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How to Let a Guy Down Easy

J

Jordan475

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I was recently set up with a friend of a friend . For a few weeks we chatted online quite a bit, and when I got out to Seattle this week, we met up. He is extremely kind, sweet and sincere, but he is very effeminate, which is a huge turnoff for me. NEvertheless I enjoyed his company, and we spent most of the day together talking. We did eventually kiss, but even as we were doing it, I knew it was a bad idea. He kept telling me how much he liked me, and I really didn't know what to say. I think he's a great guy, but just really don't want to pursue things with him. How should I let him down easy?
 
Dude, I wish I could give you a sure fire way. My strategy tends to be slowly distancing myself from them. Not blowing them off, but not making an effort to contact them etc. It works with moderate success. The best approach would be to be honest, but I'm not good at hurting feelings so I've never been one to do that. And when he says he likes you... that always is awkward b/c you know he wants you to say it back, but how do you not be mean. Hopefully others will have better advice b/c honestly, I'm not good at this either.
 
well, most guys get the hint my way and don't feel like crap for it. That's why I chose my approach... nothing less of a man for it. Just thinking about his feelings.
 
Tell him you're straight. ;)

But I agree with vamag: just be honest and up-front.
 
Be fair to him, he deserves to know and if he has been upfront with you, I think you should too. It will allow for closure which I believe is something that will help with moving on.
 
In my time on earth, I've been "let down easily" a few times. I know, hard to believe isn't it?

Anyway, I liked jockboy's approach the best. I think I'm smart enough to take a hint, and in some weird way I was touched was someone was nervous, shy, or afraid to hurt my feelings. Conversely, those who were blunt I perceived quickly as jerks who were as bad with my feelings as they were in bed.
 
Any way you do it, consider this. There is still a good chance of friendship down the road with him.

This is not an unusual scenario in the gay world and many friendships are forged out of these one sided attractions. I know. I've been on both sides. :(
 
honostly, just say you're not into effeminate men. apologize if you feel you got to close or led him on to much but just tell him straight up he is not your type. if you like him as a friend, tell him you'd love to keep in touch but no point in leading him into a relationship or just ignoring him.
 
Some candles, violin music and a restraining order should do the trick...
 
HAHAHA!!!! I'd save on the candles and put that towards the legal costs. LOL.
 
jockboy01 said:
Dude, I wish I could give you a sure fire way. My strategy tends to be slowly distancing myself from them. Not blowing them off, but not making an effort to contact them etc. It works with moderate success. The best approach would be to be honest, but I'm not good at hurting feelings so I've never been one to do that. And when he says he likes you... that always is awkward b/c you know he wants you to say it back, but how do you not be mean. Hopefully others will have better advice b/c honestly, I'm not good at this either.
Click to expand...

I agree with other posters that this is passive-aggressive and generally a shitty thing to do. That said, this is Seattle we're talking about where passive-aggressive behavior (and this kind of break up) is all too common.
 
I see little virtue and an even lesser good in leading him on.

Sadly, there is no 'easy way of letting anyone down'. Rejection is always a rejection. Yet, it does not have to be brutal.

Write a short mail and tell him openly that you do not feel like pursuing this any longer. Say, you thought, he was a kind and sweet dude, but you are into a different type. Be truthful and yet respectful.

Friendship? IMHE, never a good idea, if one side views this with an element of romantic involvement.

You simply, want to leave it there...

SC
 
jockboy01 said:
Dude, I wish I could give you a sure fire way. My strategy tends to be slowly distancing myself from them. Not blowing them off, but not making an effort to contact them etc. It works with moderate success. The best approach would be to be honest, but I'm not good at hurting feelings so I've never been one to do that. And when he says he likes you... that always is awkward b/c you know he wants you to say it back, but how do you not be mean. Hopefully others will have better advice b/c honestly, I'm not good at this either.
Click to expand...

