How NOT to fall in love with your FWB?

[RobUK2]

Hi

Need help here... Kinda getting into a situation, and don't really know what to do...

I've been speaking with this guy on-line. He's so nice, we seem to have so much in common, we've swapped pics, we've done everything possible to make sure we're both genuine (without actually meeting - swapped MSN addresses, e-mails, Facebook). He's engaged to this girl (they've agreed to a 'polyamorous' relationship - it's all 'above board'). After chatting for a while, I suggested a 'Friends-with-Benefits' relationship (we seemed to get on so well, always making each other laugh, and with his gf, we both knew a LTR was unlikely).

We're meeting up in a few weeks, but I'm worried that the more and more we talk, the more I wonder if I'm falling for him. Although he has a polyamorous relationship with his fiancée, it does have strict limits - we couldn't have a 'boyfriend-boyfriend'-type relationship. I know he loves her, and she loves him, so I wouldn't want to split them up even if I could.

For all I know, he DOESN'T feel the same towards me, but IF he does, what should I do? And what if he doesn't feel the same, but I do feel more? Am I just setting myself up for some heartbreak?

I TRY to contact him less, but then he e-mails me and he cheers me up so much, I've replied before I can even stop to think about it... Plus, if I feel this way and he DOESN'T, I can't really just ignore him because I'd be punishing him for MY feelings - he's done nothing wrong! What on Earth do I do?

 

[G-Lexington]

First things first. Do you KNOW his girlfriend is cool with him having sex outside the relationship? I mean, yeah, I'm sure he said so, but have you heard HER say so? Has she appeared on cam and agreed to that? Because as you well know, guys will lie to absolutely anybody and everybody if it means they'll get some sex out of it. Maybe it doesn't bother you that the girlfriend might not know, but if it does, find out. Meet her, and tell her how cool it is that she lets him sleep with other guys.

On to your main problem. Are you setting yourself up for heartbreak? Yes. It already sounds like you're falling for him. Not everybody is cut out for friends-with-benefits, or to have "just sex" with people. It sounds like you're not cut out for that, at least with this guy.

So what do you do? You tell him. You say "I'm worried that I might be getting feelings for you, and I don't want that to make things weird between us. So I'd like to take some time apart to get my head back in the right place." Then, take some time apart to get your head back in the right place. No e-mails, no MSN, nothing. Once you don't feel so giddy, you can feel free to start contacting him again.

Lex

 

[RobUK2]

Thanx Lex - but the thing is I CAN normally not get emotionally involved (I've had other friends where we mess around and do stuff), this just feels 'different' in a weird way. I don't normally get emotionally attached to guys, I've only ever real 'couple'-type relationships before with girls.... I don't know what to think here - why do I feel so different?

 

[bankside]

You're supposed to like the people you fuck. That isn't a problem to be solved. You're supposed to be emotionally involved with the people you like.

The fact that they are open does not change the fact that you are not a sex robot, and people have emotions. People get emotionally involved.

That doesn't mean your emotions have to take you into boyfriend territory though. The next step after FWB could be LTFWB (long-term friend with benefits). Or BFWB (Best friend with benefits.)

Just to be clear, you don't love this guy. You haven't even met him. You don't have to worry about a situation that isn't even real yet. When you do meet him, I hope you continue to hit it off, but I think you should definitely meet him (and probably her too) before you decide to even have a fling, never mind a friend with benefits.

You know you're entering experimental relationship territory, right? They are brave to try this. It might work, might not. But you can tell they are not your ordinary couple. That means they've had to have certain skills to take it this far - mainly being an open mind, a sense of adventure and some good communication skills.

Who knows, after 6 months of good fucking, good times, and still making each other laugh, making her laugh, they may decide with you that although you won't be his boyfriend, you'll be sticking around on a long term basis and making regular visits.

Or you may meet him and find you just don't click.

The one other thing to remember, this may work for them. This may work for you. But it is, like I said, an experimental kind of relationship. You might find someone you'd like to be your own boyfriend or girlfriend, and then you'd have to consider what they think of you having a BFWB.

 

[RobUK2]

Thankx BS (unfortunate acronym - sorry).

Yeah, all you've said makes good sense. Should be able to sleep better tonight...

 

[RobUK2]

Hi again

I'm in an awful mess... Thing is, there is this other guy.... I know that sounds all slutty (I'm really not). I never expected to be in this mess.

I'd only just come to terms with my sexuality, and joined a couple of bisexual site. I contacted a few people, because, I didn't feel too good about myself, so I didn't really expect any replies. Certainly not more than one.

Anyway, so I started talking to both of them - they're both good guys. I don't really as deeply for the other guy - not that he's second choice, it's that we talk like we're already best mates.

By sheer coincidence, bad timing, (whatever you want to call it), they both want to meet up at around the same time. I'm really not comfortable with this. I'm gonna tell one of them everything, and have nothing more to do with him (not as friends even - that would be too easy to escalate into sth. else).

So, on top of all the choices I've got to make, I need to add a few more into the mix. The other guy is a great guy, straight-forward (excuse the pun), and would be a good mate as well. The first guy, though, well, that's the one I've been worrying about.

I guess I could choose the safe option and choose the other guy, then I wouldn't be setting myself up for as much emotional stuff, and he is a great guy. But, then, there's the first guy, and all the feelings I have (or imagined I have) there...

I really don't know what to do - I need some help!

 

[paatreides]

Why don't you se them both - telling them you are seeing other guys. Who says you have to make a choice about being with one or the other? Is that a limit you are establishing for yourself? If it is, why for goodness sake?
See them both and see what develops. You may find yourself not liking guy #1 once you've actually met - it is possible you know. People aren't always the same in person as they are on-line.

 

[rareboy]

Threesome. Perfect answer to your dilemma.

 

[RobUK2]

LMAO

Yeah, if they both just plain fuck buddies, yeah, a threesome would be an ideal twisted solution!

Unfortunately, though, it's not that simple. I've been thinking about it - I'm still a bit unsure as to what do. But I do keep thinking that (and this is the best scenario - where me and guy 1 actually end up together) lovers come and go, but good friends tend to stick by you. Which'd be guy 2. Also, I keep thinking about the term 'Friends with Benefits' - the 'Friend' bit always comes first.

Now, I know the second guy is engaged, and his fiancée is hardly open to the idea (he's too scared to even tell her), but I think he's the best choice. Guy 1 just fucks up my head - I'm not experienced to be able to deal with those feelings..

Also, even if the second NEVER tells his gf, he'd still be a good mate to have, even if we couldn't do anything other than be friends...

I think I'd best let guy 1 down gently, and explain what's being going on to guy 2 (I know I'm not under any obligation to - I just like to be as honest as possible).

Thanks guys.