How do I know for sure I am gay?

[G-Lexington]

>>>How fucked up am I?

Pretty.

Are you gay? Possibly/probably. But the overriding issue now is the fact that you're married to a woman. (Believe it or not, a lot of us gays believe in the sanctity of marriage, or its gay equivalent.) If you're truly in a loveless marriage, and you don't see it going anywhere, that's what you'll need to handle first before you even start dealing with your possible homosexuality.

Lex

 

[SantaCBear]

Dude! Your life is in a mess... I have no Idea were you should start in 'fixing' it.

I would say (who knows) clean the slate and start over... Take some time off and decide who/what/where you are. You MUST put your kids 1st no matter what.

 

[josher]

You are going to get a lot of grief here about being married and cheating on your wife, whether it's with a man or a woman. No matter how loveless your marriage is, you have no moral right to start a relationship or even just have sex with someone else.

People don't "become gay" because they look at porn. You're either attracted to men or you aren't. Many scientists believe homosexuality in inborn, that it's genetic.

Others think it's a combination of gentics and life experience.

In either case, it isn't unnatural, abnormal or sinful. It's just who a person is. I know your church friends won't agree with this because they interpret the Bible literally. Most mainstream Christians don't view the few passages referring to same sex activity the way you and your fellow believers do.

Since you've had longterm intimate relationships with women, it may be that you are bisexual. You are attracted to both sexes. If so you have a clear choice about who you fall in love with and/or have sex with. If you don't want to be involved with other men, you just have to choose not to be.

Some men, however are gay, but in denial about it. Many of them enter relationships with women to "prove" they aren't gay or to lead a more socially acceptable life. We've heard from many men in this situation here.

So, if you're bisexual, you need to accept that fact as simply part of who you are and decide who you want to be with sexually and/or in a relationship. Just don't try and have it both ways at once.

But if you're gay you need to own that as well. You need to overcome the conditioning from society and your Church that it's evil or abnormal. (The American Psychological Association came to the conclusion that homosexuality wasn't an illness or a mental disorder decades ago.)

You have no right to string along the guy you're seeing, even if it's only for sex. It's not fair to your wife, him or you. You have to choose between them and be honest with them.

 

[luminum]

You're realizing that you have same sex attractions and that's normal. Not everyone is decidedly one way about their sexual orientation. Some people have the option of liking people of either sex. It doesn't eman you're gay, but it does mean you're somewhere int he vicinity of being bisexual.

Unfortunately, I don't think your wife will understand if you're both Baptists. But regardless, you shouldn't be cheating on her. (See this thread and its follow ups made by a woman who found out her husband was gay and cheating on her: http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170708 and the follow up by her husband http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=177458
and http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176200)

Cheating is not the solution. I understand, though, that you're in a tough place because you're not sure if you are and don't want to lose what you haveif you discover that you aren't.

To answer your topic question, you might not be gay, but you're definitely feeling homosexual attraction. And being gay is not a choice, and it's not because of porn. Gay men and women have existed since ancient times and more notably in Greek and Roman history and that was before porn. Not to mention that most people look at gay porn because they want to see other men in action. They don't look at gay porn and then turn gay, they're gay and then look at gay porn.

The point is, when you eventually work this out, if you feel that you're not being fair to your wife and that you cannot give her what a husband should give her in all ways then it may be better for the two of you to end it. She deserves someone who wants her only and you both deserve to find happiness with someone who is everything you want.

This 20 year old, while great because he made you aware that being in a homosexual relationship isn't just about shame and disgust, is not the only fish in the sea. If you decide to embrace your same-sex attractions, you'll be open to a world where you can find someone just as amazing who is looking for a loving relationship.

 

[WYSIWYG]

Being in a loveless marriage or relationship SUCKS BIG TIME!
1. I would say you probably got married to soon. I respect the fact that there was a child out of wedlock, BUT, does not justify being alone and in a loveless relationship. (Been there done that!)

Are you gay? Sounds like you are, or it might just be finding someone on the 'rebound'!?!?!?

Being gay is NOT a CHOICE! Thought Baptists were a little further along than that!! LOL!!!!

I am happy this college student is teaching you about who you are, but like others here, I would not condone your activities since your married. (But I can see why your doing it...being alone, and having your first wife cheat on you, etc.)

I tried for 25 years to be the straight guy. Listened to family, friends, the church, and in the end I was still a very miserable and unhappy person!

I am now with my bf who loves me completely and I am very happy and contented. Glad a have a chance to be what and who I am without complications!

Best of luck to you, and I hope you find your true self mate!

 

[bluedragon4]

the kid is 20 and you are 31 so don't expect a relationship from this. You are BOTH unavailable.

 

[Eagle653]

You are going to get a lot of grief here about being married and cheating on your wife, whether it's with a man or a woman. No matter how loveless your marriage is, you have no moral right to start a relationship or even just have sex with someone else.

My .02 is that people need to get off the moral soapbox here. It's not constructive, really. You know...those without sins...throwing stones...

Anyhow, might I suggest you re-think your telling your wife about this "no matter what?" These things are tricky, and there are legal implications. One such implication is that she could sue you for adultery and her lawyers could subpoena your 20 year old friend as a witness (it's happened). That would be pretty mortifying.

If you want to come out to your wife, that's another matter. But, be strategic in how much information you want to disclose--both for legal reasons as well as for her emotional and psychological welfare. But, there too, think through how much you want her to know and how it may, or may not, come back and haunt you.

I'm a firm believer that people are entitled to as much information as they can handle. If she's anything like your church acquaintances, it's not much. What a bunch of garbage...you "weren't born that way?" "You chose to be gay?" My God, are they living in the 1950's? (Don't answer that). Did they "choose" to be straight? Could they "choose" to be gay if they wanted to? Of course not. Try throwing such silly comments back at them and they'll realize the fallacy of their logic (if you care enough to).

Good luck. You're not alone, even though it may feel like it. I hope you can extricate yourself from your marriage easily and gracefully, if that's what you want to do. And, I hope you do so with as little trauma to your wife and yourself as possible.

Finally, try to tune out all the self-righteous, holier-than-thou, judgments about coming-to-terms and experimenting with sex during a marriage. Sometimes it just happens this way. No one wanted it to, but it just does. Just tell these people to grow up, you're doing the best you can, and to mind their own business.

 

[Neji]

I don't think telling people at church is a good thing because you will almost always get the same answer from them.

 

[Shepherd 2]

There needs to be some order in the chaos.
First, find a way to end the loveless marriage.
Second, find a counselor who is not invested in your
either being gay or not and let him or her guide you.
Third if it appears you really are one of us gay men,
give yourself time to come to terms with it. Explore
the implications for your social and sexual life and identity.
Finally, after a healthy time of searching for your way,
you may be ready to decide how it is with you, gay or not gay.
There is no easy road map, and it can be confusing.
Gay is OK.
Shep+

 

[luminum]

Thanks for the input. There is no way I'd let this guy that helped me out so much get dragged in to this. I'm not going to tell her where i met him or who he is. She was an RA in a boys dorm when she was in college & called her self a "fag hag" cause most of the boys she was friends with wer gay so I think she may be a lil more understanding that some women but will still be hurt. He is not out to hardly anyone & I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to out him!

I think that if she's a self described 'fag hag' then you've got little to worry about in the way of her being extremely prejudiced. She may even be understanding. But she will probably still be hurt about the affair. Good luck to you.