Hi, It's Me, I'm The Problem.

[amwao1]

I've been on a bit of a "dry spell", by which I mean it's been nearly 11 years since I hooked up with anybody.

And it's not been through lack of trying, I'm on all the apps and stuff but I just get zero interest. Even when I used to go out to clubs and stuff, I never got any interest.

People have said because where I live is fairly remote, which I didn't entirely believe but it was nice to put it down to something that didn't make me feel like I was built wrong. But tonight I went out with some friends and one of them spent most of the night chatting to guys on Grindr. So I can no longer put it down to location. Not to mention that this friend is younger and thinner than me which makes me feel like those are a problem (given that aging and body image are two major problems in the gay community).

This isn't me saying this in an incel-y kind of way. I don't expect people to be attracted to me because I think I'm amazing. But the lack of interest just makes me feel worthless, like I'm going to die alone.

And diverting slightly from hook-up culture, I've never had a relationship. I'm 34 and I've never had a relationship. I've never met anybody who has got to that age and not had even a brief romance or teenage fling. But I've had nothing. And people say they understand but they don't. You can't compare being single for a few months to being single for your entire life, to literally never having anybody who thought you were worthwhile.

I'm autistic which means I don't always get social cues or flirting and worry a lot about social interactions, but I see other autistic people in relationships and finding people and so I feel like I'm just broken beyond help, that I'm the one person who will just be alone forever because I'm not designed for this world.

Anyway, I know I don't post on here often but if you've read this then thank you, sometimes I keep these thoughts inside so much because I have nobody to talk to about them and they get quite bad. Recent developments (other people are getting married, hooking up, getting in relationships) have meant that these thoughts have been getting quite loud in my head so I needed to vent.

 

[frankifab]

We're on the same boat I'm neurodivergent as well , I'm turning 38 in 2024 ( I look younger though )
I find myself good looking and unique ... I keep my teenage spirit alive

I do feel lonely and sometimes I get very depressed because of the fact that I was never in a relationship ...
I had an era where I had casual encounters but I got tired and fed up , cus in order to get hook ups I had to " mask " a lot and pretend to be someone I'm not just to get laid , now I pamper myself dying my hair with bright colors and wearing the clothes I wanna wear ... what matters is that I feel good with my appearance and I like myself ( If others don't like me the way I am , they're the problem , not me )
I know it hurts because I feel alienated even by relatives who despise me and talk BS behind my back , but you know I think they do that cus they're just jealous and envious

Someday , if somebody I like , someone who is not square minded finds me and wants to have something meaningful with me ... I'll welcome him
but if that never happens , that's ok ... I ain't the problem , the problem is that the world is full of basic people , square minded people who are not used to appreciating peculiar unique unusual beauty

@anwao I don't want to make you feel umcomfortable , but remember this : We're not the problem , it's not our fault to have been born neurodivergent ...
Many neurotypical people are basic minded and square , they're the problem , not us
It's not our fault many people lack a sharp eye for beauty , it's not our fault many people lack empathy and a sheer sense of intuition , feel unique and special ...

 

[KaraBulut]

I've been on a bit of a "dry spell", by which I mean it's been nearly 11 years since I hooked up with anybody.

And it's not been through lack of trying, I'm on all the apps and stuff but I just get zero interest. Even when I used to go out to clubs and stuff, I never got any interest.

A suggestion: have one of your other friends who are busy beavers on the apps look at your profile and give you suggestions about how to make it more "eye-catching".

Another suggestions: watch one of your friends and how they are interacting on the apps. A lot of people on the apps are using them for networking and chatting with other people. That's a skill that some people are better at but it is a skill that you can learn. The internet has been a place where people who are socially awkward can interact without the pressures of in-person meetings.

And diverting slightly from hook-up culture, I've never had a relationship. I'm 34 and I've never had a relationship. I've never met anybody who has got to that age and not had even a brief romance or teenage fling. But I've had nothing. And people say they understand but they don't. You can't compare being single for a few months to being single for your entire life, to literally never having anybody who thought you were worthwhile.

