How long do I let a guy keep his dating app?

[BeaverCleavage]

I met a guy on Grindr and we have gotten pretty serious. We aren't officially dating but we have a mutual respect. I deleted my grinder and various other apps but he still kept his grindr. Does this mean he really isn't ready? At what point should I expect him to lose the app? He kisses me goodbye and then goes and signs on to grindr later that day, which is kind of unfair to me.

 

[HunterM]

We aren't officially dating but we have a mutual respect.

If you are not officially dating, then he can see other people. You too can date other people.

Even if you are officially dating...during casual dating phase, anybody can date other people, fuck other people, etc. If you want exclusive dating, then you had better talk to him about going that direction. You have to let him know he and you wouldn't be able to date or fuck other people. Ask him how he would feel about that. You have to talk about it. DON'T ASSUME everyone understands what exclusive dating is...or your idea of exclusive dating.

There are couples who are in a long term committed relationship...but they also open up for threesomes or whatever.

 

[Rolyo85]

1. You don't get to "let" or "not let" a bf do ANYTHING. You can suggest, discuss, and ask. You don't make demands and you are not entitled to anything other than respect. EVEN and ESPECIALLY if you are in an exclusive relationship.

"You can't be on Grindr if you are with me!" kills relationships.
"Hey, I am not super comfortable with you being on Grindr while we are together. Do you think you could delete it?" can strengthen them.

2. Being on Grindr - or any other app - is not automatically a sign of looking to date or have sex. I have never deleted Grindr while in relationships. I just change the reason for being there, which is - to interact with guys and make friends.

3. There are absolutely no rules in dating. Every situation is and SHOULD be unique, because people are different. Your perfect relationship isn't the one that fits all the prerequisite criteria, but the one that works best for YOU and whoever you are with.


The best advice I can give you is - communicate, do not assume, and don't think in stereotypes.

 

[KaraBulut]

Reinstall Grindr. Set your relationship status. Assume that he's using the app to check out other guys. If that bothers you, then that is something you should discuss with him. Grindr (or any of the other half dozen apps out there) aren't the issue- your questioning of his commitment to you is the issue that you should be talking to him about.

Don't assume that deleting Grindr = commitment. If he's going to cheat, he doesn't need a smartphone app to do it.

If someday you both decide to drop the window-shopping as part of your commitment to the relationship, then you can both delete it together as part of that commitment.

 

[AstareGod]

The posters above have very good advice. If it's not Grindr, it's one of the other half-dozen apps or websites, like Find Fred, Scruff, Adam4Adam, Manhunt, and all the others. There will always be new apps around the corner, and it will be a constant struggle making sure your boyfriend has nothing of the sort on his phone when you two become exclusive.

I learned something important from one of my past relationships: My last boyfriend used Grindr and it bothered me while he and I were together. Now I've realized having Grindr on your phone doesn't matter at all. The important thing is that you trust each other to remain exclusive. If you equate having Grindr with cheating, or intending to cheat, your heart will be broken every time you catch him on it. It's not worth it. Learn to trust him, even if he has that silly app on his phone.

In my next relationship, I will not ask my boyfriend to relinquish his use of Grindr or any other app or website. That may seem like you're giving up control, but you're not; by giving him freedom, you're actually taking control of your emotions and not allowing something like Grindr to eat you up from inside. Honesty, trust, and communication are more important.

 

[Seasoned]

This is the type of thing you talk about when the timing is right. "Expecting," "demanding," or attempting to control makes you co-dependent and turns the relationship sour. There are no hostages in a healthy relationship, just two volunteers who set common goals and ground rules. There is no "one size fits all" formula. If you want something, you ask for it.

 

[Gekishinken]

The whole app and website thing breeds distrust.

One of my exes used adam4adam when we had been dating for about five months exclusively. He claimed it was just to make gay friends, even though I saw him list his penis size on there and had his meeting location set as "your place". It really impacted our relationship and led to me not trusting him anymore. We broke up three months later. About a month after we broke up he was using his adam4adam account again.

Be upfront with your feelings on the subject and have an open discussion about it. If you guys don't communicate then the relationship is doomed to eventual failure.

 

[BeaverCleavage]

Gekishinken, that's exactly what I'm talking about! Plus, even though I deleted the app he gets jealous or questions me when I am talking to another gay guy, even just as a friend. This is why I don't see how it's okay for him but not okay for me. Of course, I will always present things as a suggestion or a way of letting him know how I feel as opposed to demanding that he delete the app. It just doesn't seem fair that I have to make the sacrifices but then tomorrow he may just end up meeting someone else that sparks his interest and ditching me for that person. That's my biggest fear and I certainly communicated that.

