How can I maintain a friendship with someone I love?

[secondmonkey]

I'm 21, and I've been in love with my best friend for many years. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure he's not gay, and thus, not interested in the same kind of relationship that I am. We're still really good friends, but I don't get to see or talk to him very often anymore. I'm starting to think he's getting annoyed with me as much as I want to see and talk to him, when he just doesn't have the time. I think about him all the time and dream about him every night. I have been really, really depressed about this for a while and I just can't stand it anymore. I am extremely lonely and really want to be in a relationship with someone, but I can't be with anyone else without wishing I was with him. Every time I am with him, I have to be careful and hide how I really feel about him, he doesn't know I'm gay yet and even when I tell him I probably won't say how much I love him. That will just make our friendship really akward when he doesn't feel the same way.

Basically I can't enjoy being with anybody else, and I can't even enjoy being with him as just friends anymore. I REALLY don't want to do anything that would harm our friendship, but I can't go on like this anymore. But what the hell can I do? I don't know how I can move on and find somebody else to love when I still have him as a close friend. Every time I see him it just reminds me more how much I love him.

I guess there isn't really an answer to this question. I'm just curious what you guys think.

 

[thermodynamics]

I've been there, or something close to there.

I would recommend you tell him that you're gay, but based on my own experiences, *don't* tell him that you love him. That's a recipe for disaster (as I can attest to).

When you're out to yourself and others, you'll be able to start making some gay contacts. And eventually you'll be able to love someone else. Hard to believe, I know. One thing that will help is if you distance yourself from him for a while. I know this is tough, but it will break your love for him, yet you'll still be friends. I know the time away from him will be tough, but you'll have to break those feelings eventually, and it might as well be now.

I know those aren't the words you want to hear, but they'll get you on the right track the fastest.

 

[luminum]

It looks as though your only option is to take a break from him. You don't need to tell him unless he asks that you need time away from him sinc ehe's consuming your emotional life.

I thinkin many ways, I love my best friend, too and he does know I'm gay and he's very supportive. But it's been clear that he'll enver return my feelings and you have to deal with that, much like many people who may not reciprocate your feelings.

You accept that it isn't going to happen and you cherish what you feel and for some, you can continue being friends.

I think some of it stems frm the fact that you're not out to him and his sexuality and response to your feelings, though you think he may be straight, is largely still ambiguous. zInt his way, you don't have a definite platform to stand on in terms of him. Your feelings are beign shot into a void, not reflected by his heterosexuality or caught by his homosexuality. So you have nothing to go on and that's probably what's tearing you up.

Mya dvise is to come out to him, not because you want to confess your feelings, but just so you can know how he is going to handle it and handle you. From there, you can start to judge how your feelings might be dealt with and if you get a clear signla that they couldn't ever be reciprocated the way you want them to be, I think you'll be able to move on and no longer compare others to him and still maintain the friendship you have.

 

[looseliam]

I agree with lumi. Take a break.

I, too, have been there. Although I let my feeling be known and nothing's really changed. After time I grew past it. Though I still wouldn't mind a quick shag with him.

What I fear will happen is you take yourself off the market because you are pinning for someone who can't/won't share the same feeling.
I don't want you to miss out on some incredible guy because you're too into your friend.

 

[Riverrick]

I agree with the others. Take a break from him. Avoid him, stop calling him or trying to run into him.

I know its hard to believe right now but the more time you spend away from him the better you will begin to feel. Those feelings for him will lessen and not be so painful for you as time goes on. There really is no other way to fall out of love with someone that I know of, short of them hurting you.

Soon you will be more ready to find a guy who can love you back and you won't be comparing anymore. Good Luck!

 

[Smitho]

I agree with the others, you have to see less of him. I have many straight friends, but I am not attracted physically to any of them and those straight friends that in the past I have been attracted to, the friendship has always ended, normally amicably, but the desires and expectations on each side are just so different, in my opinion it just does not work. Straight friends (or all friends) are great, as they often have a perspective from outside the gay world, but there are lines and boundaries that in order to maintain the friendship just can't be crossed.

 

[backpacker]

Everyone above has great advice. I would add that you should get yourself very involved in other activities. Take classes, volunteer, work more hours, but do something to fill your time. If you're busy, you won't be sitting home thinking about him and you will probably make some new friends. You also need to get yourself in an environment where you can meet some gay guys. I often feel that people fall for their best friends because they have no appropriate outlet for their sexual feelings. Once you meet guys who can return your feelings, your best friend will go back to being just that, your best friend. Good luck!

