Hocd or am I gay

[Polniu75]

Let's start off by saying I have gay aunt so not bad intended at all, I love her to death.

Ok so here's my story, a very intense and graphic one ..

I started watching porn in highschool like ninth grade. I begin masterbating to regular vanilla men woman porn, then I started doing it like twice a day . It slowly escalated through high school until I got bored of everything and got into incest porn ( would never do in real life just gave a craZy rush). So in college I got into incest porn and that a few years later escalated into shemale/ transsexual porn.

Let me give you a quick background of me before I get into the shemale subject. I was always very outgoing in high school but never had a girlfriend, I was always extremely shy around woman. Something happened after high school my confidence shot up, I ended up making out with at least 60 girls from college til now which is around 7 years later.

But I noticed one common factor, 90 percent of the time I tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection or would lose my erection within a minute or two of intercourse. Also still to this day I never have had a girlfriend just girls I have hung out with for maybe a few weeks or a month. At first I blamed the alcohol on the problem of not getting hard but then it happened a few times sober.

Back to the shemale subject, it got so intense that literally that's all I masterbated too and I would get quickly instantly hard just thinking about it. Like no point in my life would I get hard that quick or be that hard , only when I thought of transsexuals. I finally couldn't take it and I acted out with over 12 shemales for a total of probably 25-30 times. I did everything you could imagine, yes everything , when sex wore a condom obviously. The thing is 75 percent time I was dominant, but other 25 I was receiving and the Rush was so high I liked it.

My question now is, I don't know if that was a pre cursor to maybe not knowing I was gay, or that happened due to strictly porn escalation.

The thing is I never once growing up had a gay thought or even transsexual thought. Never had a crush on a man , if I noticed a guy was good looking i would get jealous because he could get woman.

But this transsexual thing has made me either realize I'm gay or made me develope severe hocd. It's like every time I see a guy who is good looking now I get real nervous and it's like I'm talking myself into thinking I'm attracted to him. I don't get hard or anything I just notice guys a lot more now and when they shirts off or whatever I get real nervous.

I've been told i am straight and developed a penis fetish which is possible because I wasn't attracted to the shemales personality just the penis.

I will say when I stopped watching porn for two months I wud get semi erections talking to girls. But still get nervous around men.

I jut don't get how a straight Male could be obsessed with penis like that.

Anyway this is on my mind constantly and was just curious if you think I was and am gay the whole time and didn't know and thought I was straight cuz society told me to. Or porn messed me up.
Like from experience did you guy always know from teenage years you were gay and never had a crush on a girl.

 

[peeonme]

The first thing I would say is to make up your mind that you are ok whatever your sexuality might be. After that I would say to quit trying to label yourself, you are a sexual person. Most people are and most people are not 100% gay or straight.

Then I would stop trying to figure out how you became what ever you might be. My theory is that we come wired with our orientation and that there is some fluidity in it. I also think that most of us discover our sexuality when a catalyst (in this case what turns us on) is stumbled upon by us and pushes the "turn on" button.

If you can't stop obsessing I would advise seeing a sex therapist, good luck!

 

[CuddlyPython]

I used to stress out about my sexuality like crazy. But then I realized that a label doesn't really matter. I identify mostly with gay, but if I run into a woman that I think is sexy (which, for the record, I haven't yet), I'm not going to deny any feelings because I label myself gay.

There are so many different types of people out there. There are thousands of straight men who watch gay porn because it's more real and rough than straight porn.

Point of the matter, don't worry about it. If you like men, yay. If you like women, yay. If you like trans men or women, yay. No one is judging you but yourself.

 

[KaraBulut]

What you described in your original post is not atypical of many men's experiences. Some guys will say that they "always knew". Other guys will say that they weren't sure until they started experimenting with guys. Other guys may not discover that they are gay/bi until they are well into adulthood- after having a marriage and children. Everyone has a different path to self-discovery and coming out.

A few years ago, a psychologist in the US proposed a fictitious disorder that he termed "Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder". The term has since been amplified by dubious websites as if it were a recognized diagnosis that requires treatment. It is neither a real disorder nor it is something that necessarily needs to be treated.

Most of the time, the real question is whether the person has an anxiety disorder or has homosexual attractions (or both). It rarely proves to be obsessive-compulsive disorder.

So, the question that you have to deal with is whether you are gay/bisexual or whether you have an anxiety disorder. If it troubling you, then it's something that you should discuss with a therapist to get a proper diagnosis and treatment.

 

[LoneWolf94]

It very well may be that you are gay. or there is some other sexuality that you fit into, only you can really discover that. My one piece of advice though is to lay off the porn. That could be the root of many of your problems. excessive exposure to pornography, especially when started at a younger age, has been known to cause some erectile issues for men (e.g. the problem staying hard that you mentioned). It could be you just aren't sexually attracted to women, or it could be you were expecting it to be more like the porn you watched and when it wasn't, lost your hard-on. I'd start with the porn thing and see if that helps at all

 

[TX-Beau]

Someone should write a manual for your cock. If you ever only get off one way, especially if you never had regular sex with someone else, you will train your dick to respond to that stimulus, and you might have problems getting off with an unfamiliar type of stimulus. Stop playing with yourself for awhile, and when you get so fucking horny you can't stand it, go hook up with a person and have him/her do to you what you like to do to yourself.

Failing that, use a bunch of different methods/toys, switch up hands, use a flesh-light, etc, to train your cock to respond to a bunch of different kinds of stimulus.

If your problem is in your head, that's something else.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW I've never even heard of "hocd."

 

[Seasoned]

Perhaps you could sort out answers to your questions with a qualified therapist. It's possible you have a fetish. I suppose it could be an addiction issue. I've known straight guys that act out with guys. In any case, you need to be comfortable with your choices. Sometimes it's easier for us to be more accepting of others than ourselves.

The term, shemale, is currently used most often in porn and with sex workers.