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How do I confront him?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Martkell2007
  • Start date Start date
Just to recap-

1. You've been with someone 3 months
2. You love him
3. He's been hooking up with dozens of guys behind your back
4. He changed the subject when you brought the issue up and he doesn't want to discuss it.
5. You're not completely satisfied with the sex


Do you think there is a future here?
 
In his defense, it was dozens of emails with 1 or 2 guys. The rest were so far in the past that it doesn't matter. But I;m not justisfying what he has done and his attempt to hide it.

I hope there is a future. That's why I wanted a way to approach the sitation without causing our relationship to end.

I actually value our relationship, the first relationship I've ever really valued and invested in. I'm not going to be destroyed if it ends, but I know I would be hurt.
 
I know everyone's situation is different, so I tend not to give too much advice when it comes to relationships and such. But to be very honest: if you are really after a faithful, monogamous relationship, I really think you should bite the bullet and move on.

I think it is very clear that he has cheated on you, or at least had the intention of doing so. And it doesn't sound like he's terribly sorry about it. If he has no qualms about cheating on you after being with you for only 3 months, why do you think he would be faithful to you after 10 years? 15 years? Would you be a lot more hurt to leave him then?
 
What we're all trying to say to you is that you are settling for less than you deserve.

You are wasting your time with someone who is not giving you the things you need.

You're making excuses for his behavior. You're rationalizing it all and allowing him to control the terms of your relationship.

You can do better.
 
I think it's sad you are willing to commit to a person who does this to you. And it's very clear that you love him when you say In his defense, it was dozens of emails with 1 or 2 guys.

So just that huh? 12 emails to 2 unknown guys to have sex? No big deal right? You talk about it like it's nothing, maybe because you want to believe that's nothing so you don't have to move on and get hurt.

It seems like you're a really nice guy so I would say you should move on and be with someone that deserves your love. There's plenty of fish in the sea.
 
Forgive me if I'm being obtuse here, but is this the same man who shares his bed with the 8 year old son of his straight friend?
 
Everyone here makes it seem so cut and dried - if he cheats then leave him. But if you love someone then it's not so easy. These things can be overcome. Some guys find it difficult to change from sleeping around to the monogamous lifestyle, and the shock of being caught out might bring him to his senses and realise just what he has with you. You can get through this, and I think that it's good to try. We all make mistakes and if you think he deserves a second chance then I hope it works out. My partner and I had a little hiccup in our relationship a few years ago - similar discovery to yours regarding phone messages. It was a big shock, but we talked it through, made a few changes to our sex-life, and now are more solid than ever. Sometimes being so idealistic (ie. cheat = leave) means that you can lose sight of what is really important. Be pragmatic, not dogmatic, and you will have a much happier life.
 
Yes Spreadeagle, same man.

Thank you so much sillyfroglet. A friend of mine gave me the same advice and it's good to hear it come from a gay man. We have gotten over this "hiccup" and are back on track. It's only been 3 months (soon to be 4) and it was just 1 correspondence so I let it go and he is still attentive to me and tells me, as well as shows me, that he loves me. I really do love this man and if we can work through our problems it's all worth it.
 
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