How do I play hard to get??

[Kitesurfboi]

I have a problem and its about a boy.

A little background on me first:
I'm 27 and have been repressing my sexuality for years. I have always know I liked guys but didnt hated myself for it and avoided puting myself in situations where I might look. A few months back my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he's young, fit, clean diet and thankfully is on the road to rcovery, however it made me think about my life and I decided that life is much too short to be making myself this unhappy. I have almost accepted I am gay and I am trying really hard to undo the self-hating and lack of confidence that I have created over the years, but it doesnt happen over night. So I started talking to people on the local scene and I met a boy.

About him:
He's 23, sooo gorgeous and ultra fashionable, neither of which I am but I am good looking and I have a good body, geting better by the week. He's very confident in himself and has had a few boyfriends and flings. We work in similar industries and we get on amazingly well.

The situation:
I kissed him on the first date and ended up taking him home, he stayed till 7pm the following day. We saw each other again the next friday and he stayed again. He said he really liked me and wanted me to be his bf. We planned to meet up on the sunday as he was off on monday and we said we'd go out for dinner, my first public date with him other than when we first met. Ok so I had all day to think about the date and well I got myself in a bit of a panic. I felt ugly and not good enough to be with him and when we met I was in a mess and nearly blew it all together. He asked what was wrong and I explained about my insecurity and laid waay to much info on him. But we went for dinner andyway and drinks afterwards, where I proceeded to get very drunk and when we got home he was all over me but I was too drunk to do anything and then I had to puke, not good. I was pretty down and ashamed the following day and we were both really hungover but I ended up bottoming with him, my first time.
The atmosphere was weird after and when he left I I thought for a while as asked if I had scared him off last night. He said I would see him again but maybe now wasnt the time for us to be serious and he had his doubts about me. So this last week I have texted him way more than he has me but I cant seem to stop. We were supposed to meet up after work xmas parties this weekend but he was too drunk and went home. He did call me to give him a lift to collect his car the next day and he kept holding my had, feeling me up and we kissed. He said he's see me sunday but I never heard from him so I sent a message about three and he said he was hanging out at friends watching a dvd and he didnt feel well but he's come round later. Anyways later comes and I get a text sayin he's feeling il and just going to go home. After that we have a bit of text banter and things seem ok. However I know he's off today and tomorrow but I havent heard from him, not texts, nothing. Like when I wake up the first thing I want to do is text him. So I've sent one text today asking if he's feeling better and I'm resisting soo hard not to text again. I just want him to get in touch with me. I mean I think he really likes me but is just spooked and I know my barrage of texts is making things worse but I dont know how to do this and I'm mad about him, I just want to spend all my time with him.

So how do I play hard to get without going mad?

 

[G-Lexington]

The question is flawed, in my opinion. You shouldn't be playing "hard to get". After what's gone on, it isn't time for more games. You just need to let him know that you're moving on, that you're making progress.

So first off, slow down on the texting. That's not "playing hard to get" - it's doing your best not to freak him out. Keep them simple and friendly. Secondly, work on strengthening your relationship outside the bedroom for a bit. Suggest meeting up and doing things that are activity-based - go see a holiday parade, do some shopping together. Or perhaps go as a larger group. When you do get together, stay friendly, and avoid being clingy. Just enjoy your time together. If you do that, he'll be more likely to do the same.

...and you ARE making progress, right? You are still working on accepting your homosexuality and all that?

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

So how do I play hard to get without going mad?

Don't play anything.

This isn't a game.

He knows where you are in the big picture. He can decide whether he's ready to take on the burden of someone who is just coming out and who has self-image issues.

The question for you is whether you're ready for this. It's good that you've reached a point where you're not living in the closet. It's good that you're dating. It's good that you're putting yourself out there emotionally.

But you're in over your head at the moment. And without a support network of friends to help you through this, you may be in for a big hurt.

What is uncertain at this time is what you're planning on doing to work through these issues?

 

[Kitesurfboi]

Well it doesnt matter now becuase he dumped me 10mins ago via MSN, how nice is that? I feel so stupid and used.

 

[LoveIsNow]

Well, there you go - life lesson (not to be mean, but ...).

Did he give a reason?

 

[KaraBulut]

I feel so stupid and used.

Don't.

You've come a long way in a short time. You should give yourself credit for that and for having the balls to act upon it.

Lessons in life don't come without pain. So, pick yourself up and learn from it.

 

[Kitesurfboi]

Sigh ok so this guy is confusing me.

we're talking on msn he says:
you're getting on my nerves,
I say fine cya then (in jest as we usually do)
he says ok bye
I say r u serious??
he says yes
I say stop being mean
he says I'm not
I say your being nasty
he says its best in the long run
then silence.
I try to call his cell 3 times, he doesnt answer and goes offline so I leave a message which says "dont do this to me over MSN, talk to me."

15mins later he's back online and 10mins after that I get "hoi"
I say yes?
he says I just heard your voicemail, I'm sorry I was teasing you.
I say you dont get to play with me like that. He appologises again.
then he asks if we're doing xmas presents.
??????

 

[G-Lexington]

I'd say no, you're not exchanging Christmas gifts. Because, honestly, it IS best in the long run.

Lex

 

[saymyname]

Sounds like he's messing with your head. Don't let him know you're freaking out, and do ask him to stop. He wants to have the emotional control in the relationship, and you're giving it to him (join the club!) by letting him know you care so much. Now I see why you wanted to play hard to get... hard to get isn't the best idea, but definitely don't come off as being so vulnerable. Anyone else agree?

 

[954dude]

Be a tease...give very little but hold back strongly!

 

[Lube]

You never want to come off as desperate, vulnerable, lonely, needy or clingy. You always want to come off as independent, secure, and able to stand on your own two feet, with or without a relationship - but also caring and willing to love as a choice, not as a need. The best way to "come off as" those is to actually be those. So just be those and all the rest will be easier.

Great advice.

The problem with playing hard-to-get is that someday, when you're boyfriends, you'll no longer be hard to get (unless you act like a woman and use sex as a weapon). And if the only reason he was interested in you is because you were hard to get, then he'll no longer be interested in you.

Guys have played hard-to-get with me, and I just drop them like flies.

I have zero interest in playing that game.