How to trust someone who lied to you?

[relejandro12]

Have you ever given a second chance to someone who lied you?

I know this guy who I would meet regularly as a sex buddy. Although I care for him it is with mixed feelings and I don't want a relationship with him. We became friends but have grown apart and gone from talking regularly to not talking at all for over 4 months. Here's why...

I meet him through a hook up app. Since the beginning he didn't want to show me his face. But we talked more and eventually he sent me one pic of a guy.

But when I compared his body pictures and his face pictures they didn't matched . I knew right away it wasn't his actual face but I wanted to continue since he sparked my curiosity.

Eventually, we would chat more and found out I was right since he sent me later on his real face picture (totally different from the first one).

We chatted more and there was physical attraction. So we finally met one day. We talked a bit about our lives, he told me his name and his job.

Then, we would meet at hotels to hook up and this went on for couple of times. The first time was good but I think he was nervous and cautious . But the second time we developed this complicity in bed and was way more fun since I could see more of his personality because he was more on confidence, which made that time hotter since then on. There was benefits but we also had chemistry.

But one time after several hook up meetings he told me he was leaving to go abroad to study a masters degree and he wanted to come clean with me about something he had been carrying on: he had lied to me about his name, job and identity. He explained to me that he was scared and he was acting cautious because one time a guy he meet through an app wanted to blackmail him and extort him so, he didn't want to go through that again having his identity exposed since he's discrete. (Important fact: we live in conservative society so being fully open is not as easy.)

I was so shocked, hurt and outraged of such a lie . But due the fact that he was leaving for a year or more in few days since he came clean with me, I decided to forgive him and keep seeing him because I liked him (as a friend and as a friend with benefits).

He told me he thought our meeting wouldn't go further than a one night stand since it would be just sex but our bond grew over that and he was feeling awful about the lies as he got to know me more. He apologized extensively and told me heartfelt things about how sorry he was and how much he appreciated me. Told me he has a very hard time trusting people (specially since the blackmailing episode !), that he overthinks a lot and he understood if I didn't want to keep seeing him again but he realized I was a good guy and he trusted me so he wanted to keep me close because he valued me and he didn't want to loose me as a friend since he got to know me better.

I truly felt he regretted it and he was talking from the heart. Also, after reading him I recognized his fear in muyself because many years ago I did the same with someone when I had fear of trusting others and wanted to protect myself too.

So even after he went abroad, we kept chatting for about a year regularly and our friendship bond grew. He came back to my country at the beginning of this year with the pandemic and we kept chatting so the friendship was developing.

But the problems and insecurities arose when one day he wanted to add me on social media and I didn't want it. (I try not adding the men I go out with to my social media since I have friends, colleagues and family whom I'm not openly gay to). We both live very nearby so in different occasions he wanted to ask me where I lived but I was reluctant or avoided the subject because despite the friendship, I realized I didn't trusted him fully. I know he is complex guy and he doesn't open much with his emotions or personal life so I realized that all those feelings I had when he first came clean with me were bottled inside due to the fact that I had prioritized spending time with him before his journey abroad. Therefore, I never truly processed well how much it bothered me that he had been dishonest with me till now that he's back.

It's been 4 months without talking to him and I do miss him, but despite I like him (as a friend) I actually don't know if I can open up with him talking again and trust him. He says he overthinks stuff and he has a hard time opening with people, but he's also very smart, strategic and analytic so I don't know if he's truly changed or if he could lie to me in such a way in the future.

(One time, after asking him if he'd lie again to someone else in the future, he told me that If he was in the same situation with another guy in a hooking up app, he would lie again about his identity to protect himself. And I've found out he's in fact given a fake name to another guy recently).

I'd like to talk to him again and recover our friendship cause I think there's good in him. But I don't know how can I be sure his worthy of being trusted.

What do you recommend I should do do?

How could I have more of a certainty that after the lie episode he's truly honest with me or he can be trusted?

Thanks in advance for your opinions.

 

[cabinfever]

You answered your own question.

ly felt he regretted it and he was talking from the heart. Also, after reading him I recognized his fear in muyself because many years ago I did the same with someone when I had fear of trusting others and wanted to protect myself too.

Can you be trusted? Why or why not?

 

[KaraBulut]

Exactly what are you "trusting" in this situation?

This is a casual acquaintance. You both started with the assumption that this would be a casual, one-night thing. Once you both determined that it would be more than a one-night thing, the truth came out.

If you were in a serious relationship and all of these lies were uncovered, there would be trust issues. You're not in a serious relationship. You were never in a serious relationship.

However, it sounds like you might view this as more of a serious relationship than it is. That should give you the answers to your own questions.


