High school senior, Srsly considering coming out.

[CoolWasBornIn92]

Background
I'm a 18 year old guy attending high school in a relatively small city of 200, 000. I live with my parents who are both supportive as well as successful, and have provided me with above average circumstances. We are well off (I will explain the significance of that later). I have two brothers older than me, Matt (20yo) and Mike (22yo). Mike has been very successful in school, and is graduating university with a fancy accountant degree.

Matt didn't go into College (not yet atleast) and currently works full time, he also came out to my parents just over a year ago now. He lives with his boyfriend whom he's been with ever since he came out. He told my mom over supper while my dad was out of town, and although she claimed to understand and support his decision.

Days after she cried about it while he wasn't around, and I honestly don't know why she was truely crying, but she said it was because she was worried about what people would do to him(homophobes) and the quality of his life because of it. But, she would always ask if I knew (because my auntie told her she knew years ago) about his sexuality and I would always reply with "no." So I think she might've possibly felt like a bad mother for not knowing or something? I'm not quite sure. My dad didn't have much to say but he said he supports him, gay or not.

So it's been a year now and I'm pretty sure they've accepted it. Both Matt and my parents seem to be happy with the way things are going, they've met his boyfriend several times and gotten quite comfortable with him.

My Current Situation
The main difference between my own and my brothers situation is that he came out a year after being out of high school, im considering right after high school (don't think I have the guts to ride it out for the last 2 monthes before grad). People don't know I'm gay. It's not as though my brother is overly flamboyant but there are instances, and I admit I have my own but I'm much more secretive of it.

I have been "seeing" a girl for the past month, I've been very good friends with her for all 4 years of high school. The only reason I'm dating her is because I was tired of my two bestfriends making fun of me for not (dating / having sex with) any girls during all of high school. I shouldn't say thats the "only reason", I like her personality but I'm not attracted at all. I realize it's very unrealistic and a lie to do things like this but sometimes I feel so left out. And I really like having the friends I do, so I try and fit in. It's not as though they pressure me but they've been a lot closer to me ever since I've been "seeing" this girl. I don't want to keep living a lie, but I don't want to be lonely because thats what I'll be. And I don't want to keep leading this girl on because I think she really likes me. We haven't had sex yet, I'm afraid it won't go so smooth. And I'm not sure how to break it off, because then I'm just going to look like a pussy and an ass, because people know she really likes me. I'm really not as self conscious as your probably thinking, it only applies to a few friends because I've been so close with them.

And finally, onto my parents. Although they've already had one son come out to them, and they seem to be supportive and understanding. I can't help but feel as though I'd be "failing" them by coming out. My dad comes from a very conventional family, my mom comes from a pretty regular family. I can't help but feel like I failed them (esp. my mom) because she always talked about grandchildren. When my brother came out my mom said something like, "Dad and I talked about if we had something like this happen and we decided we would support no matter what." I just feel like it wouldn't make their lives any better and that all I've been doing is making it worse. (Don't have very good grades, I argue a lot with them, and sometimes I act ungrateful for what they provide me with). Ever since the beginning of the year I've been trying to change (for the better) and have been told I have by many people including my parents. But I just can't help but feel like I can't take back the dissapointment I've caused. Let alone actually coming out on top of it all.

P.S. - I should mention, I'm quite close with Matt, and have even considered coming out to him recently to get his opinion.

 

[Kyanimal]

Definitely have an "in depth" chat with Matt as soon as you can! And, then, live YOUR Life as YOU see fit!

I won't bore you with my story. Let's just say, that in spite of what you might think you'll be putting other people through, the bottom line is, They have to deal with what they are presented with, just as much as you do. And, it's not your decision how they might come to terms with what it is you might "present"!

Follow YOUR Heart! The very best you can do for "others" is to let them know, without bounds, Who YOU really are! How they may, or may not, feel about that is, simply, Their "problem" ... if they have any.

The only responsibility that you have towards anyone else, is that you let them know who/what You truly are! How they might deal with that is not your concern, or even within your control.

I can understand your concern, and consideration, which is most commendable! However, you are not doing anyone a "favor" by not being your True self with them.

Be Honest. Be Open. Be "Real"! Only then will Everyone be able to adapt, move on, and realize their own Lives with You!

Of course ... and I mean this MOST Sincerely ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[CoolWasBornIn92]

As for your H.s. friends if they were true friends they wouldn't care and chances are once you leave H.s. you will never see them again (which is true).

I completely agree with not seeing them again. Well what would you suggest I do until June, That's when school ends.

 

[Audio Tech]

While Chaz IS right......

I'd suggest you don't come out until after HS. If you go to college, that's the best time to start fresh, and far more accepting. Even if not, leave High school behind you and go forth from there. I DO advocate coming out, as I did it far too late and can never take that time back. But the world was not as kind back then either. But nonetheless, I'd wait till you graduate and close that chapter in your life, THEN begin a new one. And hopefully for you, a HAPPIER one.

I wish you the best.

 

[rareboy]

IDK what to tell u but all i know is most parents don't want to hear their child is gay...that's a fact no matter how mean it sounds. No matter how much they say they will love you and accept you that doesn't mean they want u to be gay.

I have to ask why do you feel the need to come out? I'm a firm believer that children's sex lives have nothin to do with parents unless the children are wreck-less (sic) or under a cerain (sic) age.

As for your H.s. friends if they were true friends they wouldn't care and chances are once you leave H.s. you will never see them again (which is true).

But my advice from what you've given me is don't say anything and you need to let that girl know how you feel (that your just friends) and that's that, cause your leading her into heartbreak.

I'm sure every member here will advocate that you come out but i advise you don't.

