Hold out for "the one"?

[collegeguy]

Hey dudes,

I've posted once before about certain relationship issues, my boyfriend and I had a bit of a rocky year in terms of commitment. We met in December or 2010, both then closeted. We have both been part of the Greek system at a large Midwestern University. We took things slow, we had had relationships before, but we were careful. I never wanted a relationship, and neither did he. We just were buds, got drunk, got stoned, then got man on man sweaty. Funny thing happened then, we both fell for each other, and fell hard. Everyone thinks their relationship is special, which is true, and I'm no different. But I would sit there and compare my relationship to those of mainly my straight friends and say, "Thank God for my boy". We are so open, and honest with each other, we were in love.

Fast forward. Like I said, we had a bit of rocky year, my guy is a bit younger, and had a bit more of an uneasy time living his double life. He told me he wanted a casual relationship; I didn't like it, and we stopped seeing each other. He came back to me, he regretted what he did and said that now he knew for sure that he wanted to be with me. Our relationship and bond was even stronger, it was tested and survived. We came out to our closest friends and SOME family, and started to live a comfortable life as a real couple, out in the open.

Fast forward some more: He took temporary position in Budapest, Hungary until December 2012. I was the one to say in the past, "I would never do a long-distance relationship again" We counted down the days until he left, we even spent an amazing 3 weeks in Europe together before he left for Hungary. I knew it was going to be hard to say goodbye, but at 26 years old, finally being comfortable with our identities; both in new and exciting cities, we decided it best not to be in a committed relationship, it would be too hard. Even though it was my idea end the relationship because of distance, it is still so hard for me. I am in love. He says he does not want to hurt me, hurt me like he did before. He says that he is not ready, because he told me I was "the one", the guy he wants to wake up to everyday with. I did not know what to say, surprised, happy, confused, even scarred.

But this makes me think, how can I be the one, but he's not be ready to commit? Is this healthy for both of us to be waiting until we are re-united to begin our lives? I believe he is scarred, scarred about being with one person, but he knows inside he wants me. Are men in general as terrible with commitment as romantic comedies portray them? Should I be trying to move on and look to the next? and if so, I think the only way I can get over it is if he is out of my life completely; no contact no skype nothing. But I am confused on what I should do, I do not know whether I am listening to my brain or to my heart, I love him, he make's me happier than anybody I have ever met, and if I had to chose the one person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with, it would be him. Advice would be appreciated.

 

[HunterM]

Hollywood makes us believe in "THE ONE" for each of us. In reality, love is a process. Love requires work on both sides. Love requires commitment on both sides. If two people are committed to each other and willing to work on it, those two people will be "THE ONE" for each other. If you are the one for him, then why is he not committing? If he's not committing, then you are free to date other people.

Sounded like the long distance is causing you stress. Sounded like you want to date around before you commit. You need to identify WHAT YOU WANT. Does what you want in a relationship match up with what he wants? Be honest with yourself. Do you want to date other guys (thinking there might be better options out there for you)?

 

[Rolyo85]

Sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do. A relationship is a lot of work even when you're in touch with your real identity, and you were both closeted when you met. You are still in the process of coming out, and EVERYTHING has changed for BOTH of you. It is natural that he both has strong feelings for you AND isn't ready to commit. Give it time. My advice is, you should both be grown ups about this - don't commit right away, but keep the possibility open. Make other friends, heck - have sex with other people. Explore who you are, but never stop keeping in touch and never hide anything from each other. I know this sounds hard, but it's not. Sex matters only so much as you decide it does. What matters is what your heart tells you. Spend the time apart exploring, but not behind each other's backs. If you are "the one" for each other, then it WILL work out and you will get together when he gets back. If it doesn't, then it wouldn't have worked even if he'd stayed.

 

[collegeguy]

Hunter,

Great words of advice, our society does put this belief that there is one person out there for us. I do not mean that he is the one, as in my one and only soul mate. I mean he is the one for me. Our relationship, connection, goes beyond that we just work well together. We want the same things in life, we want to experience life together. It is very difficult to imagine living my life without him, and I know it he feels the same. He tried, like I said in the first post, we broke up when he wanted to see other people. I was hurt, but he came back, he regretted what he did to me and believed after months, that I was the person he wanted to be with (We were broken up from February to early May) during that time he explored other options, and figured out I was the best fit for him.

