How do you come out to yourself? Need advice.

[philip21]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm sure similar threads have been posted here, but I just wanted to express how I'm feeling. I know I'm gay but I really can't accept it inside of me, it's like if I were rejecting it continously and I know I'm hurting myself and feel so miserable. I know there's nothing wrong with me, but I can't come to terms with that. I grew up in a very homophobic environment and since before knowing I was gay I was afraid of ever being like that. And what I hate the most is that on the outside I behave straight as if everything was fine. I also feel bad because I only feel attracted to straight guys. The only time I've had gay sex was with a friend, and we were both drunk, I had told him before how I felt and somehow it was related and it happened. He's straight though, but that happened years ago, and since then our friendship grew cold and I haven't heard of him for a couple of years. So basically no one knows of my situation. I have friends but I feel really scared of telling them (let alone my parents), because you can't tell someone that unless you feel comfortable with it yourself. It's very sad because I'm hurting myself with that but I really can't accept it, I know there's nothing I can do about it but I don't like being gay, and I'm scared of what would happen if I decided to tell people. I just don't have the guts to come out. I hate living a lie and I feel I'm missing out on so many experiences because of that. People think I'm straight and I don't feel myself attracted to gay guys, I don't know why. I feel bad I can't tell any straight guy that I like him because it would be pointless. How would I meet gay guys without coming out? What's your view on all this? Am I too negative? Do you all go through that?
Thanks for your advice.

 

[hummer7979]

One thing that really helped me is getting to know a lot of different types of gay people. It made me realize how inconsequential the label "gay" can be and it made me feel comfortable with it. Being gay does not dictate your personality.

One of the best ways to see different gay perspectives is to just go on Youtube and search for gay vloggers. You may be surprised how varied gay people can be.

 

[racer2438]

Please be proud of who you are. Please know that there are people who can not accept you, as you are, no matter if you're Gay or Straight. Be true to yourself & accept that you're Gay. If you're not ready to come out to family or friends, then that's OK. But you should accept yourself so that you'll be happy.

Very well said,

It may also have some timing involved, it may just not be the right time for you to come out until you have come to terms and are happy who and what you are. Dont pressure your self to do something you are not ready yet. Only you will know when the time is right.

But dont make your self unhappy..

 

[Adan0316CumOnMe]

I have a question when you say your not attracted to gay men are you talking about queen over the top when I talk rainbow and glitter fly out my mouth gays?? You say your only attracted to straight men but how do you know they are really straight? You say all your friends think your straight so what makes you think that other guys aren't the same way? But like everyone else has said open up to at least yourself and open up to your friends slowly ... I opened up to a group of friends last night and a guy came sat on my lap and asked me if he turned me on ... when I told him no he got mad saying he sucks at life and can't even turn gay men on lol

 

[philip21]

You pose an interesting problem and it's one that many of us have been through. You don't say what your circumstances are - age, location, work or college - as they are somewhat important factors in your situation.

It was my own experience that not coming out to myself was terribly damaging to me both psychologically and even physically (stress, lack of sleep etc.) but the dynamics of whether to come out to yourself first or others is a weird one - it kinda happens at the same time IMO.

All I can say is that once you come out your life will change - including how you feel about guys (both gay and straight). You probably feel attracted to straight guys because you know you can't have them - it's a self-defence mechanism.

As for being too negative? Well as long as you're conflicted and torn apart internally like this then you can't help but be negative IMO.

Tell us more about yourself and your circumstances if you can.

Thank you for sharing your story with us thus far.

