I am becoming obsessed with my ex boyfriend

[confus]

We broke up in August and I finally started to get over him in October. Life was great, I started doing my own thing and focusing on myself. I decided that the past was the past. Then on the second week of October, he messaged me on Grindr saying he wanted to hook up. A part of me was hesitant to do so but we did anyway. We ended up hooking up with each other on a weekly basis after that. After we did our business, we would hang out and talk for a bit. Each time we started to talk more and more and we got along better. I was hoping we could become friends again.

Well, about ten days ago, we made plans to hook up but I had to stay late at work and he said we could hang out after I got out of work. I declined because I was very tired after working all day. Ever since then, I noticed he's been on Grindr less and less and it's unusual because he used to be on G*indr pretty frequently. I just looked at his Grindr profile and it said he hasn't been on in five days. For some reason this is really worrying me and his lack of Grindr presence is causing me to miss him again. It feels like I am going through a breakup a second time now.

I'm not sure what is going on as to why he hasn't been online and I also am not sure as to why it bothers me so much anyway. I mean, we're not a couple anymore, so it shouldn't concern me!! I keep thinking now that he's got a love interest or someone to hook up with regularly and these thoughts are causing me to feel extremely jealous and sad at the same time. It is starting to drive me crazy and is turning into a creepy obsession. I keep going on the Grindr app to make see if he's been online and everytime I see that "last seen: 5 days ago" sign, my stomach drops and I get depressed. For some reason, I am scared that he may never go on Grindr again. I think to myself that he's working then I literally drive out to his workplace and see if his truck is in the parking lot. If his truck isn't there, I get depressed, if I see his truck there, I get happy.

It's aggravating because I was finally over him and now I feel like I am square one now. I also now wish that I'd gone to see him after work those ten days ago. I have even been considering going as far as casting a love spell to make him want me back. I never developed any romantic feelings for him in the period after our breakup so I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way. The lack of sex with him is also causing me to become sexually frustrated, and I am literally craving to have sex with him.

 

[kallipolis]

I mean, we're not a couple anymore, so it shouldn't concern me!!

An accurate statement.

The remedy is in your hands. Stop obsessing, enabling you to live in peace.

There are other fish in the sea. Go fishing.

 

[confus]

An accurate statement.

The remedy is in your hands. Stop obsessing, enabling you to live in peace.

There are other fish in the sea. Go fishing.

I am trying. Unfortunately, I am having to do this a second time around now with him. It's hard because we had and do have a lot in common, everything from hobbies to political beliefs and upbringing and our views on things. The only things different about us are our height and hair and eye color. I miss having that friendship we had, a buddy to hang out with. I miss that most about him. I didn't like being in a relationship with to tell you the truth. He wasn't a great boyfriend, since he was a liar and cheated on me multiple times. I would like to be friends with him but I have no desire to be in a relationship with him ever again.

 

[Seasoned]

Don't kid yourself, you weren't over him before you started hooking up with him. You may have been on your way but if you had been over him you wouldn't have hooked up. Becoming fuck buddies with a former partner is tricky because the intimacy of sex brings back the other close feelings, at least they did for you.

Now, you need to know where you stand. Ask him.

 

[confus]

Ones soon is never a good thing. Don't kid yourself, you weren't over him before you started hooking up with him. You may have been on your way but if you had been over him you wouldn't have hooked up. Becoming fuck buddies with a former partner is tricky because the intimacy of sex brings back the other close feelings, at least they did for you.

Now, you need to know where you stand. Ask him.

I reckon you're correct when you say that I wasn't really over him. Perhaps, I just suppressed my feelings by staying busy and the feelings have re-surfaced. This is why I was hesitant to sleep with him the first time after our break up. A couple of weeks prior to him initiating sex with me on Grindr, he told me he wanted nothing to do with me yet he still wanted to have sex again with me. Does that mean he still has feelings for me, or did??

I really do want to ask him about where we stand but I am nervous to. I don't want to dig up old feelings for him and cause problems or make him mad. We were hooking up on a weekly basis and hung out longer each time so I was just trying to go with the flow.

Whenever my ex-bf and I finished our business, we would smoke weed and talk about things going on in our lives for a bit. I liked talking with him and hanging out more than the sex. That's what I miss most about him. We had so much in common and I felt like I could really be myself around him and like we could connect in a way that I can't with other people. I have had sex with other guys (protected) but I feel empty and guilty after-hand. To be honest, I am only having sex with other guys to hide up my feelings of loneliness and am trying to forget about my ex. However, having sex with other guys is making me long for my ex-bf more.

I also try to stay busy by doing things like exercising, fishing, kayaking,going to the mall or driving around and visiting near by cities but then I start thinking about how much fun I used to have with my ex-bf doing the same things then I get depressed again because I wish he was with me.

