How to ask him out?

[mapiyu]

I have some things to get off my chest. eh....so I'm about to sound like a 14 year old schoolgirl. I apologize in advance.


I just moved to a new city (from bumfuck nowhere) and the other night, I went to a gay bar for the first time. Much to my own surprise, I actually started talking and flirting with some guys, and by the end of the night one guy had bought me a drink, and a different cute guy asked me for my number. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I'm incredibly excited about it. It felt really good. I'm really shy and awkward talking to strangers, and I've never done this before (never even kissed a guy) so this is kind of a big deal for me.

Later that night I texted the guy and he texted me back the next morning saying it was nice to meet me and don't be a stranger, but I feel like that will be the end of it unless I make the next move. So - should I really text him back? What if he doesn't even remember me?

I'll probably go to a different gay club this weekend or next, so I thought maybe I could invite him. But I don't know what to say. And will 2 or 3 weeks later be too late? Also, I'm a horrendous dancer, so part of me doesn't even want him to go because then I'd have to dance with him and embarrass myself. Ugh. I need advice on how to handle this.

But honestly (although the guy was hot), all this anxiety isn't really about him. It's all the things that are going on in my life right now. I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Quarter-life crisis, I guess you could say. I finished college without ever having a boyfriend or getting any experience with dating men. Now that I'm starting a new life in the city, I really want to change that. I'm sick of being alone. Shit, I don't even need a serious relationship or anything. I just want to date around and get some experience, you know? And being all alone in the city isn't easy, either.

My first experience in the gay bar made me realize that I've been missing out on exploring this side of myself. There's a whole world out there. I feel like I'm wasting my youth, and I don't want to waste any more time.

So I guess I'm just attaching too much significance to this guy. I feel that if things don't work out and I never see him again, then all my new progress in the "gay scene" will hit a wall and I'll just go back to my old ways of never going out and never meeting people.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I just needed to vent.

But seriously, advice please! Both for this specific guy, and also more general. How can I break out of my shell? It's really hard, but I really want to. I want more than anything to just gain some confidence. It's happening slowly but surely. But I'm getting really fucking impatient.

Thanks for listening to all this.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Hi mapiyu -
Congrats on this big step for you. As a fellow introvert/shy guy, I can empathize with your nervousness at going, and with feeling so good about the attention you received.

But you nailed it - this is about what is going on in you. I am finding there is only one way to get out of my shell. Go get out of my shell. By that, I mean do exactly what you are doing. Get out. Meet gay guys. Go trying to make friends.

Keep in contact with this guy if you like him, but respect and enforce your boundaries. Over time, you will realize you like some more than others. And you will then like one really well, and let me tell you it is wonderful and scary when that happens. But keep your boundaries and move at your pace.

Two or more guys liked you. Enough to exchange information. Go do a happy dance. Then get back out there.

Goods luck and have fun.

(And go easy on yourself on dancing. I was at a gay dance thing and I just bobbed my head to the music and clapped with everyone and such. Was I dancing? No. Did I fit in? Yes. Was I having fun? Absolutely.)

 

[NCDogGuy]

Oh - I think being impatient is normal. I'm doing this at 44. Give yourself the time you need. Remember, the tortoise won the race.

 

[mapiyu]

Thank you NCDogGuy

 

[Seasoned]

Contact the guy and one of two things will happen. What you want to do is keep doing things that push the boundaries of your comfort zone. You have something working for you if a guy bought you a drink and another exchanged numbers. Congrats and good luck on your recent move.

The next steps may also involve joining a gay organization. Gay friends will be a good sounding board for you.

 

[Yu-Crazy]

First I want to start off by saying congratulations for moving to a new city and stepping outside of your comfort zone! Both are things that scare the crap out of most people, including me!

I can really relate to what you're going through because I just recently began "exploring" this side of myself that I've suppressed for so long. The first time I dated a guy really didn't end well at all. He ended up totally blowing me off and it really hit me hard. Not so much because of him in particular but mostly because it was my first gay dating experience and I felt like I really put myself out there only to be crushed. I totally don't mean to be a Debby Downer with this lol...the point is: that guy was only ONE guy. After him, dating became easier and the guy I dated after him was much easier to let go. Like I said, I'm still pretty new to this myself so I've only dated these two guys but what I'm saying is, the only way to build confidence and meet new people is to put yourself out there which is exactly what you seem to be doing. If you like that guy, then answer! Who cares if you don't have them moves like Jagger? I'm sure there's a bunch of things he's insecure about that you won't even notice. Don't wait to answer, if you like him. 2 or 3 weeks will give him the impression that you're not interested. Don't let fear hold you back!

