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How do you combat profound loneliness?

T

TheBlueOfNight

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I try to combat my maddening loneliness by going on Craigslist. But it fails 99.99% of the time. And I am so unlearned in having any kind of sex that I am like a kid (I'm 34) in the presence of other grown men. I don't know how to relate to them. Or I feel like I'm fumbling around in the dark looking for something while I'm trying to have oral sex. Plus, I'm rarely interested in sex when I actually meet the guy at the other end of the computer. I'm just looking for someone to talk to - and sometimes (rarely) they are too. But I never make any meaningful, lasting connections. I'm becoming so lonely because of it - and because all of what I've said applies to my entire life (not just sexual) - that it's making me ill. I shake everyday and into the night. My mind is racing all day and all night. I have no one to talk to - and I don't know how to change it. I've said all of this on social anxiety message boards - but I've never found venting or getting feedback from others to be of any help to me. I don't even know why I'm here. Or there. I don't listen to anyone. I'm just a hot mess.
 
I guess I came here for the same reason I keep visiting Craigslist. I know there's men here. And I'm horny. I once spent an entire afternoon three years ago just going from one public bathroom to another in my city. I got a huge natural high from it. It completely eliminated any psychological distress. Just knowing that every man that came in the bathroom was there to touch his penis (most probably nonsexually) was like euphoria to me. I couldn't resist it. Coming here or going to Craigslist feels like a virtual reality version of that.
 
Welcome to JUB. I might be going out on a limb, but I think most gay men feel awkward around other men at some time in their lives. And, that can include being around other gay men too. I say this because I don't think you're some kind of freak or something for feeling this way.

You're giving yourself a lot of mixed messages and some unhealthy ones. It's snowballing you into being paralyzed socially. I agree with you that you need to talk, and in your case, I think the first place to do that would be with a therapist who can guide you, professionally, through your thoughts and feelings and give you the confidence you need to move forward with social relationships.

It can be very difficult to form significant relationships through internet sites like CL and others. You really don't know who's on the other end, and what they really want. You'd have better luck striking up conversations at coffee houses or a gym than responding to ads on the internet.

If you did visit with a therapist, here are some things to think about and be able to discuss honestly and in some detail: What is your goal? Is it to meet a guy? Why? For friendship or sex, or both? What kind of guy (what's your type)? What is your timetable? Do you want a circle of friends, or a sexual outlet? What do you mean when you say you feel clumsy and awkward? How do you think you can get past that? Experience?

Finally, do you really want to find a solution and live a different life? I ask that because sometimes failure can be a self-fulfilling prophecy and a rut in which someone actually feels comfortable and at home. On an abstract level, they can wish things were different, but change can be threatening and unnerving too. In other words, be determined in what you want, and make it happen.

Good luck to you. You are not alone. Keep in touch and let us know what you're doing.
 
I can relate. I'm 35 and have only had one casual encounter (and it wasn't that great). I wish I was more comfortable with being gay and put myself out there in my early twenties but I was just confused and scared. Now in my 30's I am struggling to get any attention at all and have no idea how to flirt and have only been on a couple of dates with guys who are completely incompatible with me. Like you, I also have sexual needs that aren't being met but I know I won't feel comfortable going to Grindr or something because that's just not me. I need to have a real encounter with someone who cares about me enough to introduce me to new things rather than just meet up, have sex, and leave. I also fear i'd look like a fool if I even tried to "hook up". Plus, i'm extremely body conscious.

I guess the point of me replying here is that I just wanted to say you aren't alone and I have some similar feelings.
 
For me, work and hobbies are often enough of a distraction. Those sites are useless and detrimental especially if you're not really looking for sex.

There must be some activity you like, and through that you can make friends. Feel free to share your interests :)
 
I think you need to get out from behind the computer and get outside of yourself....leave your comfort zone.

Easy peasy....I swear...you just have to do it. Volunteer at a soup kitchen....join a gay bowling league...or volleyball team...or join any number of gay groups. Let things unfold organically....that is how it has been done for years and years..don't let modern technology convince you otherwise.

The problem with computers..you are meeting an avatar. On the human interaction scale..it really isn't too healthy.
 
You mentioned going from public toilet to public toilet entire day gives you a high.
Why not visit gay sauna or bath houses ? Plenty of people go there for chit chat and not just for sex.
 
TheBlueOfNight said:
I try to combat my maddening loneliness by going on Craigslist. But it fails 99.99% of the time. And I am so unlearned in having any kind of sex that I am like a kid (I'm 34) in the presence of other grown men. I don't know how to relate to them. Or I feel like I'm fumbling around in the dark looking for something while I'm trying to have oral sex. Plus, I'm rarely interested in sex when I actually meet the guy at the other end of the computer. I'm just looking for someone to talk to - and sometimes (rarely) they are too. But I never make any meaningful, lasting connections. I'm becoming so lonely because of it - and because all of what I've said applies to my entire life (not just sexual) - that it's making me ill. I shake everyday and into the night. My mind is racing all day and all night. I have no one to talk to - and I don't know how to change it. I've said all of this on social anxiety message boards - but I've never found venting or getting feedback from others to be of any help to me. I don't even know why I'm here. Or there. I don't listen to anyone. I'm just a hot mess.
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Get involved in some activities and meet guys that way. Are you into Tech? Go to Gay themed tech events. Are you into a gamer? Find some Gaymers. Do you like to travel? Join a gay traveling group.

I think once you start meeting people with similar interests who are gay, you may have a better opportunity to make lasting connections, and allow them to develop romantically, given you are not successful at converting hookups.

Where are you located? This can help us contextualize advice.
 
If I see people who might be lonely, I say hi to them, maybe invite them out to coffee if I haven’t seen them in a while. That’s how I combat it.
 
Therapy might be helpful to help address some of the deeper issues you're feeling.
 
Tried to give you a detailed reply just before this press post quick reply but system wouldnt allow me ???????
 
I must say as my 2nd previous reply WOULD not reply . You need to develop personality and have confidence . All people notice these things straight and gay . Put the brain into gear and try it. I am an older person and I think I am wise
 
Read books, watch films, make courses, contact your friends or try to make some.
Occupy your mind. It works for me. I´m lonely, but I don´t feel it so much because I keep myself busy.
 
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