If you want to continue a friendship, a fuck-buddy relationship or something more, then start again from the beginning, only this time you both need to be honest. If you cannot have a "do over" and if the second chance cannot be on honest terms, then that's also an answer to your question.

Good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

You sound like he somehow deceived you on some deep, visceral, and meaningful level, but honestly, you're hiding, and he gave you a bar biography because this was a hook up.

What should you do? Approach this with some perspective about how it started now that your context has altered.

 

[jaysizzles]

I can understand why you are leery now of continuing with him, but he wouldn't have apologized and eventually told you his real name and want to friend you on fb if he wasn't into you and want to keep your relationship going in an open/honest manner. He didn't trust someone he met online...which is completely understandable considering that he didn't know you and your character. There are a lot of scary people online that can't be trusted, especially with one time hookups. You know now why he acted the way he did, and that he trusts you. The ball is now in your court now. If you're interested in continuing a relationship with him, even if it's just as fuck buddies, it's up to you to forgive and trust him, reach out to him and let him know why you reacted the way you did, and perhaps it's your turn to apologize to him. You don't have to accept his friendship on fb until you are ready.

 

[PrinceCory]

You sound like he somehow deceived you on some deep, visceral, and meaningful level, but honestly, you're hiding, and he gave you a bar biography because this was a hook up.

What should you do? Approach this with some perspective about how it started now that your context has altered.

I'm gonna have to agree with this. I too have given a different name and occupation when meeting someone. I've had someone "out" me at my job but the person didn't believe the information. So that is where it ended as far as I know.

 

[relejandro12]

UPDATE - UPDATE - UPDATE - UPDATE :

About 6 months have passed since the guy and I stopped talking to each other. (which is a lot since we used to talk somehow daily or over the week). I sent him a short message on his bitdhay some weeks ago to what he replied and said it was nice to hear from me. We chatted shortly asking how we're we doing during the pandemic, work and stuff and it was it.

But after a few days he would initiate conversation all of a sudden and dropped a line to say hello. We kept the chat kind but short... he was kind and wanted to make some funny comments but I replied kindly but with not too much effusiveness or sense of proximity from as we used to; then we would stop talking for other days... but he started the chat saying "hey" another day and we had the short kind/dry small talk again but it was something.

This indicates me that despite the long time thst its been, he's interested to start our friendship/talking again and I've come to think he deserves a second chance. I miss his friendship and I wouldn't want this to end in a bad way and be forgotten. I'd like to get back to talking as when we were friends but there's so much to discuss and I truly don't know how to handle this trust/lying problems well.

When this whole problem started he said he didn't know what could he do to earn my trust. And I honestly want to trust him, but I don't know how can I do that and what can he do to get to that point. Asking him to open up about his life is the first that comes to my mind... But he's very reserved.

If you could have any advice on how could he prove himself trustworthy or how to handle this I'd appreciate it a lot and thank you all for reading.

 

[jaysizzles]

I'm glad to hear you two are speaking again...it's a good start. There's no set time limit for regaining trust, but if you want to have a friendship with him again then it's worth the risk. Just remember that he's human, like the rest of us, so don't expect perfection from him, or anyone for that matter...we all screw up from time to time. And, don't dwell on the past...look forward with a positive attitude!

 

[TX-Beau]

He doesn't have to prove anything. What you describe never got to the level where anyone owes anyone else any answers. You want to hook up again your choice, but before you do, get a handle on your expectations, you're treating this like the two of you had a long history together when what you had was some on again off again fucking and no promises ever made.

 

[relejandro12]

He doesn't have to prove anything. What you describe never got to the level where anyone owes anyone else any answers. You want to hook up again your choice, but before you do, get a handle on your expectations, you're treating this like the two of you had a long history together when what you had was some on again off again fucking and no promises ever made.

No. Despite we started as friends with benefits we became friends talking about deeper and other non sexual related stuff. And As I explained in my paragraph I miss his FRIENDSHIP, not a hook up. Maybe for you lying about who you are and your whole identity is not a big deal but he also felt it was wrong since I was being totally open and honest with him when he was not. Also he was the one who actually brought it up first and apologized a long time ago for doing so right before leaving for studies. Don't minimize lying.

 

[KaraBulut]

No. Despite we started as friends with benefits we became friends talking about deeper and other non sexual related stuff. And As I explained in my paragraph I miss his FRIENDSHIP, not a hook up. Maybe for you lying about who you are and your whole identity is not a big deal but he also felt it was wrong since I was being totally open and honest with him when he was not. Also he was the one who actually brought it up first and apologized a long time ago for doing so right before leaving for studies. Don't minimize lying.

It might be a cultural difference, but for guys who are hooking up under the assumption of "no strings attached", it's not unusual to give few details or even a false name.

