how to seduce a gay guy

[jesseinldn12121]

Hi guys!

I've been reading on the forum for several years, but now I'm actually seeking advice, which I am sure you guys can provide.

I'm 23 and well, basically confused. I used to consider myself straight/bi, sub-consciously knowing that that wasn't true. I recently moved to another country to follow my post-grad course and realized that maybe I should be seeking personal happiness rather than trying to please as many people as possible. Hence, maybe it makes sense to figure out my sexuality, not caring about how other people, even friends and my family might feel about that. I guess I am tired of being in denial and being secret about it, it eats a lot of my energy.

One of the reasons that led me to reconsider my state of denial was that even though I had always lived in very big cities and consider myself an urban and open person, I have hardly had any interaction with gay guys before. Now in my uni class there are surprisingly many gays. I'm friends with several and I enjoy every minute since they break all the stereotypes society had put in my head.

One guy in particular I enjoy hanging out with, which is odd at first sight. We're very different; he's quite obviously gay (and hot!!) and comfortable with that. I am also perceived as an extremely social person, which I think is accurate. So basically we see each other almost every day with the same people, though several of the girls he is friends with in fact fancy me (I don't mean to be cocky, it's just a part of the whole situation). We talk a lot, we obviously enjoy spending time though we make it look like it's a random encounter rather than planned. We'd end up getting drinks together or so, just because we both need to at the same time, but really because we enjoy spending the time. Then again we don't really talk that much, I feel like we both might be slightly nervous. Not sure. We do have a lot of contact through messengers and texting and so on, basically every day. We interestingly are more comfortable if we don't communicate directly.

I guess the main question here is how to proceed, since I don't want anyone to know about this process I am in. I want to be as discreet as possible until I actually figured everything out. Though I am not sure if an openly gay person understands that (considering I am 23...) and will actually keep this to himself. If I would start talking to him about me being bi/gay/whatever, there is a chance he'll tell others which I would dread at this point, partly because I don't want people to talk/know about that for now, party because I'm not even sure what I am.

Also I guess that he's looking for something else in a relationship. Whilst I want to figure out what I am and what I like, he knows and might not be interested in helping out another guy, especially when it comes to the coming out/figuring out process, but also when it come to sex.
On the other hand I feel like it's obvious to both of us that there is something between us. And I like how nervous he seems even though he usually appears almost overly self-confident

Let me know what you guys think and if there is anything I need to clarify.
Thanks!

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on joining and on your first post.

I'm assuming that you're male? Jesse can be either male or female, but it sounds like you're a bicurious guy who hasn't experimented with his bi side?

Here's the deal: it's no different with guys than it is with girls. The only thing that is different is the plumbing.

Whatever you would do to signal a girl that you're interested is the same thing that you would do to signal a guy that you're interested.

You can approach this one of two ways:

1. You can be direct and say, "I've always been curious about guys. I've wondered whether I might be bi but I've never really done anything about that".
2. Or you can be subtle and send signals with lots of eye contact, lots of touching and then find an opportunity for the two of you to be alone (ie watching a movie together).

But before you go down that road, you need to think about:

• What do you want from this?
• Are you willing to risk a good friendship that it seems that you need at this time in your life?
• What happens if this turns into a romantic relationship? Are you willing to get involved with a guy?
• You can't have it both ways. If you want to be in a sexual situation with another guy, you can't live in fear that someone will find out. It's the way you are. Own it. Don't be ashamed of it. You're not doing anything wrong.

 

[spunk-junky]

The easiest and most natural thing to do is ask if this guy wants to get together sometime, even just for coffee. That way the two of you can be alone and get to know one another. As far as your title, "How to seduce a gay guy," there is absolutely nothing to it. If he asks if you want to hang out at his place, go, because this is an invitation. Or, you could ask if he wants to come over to your place to watch a movie, etc. Just putting your hand on his leg while sitting next to him on the couch is a signal to him you are interested. I don't think I've ever made it to the end of the movie when I've invited a guy over.

 

[Lube]

You're trying to have your cake and eat it, too.

You can't.

You will never "figure it all out". You're always learning something new about yourself or being gay.

You can't be closeted and have a great relationship with a very out guy. Or, at least, it will be very difficult, and there'll be a lot of friction developing over time between you.

And you ask about seducing a guy, but you want to go slowly and want advice?

I think you need a friend before you need a lover. And probably not the same person.

Coming to JUB was a good thing, but you've got to move on at some point. You've got to get out in the gay community, and make gay friends. You can play around, too, but it would be very weird if a gay guy wanted to lead you through your new gay life with advice, and be your bf at the same time. Huge conflict of interest.