It's not unusual for a 34 year old gay man to have never had a relationship, at least a substantive one. A lot of gay guys spend their twenties dating and playing the field, which is also learning how to date and how to be in a relationship with another person. The issue isn't as much that you've never been in a relationship, as much as it is that you haven't been out there dating and making mistake and learning for the past 11 years.

...Not to mention that this friend is younger and thinner than me which makes me feel like those are a problem (given that aging and body image are two major problems in the gay community)...

I'm autistic which means I don't always get social cues or flirting and worry a lot about social interactions, but I see other autistic people in relationships and finding people and so I feel like I'm just broken beyond help, that I'm the one person who will just be alone forever because I'm not designed for this world.

This is probably the key to the issues in your opening post. It's two things: that you have trouble in social interactions but also the perception that you're "just broken beyond help".

Body issues are something that you can be pro-active about. Exercise and working out will make you feel better about yourself and it will boost your self-confidence. It's also a great way to meet new people.

The next time you are out in a group of people, pay attention to who people gravitate to in social situations. People who are extremely attractive aren't always the people who are the center of social situations. The people who are the most "popular" are people who make other people feel at ease. They make eye contact. They smile. They make people feel welcome. When you feel ill at ease and you do not have confidence, people often read that as "He's not interested in me." or "He doesn't like me."

Picking up on social cues and making people feel at ease is something that is a challenge for people who are on the spectrum. It does help to be up front and let people know that you struggle with social interactions, you might seem aloof/detached and that they should not take that personally.

 

[amwao1]

A suggestion: have one of your other friends who are busy beavers on the apps look at your profile and give you suggestions about how to make it more "eye-catching".

Another suggestions: watch one of your friends and how they are interacting on the apps. A lot of people on the apps are using them for networking and chatting with other people. That's a skill that some people are better at but it is a skill that you can learn. The internet has been a place where people who are socially awkward can interact without the pressures of in-person meetings.



It's not unusual for a 34 year old gay man to have never had a relationship, at least a substantive one. A lot of gay guys spend their twenties dating and playing the field, which is also learning how to date and how to be in a relationship with another person. The issue isn't as much that you've never been in a relationship, as much as it is that you haven't been out there dating and making mistake and learning for the past 11 years.



This is probably the key to the issues in your opening post. It's two things: that you have trouble in social interactions but also the perception that you're "just broken beyond help".

Body issues are something that you can be pro-active about. Exercise and working out will make you feel better about yourself and it will boost your self-confidence. It's also a great way to meet new people.

The next time you are out in a group of people, pay attention to who people gravitate to in social situations. People who are extremely attractive aren't always the people who are the center of social situations. The people who are the most "popular" are people who make other people feel at ease. They make eye contact. They smile. They make people feel welcome. When you feel ill at ease and you do not have confidence, people often read that as "He's not interested in me." or "He doesn't like me."

Picking up on social cues and making people feel at ease is something that is a challenge for people who are on the spectrum. It does help to be up front and let people know that you struggle with social interactions, you might seem aloof/detached and that they should not take that personally.

I want to make sure you know I'm not discounting any advice you've given. I get a lot of criticism when I respond to people that say I'm just being dismissive, looking for excuses and "not really trying".

With losing weight and exercise; I used to go to the gym regularly and had a personal trainer but had a mini-stroke a few years ago which has left me unable to do a lot of exercise. I try walking and gentle cycling but can't do anything too strenuous (otherwise the world ends up spinning and I get intense headaches for the rest of the day).

I've not always believed I was broken beyond help. When I was at University I was upbeat, went out to clubs and bars all the time, but never got any interest. It's only recently that this has started to affect my mood to this sort of an extent.

I do have a friend on the app I can ask but I'm a little nervous because he's (self-admittedly) really shallow and I think he'll either refuse to say anything (under the guise of "I don't know what to say") or tell me what I already fear (body image or age issues).

Since being diagnosed I do try and make people aware that I'm on the spectrum and that, as you said, if I seem uncaring or don't understand something then it's not personal.

Again, thank you for taking the time to respond, it does mean a lot.

