He's going on dates with other people and I don't know what to do

[MysticTortoise]

So I met this guy almost a month ago, and we hit things off great. There's never really been any awkwardness between us, that sort of thing.

Now, almost a month later, I've decided that I want to make things official, as I'm tired of always having to tell people he's just a "guyfriend" or that we aren't technically together. I let him know that the next time we got together I wanted to ask him about something I had been thinking about.

That was Sunday, and we both worked Monday night, so I texted to ask if we were still on for Tuesday, our day off. He said, "I may. Going to be completely honest and say that I've been asked on a few dates this week. I'm not a slut, but kinda plaything the field, please don't feel bad."

He went on to say that I'm an amazing person, and definitely still in his sights. He then said, "Well, sir, I hope you have a good rest of the night. Find comfort in the fact that I do think you're an amazing man. I don't ever want to settle, and finally found more than one person that is kind in [city]. I'm very confused, and need a while to figure out what it is that I need."

He's 22, just finished college to teach middle school, and then the city throws a hiring freeze on new teachers. He's given me no reason not to trust him, and so I believe him when he says he's confused and trying to figure things out. He's at a major transitional period in his life right now. He said this was a new thing, and hadn't been going on the whole time we'd been seeing each other.

So my question is what do I do? I care about him deeply, the thought of him ending up with someone else kills me, but in the end I just want him to be happy. He said we could still spend time together, but what do I do? Pretend I'm ignorant of his other dates, and just hope they don't go well and he ends up wanting to be with me? I'm so conflicted by all this. I want to give him the time he needs but I'm afraid if I step back too far I'll lose him.

 

[Rolyo85]

Um, how do you care "deeply" about someone you've known for a month? You have no idea what this person is like yet. Also, "playing the field"? Really? You know what we call these people? Players.

Move on while you're not yet fully invested in this guy. He is not gonna be good for you, and if he had any relevant feelings, he'd not be looking for more options.

And don't delude yourself thinking you can be friends if he ends up with someone else. You won't be. That's not what you want, and it's not gonna work for you.

 

[bankside]

You can't lose someone you didn't know a month ago. You are only just beginning to get to know each other. And what you are finding out is that you and he have very different ideas about relationships and how to begin them.

 

[racer2438]

You can't know him that well in a month. What you may have a a big crush on him, and he is plain out telling you he has other dates, and he is playin the field. That right there tells you (let alone he is 22) he is young and still has a long time to have plenty of fun with other guys.

So your best bet is to not hold all your eggs in one basket on this guy. So either you just move on, maybe keep him a friend, or a friends w/benifits type thing.

But if you go all goo goo ga ga for him this will end real quick, as he is not ready for that.

but if you dont move on your going to feel all heartbroken, crushed, hurt and so on.

kinda like you feel now...so maybe you were ready to go bf, but he was not.

 

[ThatRandomGuy]

The two of you sound to be on different pages when it comes to relationships or settling down. I'd also recommend against becoming emotionally/physically involved on a relationship level if he's interested in seeing others or "playing the field" to say. Things are just starting out however, and over time you may get to know him better as a person. If the two of you are still interested in each other, ask him about being strictly monogamous with you so you don't end up being hurt and know where you stand.

 

[Seasoned]

It wouldn't be "losing" him. It would be losing the romantic fantasy of being with him. In a sense he's told you that he wants to play. Now, there are three questions: Will he ever want to settle into a monogamous relationship? Is he looking for something better than he might have with you? Will you be happy having him after he's gone through multiple guys only to possibly come back to you?

Wouldn't it be better for you if you continued to look for someone who was crazy about you from the get go? I think you deserve to see what that feels like. Good luck.

 

[MysticTortoise]

Yeah, I know I need to get over it and look for other people. It's just easier said than done.

I think given where I'm at, there's a whole lot of shady people when it comes to the gay community. It's tiresome trying to find someone who seems genuine, believe me, I've been through more than my fair share to find this guy.

I've had similar happen before, but this time it's more difficult I guess because of the circumstances. We've literally talked every single day, and there was a week where we were together every day in a row. It just came naturally, and we missed each other when we couldn't get together.

The more I think about it the more I'm considering the options though. It's been a while since he's been serious with anyone, and his last relationship lasted a couple years if I'm not mistaken. I suppose whether or not I'd take him back would depend on how long it takes him to get the "playing" out of his system. He's a good guy, and as I've said, they're not easy to come by around here. I have a lot more self respect than to sit around not doing anything for months hoping he's going to change his mind.

However, there is a part of me that feels like the way he had this conversation with me implied he wants to give me a chance, but can't seem to bring himself to settle down just yet, at least not with the attention he's been getting lately. He said most of it has come in the past couple weeks, which strikes me as a bit odd that suddenly he's a lot more interesting now that he's graduated and had a decent job lined up. Is it completely wrong to think that if dating around for him goes anything like it's gone for me in the past he'll end up realizing a week or two that most of the guys around here are looking for two things: sex and someone with money?

The more time I think about it the less emotions cloud my thought on it, but there's still something about the whole situation that wants to give him a chance. In the meantime, if someone else comes along and I end up with them then I suppose it's his loss. Time will tell, but I do appreciate the feedback so far.