 

[jesseinldn12121]

guys, thank you very much for your advice. i do appreciate it.

okay, i am in fact a guy! i just picked a random name since so many names were taken, maybe i should have explained that.

also, i realize the title is misleading; it's obviously not really seduction i am asking about. i want to get to know a particular person i am attracted to and i am willing to take some risks, but maybe i'm not brave enough at this point.

the points you raised about approaching the whole thing naturally do make a lot of sense. to a certain extend i do that already, i behave very differently with him than other guys. i am quite sure he notices. we try to meet for drinks on campus, but usually our entire class is there. i will continue doing that, though i am quite sure that he discusses that with his friends. that i guess is what i am afraid of. you're probably right, i can't have it any other way.

quite frankly, i stopped caring so much about what others think of me, but i still want to take things slow. this might not seem rational or it might even seem stupid and having and eating the cake is quite an accurate way of putting it. then again i want to talk to someone about my sexuality and trying things before coming out, unsurprising i guess. and strangely i feel like i want it to be that particular person.

again, this might not be totally understandable for others, that's ok. thank you for your advice though!

 

[Lube]

Well, the reason it's a conflict of interest is this:

A friend will tell you to watch out for guys that, say, want unprotected sex, and all the games they'll do to try to catch you off guard.

Whereas a lover/fuckbuddy will actually do those things to you.

Not good.

 

[TX-Beau]

These gay guys you know have already discussed whether you’re gay or not. I guarantee it. If you fool around with this guy, he may discuss it with someone else, he may not – that depends on the guy.

If you don’t want to date this guy, and just want to experiment, you’d better clarify that before you do anything. The last things you need in your situation are misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This is why I say it’s always better to do the experiment thing well away from people that impact your life.

If you must have this guy, and you think for all the reasons you stated that he’s into you, be clear, very, very clear, that you aren’t interested in dating, you aren’t out, and don’t know if you’re going to be. Even then he may not hear you, so be careful.

On a related note, it’s not really being a stand up guy if you let this guy think that he’s found a potential relationship. Not that I’m saying that’s what you’re doing. Just be careful, you aren’t in a position to sustain a relationship, and if you spend a lot of time discussing your innermost issues with this guy, no matter what you say, he may think that’s where this is headed.

Far better to let this guy be a friend to you, and find someone else as an experiment. If you come out and then you both decide you want to date somewhere down the line, fine, but right now you need someone to talk to, and that’s much better done without all the potential issues with sleeping with him as well. There are guys out there who can handle that, but there are also a whole lot who can’t.

Also consider, I know guys who aren’t all that keen on being some closeted guy’s “experiment,” so you need to handle that carefully as well.

Per the seduction thing, that’s the easiest part of this, all you have to do is make yourself available. Your place or his, you know he’s gay so he won’t get offended when you bust a move.

 

[jesseinldn12121]

TX-Beau, thank you very much. Haven given this a lot of thought, this is pretty much exactly what I should do and what I will do. It's the safest and smartest thing to do, the potential impact he could have, regarding that we study together and are in the same group of friends, is too big at this stage.

I guess finding someone else who I'm not connected to in this way is the best option. As you said, sometime down the line I might be comfortable with the entire situation and see where things could head with him.

Thanks guys, appreciate it.

 

[jesseinldn12121]

Hey guys

I felt like giving you an update, since things have been happening. On the one hand this is me being grateful for your advice, on the other hand, I have to be honest, I can't share all this with my friends but I feel like sharing.

So I had used your advice and started talking to other people outside my school online and actually met up with someone; it was fun I guess but also strange since we met outside and were both slightly insecure about the situation. Not knowing how to proceed, I was slightly frustrated about it all.

I soon realized that the crush I had in my class (who I had decided to ignore, at which I failed) was sending out signals and it now is quite obvious that we're interested in each other. How this happened I don't exactly know, I guess I just looked him in the eyes longer than necessary etc and he understood?! Not sure. The only thing I am sure about is that this is the hottest thing that could ever happen... Seriously.

Anyway, things developed and even though nothing has been said yet or hinted explicitly, we decided to meet for dinner tomorrow. Not sure if we'll be by ourselves, but I feel like the only issue, and hence the only reason for him to ask people to join us, at this stage is his insecurity about the situation, which translates into being overly "relaxed" (and which I find adorable).

Considering that I spent the last years hating parts of my life, specifically my sexuality, not knowing how to live life and what I was really looking for, this is a massive step.

But the greatest thing of all is that it doesn't feel like it. Yes, I am excited about going on a "date" (?!), but I don't think its weird that it's not a girl. It just feels right. So I guess I am really looking forward to this and I hope it'll all work out as planned/hoped for.

Fingers crossed...