HIV status

[redips]

So I've been dating a guy for a few weeks. He's very sweet, and we've basically become boyfriends. However, he has a rather promiscuous past, but he claims he has no stds.

Yesterday, I learned from others) that he had been tested HIV+ before, so I became very scared. Although everything we've done thus far is safe, I'm still very concerned, and so I confronted him about it. He denied it, but he did not offer to go tested with me. I'm pretty sure the information I got is reliable, but he also insists that he was tested "false positive" before.

So my questions are:

1) How do I get him to go get tested with me? If he won't, I can't stay with him, but at the same time, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to come across as not trusting him at all.

2) I didn't think that false positives are all that common. He claims he had been tested false positives "many times" before, which raises doubts.

I know the best thing to do is probably to leave him, but at the same time, he's the sweest guy that I've ever met. I know that's not a good reason, but ay, you know what it's like.

Thanks a bunch guys.

 

[Txgoodoldboy]

If I were you, I would assume that he is positive. Instead of waiting for him to offer to go get tested with you, tell him, you want him to go get tested with you. Then, if he says no, you will have to decide what you want to do. You should assume everyone is positive, until you know, otherwise. And play safe.

 

[WYSIWYG]

A relationship is all about trust and honesty in my small book of life! If he is HIV+ he has to be taking drugs for it, would be easy enough to check out..

If both of you care for one another then both of you have to decide to chose a middle ground where both of you are happy and safe together. Only you and him can make that decision, (but input from others is a start also).

 

[Eagle653]

You're right, false positives are pretty rare--although they do happen.

The cornerstone of any relationship is trust, and you obviously don't trust him. The only way you can is if he comes clean about his HIV status. Whether that's through medical records that he's willing to share, a blood test over which you monitor results, or some other reliable means, you need some reassurance.

Where there's smoke, there's usually fire and you're seeing a lot of smoke. Good luck with this, and be careful.

 

[3nipples]

The way it works in the clinic I go to, when a test returns positive, they send the blood sample to a lab for a more rigorous test. It's remotely possible to have a false positive after the quick first test, but extremely unlikely after the second.

I know a guy in Toronto who tested positive only to find out later that he had a nutty doctor who was giving out false positives to his patients.

So yeah, give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he doesn't set your mind at ease about this by having a test done, then you might as well break up with him now because it will only be a matter of time until you do... every time you have any kind of sexual encounter, you'll start thinking about how long ago you brushed your teeth, that hangnail that was bleeding and so on and those kinds of thought are going to eat at you until you break...

Having said all that, it's not really that easy to catch HIV even if your partner is HIV+, but that is only when he is following the prescribed routines and you are both careful and there is a LOT of trust in your relationship.

 

[G-Lexington]

He got tested false positive "many times"? That's like me saying every scale I get on is broken because they all say I'm overweight. Yes, there is such thing as a "false positive". There isn't such a thing as "many false positives".

He apparently isn't going to get tested again. Which is probably just as well - it'd probably give him another "false positive". So just assume he IS positive, and go from there.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Two issues:

1. His HIV status.

The way it works in the clinic I go to, when a test returns positive, they send the blood sample to a lab for a more rigorous test. It's remotely possible to have a false positive after the quick first test, but extremely unlikely after the second.

Absolutely correct.

If he did a home saliva test, a false positive is possible.

If he sent a sample to a lab, a false positive is very unlikely.

Most people never know they had a false positive because a second test is done on every positive from the first test. If the second test is also positive, it would be tested again with a more sophisicated form of the test. I believe the false positive rate on that third test is something on the order of < 5 in every 1 million tests.

So, what do you think? Which brings us to:

2. You have reason to believe he is lying.

Chances are good that in your lifetime, if you are sexually active you may have sex with someone who is HIV+. Chances are that you will not know- and the other person may not even know that they are infected. That's why we nag about always being safe.

If he won't agree to be tested and he's given you this story about a false positive, chances are much more likely that you're dating a liar- which is something far more serious.

You may not know if you're having sex with an HIV+ person. You have a choice about whether to have sex with a liar.

 

[Yuki Sohma]

1) How do I get him to go get tested with me? If he won't, I can't stay with him, but at the same time, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to come across as not trusting him at all.

Ask him to get tested with you. If he says no, then assume he is + until you can be 100% sure he is -. Either way, + (assumed or true) or - (proven through testing), you must decide your desired relationship based on your feelings.

Good luck.............

 

[G-Lexington]

>>You have reason to believe he is lying.

The weird thing here is that, although the guy is technically lying, he gave enough information to...well, heavily suggest he was HIV+. If I had to guess, I'd say he's mainly lying to himself. He certainly didn't delude the OP all that much. He isn't the first person who chooses to deal with something like HIV by NOT dealing with it, and probably won't be the last.

