How do I gain more confidence? So low.

[clockwork15]

Longtime stalker of these forums, decided to register and vent.

So I'm 20 and I've never had a boyfriend. My self-image is so low, it just seems to get worse as time passes. I don't like anything about myself, physically or mentally. As far as my social life goes, I know very few gay people and those that I do know I'm not very close to. It'd be nice to know more gay people, not romantically, but just to feel less alone. My friends mainly consist of straight girls.
With that in mind, I started going gay clubbing recently, mostly because I feel comfortable in that environment and very uncomfortable at straight clubs. I always feel like the straight guys are looking and laughing at me. I'm not really looking to hook up or find a quick fuck, in fact the idea of 'pulling' makes me cringe. I'm just not confident enough to do it, especially with all of my friends around.
The thing that hurts the most is that they get more attention than me. The straight guys always find them and they always end up pulling and getting their numbers etc. I can count the amount of guys that have been interested me with one hand, probably. The first time a guy came up to me was probably my first or second time at the club and he was in his 40s. I've saw him 3 times since, but only really for sex. I suppose I only see him because I want to feel needed, and I know that's a terrible reason to see someone. All of my friends laugh and call it weird and disgusting which makes me feel even better about myself, of course. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago a guy asked me if I wanted to dance but I said I had a boyfriend because I was too much of a wimp to. Another time a guy approached my friend and said if she'd kiss him his friend would kiss me. He asked me the same thing but I said she had a boyfriend (which she did) and we just ran away. Bleh, I could go through all the little could-haves but I won't. The general idea is I'm not comfortable with it but at the same time I want it. I suppose it doesn't do me any good avoiding gay guys - quite ironic really, being in a club full of them. My friends are always asking me to point people out and I never do. I avoid eye contact and if one of my friends starts talking to a gay guy I panic that she'll introduce me so I move to another area.
In short I'm just really lonely and want someone. All of my friends seem to have partners or are pulling every time they go out. But at the same time I genuinely feel like I don't deserve to find someone or be happy, I'm too ugly.

Bleh. That was a convoluted mess. I have a lot on my mind, really. I've been to a doctor and they think I have anxiety. They told me I should see a counselor but I know I wouldn't be comfortable talking about my feelings face to face. I guess my real question is where do I go from here? Am I really that ugly that nobody approaches me in clubs; gay clubs at that?

Rereading this I sound like such a negative person who's drowned in self-pity. It's probably true. Just wanted to get this out there and ask for advice.

 

[Rolyo85]

I think you should talk to a counselor. Just go, meet with them. Maybe you'll feel like opening up, or maybe you won't. Either way, they won't judge you.

Now, what I can tell you from reading your topic is that I don't think your problem is entirely related to self-esteem. I think you also haven't entirely come to terms with being gay. Why else would you feel like straight guys are laughing at you unless you believe there is something about you to be laughed at?

Now, with that in mind, you do not need to have sex with anyone just to feel wanted, especially someone you are not attracted to. That way lies heavy psychological scarring that you do not need.

I'd say focus on yourself. Friends, relationships, everything that has to do with other people - it is a natural result, not a goal to be pursued. Find hobbies, try new things. I know it sounds silly, cliche and not strong enough to match the depression you feel, but you will be surprised - SHOCKED! - by how much difference it would make. Try stuff you've never tried before, hit the gym, build yourself into a person YOU like. Because - and this is the biggest secret about making friends - people see you the way YOU see yourself. If you don't like yourself, why should anyone else? And if you love yourself, how could others not follow?

This is easier than it might seem at this very moment, trust me. And you can do it easily. If you wish to talk privately about anything - and I mean anything, I have NO personal space whatsoever - feel free to message me, or write here

 

[clockwork15]

Thanks for your reply!

Everyone I've talked to has told me to have one session with a counselor and see how it goes. I've just emailed the student counselor asking for more info about what it'll involve so I'm one step closer I suppose.
I have trouble connecting with straight guys, I have very little male friends. I guess I mostly worry that they'll stereotype me and think that I want in their pants so I just shut down and avoid eye contact etc, which in turn makes me look rude. It's not that I think being gay is something which should be laughed at, I suppose I'm just judging guys and thinking that they're going to find me laughable.
I try to better myself too, but I've been avoiding the gym for so long because of the whole straight guy issue. I have dumbbells that I lift occasionally haha. But yeah, I think working on myself is probably the best option.

 

[Rolyo85]

They won't stereotype you if you act confident. Act as if they are of no interest to you sexually, and they won't have reason to think otherwise.

Most of my close friends are male and straight. I have had no problem

 

[ZmercTheDuke]

Start eating healthy, and maybe go for a short run every day. having a healthy body, will give you loads of confidence and start making your self feel better. Try getting a new haircut and style. I use to have really long air and I was a very asocial hermit person. Once I got my hair cut short, it gave me a tons of confidence, and now im more outgoing then I have ever been. Buy new clothes and reinvent your clothing style, that can help also.

Remember counselors, are just like doctors, their not all good. If this one just work out for you and doesnt help you, try seeing a new one.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB!

I think the very same things you want are the things you're afraid of and that might be your first topic of conversation with a counselor. You're not alone and getting to the issues of negative self-talk and self sabotage will be of tremendous help. Since its a common theme in therapy your counselor ought to be equipped to help. Commit to a few sessions as it may take awhile to let your guard down and connect. Good luck.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Clockwork15,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask any question you like. Others have already given you some good advise. I tend to agree with others that you should definately try to see if you might need some professional counseling. Are you a student?

So you told us:
I should see a counselor but I know I wouldn't be comfortable talking about my feelings face to face.

I tend to think that talking with a counserlor is only fruitful when you talk about your feelings without too much problems. On the other hand, you have already set an important step te register at JUB and to make this first posting. Definately a very good and a very important step. As it means you can describe your problems for yourself, and you also have the guts to do this on a forum like JUB. Well, discussing these items with a counsellor is just another step.


Apparently (?) you are open (so not anymore in the closet), but you don't feel very comfortable when you are together with alot of straight guys.

I think you have to realize yourself that most straight guys are often surrounded by lots and lots of straight girls, during a long time of alot of days (eg. when being a student, but also often when people work).

Well, and do you really think that all straight guys want to make fun with as much of these girls as possible, and that all of these straight guys make this very, very clear to the straight girls, and day in day out?

No. That's not the case, at least for lots and lots of straight guys (and also for lots and lots of straight girls). So why do you need to be so afraid to make and to keep contact with alot of straight guys?

Most straight guys don't care, and don't bother that you are gay. I tend to think that it's just your idea, but that this idea is based on nothing. Just tell them that 'all the girls are for them' (or something like that).

Straight girls don't need to be afraid that all of the staight guys around her will try day in day out to get into their pants. Excuse me very much, but that's not how it works.

Ofcourse, straight guys like girls, and many straight guys like to talk about girls (and so on). But that not more then talking. Ofcourse, some straight guys are great womanizers, and flirt with any girl. But that's not the case for any straight guy.

So I tend to think that you are somehow not yet very comfortable with your own sexuality (=being a gay guy who does not bother what people think about him).

So that's something you really should need to work on.

Best wishes and feel free to reply.

 

[TheLyingGame]

simple.