Homophobe dad

[subfer1]

Ok, so I came out to my mom back in 05, but even after she tried out some arguments to try and make me reconsider whether I was or not, she accepted it and has been gradually becoming more accostumed to the idea. Still, she recommended not to tell anything to my dad, which, if I think about it, was a smart move. I remember while growing up, several times he remarked that I could do whatever I wanted with my life, but if I turned out to be a pervert or "fairy" he would rather kill me himself than let me live. My mother always threw a fit over those times when he'd say such things, especially since she has a gay brother who lives next door. After I came out to most ppl, my dad never suspected anything, becuase he thought I was dating my best friend, and she is a very pretty girl, so he probably thought we were a couple. But that just ended.
Today I was getting dinner ready and he was channel surfing before stopping at the cooking channel. He saw a guy chopping veggies and said "only a fairy could chop like that, look at him, looks like an industrial chopper." He walks in the kitchen and is joking about it, then freezes and stares at me chopping onions, so I ask what's wrong, and he just answers flatly "nothing, you just chop like the guy on tv." I pretend not to have heard any of it all, and he leaves, then as he is having dinner with my mom, I hear them arguing (a recurring theme as of late) and he yells at her asking her if she has been keeping "it" from him, she told him she didnd't know what he meant and he yelled that she was trying to fool him and that he has tied loose ends and doesn't like what he came up with, so she just told him that he is an old crazed man with too much free time. I totally know what they were arguing about and my mom said it was nonsense and that I shouldn't worry over his rants when I asked about it, but I fear that it might get serious...
Any thoughts?

 

[deserter85]

I know my reply is going to be a little out of point but...

Wow. I've never heard of anyone being "outed" by their onion chopping skills.

Anyway, I don't really think there's anything to worry about unless he actually confronts you about it. Oh, it'll be a bonus if you're not financially dependent on him and have your own place. If you're not living on your own yet, you might want to make some preparations just in case...

 

[Kensei]

Him using the word "Fairy" symbolizes much. Educate yourself online on how to talk to ignorant people like him.

Remember that there is nothing that can be done. You are born with your race, gender and sexuality. He has to accept all 3.

 

[8tomtoms8]

I think I would try and find your own place to live. Maybe find a person who is looking for a roommate. It isn't good for you to be around someone who hates you because of who you are attracted to. You have no control over that. I also don't think you should waste any of your time trying to convince your dad to accept your sexuality.

It would be great if one day he accepts you for who you are but don't let your happiness depend on what your parents think. You have to live your own life which you'll never be able to do that as long as you are living with your parents.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Subfer,

Mate, I have to ask. How do you feel about your mother being in that position? Shes lying for you... shes being abused... for you.

Sometimes these things move beyond just us. Sometimes we have to sacrifice a little to make things right.

Honestly it seems to me that you are putting your fears and anxiety above the well being of your mother. And while I'm sure that they argue about other things, is there any need to add fuel to the fire?

Your dad knows, thats clear. And he knows that both of you are lying to him.

The only way to stop this, to diffuse it and to get on with your life to get it over and done with.

I know that your mother is only being a mother and protecting you... but its time you returned the favour mate. Its time to stand up, let her off the hook and show your dad that no matter what, you and she, are proud of who you are.

 

[subfer1]

OK:
1. I am economically dependant at the moment, I am halfway through the semester, on financial aid and earning a very shitty pay that I use to pay for as much as I can of my needs at school.
2. I live at their house becuase of how close it is to school and because I could never afford to live on my own with what I make.
3. Tallguy, you managed to make me feel like shit in a way that I hadn't felt in a very long time, you might want to learn some tact. It might be just because I am not feeling in my best mood at the moment, but you were not using precisely words that help with the situation at hand.
I talked with a buddy about it after opening the thread and got some good insight on how to deal with things tomorrow, I guess I should say that among other things, there has been a lot of talk of divorce going on lately, and today I just happened to be the reason for my folks to argue, yesterday it was our dog barking too loud, and the day before it was where my mom had put a flower pot in the living room. It's just been really shitty around here lately, and I hardly think everyone being in this situation would be quick enough to come up with something to say and argue in the spurt of the moment.

 

[koibito24]

Story of my life (sans the onion chopping and losing my bff). now, my dad has had the most success out of all his siblings and everything he says pretty much goes for this family. i know that if i were to come out, i would get completely cut out from all of their lives, and this includes extended family. that is something i cannot bear to handle. my family is everything to me, and its sad to think that they would abandon me for fear that he will abandon them when they are in need because he is the one they always turn to. also, im sure this will depress my dad majorly, being that im his only son and the last carry his surname (though i can still have a baby with a surrogate). although, i know he would not accept me, my heart is too big to want to put stress on his health. for my situation, though not healthy, i feel its better to not come out just so i dont lose my family. i get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

i hope you find the courage to choose the best solution for your situation. PM me if you wanna discuss more.