Timing and distance however, is not on our side. We spent the summer together until he moved to Budapest earlier this month. Long distance relationships do work, I know, but both of us seem hesitant because we feel that one way or another, we will end up together. A lot can happen over the next few months, my interest in dating other guys is minimal, beyond a few sexual encounters. The issue is, whether it is OK to hold out for my guy, am I closing myself off to other relationships because I am hung up about someone I care so much for? Should we call this a clean cut now that we are apart and see what else is out there? I am just not sure what to do. At the end of the day, I love him, and I do not think there are better options for me. This relationship is different than anything I've experience before, I have never had this connection with another person. Someone I can spend hours and hours talking to, and still find new stuff to bring up, someone who I can tell exactly how he's feeling with a single look, or how he holds me at night. Someone who makes me happy every single day. I want us to be together, but we can't be right now, so I do give up and move on with my young life, hoping that one day it will just be me and him? Ahhhhhh boys are confusing

 

[collegeguy]

Roylo,

As a fellow Chicagoan, its a great day to be a Bears fan first off. Second, I believe you are right, we are coming into our own, and it is so hard to know what we want when so many things have changed. Given this time apart, I agree with you, it is best to see what else is out there, explore other options, and find out who we are. And also yeah, you are right, honesty is key no matter what; no matter if it causes jealousy or issues, it is better to be open about it, than go behind each others backs. This time apart can make our feelings for each other grow even stronger; I guess I am scarred of holding on, and him finding someone new. But I am confident in what we have. Cannot thank you enough, It really does make a lot of sense, and I am happy to hear it. He is the kindest person I have ever met, and although he is not perfect, he is my furry little ex frat boy who is the best damn snuggler from West of the Mississippi.

 

[HunterM]

OK, follow Roylo's advice. Break it off for now then re-evaluate when you two are living in the same city or at least in the same country. You can explain to him that long distance is not working out. Domestic airfares to visit each other are a lot cheaper than international fares.

 

[collegeguy]

I am taking both of your advice, ha. The fact is, if he asked for a committed relationship right now, I would probably agree, like I said- I really love him. Although I was the one to say I would never be in another long distance relationship, he was the one who said he wanted to go to Budapest single. I could not really argue with it, he's in Budapest and I'm in Chicago, I cannot force a relationship on him, and although I do want to be with him, I don't necessarily disagree. I see long term with him, as probably we've established in this thread. We have talked about it, and this is like a "break", neither of us want to pursue a relationship with anyone else, we are just living our lives and seeing what else is out there.

I was worried that it would be too hard for me, or if it was healthy for me to hold on to a relationship that cannot physically BE, per se. We both cannot be committed until we are actually together, and I think that is for the best.

I appreciate what you guys have said, really. I was waiting for some serious bashing from people thinking we were young and dumb, foolishly thinking we were "in love". Thanks for the advice dudes, enjoy the rest of your Sunday funday

 

[Rolyo85]

Roylo,

As a fellow Chicagoan, its a great day to be a Bears fan first off. Second, I believe you are right, we are coming into our own, and it is so hard to know what we want when so many things have changed. Given this time apart, I agree with you, it is best to see what else is out there, explore other options, and find out who we are. And also yeah, you are right, honesty is key no matter what; no matter if it causes jealousy or issues, it is better to be open about it, than go behind each others backs. This time apart can make our feelings for each other grow even stronger; I guess I am scarred of holding on, and him finding someone new. But I am confident in what we have. Cannot thank you enough, It really does make a lot of sense, and I am happy to hear it. He is the kindest person I have ever met, and although he is not perfect, he is my furry little ex frat boy who is the best damn snuggler from West of the Mississippi.

I am currently in a similar situation with my guy. We care deeply for each other, but he is far away (still in the US, but at an "airplane" distance), and a lot of things in his life are too chaotic and undetermined at the moment to make a commitment. As for me, I am an international student and I'm bound to the school I attend. So we are "single", but we communicate 24/7 and we are open with each other.