Here's the bottom line: either you forgive him or you move on. There really isn't any middle ground. If you cannot recover trust, there's really no point to any of this.

If you want a friendship or a continued friends with benefits relationship, forgive him, make it clear that you want honesty and get on with it.

 

[TX-Beau]

No. Despite we started as friends with benefits we became friends talking about deeper and other non sexual related stuff. And As I explained in my paragraph I miss his FRIENDSHIP, not a hook up. Maybe for you lying about who you are and your whole identity is not a big deal but he also felt it was wrong since I was being totally open and honest with him when he was not. Also he was the one who actually brought it up first and apologized a long time ago for doing so right before leaving for studies. Don't minimize lying.

But you were both lying - you wont even tell him where you live. What have you done to show you can be trusted?

It really sounds like you're putting a bunch of expectation on this that it doesn't require, and that will end up killing it. This guy is an acquaintance you sometimes have sex with. If you really want to have a real relationship, you're both going to have to be honest about what you want and who you are.

There is nothing wrong with being buddies who fuck occasionally. You'll know when you're actually considering him for something serious when you stop hiding him from people in your life, and give him your address.

 

[USEDCAR]

You guys need to sit and talk and just hook up again.

 

[mcbrion]

No. Despite we started as friends with benefits we became friends talking about deeper and other non sexual related stuff. And As I explained in my paragraph I miss his FRIENDSHIP, not a hook up. Maybe for you lying about who you are and your whole identity is not a big deal but he also felt it was wrong since I was being totally open and honest with him when he was not. Also he was the one who actually brought it up first and apologized a long time ago for doing so right before leaving for studies. Don't minimize lying.

I responded privately, but then came here to see the original post.

I just want to remind you that you said you had - in the past - lied to someone else about who you were. And so, this is a case of you being on the receiving end of something you did to someone else in your past. How did that end? Did they forgive you or did you just vanish from each other's lives?

And if you have trust issues yourself (and I said this in a different way privately), that's an issue in itself. People want to be able to trust other, but they need to have the ability to trust already in place. In other words, (and yes, we all have problems, let it be said - but we don't all have the same problems), you should have the ability to trust others as a matter of your own self-esteem. And If trusting others is already firmly a part of your character, then pat yourself on the back: a whole lot of people lack that ability. And if you do have it firmly embedded within yourself, call upon it here: he's told you the truth about himself and even told you WHY he did it (many people won't tell you why, and even rationalize their right to lie to you!). So, there are no more lies (one hopes, anyway!) to get in the way of being authentic with each other.

A personal anecdote and some thoughts about living in San Francisco in the '70s, '0s, '90s and early 2000s.

A guy I dated waited until we had been corresponding, and doing video calls and even after we met in person, and only admitted to me that he was living with herpes AFTER he had arrived to stay with me for a weekend (we hadn't had sex yet). In the split second that I processed it, I thought, hey, he told me BEFORE we had sex, and everything up until now was us getting to know each other's character and belief systems. I told him that wouldn't prevent me from wanting to be intimate with him and having a committed relationship if we grew close. He cried, and watching him, I realized he thought it was grounds for rejection. And I remembered guys I met when AIDS was a BIG thing back in the mid 80s in San Francisco, and how afraid they were to tell a guy, after finding out he was HIV negative, that they were HIV positive. Some things are scary to hear yourself saying out loud. I didn't feel they lied to me, waiting until after the second date, to tell me that, or even, not telling me before we met for the first date. I wouldn't expect a guy to tell me he was epileptic until it was clear we were heading towards something more than something casual. But that's me.

The point is, you now have all the information you need, and besides, you're only wanting to be friends. So, if he's not going to be a romantic, committed partner, treat him just like you would if you were making a new friend, and then found out a year later that they had been sexually assaulted at age 6. That's not something some people tell even their BEST friends until they've known them for years. You've got a clean slate here, and you can be casual friends (aka close acquaintances who just do social things together) or just see how the friendship evolves on its own. Myself, I don't see an issue here, unless you really can't let go of a past that includes, 1), someone confessing a lie they told you (because their conscience was bothering them (NOT SOMETHING TO BE OVERLOOKED, BY THE WAY!!!)and 2), asking for your forgiveness. Honesty and asking forgiveness. If you want more than that from a person, please, wish him well and leave him to someone who can appreciate that he has both a conscience and the humility to ask for your forgiveness. I guarantee you, you will not find that combination of virtues in the majority of people you meet in Life. (Well, maybe in Tibet (LOL), but I don't think it's as common here in the good of US of A!)

 

[mcbrion]

So, yes, I have. And third and fourth chances if I assessed the circumstances and the person and trusted myself to see things clearly. Fear is not a reason for me to throw someone out of my life, unless it's a critical matter and those, I can only assess on a case by case basis.