 

[TX-Beau]

Modern kids are spoiled. What do I mean by that. A hundred years ago, hell 50 years ago, 22 was an age where you were married, working with a family to support. Society expected you to be settled down with a job and family by that age.

Modern kids are spoiled. No one thinks that's a very good idea anymore. Neither do I. Despite what others have said. He isn't an asshole for being totally honest with you. He'd have been an asshole if he made happy noises at you and let you think he was going to commit to you - before he dumped you. 22 is very young, it's only the start of being an adult, he doesn't have a lot of road under his feet, of course he's not sure what he wants.

It's unfortunate for you, yes, but you know what, he was honest about it.

You have to decide if what you're getting from him is worth what you're putting into it, no one can make that choice for you.

 

[MysticTortoise]

Modern kids are spoiled. What do I mean by that. A hundred years ago, hell 50 years ago, 22 was an age where you were married, working with a family to support. Society expected you to be settled down with a job and family by that age.

Modern kids are spoiled. No one thinks that's a very good idea anymore. Neither do I. Despite what others have said. He isn't an asshole for being totally honest with you. He'd have been an asshole if he made happy noises at you and let you think he was going to commit to you - before he dumped you. 22 is very young, it's only the start of being an adult, he doesn't have a lot of road under his feet, of course he's not sure what he wants.

It's unfortunate for you, yes, but you know what, he was honest about it.

You have to decide if what you're getting from him is worth what you're putting into it, no one can make that choice for you.

I'm almost glad you said that. I'm from a rather old fashioned family. We're a big family, but really close. I've got an older cousin who's married and about to have a baby, a younger one who's married and has a little girl and is bouncing around the idea of having another one, and two younger cousins who are engaged and will be married by this time next year. It's what I've grown up around my whole life, and it's hard to find people with a similar mentality, which makes things a bit more difficult. I'm ready to settle down, and based on the family average at 23 I'm running a bit behind already.

I'm very picky about who I'd even consider dating, and when I make a choice then I fall fast and hard. Sucks sometimes, but c'est la vie.

 

[HunterM]

Continue to date him...and other guys.

 

[looseliam]

He's just not that in to you.

DOn't hold your breath and move on.

 

[Telstra]

He made it clear that he want to have adult fun with other people.
Its up to you now if you only want fun with one partner or with many partners.

* Can't control what he want,
but you can control what you want.

 

[chance1]

one month is a short time for some - others not so much

you're ready to say "i do" as in exclusive dating - he's not

he's being honest with you and i love that - you mentioned shady guys and he appears not to be

if you really like him, keep dating him but try not to fantasize/hope about what you'd like to have happen

be yourself but be comfortable with the idea that he's dating other guys - you can choose not to go that route but why would you

good luck - feels here like you and he are on different vectors

but you never know (cliche) so hang in and don't dwell

 

[MysticTortoise]

Well I texted him today like always, and asked if I could call him when I got of work to talk for a minute. This is what I got:

"Okay, We hung for 3 weeks, and it was fun. The way you have acted this week has really creeped me out and made me not attracted to you like that any more. You're a really nice guy, but I think we should end things before things get ugly and peoples feelings get hurt more than they may now. I would really enjoy being able to go to your [job] and not be looked at like a baby killer."

I guess that's my answer. I sent him a message back telling him everything I had wanted to say in person, and I'll leave things at that for now

 

[chance1]

^ sorry to hear

but it's for the best - you may not think/feel that now - but you will

take care

 

[Just_Believe18]

Well I texted him today like always, and asked if I could call him when I got of work to talk for a minute. This is what I got:

"Okay, We hung for 3 weeks, and it was fun. The way you have acted this week has really creeped me out and made me not attracted to you like that any more. You're a really nice guy, but I think we should end things before things get ugly and peoples feelings get hurt more than they may now. I would really enjoy being able to go to your [job] and not be looked at like a baby killer."

I guess that's my answer. I sent him a message back telling him everything I had wanted to say in person, and I'll leave things at that for now

Hmm, it sounds like you've said some things that you didn't clarify here for him to make those comments about being scared off. Oh well. At least you enjoyed the time you had with him. In the future, try to be a little more casual about the dating situation until you have a mutual feeling of being at a deeper level in the relationship.

 

[MysticTortoise]

Hmm, it sounds like you've said some things that you didn't clarify here for him to make those comments about being scared off. Oh well. At least you enjoyed the time you had with him. In the future, try to be a little more casual about the dating situation until you have a mutual feeling of being at a deeper level in the relationship.

Eh, the only thing I did that could remotely be seen as creepy is attempting to have a conversation with his room mate about the situation. She and I were on what I thought to be friendly terms since I spent so much time at their house.

I thought we were at a mutual feeling of a "deeper level" but I guess I was wrong. Comments such as "I don't normally like when people do this" or "I miss you and want to see you too" and "you're such a good, amazing person, and you don't find those often" led me to believe something that wasn't true.

 

[Seasoned]

You didn't do anything wrong. He's looking for hook ups and fuck buddies and you're looking for a relationship. I think it's good you were both honest about it. I'm wishing you all the best.