Now, I have to add that my perception of dating is different from other people's. I think I've only ever been on ONE "date" as in "let's meet and see if we like each other to the point where we might want to pursue something else". To me, things like romantic feelings and even just casual sex should never be the goal when meeting someone. They should come naturally, or not. If I go to meet some other gay guy, it's not a "date" or a "hook up", it's to hang out. If anything comes out of it, then it will. If it doesn't, then calling it a "date" wouldn't have made it work any better. This process of organic going with the flow and your gut instinct has worked great for me, and it also helps me not fall into traps such as "Grindr is just for hook-ups" or "if you fuck the first time you meet, nothing serious can happen". The guy I mentioned before, we had sex three times the night we met for the first time. And right now, at this very moment, he is the love of my life.

So, yeah. Don't call it anything. Tell him that you like him, that you want to be with him, but that calling it a "long distance relationship" will put pressure on both of you that you might not be ready for. Keep in mind your feelings for each other, but if you have doubts, explore freely. Trust me, if your feelings for him are strong enough for a real relationship, you can date or fuck half of Chicago and it still won't change anything. You'll still eagerly be waiting for him. This I can promise you from experience

 

[DarkHelios]

Now, I have to add that my perception of dating is different from other people's. I think I've only ever been on ONE "date" as in "let's meet and see if we like each other to the point where we might want to pursue something else". To me, things like romantic feelings and even just casual sex should never be the goal when meeting someone. They should come naturally, or not. If I go to meet some other gay guy, it's not a "date" or a "hook up", it's to hang out. If anything comes out of it, then it will. If it doesn't, then calling it a "date" wouldn't have made it work any better. This process of organic going with the flow and your gut instinct has worked great for me, and it also helps me not fall into traps such as "Grindr is just for hook-ups" or "if you fuck the first time you meet, nothing serious can happen". The guy I mentioned before, we had sex three times the night we met for the first time. And right now, at this very moment, he is the love of my life.

Sorry to sidetrack the thread a bit, but this is something I've been wondering about.

I very much agree with you here. It makes more sense to me to meet someone and see what happens as opposed to meeting them with the expectation of slotting them into a specific role (whether it be friend, fuck-buddy, or boyfriend).
What I wonder though, is if you establish that you DO feel that connection, how do you go about letting them now that you're interested in something on more than a platonic level? Especially when your gut-instincts seem to be non-existent.

To the OP:
I'm adding my voice to the chorus that says there's no such thing as "the one".
That being said, December isn't that far off. If you decide to hold off on seeing anyone else and see where the two of you stand when he gets back, it's not like you're eliminating all chances of every meeting someone else.

 

[collegeguy]

Again, thanks for the words. We are young and still trying to figure everything out, putting a label on the relationship would cause added pressure, and maybe even resentment. And I also agree with you and the Grindr bullshit, I am beyond that point in my life, I need a connection with someone, not just their penis. It's such a turn off to look at your phone and see msg's from guys on Grindr saying "Can I suck your cock, I'm only 3,478 ft away" No, dude, you definitely cannot.

To DarkHelios: How can you be sure you want to pursue anything more if there is no gut instinct? That's exactly what should be there in order for the relationship, whatever it may be, to progress. It shouldn't be a sit down chat at Chipotle on whether or not you SHOULD go further, but let go a bit, and let the feelings take you; if you guys click, then it should work out.

Again, I don't mean that he is THE ONE, and we were always meant to be. But yeah, he is the love of my life, and I knew it because how I felt, because I knew he felt it too. It didn't need to be voiced, it was look, a touch, a moment and I knew all was right. We have been through a lot, and even when I walked away in the past, we worked at it constantly. My social life, meeting people is not going to stop, and I can't wait until he comes back

 

[Rolyo85]

DarkHelios, for me it is usually clear what the other side feels. I don't need to express being interested, I just act interested. Again, not trying to fill in an application or something, just being open. But I am an aberration from the norm, if my experience is anything to go by. I talk about my feelings with great ease, I have zero personal space and I am not afraid of revealing my feelings because I have confidence in being able to read them correctly. For me, relationships have always "evolved" until a point where it wasn't necessary to talk about it. I've never had one where we were just hanging out one day and then we had some sort of mutual agreement and we were "boyfriends" then ext.

Everyone has gut instincts. Don't delude yourself otherwise

 

[DarkHelios]

To DarkHelios: How can you be sure you want to pursue anything more if there is no gut instinct? That's exactly what should be there in order for the relationship, whatever it may be, to progress. It shouldn't be a sit down chat at Chipotle on whether or not you SHOULD go further, but let go a bit, and let the feelings take you; if you guys click, then it should work out.

