He's really confusing me...

[wanker90]

So I just had the most interesting discussion with my roommate earlier. For some reason I feel like he slightly "came out" to me. I never had had any doubts about his sexuality up until today, but our relationship always has these twists and turns. If anything, I've always valued his friendship and nothing more. I've admitted in a thread before that I once had a small crush on him when we first met (Freshmen year) But that was a year ago and those feelings went away once he assured me he was straight. It's not like he came right out and said "Btw, I'm straight so don't get any ideas!" but more of he told me about his ex girlfriend from when he was in high school. Then that following month (October 2011) I came out to him and he was completely supportive and told me this would only make us closer. As the months went on, I became increasingly socially reclusive and to myself so I didn't really expand relationships outside the dorm. He was literally the only friend I've made thus far at university. Fast forward one year later and I'm still the same loser with no friends. Junior year steadily approaching and I'm realizing my college career is going exactly as my high school year went: Lone wolf with no friends and no purpose in life.

I didn't really think much of anything when he wanted to take me out to my first gay club on Friday. I didn't really enjoy the atmosphere but it was fun getting out and not being stuck inside. I'm not saying straight guys can't want to go to a gay club, but I just found it unusual he wanted to take me. Noooooow on Sunday he's told me that he "kinda sorta" has these feelings for me but he's not gay or bisexual. I didn't it coming but when he said it I felt sort of happy and anxious at the same time. Even though he doesn't wanna subscribe to any labels I still feel like he's deeply closeted. Maybe he'll never admit it but he told me has feelings for me and that's not something a straight guy says. Now it feels like nothing will ever be the same again. We haven't spoke since he told me and he went downstairs to "work on" his paper. I'm dreading the moment when he comes walking through that door because now he's tainted our relationship and things will never be the same again. I'll keep it real and admit, yeah, I kinda am attracted to him and always have been but I put those feelings behind me a year ago and now it's all coming back. And next year he's moving into a suite with other people so I'm still trying to cope with losing him eventually.

 

[refujiunderground]

you're doing a confirmation bias as you have a crush on him. stop while you're ahead.

i would encourage you to go to somebody such as a therapist, psych, or whoever to work on the issues you have on yourself and stop trying to drag someone else down with you. you have a problem and it's going to get worse with age. i'm telling you as someone who has been through it. you gotta get comfortable, love, and work on yourself first before you can help or reach out to anybody else.

 

[MoufOfKhaos]

Yeah, this is going exactly where I thought it would be going.

I'm either a psychic or a cynic.

 

[oakpope]

Why am I reading this as a carefully planned scenario ?

 

[oakpope]

By who?

Good question.

 

[oakpope]

^ Answered in comment. The thread is no flame now that it was transfered.

 

[cockbrain]

you're doing a confirmation bias as you have a crush on him. stop while you're ahead.

i would encourage you to go to somebody such as a therapist, psych, or whoever to work on the issues you have on yourself and stop trying to drag someone else down with you. you have a problem and it's going to get worse with age. i'm telling you as someone who has been through it. you gotta get comfortable, love, and work on yourself first before you can help or reach out to anybody else.

Second the motion!

 

[seven2go]

WHAT are you dreading?.......
He told he likes you........even a little more than just "like".
YOU like HIM.........even a little more than just "like".
WTF is the problem?.......
Be his FRIEND for crying out loud and let your new friendship grow......don't poison the whole relationship.......

 

[legend145]

It's just so ironic that you had the feelings he is feeling right now but he actually admitted it to you. What horrible timing as well. He is leaving and decides to tell you he has feelings for you. Edit: Actually that makes sense. Since he probably won't see you as often he probably felt he had to put his feelings out there.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi wanker90,

I was wondering if this was the first time for your friend to visit a gay club. I tend to agree with post #6 of AWP82. So maybe your friend can also have some feelings for guys, who knows. Maybe you should try to talk open and honest to him. I mean, he is fully aware that you are gay, and he is very supportive. So he seems to me a guy who does not bother if guys are gay, straight or anything in between. And I tend to think that you might also try to discuss abit more with him about his ideas about girls, eg why he has no girlfriend for already quite a long time, what kind of girls he is interested in, etc.

So I can imagine myself very well that you feel abit confused, but I tend to think that you should also realize that there is a broad grey area between gay and straight. Maybe your friend felt himself very comfortable and relaxed when he was visiting the gay club together with you, who knows?

Anyway, take your time, and I hope you soon will be able to visit the gay club, and together with him.

Take care and feel free to react / ask additional questions.

 

[Seasoned]

Take some risks in what time is available in college. You adding a new day of regret everyday that you don't try something different. It's time for a club or hobby. You could try volunteering backstage in the tester department, for example. It's time to meet some people.

If something should develop with your roommate don't let it further isolate you b

 

[anchihiro]

You know there was nothing stopping you going to move in with him and his other friends in his next house. You still could. But if you do i'd be weary of acting on these feelings. He's you're only friend and if things get awkward you could lose him, and then where would you be. I suggest you socially branch out as much as you can, so if you two do decide to change your relationship you'll have others to fall back on.

 

[wanker90]

Hey everyone. I'm going back to Dade City later on today because my grandmother's really ill. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday, feels like I'm walking on egg shells. I don't want to make the first move and have it blow up in my face.

 

[Seasoned]

I hope your grandmother is able to recover.

It's usually best to follow one's instincts.

 

[KaraBulut]

Now it feels like nothing will ever be the same again. We haven't spoke since he told me and he went downstairs to "work on" his paper. I'm dreading the moment when he comes walking through that door because now he's tainted our relationship and things will never be the same again.

In Oct 2011, you told him a secret about yourself- that you were gay. He supported you and has been your friend since then.

Now in Dec 2012, he tells you that even though he's straight and he considers you a friend, he had some attraction to you. Your response to his secret is to avoid him and say that he's tainted the relationship.

See the difference there?

It's not unusual for straight friends who are very close to have very complicated feelings toward each other. Guys who have very close friendships can have some confusion about their feelings- it's very hard to compartmentalize feelings.

But this isn't really about his feelings. It's about your feelings. And it's about the fact that you're falling back into old patterns of not socializing and meeting other guys who can be more than just your friend.

You have a few weeks off from school to do some thinking about how you want to change things when you return in January. Accept your friend's honesty. Accept that it's a friendship and that trying to make it more than a friendship puts it at risk. Do some thinking about how to get out and socialize and meet other gay people. Do some thinking about how to break the loner pattern that you've fallen back into so that you don't put undue expectations on your friend.

PS Hope your grandmother is better.

 

[Appleman34]

Hey everyone. I'm going back to Dade City later on today because my grandmother's really ill. I haven't spoken to him since yesterday, feels like I'm walking on egg shells. I don't want to make the first move and have it blow up in my face.

Excuse me, but sweetheart.... what's the problem? If someone told me that they have feelings for me, gay or straight, I'd be flattered and would ENJOY the compliment. It doesn't seem like you're enjoying this at all. I'd hate to see when someone insults you.

In the moment, you should've asked him to elaborate. "What kind of feelings?" That would've clarified if it was a just a strong bond or romantic feelings. Then you should've told him your feelings.

Going back on it now risks him brushing you off and pretending they're just friendly feelings. So either wait for him to bring it up again, or take the risk.