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How do I know if he likes me?

B

btgk86

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I knew this guy in college and after we graduated we kind of parted ways and lost touch. 4 years later, I'm swiping on Tinder and he comes up... I swipe right and we match, and we immediately start reconnecting. Unfortunately, he was just in town for the weekend so we didn't get to go on a date or anything, and I actually moved out of state shortly afterwards for a year-long residency. However, we've kept in touch, texting almost every day and becoming pretty close I would say. A few months ago, I went to visit him and we hung out, but it stayed pretty friendly. Also, last year he started seeing a guy which he broke up with maybe about 5-6 months ago, but he tells me he's not ready to start dating again and wants to be alone, which is understandable. We still text basically all the time, and we joke around a lot and we've both told the other that they're attractive/cute or whatever - I think he's extremely attractive and hilarious and I genuinely enjoy our chats. I'm just a little worried that we've friendzoned each other, as I'm still very much into him. I'm treading carefully for now since he's told me he's not looking to start dating yet, but I really just wanna tell him or even ask him if he's still interested in me and if there's potentially a future for us to start dating (I've since finished my residency and am back in state now). However, I'm worried about potentially losing a friendship if he's not interested. I mean, we matched on Tinder so he probably was interested at some point. Any advice on how to approach this?
 
I mean, we matched on Tinder so he probably was interested at some point.
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It's important to recognize that people use Tinder for a variety of different things. Some use it to find dates, some to find friends, and some use it for hookups. They could've been interested in a hook-up but not dating. Or in finding friends.
And, since the two of you knew each other already they may have swiped just to get the chance to reconnect rather than to date. Even they'd been looking for dates, there is a possibility they swiped for platonic reasons in this instance.

Now, I'm not saying there's no interest, I'm saying it's not a safe bet to assume there is/was.

I think for now, your friend is not in the right mindset to pursue talking about these feelings. If they don't want to date, and you tell them your feelings, they reciprocate, well now they're in an awkward place where they don't want to date right now but have someone expressing interest in dating. Imagine how that might cause some distress for them? And if they're not dating because they're still squaring away baggage before jumping into a relationship, they decide to get into one pre-maturely, then the relationship is on a bit weaker foundation than maybe it should be.

You should talk about this with your friend. Eventually. Or you need to make a decision that this relationship is not going to happen and start recontextualizing this guy as just a friend. You do need to be okay with losing them as a friend. That's implicit risk and if you're really not okay with it, being rejected is going to be so much worse.
 
btgk86 said:
...I'm just a little worried that we've friendzoned each other, as I'm still very much into him...
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And there's nothing wrong with being friendzoned if there's no practical way that you can date.

You don't say how much distance there is between where the two of you live but it sounds like this was a lucky reconnection with an old friend.


btgk86 said:
... I'm treading carefully for now since he's told me he's not looking to start dating yet, but I really just wanna tell him or even ask him if he's still interested in me and if there's potentially a future for us to start dating (I've since finished my residency and am back in state now). However, I'm worried about potentially losing a friendship if he's not interested. I mean, we matched on Tinder so he probably was interested at some point. Any advice on how to approach this?
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Your chance to find out may have passed.

He's giving you all the standard excuses (e.g. "I'm still getting over my ex") that people use when they're not interested in dating someone. It sounds like the two of you really connect and enjoy each other's friendship. If you're lucky, dating lasts a matter of weeks or months; on the other hand, friendships can last a lifetime.
 
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