Hi Everyone!

[quartz]

Hi Guys,

I'm a 21 year old male from good old New Zealand, and it's my first time posting here (although I've been a frequent visitor for about a year now).

A bit of background about me - I grew up with 3 sisters (one is married, one is engaged and one is in a stable relationship with her boyfriend). I have always known, in my heart of hearts, that I'm gay. But I think my acceptance of this within myself has been a bit of a stumbling block. I've always been single, although recently have been on some dates, with women, to test the waters (and to confirm my suspicions). I've never felt sexually attracted to women - not even the slightest bit. I see them as just friends, basically as I would about guys if I were straight.

I've only recently started to truly come out, and also come to accept myself for who I am. About 2 years ago (start of 2010), I first approached my youngest sister (who I'm closest with), and revealed the news to her. She was amazing with it, was so accepting and being so strong-willed, she helped me out a lot. Then it came to telling my mother next - she didn't take the news too well, but eventually realised it took a lot of courage for me to tell her. I felt obligated to try and date women, to be absolutely positive as to my sexuality.

About a week ago, I realised that it was time to stop lying to myself, and I approached my youngest sister. She was just as supportive as before, and as a result, my sister helped me tell my second oldest sister, along with both of their boyfriends. They have all been incredible, all extremely supportive of me - their unconditional love has been such a help.

So, my next stage is to tell my oldest sister, and also my parents, which I worry is my biggest challenge. My parents are the most amazing people in the world to me (along with my 3 beautiful sisters), and they are so proud of me, so I feel I'm disappointing them - but it's definitely helpful to have more people know, so that I can stick with it and not lie to myself again. It will help keep me strong and aid the process of coming out to my loved ones.

Just a quick introduction, as my first post here, and a bit of a hello; I'll see you all around at some stage! You all seem like awesome and very supportive people.

Steve

 

[HunterM]

Welcome to JUB Steve!

Since you already have strong support from your two sisters and their boyfriends, ask them to come with you when it's time for you to come out to the rest of your family. Strength in numbers for support, you know. Your parents may get upset initially. Just remind them, "As amazing parents, you want your children to do well and live a happy and fulfilled life, right? This is what I'm doing now...to live a happy and fulfilled life on my own."

Good luck man!

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Steve,

First of all, welcome to JUB and good you have created your own profile. I agree with #2 that it is very good for your own self esteem that your sisters are supportive.

I would like to advise you to realize yourself that there is no way you will 'disappoint' your parents by telling them that you are gay.

I think that you would disappoint them much more when you would decide to spend the rest of your life as a 'closet case guy who is sad, depressed, and is often lying to people around them when they ask about girls, and who has to hide it to anyone when he has sex with another guy'.

Hey man, you want to have a happy life, and live as a relaxed guy who happens to be gay. And a guy who does not care that people around him are aware that he is gay. And that's all what counts for your parents. Your parents will need time to realize that you can only become happy (and relaxed, and so on) when you are not lying / hiding anymore about the 'real Steve'.

I would like to wish you good luck with telling your parents you are gay. I think you did it very well to tell it first to your siblings, as you can incorporate their reactions when talking with your parents.

Over here, there are alot of friendly guys of around your age (eg, Benderboy) who like it very much to become friends with you, and to discuss all kind of items with you.

Feel free to ask more questions, or to react.

Best wishes.

 

[Rolyo85]

Welcome It's good that it's going well. Having a supportive family is crucial while coming out.

I just want to point out that all of my close friends are straight guys. You don't have to fit the gay stereotype and only be friends with girls. I mean, we're all in the business of guys, right?

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to the forum. You are on your way! Try not to link your sexual orientation with the word disappointed as you come out to your parents. Decent, kind and caring parents want happy, productive children. You may be disappointed as a stage of coming out to yourself but don't project that on to your parents. With acceptance of same sex relationships and child rearing within those relationships it's a new world from the time I was your age.

Good luck to you. I love your country, by the way. I was there in '94. I have friends in New Plymouth, but I got to travel everywhere.

Take care and good luck to you.

 

[quartz]

Thanks everyone for the support! It's great to have a supportive community like this along with the support I've been getting already.

BENDERBOY - looking forward to getting to know you better too!

HunterM - My sisters have been saying the same thing about support in numbers - my sisters and their boyfriends are supportive of me and more than willing to be there for me when it comes time to tell my parents. It's making me very excited to know I'm finally going to be able to live the life I know I truly want - not some lie.

Ganoderma - Thanks so much! And so true, it's only disappointing if I continue perpetuating the lie of being straight that I was previously.

Rolyo85 - Thanks! And I have friends that are guys, but they I haven't come out to them yet - doesn't help that they're at the other end of the country where I plan to move once I graduate at the end of this year, and I don't get to see them very often! I find it so much easier to talk to girls, but that's a given since I've grown up with sisters and am very close with them.