Unfortunately, I blocked and deleted his contact number shortly after we broke up and he did the same with my contact info. Grindr was our only form of communication. We do go to the same church however, he hasn't been in a while since he always has to work Sunday mornings. I am hoping he will be at church this Sunday so I can possibly invite him to lunch or something. The lack of sex with him is driving me crazy and I have even had thoughts of going to his work and trying to seduce him, lol.

I also want to add in that my ex-bf and I are relatively new to the area we live in. We are in our 20s and we're each others' only companions during the time we were together.

 

[mcbrion]

Distracting oneself is a practice that many people use to convince themselves that they have "moved on." Just as frequently, they are avoiding the pain of a loss by keeping busy, as the shark does, to use an analogy. If a shark stops swimming, it dies (although not every species of shark, but in general…). People do the same thing. Eventually the pain catches up to them when another crisis "piggybacks" on top of the one they avoid actually feeling all the way thru from the "death" of the loss thru the transformation back into a newer, more conscious person.

Losing someone is rarely easy, whether the relationship was healthy or not. An attachment is an attachment, no matter what the reason is. Unfortunately, as a friend of mine said recently, people in current culture seem afraid to be "lost" as though that's a crime. The crime is against oneself, because if one is unwilling to complete the process that goes with loss, a person rarely grows into a more enlightened version of themselves, and they stay "stuck" in their behaviors - which they repeat over and over in future relationships.

It's no crime to be in pain: that is what is normal. Unfortunately, our (American) culture has convinced itself that pain is bad, and must be avoided at all costs.

Feel this loss all the way through, suffer as long as you need to (and don't let others talk you out of your pain) and recover. If you find the loss overwhelming - and you can afford it - therapy can be a great tool for recovering from a broken heart. Having a neutral party, who is dedicated to letting you feel what you feel, and supporting you completely back to a healthy mental status is also a good way to see what is lacking (if it applies) in your friendships and other relationships.

 

[tarallucci]

If his truck isn't there, I get depressed, if I see his truck there, I get happy.

Man, I know this feeling...

I have even had thoughts of going to his work and trying to seduce him, lol.

That was funny But you can always wait him outside?

 

[mcbrion]

Man, I know this feeling…
Feelings are feelings. It's the acting on them that keeps one stuck


That was funny But you can always wait him outside?

I hope you're just kidding. That's approaching obsessiveness and stalking. Never mind the police: it's not even good for the mind! And it certainly won't break the pattern of thinking "it's over." So again, stop joking with the poster. He needs psychologically mature suggestions.

 

[tarallucci]

I wasn't joking. I was suggesting that he can wait him outside the work place and talk to him/ask the telephone number because he is trying to contact him. In that occasion the other guy could clear things up by saying either that he is not interested anymore or that he is willing to keep seeing confus.

 

[TX-Beau]

Never go to a guys place of business unless he's told you it's OK.

Stalkers always tell themselves they have good reasons to be stalkers. But consider, mostly it's your emotions that are driving this, so start thinking with your head, that's what it's there for.

If an X you broke up with six months ago, came to your work to tell you he had been worried sick and lonely because you hadn't been on Grindr for a week, how would you react? If he had wanted to make sure you could get in touch with him, he'd have given you his cell number.

If you did that to me, no matter how benign you thought your motives were, it would creep the fuck out of me, because it's extreme emotionally and pretty selfish. If you'd found blood or body parts and then got worried maybe, but this isn't about his welfare, it's about yours.

You aren't his boyfriend anymore, you no longer have the right to make your emotions his responsibility.

 

[Soccerboy25]

I know it isn't the greatest feeling trying to get over someone or becoming friends with an ex. I have gone down this road before. I didn't want to get over someone I really liked and I hooked up with him and it made things worse. Having sex with him will just make things worse, because you're gonna want more in the long run. He may eventually find someone else and then that will really get you upset. I say get rid of Grindr for now and focus on yourself. It will just drive you crazy looking if he's on or not. I know it's easier said than done though. Try to take it one day at a time.

 

[confus]

Well I finally deleted the Grindr app last week and went a day without it. On the next day I became curious so I reinstalled the app and logged back on. I looked at my favorites list and checked out my ex bf's grindr account. It said he'd been online 5 hours ago and I was ecstatic lol. The next day he messaged me wanting to hook up and we did. We had a great time.

I didn't say anything about his lack of Grindr presence but he told me he'd been working a lot of hours lately. So I figured he was just busy. He hasn't been on in a couple of days recently but I don't feel as bothered about him not going on now as before.

