High IQ and relationships

[PalacePaul]

I wanted to post this for some time now. I would like to share my experience and thoughts on having a high IQ level and looking for a relationship (gay or straight, I don't think it really matters). I don't want to sound dramatic or like I'm desperate, it's just how I see my situation. It's difficult to explain this in English but I'm trying...
My therapist diagnosed my high IQ level when I was 19. At that moment it made me happy but nothing else. He suggested that I work on my interests and I got into social activities to prevent isolating myself from the world, That's what I did (or at least tried) with no special emphasis on intelligence. I never cared very much for that aspect of my personality. I was happy enough with my (slow) progress in social skills as well as my career.
I spent the following 10 years this way.
For the last 2 years I've often wondered why is it so difficult making friends and having a relationship with a guy. I often told myself that "they are all jerks" and "nobody can understand me", but couldn't still see the problem.
Earlier this year I found a book discussing the problems of highly gifted people in adult life. This reading made me aware of some of the problems we face in our relationships (whether they are familiar, professional, social...).
After that I lost nearly all my interest in dating. I realised that that's highly unlikely to find a good match on any dating site or app. I think it would be easier to develop a relationship with someone from a casual friendship or a common interest, but I don't have many opportunities in my current situation. At this moment finding someone and going out on a first date (just a coffee date, nothing too serious) takes a lot of energy from me and, honestly, I don't have much hope that it works. Not to sound dramatic or depressed, I just look at the last 12 years.
I would be happy to engage in a relationship with someone I love and who undestands me. But I don't depend on it. I have my family, my work as a musician, my intellectual interests and I'm in excellent good health. I'm overall happy with my life.
I'm no asking for any advice, but if you have some thoughts on this please comment. I would specially like to hear from other persons with hign IQ and their experience.

 

[kallipolis]

Your synoposis speaks to the experiences of many living with Asperger's Syndrome.....is this your case?

 

[peeonme]

Back in 1966 I was expelled from school, the teacher claimed that I was mentally retarded. The court stepped in and sent me for an evaluation. They found they my IQ was in the top 3 percentile.
I know the number but never share it.
Anyway, their decision was to send me to a reform school. It was an interesting 18 months. For what ever reason I have always had trouble connecting with others, I read my own posts and wonder why I don't seem friendlier, warmer and such. With out any intent on my part I can start an argument in a heart beat.

I like to discuss controversial issues, just for mental exercise, not to win an argument. Unfortunately, most people feel as though they need to defend their position or the truth will change.
If in a discussion I somehow prove that the sky is brown, it does not make it brown, I merely out maneuvered someone with words.
To me it's fun, even if I lose.

So, I get what you are saying, I kind of hate being a little different. You asked for no advise, so I just shared my experience.

 

[KölnElch]

My IQ isn't breathtakingly high, but it's still in those 2% of the population in my country I guess.
And reading your post made me think that 90% of it, I could have written that. I am going through all possible social challenges in my brain in advance, but then when it actually gets social, I find myself quite helpless. I'm off to therapy today again, but sometimes I think it's not leading anyway as I mostly live in theories. yeah, I think I always try to solve the problem of finding a boyfriend with brain power, maybe it's the same for you, and maybe this isn't getting me anyway.

Just there's one point that made me wonder: What exactly is it that you'd want your boyfriend or date to "understand"? Is it the social problem, or? Maybe you can try to get behind that.

Good luck, very interesting thread.

 

[TX-Beau]

Your synoposis speaks to the experiences of many living with Asperger's Syndrome.....is this your case?

Second.

..........

 

[peeonme]

My IQ isn't breathtakingly high, but it's still in those 2% of the population in my country I guess.
And reading your post made me think that 90% of it, I could have written that. I am going through all possible social challenges in my brain in advance, but then when it actually gets social, I find myself quite helpless. I'm off to therapy today again, but sometimes I think it's not leading anyway as I mostly live in theories. yeah, I think I always try to solve the problem of finding a boyfriend with brain power, maybe it's the same for you, and maybe this isn't getting me anyway.

Just there's one point that made me wonder: What exactly is it that you'd want your boyfriend or date to "understand"? Is it the social problem, or? Maybe you can try to get behind that.

Good luck, very interesting thread.

Back in '73 I was trying to go str8 and married a wonderful woman, she is very pragmatic, has no interest in abstract thoughts at all.
She will listen to me, but I know it's merely her indulging me.
I have found her to be a balance in my life, she reels me in and when I am setting around over analyzing something she comes up with a very practical word of advise.

I would not advise you to marry a woman, if you are gay, but you might want to find someone who is fun, light hearted and doesn't ponder every theory all day. A balance is good.

 

[PalacePaul]

Thank you for your posts, boys. You give very interesting ideas.
I don't have the time to comment now, I'm doing it later

 

[badbug]

Hello,
Hello,

I share your plight.


I am not sure how really to come at this as i find it difficult to not brag about how intelligent i am!


