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How To Handle Curious Minds When Your Not Out?

O

OTHFan

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I'm still not ready to come out mostly because of my family background. I seriously doubt neither my mom's side or dad's side would be all too happy about having a gay boy in the family. hopefully I'll be able to get over that soon but I'm not there yet and I'm finding as i get older, more and more people want to know if I have a girlfriend and at my age, it does raise an eyebrow when i say no. Does anyone have some experience they'd care to share on how to handle this.
 
OTHFan said:
I'm still not ready to come out mostly because of my family background. I seriously doubt neither my mom's side or dad's side would be all too happy abut having a gay boy in the family. hopefully I'll be able to get over that soon but I'm not there yet and I'm finding as i get older, more and more people want to know if I have a girlfriend and at my age, it does raise an eyebrow when i say no. Does anyone have some experience they'd care to share on how to handle this.
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I guess it kinda depends. My advice to someone 18 and under vs. over 18, and even 25, or 30 or more would be quite different. If you don't mind sharing....approx. how old are you?
 
I was raised a Jehovahs Witness, so trust me I understand the whole parents thing, but my parents have come around pretty well I must admit.

I guess the thing is, if I were you I'd just hang out with some of your female friends. Bring them over to the house now and again. I never liked lying about my sexuality, but I never felt that I owed anyone an explanation until I was ready to come out. I took my dear friend Tabbatha to Europe on a 1 week vacation to soak up sun. My parents assumed she was a girlfriend even though I said, "nah, for now we are just friends and hanging out". You can be coy without lying.

If someone asks you "do you have a girlfriend", say "Nah, I haven't found the right one yet. Why, do you have someone in mind"? Notice my statement is not a lie. You never said girl / woman. It's true....you haven't met the right one yet. Being coy and a bit mysterious works best. Most older adults will laugh it off thinking "young kids these days...so uncommital", or similar.

Do you have any female friends? And are you out to anyone yet?
 
This is great advice. thank you. i have alot of female friends but i'm not out to anyone yet. there is one friend i know i could confide in and trust about it. we've been friends for years but i just have some wall built up that i can't seem to break down.
 
OTHFan said:
This is great advice. thank you. i have alot of female friends but i'm not out to anyone yet. there is one friend i know i could confide in and trust about it. we've been friends for years but i just have some wall built up that i can't seem to break down.
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I understand what you are saying. I thought walling myself off from everything and everyone so that people could only get so close was a good thing. It was actually a tool I needed to survive growing up in an uber-bible beating house. I got used holding everything in. Even my college roomates said I was like living with a ghost. I kept any "gay things or friends" completely compartmentalized from other parts of my life. I kept my religious stuff compartmentalized too. That way if there was a "fallout" in one compartment, it wouldn't jeopardize the other facets of my life. This walling off, came back to bite me in the ass however. It really hindered me in my relationships as it was ne'er impossible to communicate with my boyfriends..... at least in an open and honest way. My normal reflex was just to tell them what I thought they wanted to hear. So just keep that in mind.

The other thing I realized is that by me automatically assuming various friends weren't going to be ok with me being gay, that I was being just as judgmental towards them, that I thought that they MIGHT be towards me, even though I never even gave them the chance one way or the other. If you want people to have faith in you, you have to have faith in them. I came out to most all of my friends at age 25. It took me a while longer to come out to my parents.
 
OTHFan said:
...and I'm finding as i get older, more and more people want to know if I have a girlfriend and at my age, it does raise an eyebrow when i say no. Does anyone have some experience they'd care to share on how to handle this.
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I think my friends at college are the most inquisitive people EVER. I was in Italy this past semester with 27 fashion design girls and one guy (my roommate), and my friend thought it was strange I wasn't hitting on any of them, etc.. So one day she came over to my apartment while my roommate was there, and they both decided to spout off everything I did, and that I liked, that was stereotypically gay. Talk about stress. This then spawned off into a two hour tear apart of my lack of public personal life, and why I have never told anyone who I liked. They went through my Facebook, and basically looked at who and what I had wrote on my friends walls.

Hell. Pure hell.

So that's my experience. For shorter questions, I generally just don't really answer, just saying "You don't need to know who it is.", or something, keeping it gender neutral...just like EvilForce said earlier.

Best of luck!
 
When I was in my early 20s and struggling with coming out I often just said "I haven't met the right person"

That did it
 
I use to say---"why, are you looking for a date?"
 
Here's another one: Why do you want to know?
 
Whattaya know? im 19...20 in August, too!!

I know what you're going through. Everyone wants to know why I don't date! Message me if u want to chat about it.
 
thank you so much. i feel much more relaxed about it thanks to you guys. this will def help me out.
 
You could always use an bastardization of what my Dad always says: "I told my son to live his life as a bachelor and raise his sons to do the same!"

It's funny, considering both my parents are on their 4th marriage each, and the second to each other.
 
gen3ric said:
I think my friends at college are the most inquisitive people EVER. I was in Italy this past semester with 27 fashion design girls and one guy (my roommate), and my friend thought it was strange I wasn't hitting on any of them, etc.. So one day she came over to my apartment while my roommate was there, and they both decided to spout off everything I did, and that I liked, that was stereotypically gay. Talk about stress. This then spawned off into a two hour tear apart of my lack of public personal life, and why I have never told anyone who I liked. They went through my Facebook, and basically looked at who and what I had wrote on my friends walls.

Hell. Pure hell.
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OMG, that is hell. I can't believe people would actually do that in public.

Of course, everyone is doing that in their own minds--they just usually have enough tact not to say it in public.

In other words, all these lame one-liners that people are throwing out here...

No one believes them.

I mean, do you believe it when you hear someone else say stuff like that?
 
>>>In other words, all these lame one-liners that people are throwing out here...No one believes them.

I believe "I haven't sorted it out yet." Because I hadn't at his age. :)

Lex
 
G-Lexington said:
>>>In other words, all these lame one-liners that people are throwing out here...No one believes them.

I believe "I haven't sorted it out yet." Because I hadn't at his age. :)

Lex
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I can't control what people think or do. I'm just telling it like it is.
 
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