Seasoned - Thanks! It's so true - I've realised that the disappointment would be in continuing to lie about my sexual orientation. Deep down I know my parents will be very supportive of me, but I still can't help but get the worrying feeling that things might go wrong - I'm just that sort of person, always worrying! I never really thought of it from that perspective - I think that's because of too many bad movie and TV stereotypes about coming out, and the parents being 'disappointed'! Nice to have you guys as another sounding board and perspective.

It is a lovely country isn't it? Such beautiful scenery, especially parts like the Desert Road and the beautiful mountains - really inspiring! I've lived here since I was 1 and have always loved it. I've seen your very helpful contributions on this site many a time, so thanks for the helpful advice.

Looking forward to getting to know you all better!

Steve

 

[HunterM]

Best of luck Steve! Keep us posted...'cause I'm very nosy

 

[quartz]

Best of luck Steve! Keep us posted...'cause I'm very nosy

Absolutely, will definitely keep you all posted! One of my best friends that I haven't seen in a while is coming down for the weekend, and I feel it would a great time to tell her - I already know she'll be accepting as her brother is also gay, so that will help me build more courage to approach my parents I think.

 

[palbert]

Welcome Steve. Your positive experiences will help others in "coming out." Good luck telling the remainder of your family. Lewis

 

[wikke1]

I feel like I really need to answer, cuz my situation is quite similar to yours.

I have 3 sisters aswell.
Always felt like "being the only son" made it harder to come out to my parents.
I did it in december 2011. Told my younger sister (via MSN!) first, and then told my parents that same day.

While I really really don't regret telling them, I kinda regret the way I did it.
i.e. I was very very emotional, crying, telling them as if I were telling them I had an incurable disease.
Now I feel like I should have been more calm and collected and confident. But I guess I wasn't ready for state of mind yet. I feel you are though, which is great!

I can only tell you that it's highly likely that your parent's reaction will be very loving.
Maybe the thought has crossed their minds already? Maybe not?
In any case, you'll feel better after sharing with your parents. It might take them a little time to "get used to it", but it will all work out.

All the best to you!

 

[quartz]

I feel like I really need to answer, cuz my situation is quite similar to yours.

I have 3 sisters aswell.
Always felt like "being the only son" made it harder to come out to my parents.
I did it in december 2011. Told my younger sister (via MSN!) first, and then told my parents that same day.

While I really really don't regret telling them, I kinda regret the way I did it.
i.e. I was very very emotional, crying, telling them as if I were telling them I had an incurable disease.
Now I feel like I should have been more calm and collected and confident. But I guess I wasn't ready for state of mind yet. I feel you are though, which is great!

I can only tell you that it's highly likely that your parent's reaction will be very loving.
Maybe the thought has crossed their minds already? Maybe not?
In any case, you'll feel better after sharing with your parents. It might take them a little time to "get used to it", but it will all work out.

All the best to you!

Thanks! That's exactly how I feel. I'm also one of only two sons who can 'carry on the family name', so I think that makes it harder for me too. That's how I felt when I first told my Mum - I felt as though I wasn't emotionally ready for it, but now I feel like I'm in a much better headspace. And with all your supportive comments, it is really helping me understand who I am, and I'm feeling a new found confidence in me.

I found that with two of my three sister's boyfriends (one doesn't know just yet) - they all had a suspicion, so that made it easier for me personally. It made me feel more accepted than if they hadn't suspected it at all.

Welcome Steve. Your positive experiences will help others in "coming out." Good luck telling the remainder of your family. Lewis

Thanks! It's so awesome to be a part of such a positive and supportive community here at JUB.

Steve

 

[Ganoderma]

One of my best friends that I haven't seen in a while is coming down for the weekend, and I feel it would a great time to tell her - I already know she'll be accepting as her brother is also gay (..).

hi Steve,

Thanks for your nice and friendly replies.

You gave in this quote a good reason why people in your surroundings (like this friend) will not change their opinion about you when it becomes clear to them that you are gay. Well, because you are not the first. This girl has a gay brother, and alot of people have friends / aquaintances / relatives / co-workers / fellow-students who are gay. So you are not the only one.

Maybe your sisters and their partners also have one or more gay co-workers / fellow-students / aquaintances, meaning that you are just another one. And anyone in your surrounding will be aware that you are 'not much into girls', meaning that some of them will also have thought about it why this is the case. Meaning that some people might already have some suspicions that you might be gay.

Finally, getting childeren (children bearing the name of your parents) is not a decision that grandparents (=your parents) can make. Their education / responsability is finished when you are an adult.

Nowadays, there are quite a few straight couples who don't want to get childeren, and such a decision is solely made by them (and not by the grandparents).

I would like to wish you good luck in telling both of your parents that you are gay. So you have already told your mom, but then you have somehow promised her to date some girls?

Take care and keep us informed.

 

[chrisw87]

Quartz, I know exactly how you feel regarding the disappointment thing.