I do want to ask him about where we stand. But I don't want to bother him and dig up old feelings. I'm just hoping that we get along like we have been. We just have sex then talk for a couple of hours and sometimes do it again a second time lol. We talk about everything going on in our lives and he is pushing me to go back to college. When we leave each other, he tells me see ya later and to drive safe. But we don't "hang out" like we used to and our only form of communication is grindr when we hook up. I've made a few subtle hints about wanting to hang out. For instance I'll say that I want to take myself fishing tomorrow to see if he invites himself. About a month ago, I mentioned to him that I wanted to take myself kayaking that upcoming weekend and he said that he was thinking about the exact same thing and said maybe we could go together and we'll see what happens. We never did go though. Another time I mentioned about how I was considering taking myself to the mountains next summer then he said maybe we can go together and you'll save some money right off the bat.

I don't know, I mean, we seem like we're friends and I would like to think we are but if he's just using me for sex?? I'm afraid of disrupting things and disturbing the peace between us. I do notice that in church, ever since we broke up, he ignores me in church even in the last few months we've been hooking up. So I don't understand that. Another thing is he doesn't tell his parents he's hanging with me, just says he's going out for a walk or something.

When we first started hooking up way back when we first met, we didn't hang out together aside from sex but we started little by little after a couple months and he also didn't tell his parents about me until a few months after we first met either. So I don't know.

 

[kallipolis]

You aren't his boyfriend anymore, you no longer have the right to make your emotions his responsibility.

Noteworthy...............

 

[arpeggi]

Now that you've re-established your Grindr connection, it might be a good idea to exchange phone numbers again, and unblock each other. I would even consider communicating only via phone, not Grindr. If he refuses, than I think that shows where he stands. Plus using Grindr is encouraging you to keep tabs on his location and Grindr activity, which is enabling your obsession.

Also, I wouldn't think too much about the parents stuff. It's pretty normal to not share that information with parents, especially when you're young.

Also, stop with the hints and suggestion. Just ask him. You've dated before. You know each other. Even as a friend there's nothing wrong with simply inviting him to kayak or go fishing.

 

[mcbrion]

You've already mentioned jealousy and obsessiveness as your issues and his as lying and cheating. And you've agreed you'd never want to be his boyfriend again, because of that. Yet, you have - aside from being exclusive - started having sex with him again, and obsessing again. And he doesn't keep his plans with you, unless they involve hooking up. And you are wondering if you're truly friends. If you can't talk to someone truthfully, the relationship is not healthy or helpful. You have some choices to make: talk to him (that's not 'confrontation', thats' called discussion), or decide you can't truly talk to him and step backwards from being at his beck and call and create some distance between you

 

[jp10]

Bro, just enjoy the sex.

 

[Rolyo85]

You're in a self-harming cycle where you refuse to move on and latch on to something that hurt you. There was a legitimate reason you broke up and this reason hasn't disappeared just before some time has passed. Don't delete Grindr. Keep it. Block him. Meet other dudes and stop having sex with a guy who's clearly just doing it because it's familiar and convenient while you're imagining - entirely on your own, I might add - some weird new relationship that isn't really there.

 

[confus]

Okay I just found out last night that my ex bf had another bf during the duration of our own relationship. And they're still together. I honestly feel so confused right now. I feel angry and want to tell him off and that I wish I'd never met him. Another part of me wants to leave it be and the other part of me wants to cry.

I have so many thoughts of revenge going on in my head right now. He wasn't at church today nor was he at work. Believe me, I checked because I have been so furious with him. I just want to knock his head off his damn shoulders. I'm also going to admit his deepest secret to everyone at church as well. When he was 15, he tried to have sex with a 9 year old boy.

I am just so done with him. AGH! I don't even know what the hell I was seeing in him. Thankfully I have woken up. I want to tell him off so badly y'all don't even know. I am so ready to shut him down.

 

[TX-Beau]

Obsessing on someone who broke up with you six months ago isn't healthy. SO he's an asshole, he's an asshole you aren't involved with anymore.

MOVE ON.

 

[kallipolis]

Okay I just found out last night that my ex bf had another bf during the duration of our own relationship. And they're still together. I honestly feel so confused right now. I feel angry and want to tell him off and that I wish I'd never met him. Another part of me wants to leave it be and the other part of me wants to cry.

I have so many thoughts of revenge going on in my head right now. He wasn't at church today nor was he at work. Believe me, I checked because I have been so furious with him. I just want to knock his head off his damn shoulders. I'm also going to admit his deepest secret to everyone at church as well. When he was 15, he tried to have sex with a 9 year old boy.

I am just so done with him. AGH! I don't even know what the hell I was seeing in him. Thankfully I have woken up. I want to tell him off so badly y'all don't even know. I am so ready to shut him down.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.-Confucius .................................