By "no gut instinct" I mean that I don't seem to instinctively know how to react. I get the sense that I SHOULD do something, but I have no idea what that something might be.

DarkHelios, for me it is usually clear what the other side feels. I don't need to express being interested, I just act interested.

Then you're the total opposite of me I'm not great at distinguishing what the other side feels from what I hope the other side feels.
As to acting interested, odd as it sounds, I don't know how. I'm told I come across as kind of robotic at times.

 

[bananagoof]

College Guy, I think you've both been really reasonable about your situation. You were honest enough to say "long-distance won't work for me" and he was honest enough to say "I should be single when I'm there". I think I have to agree with Roylo85 that your relationship isn't over just because you're apart. Stay in touch. See how you feel as time passes. If this is the guy you really want to be with, you'll know that even more in three month's time than you do right now. And knowing that will help you decide how you want to live and what you want to do - move there to be with him, or commit formally, whatever. The same goes for him. If you guys stay in touch and he sees he's not really interested in anyone else, that's great.

I think what's hard about this is that you're both free to comparison-shop and see what else is out there. I think it would be better for most people if they did do this before committing, rather than commit only to realize after that they want some more freedom. You know the expression: if you want to know if something loves you, let it go and see if it comes back? Keep that in mind. You both clearly care about one another a lot...so just go with how you feel, be honest with yourself, and you'll know what's right after a while.

 

[collegeguy]

DarkHelios:

I've come to realize that most times, thinking too much can do a number on you. I believe you are getting nerves in the way, with me and K (my boy) I remember feeling something, something strong. Both of us were so new to every thing, I almost felt that I shouldn't have fallen so fast, but it felt so good. We also hooked up the first time we met, but it was different, the next day he text me back, asked what I was doing. Then we hung out some more, and more. Then one day, after my nerves had built up a lot, we were laying there, K was holding me and just said "I really really like you" that was it, we talked about it and we both said that we had feelings building up for a while but were "nervous" about telling each other how one felt, maybe out of fear of being rejected...but the point is we both felt the same thing, we knew it inside, even tho we were nervous to say...don't think too much DarkHelios- just feel, when you know, you know.

Thanks again for all the words. I still tend to overthink the situation, I love him, and I want a future with him. He is the one who told me, when we are together, we are together...for good. It made me feel so, warm inside, and loved. It came out of nowhere, and we are both in it together.

You guys rock

 

[justanothershyguy]

collegeguy:

The way I see it, I don't think there's any reason you two can't continue to see each other even though he's not in the same country. Challenges exist in every relationship, and this could just be one of them. I don't know what the situation will be when he's there, but the internet really helps with long distance relationships. Even if he suggests it, if you want to be with him in the future, you can do it. As long as you know how he feels and he knows how you feels, everything will work out. Communication is huge!

Good luck! I'm rootin' for ya!

 

[Seasoned]

You're talking months not years and he was talking hook ups it seems to me. You have a choice to hook up or not while he's gone. Base that on what you want to do not on what you think he's doing. I always think it best if a partner decides to be with you by choice rather than default, meaning it ought to be more meaningful if someone is with you after having experiences.

Whether or not you choose to have sex while he's gone do try to have life experiences. By being away he's having a huge one. While he's gone you ought to do and see stuff too. He'll come home changed and you ought to find ways that your perspective is also changed. Get out of Dodge and have some fun somewhere else even if it's just weekend getaways. Good luck to you.

 

[collegeguy]

Good words of advice all around. I was really certain for a moment that in order to be happy, I needed to let him go. But I know we came to this decision because it was best for us. We can both be mature about this. Over the weekend, he was with someone, a chance encounter with another man he met in a hostel, I am glad he told me. Difficult as it was to hear, I respect that he said it. And I am trying to be ok with it all. If we were to call it a long-distance relationship, and put that pressure on it, it would only drive us apart. 1 hook up or 10 hook ups, they don't change feelings...

He is the sweetest kindest person I have ever met. I consider myself a strong willed person, someone not easily affected by others. I've grown up on city streets on 2 different continents, and he really came out of no where and changed my outlook on life, and what I want out of it. He wants to be with me, settle down, just not the time.

I appreciate the kind words, and all you guys rooting for me. Even when he comes back, we have the battle of living in different cities for the time being, we have our obstacles, but what we have is the greatest thing I have experienced.