero]

I've decided to write this letter to him, but I won't mail it out until sometime later because I wanna wait for sometime to let the dust settle down. And here's what I wrote. (Apart of me kinda feel silly though.)

Hello, Paul.

How have you been? I’m writing this to you because ever since we stop talking, I’ve been punishing myself everyday for what happened between you and me. I find it rather hard to forgive myself and move on. I know even though you told me it’s not my fault, but you’re just going through something. And I can’t help blaming myself everyday for frightening you away. I wish I could meet you in person to talk it through like the men that we are, but I just don’t know how to reach out to you anymore and this is my final resolution. The only way for me to finally move on is to write you this letter, hoping it’ll reach out to you and save what’s left of us. I don’t even know if this letter will ever reach you at all to be honest.

I’ve been thinking about you from time to time. Wondering if I’ll ever hear from you ever again and the thought of never again just kills me instantly. And I’ll find myself catching my breath. I know we’ve our differences and we’ve started off things the wrong way, but I’ve never once blamed you or hated you for what happened. I understand you’re going through something I don’t know about and I wish you would tell me what you’re going through because I’ll always be on your side. Of that you already know. The funny thing is I think you’re probably just as messed up as I am, but somehow I feel the need to save you. If I’m not wrong, I realise you get frightened when I care for you somehow. I think I kinda know what you’re going through even though you don’t want to talk about it, but I pay attention to little details. In fact, I would say we’ve a lot in common than we think we do. We just don’t talk about it, I guess. And I’m so, so sorry that I became too attached to you that it frightened you off. When I think of that every time, I just want to fall onto my keens and I wonder if I’ll also fall through the earth too.

I’m laying down whatever happened in between us was a mistake. I really want nothing more than to just hear from you again and us being friends again. This would really help me to move on because I do have genuine feelings for you and I think it’s rather regretful if we just ended where we ended. And I don’t want to live the rest of my life with this regret, but heaven, it’s beyond my control. I don’t really care for a lot of people, but you’re the one of the few that I care about and I’ll always be here for you. Ever since we stop talking, I didn’t know. I pray and I pray so hard to the universe that wherever you may be or whatever you may be doing, you’ll be finally happy. If you could only see through me, it’s all I ever wanted for you and I’ve never wanted anything else from you. Not being able to say this to you personally, I don’t know if ‘this’ will ever reach out to you and I hope whatever ‘this’ is will somehow watch over you. And someday you’ll suddenly stop upon your footstep, you’ll remember me and know that I’ll always be here for you, Paul.

Hugo

 

[eastofeden]

I think the letter serves it's purpose and you have to decide if you want to send it or not.....

Something is amiss and it doesn't look promising....

I would be curious what he wanted to tell you that night...could have been interesting....
"I love you"...or "I have a lover and we are experimenting with an open relationship"...or "I have a disease"....or....a zillion other things....

If I were in your shoes I would focus on what he wanted to say so it doesn't haunt you

 

[Conradjackmueller]

I'm surprised nobody said this because to me it's obvious but it sounds like he got scared.

I'm around his age and go for guys your age but have never acted on it. If he felt afraid he'd lose you and so you were in control of the relationship, he'd pull back - you did what he hoped in that you showed your interest but now he has lost respect for you - you seem needy.

So in short - this man probably isn't ready for this - maybe never will be.

But I hope things go well for you, man, I really do. Respect yourself and others will too. Personally I avoid hook ups.

 

[kibashyho]

yikes pal tell it *looks left*