The reason I made this thread was to ask you guys how you would feel if you were in my position. I've had people give me similar advice that you guys have given me and at the same time I've had people tell me, "Hell no! He needs to get off of there. If everything he says to you is true, he shouldn't need to be looking for other people."

And the profile he has set up is not a chatting/making friends profile, it's a dating profile. "Looking to meet some new people by me. Message me and find out more about me! Interested in a long term relationship. Single."

 

[KaraBulut]

Gekishinken, that's exactly what I'm talking about! Plus, even though I deleted the app he gets jealous or questions me when I am talking to another gay guy, even just as a friend. This is why I don't see how it's okay for him but not okay for me.

Why? Guilt. Because he assumes that everyone is up to the same things that he is.

The issue for both of you is that you're playing tug of war and blaming the rope. It's not the rope- it's both of you pulling back and forth that is making all of this difficult for both of you.

What everyone is telling you is that this isn't about Grindr. It's about trust and communication. If you don't fix the trust and communication, your relationship is headed for the rocks. Fast.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, your last paragraph puts a new spin on things. You didn't say it in your OP that his profile is a dating profile. In that case the conversation you need to have has nothing to do with Grindr, but with determining what it is that the two of you are doing, and how serious does he see it as.

And stop using the word "fair". This isn't kindergarden. There is no set of rules, and no universal authority in relationships. There is no "fair", there is no "unfair". There is what works, and what doesn't work.

And lack of communication most definitely does not work.

 

[Seasoned]

Rather than "unfair," your relationship seems unbalanced, given that he expects things from you that he's not willing to do (or not do) in return. Unless the two of you sort out what you desire from your relationship you're not likely to have one that is healthy and/or long lasting. If he's controlling and jealous, I'd say he's not bf material.

 

[bruce379]

When you are giving him more sex than he can handle, that's when he deletes it himself

 

[Georgiadude]

I agree this is a major trust issue and the two of you don't seem to have the same understanding of your relationship. Either that or he's trying to control you. Could be both. Either way you're in deep water. I dated a guy for 18 months and he would get very jealous if I was talking to my guy friends or went out to the bars. He'd call my phone wanting to know where I was etc even though I had already told him. Yet if I asked about his friends I was prying into his personal life. I'd check a few sites and sure enough he was on there. We broke up after I caught him cheating and to this day I have major trust issues. Even with people I'm not dating. You need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about where you guys are at relationship wise. Don't be played for a fool like I was. Listen to what he has to say but make sure your feelings and wishes are heard. If he can't respect them then you need to part ways.

Steven

 

[bruce379]

If you are really a couple, as in real, then you should introduce him to your friends and he should introduce you to his. Regardless of where either of your friends come from: be it from grindr, or scruff or gay bars or sex parties or family or high school or acquaintances, etc. You deserve to know his friends even if they just talk regularly on grinder and he deserves to know yours. This might take time but you need to spell this out so that neither of you are hiding this fling here or an ex there, etc. You must develop mutual trust with transparency and communication with each other.

 

[Rolyo85]

I just realized something that was staring us from the OP. How did OP know his boy was going on Grindr if he'd deleted his?!

 

[Rolyo85]

I guess we'll never know...

 

[archfan13]

I'm having some issues with this also. I asked the guy I am with why he has one still, not to get rid of it. His reason was "to check messages but I don't respond." I ask why he cares, he doesn't have a reason. Now, I still have mine because I'm a baby lol and I'm not going to delete mine if he doesn't delete his. He also never asked me to delete mine - if he did/does, I would/will. For awhile, he didn't go on, but I would still go on to see if he went on. Which is a bit silly, I know. I'm well aware, trust me. And he went on after like a 2 week break and said he was now going on not to check messages, but to "see how often you go on". I have some major trust issues I'm really trying to work through which is why I was checking to see if he went on. Now, I started by doing it daily but then it was where I was only checking like ever 3 or 4 days and starting to trust him more. So I don't know if any of this helped at all, and I know I'm not being the most mature in the situation, but I at least think I'm working on it/showing progress.

 

[bankside]

There are lots of guys who look at personals sites or apps (just because they like the pix of hot guys, because it's way more erotic than staged porn) who have all the self control in the world and would never think of actually connecting with someone.

Those are also the same guys with enough self control to delete the app if it is making their boyfriends even a bit uncomfortable.