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How to come out to new friends

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me12121

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Hey everyone,

For the last few years I haven't really had any friends, and I decided at the beginning of this year to make it a goal to to get over my social anxiety issues and start to build a bit of a social circle. It's actually been going pretty great! I started going to some meetup groups and met some really cool people.

Today I went to this shyness group that I usually go to on Saturdays and afterwards one of the guys I met there a few weeks ago (Nathan) and another new guy who came to the group this week (Andrew) went to a restaurant. It was really fun and there was a lot of good conversation! The problem is they don't know I'm gay and I felt completely out of place when they started talking about how to get into a relationship with a girl.
As a side-note, a few weeks ago when I met Nathan we went to a restaurant with another girl from the group (Donna). Donna and I had so much in common and I've rarely had conversation with anyone that flowed that freely. We basically talked for 3 hours nonstop! I went home at the end of the night thinking, "Man, if she was a gay guy, she'd be perfect for me" haha.

So today when Nathan and Andrew were talking about girls and I was pretty much completely silent, Nathan said to me, "Would you be interested in getting to know Donna better? From the other week, it seems like she'd be a perfect fit for you!" I kind of froze and didn't really know what to say so I just made some excuse to change the topic.

Anyway, it seems like these people are starting to become closer to me (I even invited them to my apartment after the restaurant) and I'd like to be able to be my whole self with them. But I'm not sure when would be the right time to come out to them, and how I should come out to them. I've never really had much experience coming out to people since I was a social recluse for years. It's really exciting to have new friends, but at the same time the awkwardness around not completely being myself and feeling out of place in conversations regarding relationships is really bothering me. Help!
 
hi me12121,

Good to hear you start to make friends and that you get the idea that you are overgrowing your social anxiety issues.

Your profile indicates that you are 27 years old and I tend to think that its very normal for a guy like Nathan to suggest something about Donna and you.

I tend to think that this means that Nathan has the idea that you are a straight guy. Well, I think that right now is a very good moment to tell Nathan (and also Andrew) that you are gay. You start to become friends with each other and I hold the opinion that this is a good moment to tell them more about yourself. You could have done it when Nathan was talking about Donna ('excuse me very much, but I am not interested in girls / excuse me very much, but I am gay / excuse me very much, but I am interested in guys' Etc.). Its also good to tell them the next time you will meet them. 'Nathan, we start to know each other better and better and I would like to tell you that I am gay / not interested in girls / interested in guys' (or something like that). Please tell afterward to Nathan that it's no secret that you are gay (so he is allowed to discuss it also with other people from your group, etc.).

Good luck and take care.
 
There's different ways of coming out in situations like this. If you're comfortable with someone, you could make a joke like, "If only Donna were a guy, she would be perfect for me!". Of you can just casually mention, "Yeah, Donna reminds me of my ex-boyfriend."

Both of these statements make the announcement in a subtle way.

But to the larger issue- if you're in a support group for shy people, doesn't it make sense to discuss your sexuality and dating issues in the group? Probably, the other members of the group didn't need to announce that they were straight- probably it's something that was casually or indirectly mentioned?
 
I would do this in the group. Have you considered that part of your shyness may stem from your reaction to being different?
 
KaraBulut said:
There's different ways of coming out in situations like this. If you're comfortable with someone, you could make a joke like, "If only Donna were a guy, she would be perfect for me!". Of you can just casually mention, "Yeah, Donna reminds me of my ex-boyfriend."

Both of these statements make the announcement in a subtle way.

But to the larger issue- if you're in a support group for shy people, doesn't it make sense to discuss your sexuality and dating issues in the group? Probably, the other members of the group didn't need to announce that they were straight- probably it's something that was casually or indirectly mentioned?
Click to expand...

This is the same advice I would offer. Rather than getting stressed out building up to a big announcement, bring it up in the course of conversation. You could have done it when the two guys were comparing notes about relationships with girls ("Something similar worked for me with a guy I used to date"). Since you feel comfortable with Donna, it might be easier to have her there when you bring it up in conversation. That way all three of them are there at the same time and it's done.
 
I also think you can tell them you're gay right away. I find it easier to tell it to the new friends rather than the old ones. Because doing so, the will get to know you considering that aspect as well, while telling them later might result more difficult. Let's say this guys have a narrow view about homosexuality, it is better to know how they'll take it from the get go in my opinion. And then it will not look as something "special" as when you will have to tell them after some time you all know each others and have talked about girls with you being embarassed. So... just be who you are, I'm sure they have no problem with it, and if they have, well, better find out soon.
 
Update! So I've been hanging out with Nathan a lot lately (I pretty much spent all weekend with him) and today I said to myself, "I HAVE to come out to him already!" We were talking about relationships pretty much all night with a couple of other friends and once we had some time alone at the end of the night, it finally happened. He was asking me about Donna and I started hinting that I was gay but didn't really say it. He figured it out pretty quickly. These were some of the comments I got from him afterwards:

"I'm still your best friend!"
"We should go to the gay village and hit up some bars. I'll be your wingman!"
"I'll hit on them first and then introduce you if you're scared."
"I feel like I understand you so much better now and our friendship has hit a new level."

I feel pretty damn awesome right now.
 
Congratulations. It sounds as though you have a good friend in Nathan. His comments show there is no problem and even trying to help by going to a gay bar with you. Take him up on his offer. You will find more friend. Keep us updated on the progress.

Craiger
 
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