He's out, I'm not..uh-oh

[Kitesurfboi]

So I met this guy, he is amazing, great personality, a lot of fun, fairly str8 acting (does have some tells but I'm not sure if its just becuase I'm gay I notice them lol) plus he is seriously hot, gorgeous face and body and such great style. As soon as I saw him I was like whoa he's way out my league, but apparently not lol.
So anyways, we both work in a uber masculine industry so neither of us would ever consider coming out at work, however he's out in every other area of his life. Trouble is I'm not, no-one knows, non of my friends and definately none of my family and I'm very str8 acting (He keeps making fun of me for being such a bad gay lol). So the thing is I feel bad, I was super uncomfortable in the pub on our first date incase anyone guessed and the next time we hung out I had to close the blinds in my apartment so no-one would see us snuggling on the sofa (ground floor on apartment on a busy street) and I felt really bad about that. He said he was fine with it but I told him I felt awful because I felt I was disrespecting him. Its early days so far but I'm already getting worried that he will get fed up with me keeping him secret, but I'm just not ready yet. I only came out to myself a couple months back. What can I do

 

[bluepheonix]

I'd talk to him kite, let him know where you are with coming out, how your dealing with it, that you just came out to yourself a couple of months back, what your worried about in the prospect of coming out etc. You obviously feel that its not alright to go around indefinitely as your 'friend,' so I'd really work on getting to where you feel you need to be to come out, maybe let him help you, but if you really like this guy make it clear that you really intend to come out, but are just not ready yet.

 

[kramer362]

I'm curious how the two of you started seeing each other if you aren't out at all? And he might be ok with it for now, but if the two of you both want a long term relationship (or at least are considering the possibility) and you make zero steps to come out at all it will not work.

 

[CaliBoy601]

I'm curious how the two of you started seeing each other if you aren't out at all? And he might be ok with it for now, but if the two of you both want a long term relationship (or at least are considering the possibility) and you make zero steps to come out at all it will not work.

I'd kind of like to know that as well

But as to your dilemma, just seriously talk with him. Perhaps ask him about his coming out experiences to his friends first of all. That is definitely who I came out to first. It really brings your friends closer to you, and it also lets you know who isn't your friend, sadly But maybe listening to his stories could help boost your confidence in yourself to come out to YOUR friends and who knows...possibly your family!

Good luck!

 

[cityboi]

All of the previous advice is great. I just re-acquainted with a bi buddy who is more willing to express himself in public than I am. Maybe that's because he's so butch and can defend himself in any situation. Go with your buddies openess and feel free to express yourself.

 

[hotlatinchulo348]

Not sure why I think this but I have always wanted to find someone else that is secretely into guys like me and doesn't mind that we both aren't completely open about it. That way we wouldn't have to feel like we were disrespecting eachother and we would be on the same level. Of course, the ideal form of this is if we were both out and proud... but where's the fun in that? haha

As for your situation I would just give it some time. Don't stress too much. If it really bugs him, believe me, he WILL let you know. Gay or Bi guys don't take pleasure in forcing someone out. I wouldn't and if they did that would be fu**ed up.

 

[KaraBulut]

When we talk about "coming out", we're talking about a process not a destination. You have gotten the worst part over in that you are able to refer to yourself as "gay" and you have found someone to lay on the couch and be gay with.

But you can see from the difference in the two of you that "being out" is a very individual thing. Your boyfriend is comfortable being out everywhere except work. You are not yet ready to be out anywhere except in your home, in private.

Some clarifications:

If you are having a personal moment with another person and the blinds are open, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable about closing the blinds. Unless you're the type that enjoys putting on shows for the neighbors and passersby, of course you should close the blinds.

Being on a date with another guy or even being out in public with a more flamboyant gay friend is a bit uncomfortable when you're just beginning to come out. In most places, unless you're holding hands or making a scene, nobody really gives a shit. Straight guys have all these weird rules about not eating off each other's plates and not sitting side-by-side in public, but unless you live in the Bible Belt, no one else really pays any attention to this stuff. In time, you'll get over these feelings. One thing that helps is to go to places that are more gay-friendly so that you can relax and not be paranoid about it.