I guess that's one way - indirect

But frankly it feels like this is a way to make you feel better, not him. He's the one with the problem, not you.

I think direct hurts more at the moment that you tell him - it stings, it hurts, it sucks. But it wears off quicker because there is no maybe. It is definitive.

Indirect is kinda sorta, maybe he still likes me - nah - that's no good. Then the other person is hanging on to hope which is not real. It lingers, the pain continues. How is this better?

Now as for telling someone they are "effeminate and not your type" well that's way too much honesty, too much detail, too specific - not necessary. There's honest and theres cruel. This is cruel

Seems like I really disagree with a lot on this one.
 
I'm surprised a little at everyones reactions...


As a VERY effeminate gay male, I'm a little offended that the one thing about him you don't like is that he's "unmanly".........


Sure, I have my preferences as well,

but I know that at the end of the day, the heart of the person matters far more to me than the package:

Do you not like effeminate men because you're still trying to assert your own maleness?

Maybe you should look at it that he's confident expressing himself in whatever way he needs to.

And morevover,

how should you tell? You do it.

You don't lie or pretend because that's both cruel and immature.

really it reflects your own discomfort with yourself.

:)

please be a "real" man, and treat him like the lady he sounds like.
 
As an update, I told this guy that I wasn't really interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but would love to be friends. He agreed, and said it was clear that neither of us were the other's type. We decided to do the AIDS walk in Seattle anyway, so it seems like everything is working out well. I think that being honest about the situation was the right move.

And LadyGrey, I didn't dislike him merely because he was effeminate. The chemistry just wasn't there. After we kissed, I didn't feel exhilarated, so much as dirty. For whatever reason, he just didn't put butterflies in my stomach the way a potential boyfriend should have.
 
Jordan475 said:
As an update, I told this guy that I wasn't really interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but would love to be friends. He agreed, and said it was clear that neither of us were the other's type. We decided to do the AIDS walk in Seattle anyway, so it seems like everything is working out well. I think that being honest about the situation was the right move.

And LadyGrey, I didn't dislike him merely because he was effeminate. The chemistry just wasn't there. After we kissed, I didn't feel exhilarated, so much as dirty. For whatever reason, he just didn't put butterflies in my stomach the way a potential boyfriend should have.
Click to expand...

(*8*)

That's how I let my last boyfriend down easy. There just wasn't any chemistry. He wasn't floating my boat, and he admitted that his feelings for me were really "a small crush." That apparently faded pretty quickly. ;)

When we got to talking about what chemistry is, he agreed with me. Said that he wanted to be friends, but haven't seen or heard from him since.

Next! :D
 
I agree with other posters that this is passive-aggressive
Click to expand...

Not how I would define passive aggressive or the other posters probably.

Look, all I'm saying, is if I were on the other side, I'd rather just get the hint. That way we'd remain friends and I'm smart enough to know what signals a person is sending and I'm pretty clear with the signals I send when I'm not interested.

know that at the end of the day, the heart of the person matters far more to me than the package
Click to expand...
Maybe not at the end of the day... but maybe the next morning. Sorry, that was my first thought when reading this so I had to share a little humor.

Anyway, Jordan, glad things worked out for you guys.
 
cry on his shoulder because all the (many) other guys you're dating aren't treating you right, or just aren't right for you. continuously bring up how much he loves you and just won't take "no" for an answer. tell him laughingly that he must really crave rejection because he won't stop pursuing you. tell all of your friends how bothered you are that this guy is so deeply in love with you - i mean, really, really, really, act the victim with this one. be sure to convince everyone that HE'S the one with the obsession. finally, beat the hell out of him, asking him, "is this what you want?" make sure you leave a few bruises that won't go away for a couple of weeks, and then have an officer deliver a notice to appear and an injunction for protection against domestic violence against him the very next day....






aw, geez, i'm sorry dude, pay no attention to the small man behind the curtain...





i obviously dont have any advice to offer on this one...
 
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