I say all this because I don't necessarily see this guy as a "liar" per se. But he may be the sort of person to create his own reality and stick with it no matter what. And this just changes the problem Kara mentioned slightly. Is this somebody you want to have a relationship with?

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

If I had to guess, I'd say he's mainly lying to himself... Is this somebody you want to have a relationship with?

Exactly. Better options. Better choices.

 

[M4P]

My partner and I got tested a year after we started dating (which happened to be the same time we moved in together). We were tested again six months later - both times negative. We did this for two reasons: first to know our respective status and second so that we could have sex without condoms if we choose

So, I'd suggest you put it to him that way

Its early in the relationship and maybe he's afraid to tell you in case it scares you away. Or, its also possible the gay rumour mill is wrong. Either way its a discussion all responsible male couples must have. If he's not willing, I'm sorry to say, he's not someone you should consider a future with

Good luck

 

[Yuki Sohma]

>>You have reason to believe he is lying.

The weird thing here is that, although the guy is technically lying, he gave enough information to...well, heavily suggest he was HIV+. If I had to guess, I'd say he's mainly lying to himself. He certainly didn't delude the OP all that much. He isn't the first person who chooses to deal with something like HIV by NOT dealing with it, and probably won't be the last.

I say all this because I don't necessarily see this guy as a "liar" per se. But he may be the sort of person to create his own reality and stick with it no matter what. And this just changes the problem Kara mentioned slightly. Is this somebody you want to have a relationship with?

Lex

Absolutely very well said & great advise Lex..........there is a very, very strong reason to believe as well as the possibility that he is lying to himself about his HIV status..........my best wishes to all..........Yuki

 

[thewiz]

When I am going to start dating someone, I always ask them to go with me to the Whitman-Walker clinic and that we both get tested. In three and six months we will go back. I have yet to have anyone refuse to go and most are eager and happy to share this part of life with me and me with them.

It's not that I don't trust them or that I wouldn't believe what they tell me; I want him to see that I am being totally transparent and that I want to give him the best of me and I get the best of him but it starts responsibly.

I have volunteered at the clinic and false positives are possible; it is the reason that WWMC has gone to the blood tests because they are much more reliable. However, I have never heard of anyone having multiple false positives; I would think the chances of that are remote at best.

The gay rumor mills tends to be very accurate....his refusal to go with you puts up another red flag indicating something is wrong.

I guess I would tell him that you have strong feelings for him and would like to move to the next step -- together. It will start with getting tested together and build from there into a healthy relationship.

If he refuses then I think you have your answer.....sad but true.

 

[beatleshead]

Make him understand its out of love...tell him that if you didnt want to go further it would be easier just to leave him based on the suspiscions. He must understand that.

 

[operafan]

Why would you stay with someone who would not get tested? If he has something to hide here there is a lot more trouble coming down the pike.

 

[AdmiraalW238]

...Yesterday, I learned from others) that he had been tested HIV+ before, so I became very scared.

It not up to other people to disclose someone else's HIV status so the other people who told you get no sympathy from me.

So my questions are:

1) How do I get him to go get tested with me? If he won't, I can't stay with him, but at the same time, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't want to come across as not trusting him at all.

2) I didn't think that false positives are all that common. He claims he had been tested false positives "many times" before, which raises doubts.

1. All you can do right now is PLAY SAFE without question. You should discuss calmly and rationally with him your desire to be tested together to basically put your own mind at rest. Put that you think you should get a Sexual Health Screen to check for STIs as well as HIV.

2. When blood is tested for HIV it first is tested using the ELISA method. If this comes back positive it is then tested using the WESTERN BLOT method. If this second test comes back positive then you are positive. If the second test comes back negative then you are negative which would mean the ELISA came back as a false positive. This does happen but not very often.

Home testing kits can come back as false positive often.

>>You have reason to believe he is lying.

The weird thing here is that, although the guy is technically lying, he gave enough information to...well, heavily suggest he was HIV+. If I had to guess, I'd say he's mainly lying to himself. He certainly didn't delude the OP all that much. He isn't the first person who chooses to deal with something like HIV by NOT dealing with it, and probably won't be the last.

I say all this because I don't necessarily see this guy as a "liar" per se. But he may be the sort of person to create his own reality and stick with it no matter what. And this just changes the problem Kara mentioned slightly. Is this somebody you want to have a relationship with?

Lex

Well said, Lex. A newly diagnosed person does go through some denial and that is unfortunate.

It is possible that he is HIV+ and is currently in denial.

Someone else said that if he is HIV+ then he would be on some medication. This is not always the case. Someone people who are HIV+ choose not to start treatment at the outset. I personally know of one friend who did not go on any medications until recently and he has been positive for 6 years.

Going on meds is something that you would discuss with your doctor.

No one can tell you what you should do with the relationship all you can do is suggest you get tested together and see were it goes from there.

In any relationship TRUST is a big issue so trust your own instincts.