Volcom already commented on the difference between straight-acting and masculine, so I won't chide you on that, too.

What is next for you? Well, it's time you thought about where this "coming out journey" is going to take you next. It's not the blinds or the pub that is the issue. The issue is that you have found a really nice guy who really seems to like you but you can't share that with any of your friends or family because you're not out to them. And that's really where the problem will come.

If you want this guy to hang around, he needs to be a part of your life. While it's fun to have him in your living room and bedroom, if you want this relationship to progress you're going to have to start integrating these different pieces of your life.

So, ask yourself this.... if you were straight and you met a girl that you really liked, how would you go about introducing her to your friends and family? There's nothing special about being gay- it's really the same thing. You start with friends that you think will hit it off with your boyfriend and you tell them a) you're gay and b) you want them to meet your boyfriend.

If this relationship becomes serious and long-term, then you start expanding that group of friends and family to include your boyfriend into the rest of your life- just like you would a serious girlfriend or a fiancee'.

You've got a lot of little compartments in your life right now because you're not very far out of the closet. It's time to start getting rid of those little compartments and letting some of the people in your life get to know you. The boyfriend is just accelerating a process that needs to happen anyway.

 

[Kitesurfboi]

Ok so first off apologies for the str8 acting comment, I'm new please forgive me

Secondly we got talking through a local chat room, then swapped MSN and talked for a few weeks and we'd swapped photos. He works in the same town as me and I went to the grocery store at lunch time. I was wandering round the aisle minding my own business and I rounded the corner and saw him. I reckonised him instantly, mumbled hi whilst simultaneously tripping over the corner display, he just looked confused. I was shaking and thinking I'd made such a cock of myself. He sent me a txt saying were you the weirdo who just stared at me. The later he said you're cute maybe we should go for a drink after all. So we agreed to meet in a pub near the movies, except we never made the movie, just chatted and drank, then we moved his car up by my apartment so he didnt have to paypark and I was a little drunk so when we got out of the car I grabbed him and kissed his face off right on the street infront of my house. He pulled away and said "there's people at down the street" and I said "so?" and kissed him again.

He knows my situation, being new and not out and I do want to come out, just not ready yet. I feel I'm doing good so far, just want to take baby steps but like him I'd never comeout at work. Friends would be ok I think, maybe, family would be really hard. Its only been 2 weeks, I guess I'm just panicing a bit cos I like him and dont want him to go

 

[leprecon182]

Hey Kite,
I know exactly what you are going through because I am in almost the exact same situation myself. I only came out to myself this past January and I am not out at all to my family yet. However, my bf of 6 months is 100% out. In the first few weeks of our relationship I was just as scared as you. We even got into a few arguments because I didn't believe him when he told me he was ok with me not being out. The great thing is, he really doesn't mind. He cares for me enough and knows I care so deeply for him that we work together to get me ready to come out.
All I can suggest to you is not to over think or over analyze the situation. We are both so so SO lucky to have such understanding men in our lives, so trust in him and work with him. Good luck and keep us posted we are also all here for you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Ok so first off apologies for the str8 acting comment, I'm new please forgive me

No offense was taken but it's important to let you know that the term straight-acting is like fingers on a chalkboard for some gay people. And besides, being gay is about being attracted to men, not about acting.

He knows my situation, being new and not out and I do want to come out, just not ready yet. I feel I'm doing good so far, just want to take baby steps but like him I'd never comeout at work. Friends would be ok I think, maybe, family would be really hard. Its only been 2 weeks, I guess I'm just panicing a bit cos I like him and dont want him to go

You're correct but if this continues to move foward (and it sounds like it may), then you need to think about whether it's worth the energy to keep everything separate.

Plants don't grow well in closets and neither do relationships.

 

[Fishstix]

If you're still young, don't come out just for a guy, wait until you're ready. If he tells you either break up or come out, just break up.