 

[KaraBulut]

I want to make sure you know I'm not discounting any advice you've given. I get a lot of criticism when I respond to people that say I'm just being dismissive, looking for excuses and "not really trying".

There are people who are natural extroverts who don't understand what it is to be an introvert or to be someone who is on the spectrum and they can be dismissive of the struggles.

On the other side of that view, a diagnosis of ASD also leads to be lowered expectation or a stereotyping of people who are on the spectrum. People on the spectrum can have active social lives; the difference is that it is much more work for them since it doesn't come naturally.

With losing weight and exercise; I used to go to the gym regularly and had a personal trainer but had a mini-stroke a few years ago which has left me unable to do a lot of exercise. I try walking and gentle cycling but can't do anything too strenuous (otherwise the world ends up spinning and I get intense headaches for the rest of the day)..

Out of curiosity, have you mentioned your symptoms to your neurologist? Did you get an assessment by a physical therapist? While you might not be able to do strenuous exercise, you should not have to suffer from headaches and vertigo.

I've not always believed I was broken beyond help. When I was at University I was upbeat, went out to clubs and bars all the time, but never got any interest. It's only recently that this has started to affect my mood to this sort of an extent..

You have quite a bit going on. I do have to wonder if some of this might also be situational depression?

I do have a friend on the app I can ask but I'm a little nervous because he's (self-admittedly) really shallow and I think he'll either refuse to say anything (under the guise of "I don't know what to say") or tell me what I already fear (body image or age issues)..

I have a colleague who always says, "Give people a chance to say, 'No'", meaning that it doesn't accomplish anything to answer for people before you have asked the question. Your friend's opinion is just one opinion and if he doesn't want to, then at least you have asked.

Since being diagnosed I do try and make people aware that I'm on the spectrum and that, as you said, if I seem uncaring or don't understand something then it's not personal..

That is very important. It is surprising how insecure people can be. It is a relief when someone says, "It's not that I don't like you..." or "It's not you, it's me."

 

[TX-Beau]

The thing about attraction is that it isn't one thing. There are a lot of different kinds from platonic to outright lust. I know there is this trope that all gay men are youth-obsessed and only interested in perfection, but that usually means that person is looking in the wrong crowd. If one is a 50-year-old guy with a doughnut obsession, looking for guys at a circuit party is going to be a bust. Looking for guys to have a relationship with at a circuit party is also problematic.

When I was 21, I was terrified of getting older because I would never have dated a 30-year-old. When I hit 30, I was shocked to find that I had no interest in dating 21-year-olds. My perspective changed, but if I had continued looking for guys in the scene I inhabited in my early 20s I would not have had much luck. Those guys were and still are just like I was, and that is why they were my scene in the first place. If that is all you ever see, you will of course say that all gay men are youth-obsessed and chasing physical perfection. It was fun while it lasted, but there are other communities of gay men out there that grew the fuck up.

Which brings us to attraction. It must go both ways. Not only do you have to be sexually and emotionally attracted to a relationship prospect, but he must also feel the same way. SO, figure out what kind of guy you think will make you happy, then make yourself the guy you think will attract that guy - then find out where that guy hangs out and go there. If you're looking for an outdoorsy lumberjack type, you won't find him in the living room playing Xbox. You see the point, I'm sure.

Finally, I don't think that chasing a relationship is the best way to live your life. Take stock of yourself, what are your pros and cons? Spend your time maximizing the pros and improving the cons all you can. Find your gay community whoever they may be and put yourself into the mix. (being in a rural locale is not the barrier it once was) By far the most effective dating strategy I ever came across was having friends, who had friends, and letting things develop without the pressure. I've never been a fan of hetero paradigm dating conventions - showing up, with some small gift at a pre-arranged time, in your best coat and tie, then spending a fraught evening doing some socially benign activity leading to the awkward kiss him or not moment. Yeah, fuck that. Not that I dislike looking good and taking my guy somewhere nice, but I find that's best left to special moments with a guy you already connect with. I'm more of a BBQ joint kind of guy anyway.