I feel coming out as Bi (well the gay side of bi) would be a bit of a disappointment to my parents. I feel I am their best chance at giving them grandchildren but recently they have also mentioned that they don't think they will get any for a while

Welcome to the forums and have fun here, it is a great environment with many great people that you will come to love (and hate )

P.s. When can some of us Aussie JUBbers start the NZ'er jokes?

P.s.s It is good to hear you seem to have a good relationship with some of your sisters, I am assuming you have a tougher time with your oldest? If that is the case, I would understand. My sister is my only sibling and has the stereotypical older sibling personality problems. Mostly she made my life hell from an early age, but adulthood has made her a bit more humble (still a bitch to parents and I though but we talk more). Thankfully from my side, although she is Christian, I do suspect she is a raging lesbo though, hasn't had a boyfriend since a few weeks worth in highschool.

 

[quartz]

Quick update - the friend I mentioned (who was visiting for the weekend) was only here for a few hours, and we had so much catching up to do that I didn't get a chance to tell her. I think it's for the best as I thought that it would be best to tell my whole family first - would be great to have all of their support in the first instance!

Quartz, I know exactly how you feel regarding the disappointment thing.

I feel coming out as Bi (well the gay side of bi) would be a bit of a disappointment to my parents. I feel I am their best chance at giving them grandchildren but recently they have also mentioned that they don't think they will get any for a while

Welcome to the forums and have fun here, it is a great environment with many great people that you will come to love (and hate )

P.s. When can some of us Aussie JUBbers start the NZ'er jokes?

P.s.s It is good to hear you seem to have a good relationship with some of your sisters, I am assuming you have a tougher time with your oldest? If that is the case, I would understand. My sister is my only sibling and has the stereotypical older sibling personality problems. Mostly she made my life hell from an early age, but adulthood has made her a bit more humble (still a bitch to parents and I though but we talk more). Thankfully from my side, although she is Christian, I do suspect she is a raging lesbo though, hasn't had a boyfriend since a few weeks worth in highschool.

Yeah, that's how I feel. But the more and more I think about it, the more I know they'll support me no matter who I am. After all, I'm still the same old Steve - I haven't changed!

I think I'm going to enjoy my stay here. And feel free to start the jokes - I'm sure myself and the fellow NZ'ers will have some worthy comebacks!

Yeah, my oldest sister is more like my Mum, and since my Mum didn't take the news so well the first time around, it has made it harder to tell her.

hi Steve,

Thanks for your nice and friendly replies.

You gave in this quote a good reason why people in your surroundings (like this friend) will not change their opinion about you when it becomes clear to them that you are gay. Well, because you are not the first. This girl has a gay brother, and alot of people have friends / aquaintances / relatives / co-workers / fellow-students who are gay. So you are not the only one.

Maybe your sisters and their partners also have one or more gay co-workers / fellow-students / aquaintances, meaning that you are just another one. And anyone in your surrounding will be aware that you are 'not much into girls', meaning that some of them will also have thought about it why this is the case. Meaning that some people might already have some suspicions that you might be gay.

Finally, getting childeren (children bearing the name of your parents) is not a decision that grandparents (=your parents) can make. Their education / responsability is finished when you are an adult.

Nowadays, there are quite a few straight couples who don't want to get childeren, and such a decision is solely made by them (and not by the grandparents).

I would like to wish you good luck in telling both of your parents that you are gay. So you have already told your mom, but then you have somehow promised her to date some girls?

Take care and keep us informed.

That's so true, my older sister (of the two I've already told) said she knows people from her Uni who were gay (and who she remains close with), and even close co-workers who she's talked to (in confidence) about it and who are thrilled for me. So it feels like it's really coming together. And of the people I've told, the two boyfriends had a suspicion I was gay already, which I feel actually made me feel better!

Yeah, I told my Mum about 2 years ago (after telling my younger sister the first time around), and she didn't quite know how to take it - so I said I'd try and date girls to see how I went, which ended up helping confirm the fact that I was gay - a fact I'd known all along.

Steve

 

[quartz]

Hi Guys,

I'm back after a bit of a hiatus! I have now told my eldest sister, who was absolutely fine with it. And her fiance now knows too - he overreacted a bit at first, but he seems to be fine with it now.

I have also told two of my friends - one who is my best friend and lives overseas. She was so proud of me for telling her, and is very happy for me - which I was worried about, especially because of her religious background. Now that I've told two friends as well, it feels like a weight has really been lifted.

Thanks for the support you guys have given me on this forum, I really appreciate it!

Steve

 

[Seasoned]

Hi Steve,

I just want to say congratulations. It's good to be out and to start having direct support. Best wishes and thanks for sharing.

 

[HunterM]

A BIG CONGRATS to your courage Steve!

Life is much better because you're free to be yourself! WAY TO GO! Feel free to participate in other forums for us to get to know you. Don't be a stranger around here.