 

[colemanshs]

Over the summer I went to Mexico for a study abroad trip for 6 weeks. The straight guy that I was very in love with wasn't there and international phone calls are very expensive. The first couple of weeks were miserable. He was all I thought about. I dreamed of flying back home and being with him all summer (of course, in these fantasies, he was very into me too) but as time went on, I began to get over him. When I returned I felt like a new person. I would call him and talk to him every once in a while and things were fine. I often wondered why I had fallen into that trap in the first place.

I wish you luck, buddy. It is very hard but you can do it.

 

[trawler69]

I've been there and done that! My solution was to come out to him, not easy, to assure him that I wasn't interested in him, which was a lie, and ask for his understanding and help. After he had assured me that he was straight he encouraged me to go to a local gay group run by the Gay switchboard organisation which got me out of the rut I was in.

The fact that I now knew for sure he was straight and that he knew and accepted I was Gay, broke the crush I had on him and turned it into just a wank fantasy which I still retain. Once you accept that he is deffinately unobtainable the infatuation will cease.

Good luck mate my thoughts are with you

 

[secondmonkey]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I don't think taking a break is working though. Ever since he started college we don't see eachother for most of the school year, or even talk that much...and that's what really bothers me. I haven't seen him since late september, and it just hurts more and more every day. I hope coming out to him will help, but I know I'm not going to take it well when I finally know he's not...

 

[Riverrick]

I hope coming out to him will help, but I know I'm not going to take it well when I finally know he's not...

But I think you need to know in order to move on. As long as there is a chance, then you still have hope. Good luck with that.

 

[backpacker]

Believe it or not, you will be much better off once you know. If he is straight, I'm sure it will hurt pretty bad when he confirms it, but it is much better than the hurt you will feel for years if you don't get it out in the open.

 

[dunno260]

I don't think the taking a break thing will work, it might, but it didn't for me. I went 6 months with no contact whatsoever and nothing changed. In fact, it just got worse.

What did it for me was when he in a conversation one night told me that it was never, ever going to happen. I knew it before then, but it had never been stated that clearly. Things got better after that night. It was not a good night, in fact it was a miserable night when it all clicked. But I needed to know.

 

[newkidondagayblock]

Hey guys Im in the exact same situation, except imagine an office environment. I don't know what to do..

 

[thermodynamics]

As for secondmonkey's quandary. Yeah, I'd tell him that you're gay. Then you'll figure out if he is or not. And that will help bring closure<--what you really need right now.

 

[Tizzy333]

Been there, done that mate - or at least half that, I never told that guy I was into him THAT way, thou I think he suspected so.

My advice? same as everyone's: Stay away for a couple months. I know its hard, so find something to do in the meantime, start doing new things, meet new people, anything to keep your mind occupied. In my case it was having a crush and then a short relationship <that OMG didnt work atall> with someone else what helped me get off this guy, and til today I still am proud I got into that short relationship, not because it was great, but because it helped me get out of a void I had been caught into for almost two years by then. I stopped talking to him or trying to contact him so often during about three months, we retook sorta regular contact last december. Our relationship now? great. We laugh together, we joke and we pretty much are close again, infact it all has made me remember why I fell so badly for him in the first place, thou this time I have a new rule: Not falling for him again. I like him, he's my great friend, better leaving it there since I know that anything else I try to be he just won't reciprocate and I'llget sucked on the void again. Hope it helps you =)

 

[bluedragon4]

I'm gonna go the other way here in advice. Figure out why you fell for someone you obviously can't have. I have never fallen for a straight guy (other than lust) cause I know he's straight and it's self destructive. Why do gay men do this over and over?I just don't get the lack of self respect.I see this same post on these threads time and time again. You're just glutton for punishment!it's torture! It's like when 14 year old girls cut themselves! they enjoy the pain and misery and attention in some cases. This guy will soon feel you are stalking him and you will feel even worse about yourself cause you can't stop.I wish some gay men would smarten up! There is a huge world of gay men out there. Join that world and leave this straight guy to his world.

 

[fiorio]

leave him~ forget him~ or you will hurt urself.

 

[kurtwild]

i dont know,maybe the others are right but i wouldnt leave him!
if you love him so,then stay close to him,first of akk you never now maybe he is gay too and is hiding it,but even if he is not.
i'd tell you to stay close to him and maybe tell him you are gay.
good luck.

 

[laegolass]

My case is almost exactly the same as yours except that my best friend knows that i'm gay.

Like most members here said, taking a break from him is quite effective.
My friend i currently still in another country to further his study but for me, i've went back to my hometown. We kinda lost contact for a while now so it really helps me lose interest in him. Even during the time when i'm over there in the same uni as him, i seldom hang out with him as his best friend is always hanging by his side all the time (not that i'm jealous of his best friend but he's just too annoying and inconsiderate).

Well, best of luck to you with your problem and hope you find someone soon.