And another thing: don't beat yourself up for not doing all of this sooner. It's happening now for a reason. You're ready now, and now is when you have the chance to explore and have a good time, so do it! Good luck We're all rooting for you!

 

[genthree]

Well, good on you, meet these people for a coffee but just remember you are new meat on the block (sometimes we play a pretty rough emotionally ,on each other) and take things slowly.
This will help build up your social network and to eventually meet a "special" man.
In a nutshell "hasten slowly", good luck.

 

[mapiyu]

Thanks guys for the encouragement and advice, it really means a lot.
And, WELCOME TO JUB Yu-Crazy!

UPDATE: Went out to a different bar last night, had a few too many drinks, started dancing with a guy and things got a bit...hot and heavy. I ended up getting his number and we're going out tomorrow night...I guess this is my first official date with a guy...wish me luck!

 

[yhtang]

UPDATE: Went out to a different bar last night, had a few too many drinks, started dancing with a guy and things got a bit...hot and heavy. I ended up getting his number and we're going out tomorrow night...I guess this is my first official date with a guy...wish me luck!

Good luck, and as they say, wear clean underwear! (or not, depending oh his fetish)

 

[Lube]

Thanks guys for the encouragement and advice, it really means a lot.
And, WELCOME TO JUB Yu-Crazy!

UPDATE: Went out to a different bar last night, had a few too many drinks, started dancing with a guy and things got a bit...hot and heavy. I ended up getting his number and we're going out tomorrow night...I guess this is my first official date with a guy...wish me luck!

Good luck!

And back to your original post: yes, you were attaching too much significance to that guy. It's easy to do that with your first couple of guys. But after a while you'll learn to treat guys like the meat they treat you as! LOL. kidding! Well, half-kidding.

 

[mcbrion]

Good for you meeting a guy. Now, you need to decide who YOU are inside. Who the guys you meet are, is not the concern: the concern is, do you want sexual experience or do you want connection. They are not the same. Some guys will want you as a sexual partner (or conquest), but that leaves some guys feeling let down. Based on your own original email, it sounds like your eagerness could lead you to jump to conclusions, so I'd suggest you ask questions (which most guys don't bother to do, by the way): is the other guy involved (boyfriend, husband, etc.)? There's nothing wrong with letting others know you're new to gay life and you'd like to take it slow (although it sounds like you don't want to, and that's not surprising: you're young).
The one thing you don't want to become is bitter, and one thing that can be guaranteed is, if you're not paying attention to the kind of guy you meet (someone who's emotionally shut down and substitutes sex in place of genuine emotion), you may be deeply hurt. Decide ahead of time if you want sex or connection, or both and act accordingly, the same way you would when you chose which college to go to. You find out what someone has to offer. It all sounds boring, and the usual fear is that you'll drive the guy away if you ask too many questions and don't "play it cool" (emotions are nothing to "play" with, but all too many guys don't even know their own emotions well enough, let alone yours), but what's more important is that you see people for who they are, so that if someone dates you and disappears, you don't internalize it ("what's wrong with me?") as though someone not liking you means you're unworthy.
It's a tough world to navigate when guys like you more for what you look like and not who you are.
Also -- and finally --- you say you're shy. I hope -- and no unkindness intended -- this isn't a euphemism for saying you're self-absorbed. It's not a sin to be self-absorbed, but it DOES mean you're "protecting" yourself all the time. Learn to share yourself in small amounts, but also expect reciprocity from others: the same traits that make good friends make good boyfriends. The only difference is that the boyfriend wants you romantically in addition to being a good friend to you.
And don't become someone who treats others callously. It will only make you untrusting and bitter about finding "Love", when what keeps a person from finding love is that they either don't have it inside themselves to give, or their reason for getting involved is not to "give love" but to "get love" (as though love can be manipulated, battered for or traded).
This is a LOT to take in, and only experience will help you weed out the "takers" from the "givers," which is why you don't want to misinterpret anyone else's advances -- or your own.