If this advice were given by an out and proud guy with a healthy outlook on what being gay means, I'd say listen to him.

But no. This advice is given by a repressed 'christian' 'bi-sexual' who believes that being a homo is a sin.

Oh. And he thinks that being a fem is somehow a moral issue.

So let me, as an out, gay guy who's been in a relationship for 27 years and is a happy, successful member of his community give you some advice.

1. Come out to your brother.

2. Keep trying to be the better person.

3. Before you have the talk with your parents, try to reflect on your teenage years of being a horrible kid and determine whether some of this behaviour was the result of your frustration and anxiety over possibly being gay.

4. Have the talk with your parents. Tell them that you're trying to mature into a better man. And that in order to take a very important step, you need to be honest with them and yourself.

Tell them that you are afraid that telling them they have a matched set of homos makes you worry that you will be a disappointment to them.

By the way. The families I know with two homos have always become closer and even more accepting and loving.

4. Tell you girlfriend that you are not using her but that you've come to the realization that while you may have a deep bond with a girl, you have accepted that you are wired to be a homosexual.

5. If you're on your way to college, why not come out to all your friends? But only if you have the support of your gf. If you think that this is going to harm her in any way, then just zip it until she also has a chance to be away from the highskool gossip boiler-room.

6. Go away to college. Study harder. Be better. Live openly.

7. Be happy.

 

[tallguy297]

DO NOT LET THIS THREAD GET ANY FURTHER OFF TOPIC... please.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Cool... first off welcome to JUB. Its great to have you on board and posting.

Theres a couple of things from your post that you need to get out of your thinking.

The first is this... you are who you are. Being gay doesn't change that or make you a better or worse person... nor does it make you a different son to the one your parents see now. Your laugh, your smile, your attempts to be better, do better... those things are all part of who you are, not your sexuality. No matter what happens, be proud of who you are, the good choices that you are making now and the fact that all these things are going through your mind mean that you are along way towards sorting this out.

The second is that you are not your brother. His coming out was his journey... and yeah your parents dealt with it the way they did then. But dont let your mothers reaction make you think yours will go the same way. Hes a different guy to you... is he as strong willed? Does he have your determination? Does he worry about others as you are right now? Parents worry for all sorts of reasons... not just the ones we think of trust me on that.

Having said that, hes your best asset right now, and I would follow your gut and talk to him. Be honest with him and tell him how you feel. But... and its a big but, dont let him dissuade you from doing what you feel is right. Coming out is a very personal experience and yours needs to be that for you.

Cool, theres no doubt that your circumstances are a little different to most. As the second sibling to come out some would argue that it should be easier. Others will see it your way and say that it adds to the disappointment of your parents with regards to grand kids.

But you know something... this is something you have to do for you. Yes, it says a lot about you to be worries about your parents... that means your a good son. But at the end of the day your happiness, and the honesty in which you want to live your life means that you need to focus on your needs a little right now.

Your parents will deal with it mate, they will. They might need your help and support, the might need Matts too, but with time all they will want for you, as they have with him, is your well being and happiness. And that mate, means that you wont ever be a disappointment if you are honest with them... and if you love them. And it seems pretty clear to me that with your concern shown here, you do. Just tell them that.


Oh... and tell your girl. Honesty shouldn't be a selective thing... tell her you are unsure about who you are and now is the time for you to step back and figure things out. Tell her you dont want to hurt her so you are being honest with her... and if shes any sort of friend which it sounds like she is, she not only deserves that, shell almost certainly respect you for it.

 

[rareboy]

So, hopefully seeing supportive positive advice from several posters will help you feel more confident about taking this step and becoming the man you want to be.

Oh. and I used the ironic spelling for skool by the way, to mean the kind of drama charged zoo that runs on teen-aged sturm und drang.

 

[Frosty]

Never ever feel like you disappointed them or let them down for being gay because that's something you can't control.

I say come out to Matt. He knows what you've gone through except his situation was probably way harder than yours is since he didn't know if your family would be accepting or not but you know they are. What's there to lose from coming out with Matt, especially since you're close to him and he's gay just like you.

 

[terps420]

Come out to your brother. He's your brother and he's also gay, there is literally no other person on earth who's more likely to know exactly what you're feeling and what you should do.

My advice with your girlfriend... if you're close friends, if you trust her, if there is mutual respect has been firmly established... come out to her too. Tell her your situation, that you're incredibly sorry you lead her on, that you never meant to hurt her, to please keep your secret until after graduation when you come out to everyone else, that you're sorry and need a friend.

It will probably be the most emotionally exhausting experience you've ever dealt with but you're making a wise choice. Sooner is always better than later.

 

[Lube]

Yes, come out to your brother asap. Why haven't you??

Being gay is biological. It's your parents' "fault"--so why are you trying to protect them? It's their genes that made you this way.

As Chaz said, live your life for you--they have to deal with "disappointments" in their life just as you do in yours. You have no obligation to "protect" them.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[Chardius]

Time for the echo chamber:

Come out to your brother. Do it over the phone, in an e-mail, write a letter, doesn't really matter. Hes been there and if nothing else telling the first person is the hardest, it will get easier. You have a near guaranteed safe call here with an older sibling, take this opportunity to start being honest with your family.

In other situations I would caution against coming out, yours isn't one of them. The girl you are seeing deserves to know, those friends of yours don't deserve your friendship if they freak out over this, your brother will support you, your parents already support your brother, I know its hard even in your situation with all the positive signs but you can do this. If your brother had the strength to come out after leaving the house you can get a one up on him and do it before you leave!

Best of luck and yes please let us know how it goes!