Seriously though,

You are atleast half the problem. You say yourself that your social anxieties make meeting people an arduous task....but you also say that you feel the solution is meeting enough people until you find the right one.

So it's simple in that sense, you need to both meet more people and at the same time work on your expectations of what the right type of person is. Also,


I feel like i am reading a lot of justifications from you as to why you cannot succeed here. "Some book says it's not likely", "you are already happy", "meeting people is hard", "look at the last 12 years"....... It's almost like you are here looking for others to tell you not to try. Maybe you are hoping that others will share their success stories and motivate you, maybe it's both.

I am not trying to be judgemental. This is how everyone's mind works more or less. All i am trying to do is give you hope that there is a way to overcome this.....and at the sametime, i can give myself hope. We're both thirsty and i am trying to tell you i know where the water is.


It sounds corny, but the first thing you need to do is change your mind. If you believe it's hopeless and/or not necessary, why on earth would you do any of the heavy lifting??


You say yourself you are intelligent, then find a good argument to what you need to change and why. Example:


Why is meeting people for coffee such an effort? Rejection? Figure out how to deal with rejection. Figure out what you fear rejection says about you? For myself, i cannot stand rejection i fear is based on my looks. If a person is drooling over me but rejects me because of my perceived lack of success.... i am fine with that. If someone is like "you're hot but i don't think our lifestyles mesh" i am fine with that. It almost makes me smile. If someone rejects me after a relationship of any kind full of bad sex or shows a lack of sexual interest in me, i am devastated bordering on sucidal.

This fear, made relationships for me hard/impossible because it was so hard for me to start them. I avoided physical intimacy as much as possible to avoid that type of rejection.

I had/have to get over this....especially as i age and become less attractive relatively. There are really only two routes for me, a) give up or b) be ok with feeling rejection.


The same goes for any and all the problems you have with yourself and relationships. You may have to get used to the idea of being misunderstood or you may have to get used to the idea of _____________. It's finding a balance and constantly working to keep it. The real question is it worth the effort?



Sorry if i didn't address the topic of intelligence specific enough. I would love to hear your thoughts on my thoughts.

 

[PalacePaul]

My thoughts so far:
Very interesting posts peeonme. I like discussing things, too, but I often refrain from doing so because many people get annoyed. You wonder why you don't seem warmer and friendlier... Same problem for me. Sometimes people misundestand what I said, which I thought was plain and clear. I can also hurt people with random comments, even though it wasn't my intention at all (it's got better over the years, though).

I live a lot in my head, yes, but I'm not lost in real social situations. I can talk to people normally. The problem is I don't enjoy it for long. For me, it becomes boring very fast. Specially when you find those people who only talk about TV shows, movies, sports, their smartphones and stuff like this... I don't care at all! I can show an interest for a few minutes but then it becomes exhausting. But, of course, I can't force them to discuss about politics or literature.

What should my boyfriend understand? That's a good question I never answered exactly. He should know and accept my difference: that's who I am and I can't be otherwise. He should accept we aren't having a big social life. Sure, I would make any effort to make him happy, but not forever.

As for the comments about Asperger's... No, I don't think so. It would have shown during therapy. Think of a person with a low intelligence level. He (or she) is a “normal” person, not a retarded or mentally damaged. He lives in a complex world he can't fully understand, yet he lives in this world, not in a mental fantasy. I'd say those with high intelligence are the equivalent of him at the opposite side of the graphic.

bad bug: very interesting ideas, too. I'll come back to your post

 

[PalacePaul]

Badbug, very interesting thoughts, too. They were really helpful.

You suggest I'm looking for a justification or encouragement on your part. It wasn't my intention, but I realise it's also true. Deep inside I was hoping for someone to tell me “it's ok, you're right, dating sucks” and so on. Which wouldn't help me changing my situation.

It's an excellent point to think about what I can change and why. Fear of rejection? Not exactly, I think. If a guy tells me he doesn't like me for my looks, I can handle it. If he tells me it's because I'm a nerd or “a weird guy”... (they never say this, but sometimes I can feel that's the real reason) that would be harder. Although the kind of guy who would say that doesn't sound very interesting either. And that's a big clue.

Maybe the real problem is I'm too stubborn (Taurus, you know...) and I don't want to “lower” myself (intelectually). I'm proud of who I am, I'm not ashamed anymore (as I was as an 18 year old), and I don't want to change. So I guess I want a boyfriend who is my equal. I want to share my world with him, I don't want to feel superior. In the end, what I really look for is an intelectual challenge, someone who sparks my curiosity and makes me learn new things (and viceversa). Aside from the usual things anyone looks for in a boyfriend

That was a good work to make all these clear to myself, and maybe I can still do some more... That's exciting to know one's self better!

In case someone is curious, the book I referred to in my first post is Trop intelligent pour être heureux? by Dr. Jeanne Siaud-Facchin. I read the Spanish translation.

Thank you again for all your thoughts. I don't want this thread to go forever, but if you have some new ideas I'll be happy to know