Homophobic Friends...

[blank_check_999]

I have recently come out to my parents and a few close friends at school. Now that it is the summer, I have moved back home and I am starting to reconnect with some of my friends from high school. I don't know if it is that I have become more sensitive to homophobic comments now that I have started to come out and embrace myself, or if they have always been present, but I feel like some of my friends - only a small minority - are extremely homophobic and express only derogatory opinions of homosexuality. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this 'effect' and what they did about it. Did this affect your coming out to friends? Thanks in advance!

 

[MrWright]

Well it will happen...it's especially dependent on how closely the community has witnessed or seen homosexuals (an ignorant community is always worse). I think it's best to come out publicly and separate yourself from those who judge you for it - your best friend remains to be you (I know it's cliche but it's a good policy for coming out). Mostly if they loved you before they will still love you no matter what and often their opinions are greatly changed.

 

[sibersan]

it's prob cuz ur coming out, so when they make homophobic comments, ur taking it more personal then before. cuz it's going against who you are. I have a few friends that are homophobic, but they dont kno about me. The only friends that knows about me are the ones i trust.

 

[sibersan]

also, another thought, depending how long your HS friends have been in college, there's a chance they could change their view on homosexuality, cuz in college, your expose to alot more different type of people, and some people even experiment.

 

[relaxin13]

Before I came out to some of my friends, I wasn't really bothered by any comments. Some of my friends who have been informed of both my sexuality and dislike of homophobic comments still let them slip on occasion. I know they don't mean to because of their mannerisms and facial expressions right afterwards, but it still pisses me off.

It took me a while to tell some of my friends because of their blatant homophobia, but I've been lucky in that all the people I have told have accepted and supported me so far... even the more homophobic ones.

 

[luminum]

Before I came out, most of my friends were pretty blase about throwing around the word 'gay' as a description for everything they hated, but after I came out, some really made an effort not to say it around me and they also tookt he opp to learn more about gay people through myself (in as much as I can claim to 'know' what it means to be gay).

Some still throw around the word 'gay' and I call them on it, but I also acknowledge that it's a behavioral change and that as my friends, they don't mean it. For people I don't know, though, I always bring it up.

As for people with actual problems with homosexuality, my one friend is religious and believes it's a sin, but doesn't believe in hating the sinner and we never really get into it like that. We're still friends and have a good time together.

I think that if you're out and they know it, then it's an opportunity to call them out on their attitudes and have them reassess why they feel that way and what they base their opinions on.

 

[newcastle]

I know what the effect you are talking about. Almost all my friends and family drop their fair share of comments and views like that anywhere from very malicious comments, to just slight mentioning of displeasure in common discourse. The only thing I have done with them now is ignore them as opposed to what I used to do just to assimilate into the conversation and blend "hide" in.

Do these comments affect who I would come out to? Probably somewhat but it would be more for the first one or two because of the mainly two different groups I role(d) with "hometown and college" information flows very quickly so it probably wouldn't matter shortly after the first few (or even the first one).

I guess the more I think about it, I'm sure it does keep me from doing it now or from having done it before at least to some extent
I know for me it's gonna be a crap shoot for me if and when I come out.
Good Luck w/your endeavors in this familiar area.

 

[DonDon]

I go through periods of having a thick skin about such remarks and having a thin skin and getting offended a little too easily. But when it comes to my friends I always say that you can't possibly offend me unless you've set out to do so.

Having said that, if you are friends with someone who is homophobic and they continue making their comments over and over while trying to play it off as "just a joke" then you really want to ask yourself if these are the kinds of people you really want to call friends.

On the other hand, people often make remarks like that because they simply don't know any gay people and being their friend may be a great way to educate them. I had a roommate once from New York who's brother was coming for a visit. He warned me his brother was very homophobic and a terrible bad ass and that for my own protection I should just grin and bear it when he makes an anti-gay remark.

Yeah, like I was gonna do that.

I thought to myself, I can go into this ready to butt heads or I can take a moment to get to know him and see where he's coming from. I chose the latter. So I spent a day or so talking to him and getting to know him before making any judgments. I realized that so many people walked on eggshells around him that he must be pushing people just to get some reaction. So while a bunch of us were hanging out one night I was telling a story about some date I had or something and made the comment about giving a blow job. He got all indignant and said, "aw, why you gotta say shit like that?" to which I replied, "oh come on, like you've never had a big fat cock in your mouth before". He looked at me with a shocked expression I will never ever forget. Everyone in the room froze as if preparing to call 911 to come and pick up the pieces of my broken body. You could have heard a pin drop. Then he let out the biggest belly laugh you've ever heard and said something like "you know, you're alright". The rest of the visit was a blast and when it came time for him to leave he actually gave me a hug, much to everyone's surprise.

His homophobia honestly came from never having met an open gay person before, or at least one who wasn't afraid to confront him.

The moral of the story is, don't be quick to write off someone who makes homophobic comments, but also don't let anyone walk all over you. Get to know people before making judgments.

 

[Giovanni]

All my friends are homophobic. I know the fact that the day I come out to my friends(I rather just not speak to them anymore than do this) is the day I lose my friends.

 

[rareboy]

If you are in hiding from your homophobic friends, you've already lost them.

The problem with trying to reconnect with your high school buddies is that there is a very good chance that you just may not really like each other as well as you did before now that your lives are much more three dimensional.

C'est la vie.

If you can enjoy them for what they are, then overlook their homophobia. If you want to get under their skin, start making cracks about knuckle dragging no hope breeders whenever they get going. They may get the hint.

 

[DonDon]

All my friends are homophobic. I know the fact that the day I come out to my friends(I rather just not speak to them anymore than do this) is the day I lose my friends.

It's like growing up with a spoiled dog. Rover may seem important to you and familiar in your life, but he keeps biting and scratching you. You think he's important to have around because he's always been there, but he's hurting your body and your health by always inflicting pain on you. It's not until you get a new puppy who loves you unconditionally, allows you to pet him, and care for him and be a positive part of your life that you realize the dog you had before was simply no good for you and really didn't care for you to begin with.