His ex is his best friend and roomate....?

[balls2thawall]

so a few months ago i started dating this guy and he lived in Glendale and i live in west east side of town. he lived with a lot of roomates mostly girls, college ended for all of them and each parted their own way. well the guy im dating now was going out or was boyfriend of one the roomates. well that roomate we'll call Stich. Stich left the country for a intership somewhere and was gone for a long time. I helped my boy out move out and find a studio and was spending a lot of time with him staying over at his place, i offered my house to him that i could rent him out a room but he denied saying it was too soon and i accepted because yeah we had barely met.
So one day he was all happy and told me "Stitch" was coming back home to the States and asked him if he could stay with him as roomates again, after he had just told me he was soo glad to finally be living by himself. He didn't ask for my opinion or anything. this guy arrived in town and I wasn't allowed to go to his place anymore much less stay over. It took forever for me to meet "Stich" and it was because I kind of pushed it. My boy is a great guy he's worked with my sister for the longest time and she's only told me good things about him. Ive met all his family now and I came out to my mom because i felt i needed to do that to be happy with him. When im with him i do feel happy he makes me feel good.
But, I am a very jealous person I dont know if i should be upset because his ex boyfriend, now best friend, is his roomate. Not only that I found out that they sleep right next to each other he sleeps where i slept when he wasnt there. Sometimes when we are together Stitch calls him just to say hi or see whats he's doing and it just looks very suspicious to me...am i over reacting???
I dont want to be mad and i dont want to cause any problems but I really dont know how to bring it up that Im dying of jealousy. I know that my boy really needs the help with the rent. I cant move with him because I own a house that I'm paying myself. I would never move in with my ex even if we for some ODD reason were best friends. It all ends up to trust but I dont know what to do anymore....please leave me some suggestions...
thanks.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

You need to sit together with your BF and talk this over.

Either is he your BF and he is willing to move in and live with you and help you pay for your house via his rent, or he wants to continue dating with you and sharing his rented studio with his Ex?

Both options are viable, you just need to gain some clarity as to where you stand in his life and where he stands in your life.

If my BF moved in with his EX and I was not allowed to go and see him at his place, that would spell the end of that relationship for me, there and then.

This is your relationship and you want to call the shots. Yet, make sure that the lack of communication does not spell out the disaster at the end...

SC

 

[hurriwelli]

ok if you're dating and he's going and making these decisions without even discussing it with you, not letting you come over to see him and jumping at the chance to move back in with his ex, I'd get suspicious.

Relationships are a two way street. There needs to be two way communication and he needs to involve you more in his life. If he doesn't then the relationship is more than likely going to end. On the other hand both should give each other space where necessary.

In this instance, it wouldn't be too far out of the realm of possibility to say something is going on. Whether they're actually seeing each other behind your back or whether your boy has some closure issues to get rid of before he can devote himself to you fully.

But definitely talk to him about it. Don't go worrying yourself and over analysing things any more. You can't keep going on like this.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm sorry. I wouldn't date a guy where I wasn't allowed to go to his house. That's just plain wrong.

Go ahead and have a talk with him. But I have a vague suspicion how the talk will turn out.

Lex

 

[backpacker]

I'm with Lex on this one. Moving in an ex is bad enough, but not letting you come to his apartment anymore is over the top. There seems to be some unresolved issues on the part of your boyfriend with regard to his ex. It may be all innocent, but I have to wonder if that's they way your boyfriend wants it. Not to mention sleeping in the same bed with his ex just seems disrespectful. I'm not the jealous type at all, but I think this situation would get to me. Your boyfriend's behavior doesn't seem normal. I say you are long over due for a talk with him.

 

[confusedboy23]

Sounds like we're in the same boat. I've found myself only attracted to (or, attracting) guys who have broken up with their ex but after a while with me, they go back with their ex and live happily ever after!

It sounds suspicious to me too so I'd suggest you lay it all on the table and talk it over with him. You deserve an answer, and you don't want to fall any deeper than you already have.

Good luck!

 

[texpatriot]

Oh man!

I have more than a couple of personal guide-lines, and not dating someone who just broke up with their ex, and dating someone who's still living with their ex are at the top of that list.

And for good reason too.

I dated this guy once who told me that he and his ex are still best-friends, but that they haven't lived with each other for some time.