Hi, thanks for your reply. I'm 25 years old although I look younger. I live in Australia and I finished uni about 3 years ago. At the moment I'm working although I'm not generally satisfied and I'm looking for other jobs at the same time. I don't really know what to do with my life so I don't really have one goal professionally speaking, something that somehow annoys me. My parents are separated and I'm an only son. I don't really get along with them, which is sad, but I've sort of accepted that. I only see my mother since my father lives in another country, and I haven't seen him for a very long time, although we still keep in touch. I was raised up as a good Catholic boy but I don' t think that had to do with coming out at all, about the time I turned 18 I decided to become an atheist, so I'm not religious. In my case I never became fully aware of my homosexuality until I was quite old(for that anyhow), about 19 or so. I know that before there was an attraction to my friends and classmates, but it wasn't sexual, maybe romantic. I could see a man naked, whatever, it wouldn't turn me on. I remember having liked girls. it's weird I don't feel that way anymore. But since I went to uni or shortly afterwards it's when I started feeling sexually attracted to men. It was nothing of a surprise, but as time went by and when I realized that there was no way back is when I worried. I also have other issues I'd need to deal with that have not to do with sexual identity. I believe I'm depressed and I think I should go and see a psychologist. I do have friends but for the last couple of years I feel that I'm getting sadder and sadder. I feel I don't enjoy life as much as I could, I feel down many times and I'm in no mood to do things that I enjoyed before.
I'm afraid of meeting guys (straight) and become friends with them because I think I'll end up falling for them and being in that situation sucks. Once I told my best friend that I loved him and even though he was very understanding and all that there was nothing I or he could do. I'm not sure if that affected our friendship, I think we just grew apart, we moved to different places and since then I haven't heard of him. But that happened more than two years ago.
So I guess what pisses me off the most is the gay issue. I suppose I don't wanna be gay because I have always associated homosexuality with the bad things I've seen and been told when I was growing up. I've come to be that what I disliked. I feel I've dissapointed my parents and it's worse because I'm their only son.
It's not that I don't wanna admit that I'm gay, I just can't live with it, it makes me very sad and unhappy and I hate myself for that. I have nothing against homosexuality, but living a gay life is tough. i wished I could be like any of my friends. I wish I could like footy and wait for Friday just to watch the match at the pub while drinking beer and then shag your girlfriend. It'd be so much easier.
I thought about meeting gay guys, but I'm really scared, because to do that I'd have to come out and I don't want to do that. Apart from that, of the few gay people I've met, I just didn't feel attracted to them, they were not my type. Too femenine in my opinion. I'm just not that sort of guy either. So how do you meet gay guys without having to go to a gay bar and come out? That considering meeting gay people would fix my issue.
BTW when you say I feel only attracted to straight guys as a mechanism of self defense, what do you mean?
Thanks for you help and interest. I really appreciate it.

 

[philip21]

I have a question when you say your not attracted to gay men are you talking about queen over the top when I talk rainbow and glitter fly out my mouth gays?? You say your only attracted to straight men but how do you know they are really straight? You say all your friends think your straight so what makes you think that other guys aren't the same way? But like everyone else has said open up to at least yourself and open up to your friends slowly ... I opened up to a group of friends last night and a guy came sat on my lap and asked me if he turned me on ... when I told him no he got mad saying he sucks at life and can't even turn gay men on lol

HI, thanks for your reply. So far I've met few gay men, always before knowing they were gay. I don't know, they just looked too girly, their voices, mannerisms and all that. I guess you know what I mean. I'm sure most of my(male) friends are straight because they either have girlfriends or have had them. But I also wish any of them were gay. I'm not sure what they may think about me in that way. I think they think I'm maybe too shy or something like that. I'm not really a blokey sort of guy either, I'm not into sports or action films, I like art and books so i suppose they could also think that I may be gay, but if they don't tell me they either don't wanna hurt me or they're not that close to me yet. I always use the excuse I'm too busy or I don't get to meet many girls. The problem is that I'm getting to an age in which I won't be able to use that much longer. I'm just scared of coming out and I'm not sure it's all worth.

 

[BiOzGuy18]

Your story is much like mine. Where in Oz are you? Please pm me, would love to talk more.

 

[G-Lexington]

Coming out to yourself is basically just another term for coming to grips with it. And no, it's not an overnight sort of thing, but it's doable, even if you did grow up in a homophobic environment.

First off, a bit of a rethink is in order. Something you need to learn right off the bat - there is no "gay life". You can still like footy, go to the pub on Friday to drink beer and watch the match, and then go home to have sex. It's just that the person you have sex with is gonna have a penis. Personally, I dress in T-shirts and jeans, listen to rock music, and have season tickets to a contact sport. But me like-y the dick-y, so I'm gay. Your sexuality means only that you're going to be dating guys, having sex with guys, and (presumably at one point) have a steady boyfriend rather than a girlfriend. Nothing else need change.

I would encourage you to get to know some gay people. Having them in your life will immediately help break down some misconceptions you have, and also give you people to talk to about being gay should you choose to. And do so even if they're a bit "femm-y". It's very common for the "newly out" to have some issues with effeminate guys. There's that feeling that "people are going to think I'm like THAT", and "if only gays were more like ME, nobody would have a problem with homosexuals". But here's the deal - femmy guys actually kick ass. Why? Because their effeminate "act" is no act at all. They're not acting like that - they ARE like that. Their attitude is "this is who I am, and if you don't like it, fuck it". Which, if you think about it, is an extremely healthy way to live. And their self-acceptance, hopefully, can start rubbing off on you.

So where do you meet gay people? Everywhere. Most cities of some size have a "gay area" of town. You don't have to hit the clubs if you don't want to, and in fact, I think it'd be better if you wet elsewhere. You like "books and art", so hit the small bookstores and art galleries. Start some conversations. See what happens. Or, look online. See if there's a book club you can join.

