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How to succeed with closeted guys

hey lube you're right about some of what you said but I don't entirely agree with your way of putting your ideas across. Yes people around us have probably guessed before we came out to them that we were gay, and we give ourselves away in a million tiny ways that we don't always appreciate.

but there are many reasons that guys are closeted. Other than guys still dealing with their issues I think everyone wants to be out and maybe because of circumstances, or because they don't know how or maybe haven't found the tipping point yet that makes them decide to come out.
Being closeted for many years makes people detached from others which just compounds the problem. Thank god for JUB.

I think that everyone wishes that they could have come out earlier including you Lube, but instead of coming over all negative and intolerant you could try encouragement for guys in the closet. Closeted guys need encouragement and support to get them to come out. Maybe your message is just tough love Lube, but try and be encouraging to the guys.
 
It's not intended to be negative and intolerant so much as it is being in your face, or as you say "tough love".

I think I have enough posts here that have been encouraging that people would see that I mean no harm. Gays are my family--why would I harm them?

Sometimes you have a relative that can't see through a fog of confusion or delusion, and it can be helpful to point out the elephant in the room, sometimes. Many times you have to be very flagrant, because the fog of denial is so thick, that's all.

A lot of gay guys fall into the trap of thinking, "Well, I don't have to come out today; I can come out tomorrow/nextweek/year/whatever, because I haven't told anybody". Well, all I'm saying is that you don't have to tell people for them to know. Many (most?) times they're just waiting for you to state what they've known for months/years/decades.

So, sure, I try to jar closeted guys out of their fog. Tell them this:

What if you woke up one day and realized that everybody already knew you were gay? Is it worth trying to hide it from people who already know?

Think about that.
 
How many times have you read a post from a closeted guy who says nobody knows... then look in his gallery and think to yourself, "Wow, are you kidding? Do you think no one knows?"

Or read posts here from guys who refuse to talk about their social life at work. Again, do they think nobody has figured this out?

It's like a politician who says, "No comment". If they were innocent, you'd be damned sure they'd comment! :)
 
Lube said:
I have to agree with Lex & Tex.

What's so silly about being closeted, is that we all think we're so clever and good at it.

But it's 2009, people, and friends and family (and even coworkers or fellow students) aren't dumb.

And the more you try to prove how hetero you are, the more embarrassing it is to everyone involved.

You closet cases are fooling no one.

Do you understand that?
Click to expand...

LOL. Didn't you used to have a blog entry that was pretty much a carbon copy of this thread?
 
bounder said:
LOL. Didn't you used to have a blog entry that was pretty much a carbon copy of this thread?
Click to expand...
Yeah, I often take a thread post and make it into a blog entry... for posterity. :)

Do I sound like a broken record ... broken record ... broken record ... broken record...

(I wonder how many younger guys here have actually experienced a broken, vinyl, 33 rpm, record! LOL)
 
I'm sorry but I have fundamental problem with this thread. It seems like a complete regression for the gay species. Encouraging people to perpetuate a dishonest lifestyle. Being totally in the closet is just bad for your self-esteem no matter how you look at it. Why find ways to keep someone in that space or involve yourself in it?

It's just like being obsessed with straight guys. I guess it might be "fun" for a bit but your eventually gonna hate yourself.
 
Lube, I'm glad you responded in the way you did, your post makes more sense now. I think it was the way your referred to " You closet cases are fooling no one." that got me on my soap box.

Aijalon I think perhaps I have given this thread the wrong title. It is not intended to encourage anyone to stay in the closet or be dishonest. For closeted guys the gay world is scary, and being able to approach a safe guy everyday guy is often the catalyst to coming out. How many closeted guys on here have ended up coming out because they got talking to or interacted with such a guy which changed their perceptions on what being gay means.
 
I know your not saying to trick or lure closeted guys but it still seems wrong. I think people need to be direct and honest. Plain and simple. All these tactics you describe seem to keep people closeted. I just think the longer you are in the closet to more miserable you become in the end. And the more you regret not being out earlier and not living an authentic life.

You say not to analyze too much, but if you notice the guys who are in the closet or interested in closeted or "not even sure if they're gay" guys spend the most energy analyzing EVERYTHING. Everything is so unclear that they never know what anything means. They dont know how any guy they want to be with feels and they cant be secure about any decision. it could drive you totally crazy.
 
I accept what you say. I suppose really rather than this being about closeted guys per se it really probably applies also to partly out guys. My experience over the closeted years is that guys that have been interested in me have tried the above to "qualify" my interest in them. It has been a recurring theme over a number of years and I think being aware of these things helps you recognise when someone is showing an interest in you. At the time I didn't respond because I wasn't ready then and the guys all backed off. However I think had I responded and had a beer or coffee that would be the point at which the honesty of saying your gay would have happened.
 
trikky said:
Lube, I'm glad you responded in the way you did, your post makes more sense now. I think it was the way your referred to " You closet cases are fooling no one." that got me on my soap box.
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Thanks, Trikky. Yeah, it's just a splash of cold water on the face.

As Ajilon says, being in the closet is such a waste of time and resources because you have to try to overanalyze (and overact) EVERYTHING.

Coming out is such a breath of fresh air.

Doesn't solve world peace, but certainly makes life simpler.
 
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