It never failed. He'd invite me over for dinner and a movie, and right in the middle of the movie his "ex" would call, and he'd spend the rest of the movie in another room "dealing with some problem" that his ex was having.

His ex would come knocking at the door right in the middle of us having sex, and a "brunch" invite almost ALWAYS included his ex.

He rarely opened up to me emotionally, because he told his "ex" everything.

After awhile I felt like I was just there for the sex, since his ex had put on so much weight, he wasn't interested in his "ex" sexually anymore.

I'd say that your boyfriend still has a thing for Stitch, but doesn't have the real man balls to break it off with you.

Why else would you be excluded from a relationship that you're supposed to be a part of?

There's was a time where I thought that maybe I was being jealous too, but it was really my conscious trying to tell me that I deserved better.

Maybe your conscious is trying to tell you the same thing.

So I had a conversation with this guy that I was dating. I didn't bring up his "ex," I just suggested that his heart wasn't in our relationship. Rather than discuss why I felt that way, he blew a gasket and said that I "don't know anything about his heart." I replied, "That's my point."


I dumped him.

I explained that we could be friends, but that I wanted more out of a relationship than just someone who cooks me dinner, has sex with me, but shares his heart with someone else.

Before you invest anymore in this relationship, I'd find out where your boyfriends heart is at.

Good Luck!

 

[crzyrazn]

Overreacting? No. Everything he is doing up to this point is suspicious, and you have a right to be so. Moving in a ex, not letting you come over, sleeping beside his ex...He may need help with the rent, but how does that explain his behavior? I would take the advice everyone else is giving and have a sit down with him to talk about it.

 

[balls2thawall]

see they just didnt break up...they broke up like a year ago they just happen to be roomates with other ppl. he left the country and he needed a place to stay. he has his mom here, and 2 other brothers he could have stayed with but im still upset about it he's earned my trust. I will talk to him about it. thank you very much for your help you guys have taught me how to not get stepped on and i really appreciate it. I'll post what happens after the talk, again thanks
jose

 

[RicanDAB]

He didn't ask for my opinion or anything. this guy arrived in town and I wasn't allowed to go to his place anymore much less stay over. It took forever for me to meet "Stich" and it was because I kind of pushed it ... Not only that I found out that they sleep right next to each other he sleeps where i slept when he wasnt there. [/COLOR]

They are in red because that's what they are .. red flags. This is not a good situation. Like people have said, you need to have a major talk with him. Stand your ground and be prepared to let him know you're not comfortable with this. Be the stronger person and give the impression that it is not acceptable. Also be prepared to cut your losses if you can't resolve it. Why waste your time with someone who wants you to tiptoe around his ex? If it was really over, why hide you from him? I assume you want a drama-free relationship.

Good luck man

 

[texpatriot]

see they just didnt break up...they broke up like a year ago they just happen to be roomates with other ppl. he left the country and he needed a place to stay. he has his mom here, and 2 other brothers he could have stayed with but im still upset about it he's earned my trust. I will talk to him about it. thank you very much for your help you guys have taught me how to not get stepped on and i really appreciate it. I'll post what happens after the talk, again thanks
jose

It doesn't matter if it was last week, or ten years ago, look who you're boyfriend is living with now; his ex.

If he were my boyfriend, I'd prefer that he have a live in arrangment with me.

When I was in your situation I thought that maybe I was being jealous, or insecure, or childish. What it ultimately came down to is I was feeling uncomfortable being in a relationship with someone who clearly excluded me from a part of his life with someone he already had "a history" with.

Those were MY feelings and just like you're feelings, which are VALID, they're YOUR feelings.

Share those feelings with him, and get his take. Just be prepared to own how you feel, and then take it from there.

 

[backpacker]

If your boyfriend were just living as a roommate with an ex, I don't think that would be so bad. It's all the other red flags that compound the situation and give cause for major concern. Your boyfriend's behavior indicates that he is trying to hide something. Sharing the same bed is way over the line. If this guy were just his best friend, I would think he would be excited for two important people in his life to meet. Instead you had to insist on the meeting. He had no problem with you visiting his place until the best friend moved in. Why? Why did the two of them breakup? Who's idea was the breakup? From what you wrote, he seems to still have some issues regarding the relationship. It could be that something is going on with them, he could be afraid that this best friend will reveal some negative information about your boyfriend or he could still just be carrying a torch for his ex. Whatever it is, something is not right.