 

[tallguy297]

Subfer, my sincere apologies for making you feel like shit... that was certainly not my intention and if my post made you feel uneasy or upset then I cant apologise enough.

The trouble with your situation Subfer is that you have lost control of it, its now something you had no say over. And to be honest mate I suspect one of the reasons you feel so bad right now is that because you know that somehow the issue has taken on a life of its own. One that you cant control or shut down

Mate, I guess what I was trying to say was maybe you have to try and limit the damage. I can tell by your post and your reply you hate the situation.

The tension between your parents is not your doing. That they have grown apart is not because of you or your sexuality. You shouldnt carry that burden or guilt but you would only be human if you did. To watch that tension is unbearable as a child... and worse if you somehow think its got something to do with you.

Subfer, your dad already knows. Whether or not you tell him is irrelevent to a large degree. But what you cant let happen is let him use it as a tool or weapon against you or your mum. You are way too important for that and so is she.

It seems your Dad is going to find reason to fight no matter what... but your self esteem, your self worth and your own values and integrity are worth way more than just more amunition in a slinging match.

I wont presume to know your situation mate, I dont. And if I seem insensitive I regret that deeply. Its just that sometimes ignoring the white elephant in the room, especially when its you, only makes it worse... especially for your state of mind.

I've never pushed anyone to come out mate, and I never will. But I wont ever walk away from trying to offer advice that might make people think or question their own logic. I'm probably wrong in my thinking, but if these posts have made you question and reconfirm your original thoughts and actions mate, then thats good enough for me.

Be sure in your heart Subfer, thats all that matters.

 

[rahulxxx]

The thing to understand here that your dad has nothing against you , its the homophobia that he has an issue with. sort it out .oust yourself ! find another place to live. i know if i were you, i would have done that !it is bound to get serious., if you are a 100 % sure of the fact that he detists " FAIRIES!"

 

[Seasoned]

We are all "family," but not always aware of cultural differences. We normally give advice from our own cultural perspective. Safety is always an issue when a person is dependent. From the safety of my situation I can offer support but not much else. Emotional abuse is a serious issue. The people most equipped to offer real advice are people living in the same culture. Use the internet to find whatever local or national gay support services are available. Your dad does not seem to be a nice person and seems like he has all sorts of issues. It seems like you and your mom are very afraid of him. It sounds as if he is a beaten down man outside of the home who is a bully at home to make up for it. I hope you and your mom are safe and that you will both be able to take whatever steps are necessary to keep yourselves that way. He suspects you are gay and probably always has. Only you can decide when or if to tell him. Maybe, for now, it's time to find another best girlfriend. It sounds as if you will leave the moment you are able.

 

[subfer1]

OK, so today things were kind of better, my sister came here with her kids, so my parents were all wrapped up playing with my baby niece. They asked me to take over lunch, so i was again chopping vegetables. My dad came to talk to me, which kind of freaked me out because he had been talking to my mom early today, and with my sister too (who tends to be the most neutral among us, with me usually being on my mom's side and my brother on my dad's) so I realized he probably wanted to talk about last night. He asked how I was doing (showing how awkward he was about it) I said ok, and kept chopping, but I was shitting my pants... He told me he'd talked to mom and that he was sorry if he had made me feel bad last night, I said not really, trying to not give it importance, and he said he had meant to talk to me about something for a long time, and then, I cut my finger.
I practically sliced off the tip of my left middle finger. So, immeaditely he starts looking for something to wrap my finger while I had it under the spray of the sink, and my mom comes in, she runs off to bring band aids and alcohol, and while we're waiting he just blurted out that he thinks I'm a good kid and that he's sorry if he upset me yesterday, so I just asked him not to use me as an excuse to fight my mom. He didn't say anything but he nodded, and then my mom came back. So, I gather that my mom and sister bullied him into biting his tongue and I have my finger all wrapped up, it kind of stings from the alcohol we used to clean it, but I don't mind.
I guess, as someone mentioned, I should say that my family is very traditional in their catholic believes, so divorce is barely ever considered, and as I had heard talk of it lately, it had really freaked me out. My grandma used to say my parents express their love by fighting, I guess I don't like how it sounds, but it might be true, as they have been married for 40 years (dad is 68 and mom is 62).
Ok, I hate typing with one less finger, so I'm gonna go. Tallguy, I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, but last night I was somewhat sensitive, you were right, it just hurt to get it so bluntly, and Stacy, you are right too, I shouldn't let their constant fighting get me, so thank you. Now, I'm gonna go have lunch and then play with my niece.

 

[Blueboy369]

Subfer1,
Yo soy latino tanbien. Homophobia in Spanish speaking countries is pretty bad especially in the older generations. He may not like the fact that you like to "Chop Onions" but I'm sure he loves you. You should tell him that. Say "dad, I love you and I want to know if you will stop loving me because I like to chop onions" and then laugh. Try to find the humor in things, it's a good way to break the tension.