>>>when you say I feel only attracted to straight guys as a mechanism of self defense, what do you mean?

I'll answer, and if I'm wrong, he can set me straight (PDI). Falling for straight guys is quite often a self-defense thing. Why? Because it keeps you from acting. "Gee, I AM gay, and I'd LOVE to do something about it, but since the guy I'm into is straight, I guess I can't do anything." It gives you a reason to not make a move. But if the guy were gay, you couldn't use that excuse. You'd have to find another reason not to make a move.

Lex

 

[thewiz]

Your story is interesting in that parts of it are a reflection of my journey of coming out -- my problem was it took me almost 48 years to finally do so.

You mentioned that you were raised Catholic but you moved toward atheist. While I left the Catholic Church for a good while (and went through varied religions including none but have since come back to Catholic)....the belief that homosexuality is "wrong" or that gays are broken is seared into our minds over the years. A good priest friend of mine called it, "Instilling Holy Guilt." We can try to deny something but after years of reinforcement, it remains lodged as part of our being.

For me, it was getting to a point of sadness and depression that made me eat and gain weight, hoping to have a heart attack or commit suicide that brought me to face that which I had tried to deny and "fix" for so many years.

I wanted to change but I was afraid to change. My life was "perfect" if I wanted the white picket fence and the "good life" of a straight man. But I was absolutely miserable and no one knew but me as I wrestled with thoughts and feelings.

I took the step of going to a large city and going to gay clubs (and a bathhouse--a WHOLE other story! LOL!) in Chicago. I found that "gay" guys were not the same. Not all of us have a swish when we walk nor do we flit our hands and roll our eyes. I have been amazed at all of the guys I thought were "straight" that are either bisexual or gay.

Gay guys come in black, white, Asian, Latino....everything. Some are feminine but many are very masculine. Most people have no idea I'm gay (hell I had to finally tell a staff friend I was gay because she kept wanting to set me up with friends!)

Sometimes your attraction may be a false desire; sometimes it may be that your gaydar is picking up something for which you are not tuned to seeing!

It starts with being comfortable with yourself. For me it was just saying "I am gay" that turned out to be the three hardest but easiest words I've uttered. I did so while alone in a large city and finally finding what made me happy. I know since I moved to DC, I've talked to a number of guys and helped them work through the process; for me, guys here did that but it is much easier if you have someone in which you can confide and share your inner torment.

Good luck and know we are here for you!

 

[philip21]

Thanks for all your replies. At least I have something to think about. As you have said, my biggest fear of coming out it's not only what they'll think, it's all the preconceptions about homosexuality that I've built up in my mind over all these years. I think at the moment I'm not ready to come out, I don't even think about it. I'm too scared to do that and I think you've been really brave to do so. I know I keep on running from it, but I can't help but keep on thinking that I'm quite unfortunate, that I have to be hiding something that should be natural and that I won't be able to tell a guy that I love him because it'd be totally out of place. Hopefully one day my views will change, but I reckon it's still a long way from here.

 

[KaraBulut]

I think at the moment I'm not ready to come out

Well alright. But do yourself a favor and make some gay and bi friends. It would do you a world of good to learn a little bit about gay people and it would get rid of a lot of these misconceptions. And you could use some friends to talk to...

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I don't even think about it. I'm too scared to do that and I think you've been really brave to do so.

A few things to think about on this subject.

I don't know anybody who wishes they hadn't come out. They may regret it when it first happens, when they have to deal with some issues. And some aren't happy about the exact time or circumstances surrounding it. But I have yet to meet someone, say, a year down the line who says "I wish I'd stayed in".

Until you do come out, you're stuck. You won't be able to date, or have a serious boyfriend. All your sexual encounters will be fleeting, and filled with "I hope nobody finds out". Whatever else "coming out" entails, one major - if not THE major - thing is that you can put all that bullshit behind you. You can just get on with your fucking life without having to obsess over who knows, what might they think, I-fancy-him-but-is-he-discreet, the whole nine yards. It's a return to normalcy, in a way.

Stop waiting for yourself to become "used to it". Start taking active steps. Do go meet some gay people. Do befriend them. Doing so won't "out" you. Straight friends have gay friends - we all do. You may not have started thinking about coming out, but I'd urge you to at least start doing that. How would you come out? To this person, to that person? Would you want to make any changes to your life post-coming out? Because, frankly, you don't have to. As I said, you can still go to the pub, down some pints, and cheer 'til you're hoarse. Gay guys do that. Probably some at your pub, too.

Lex